What just happened?
by silk1
Summary: JayneRiver... Sometimes you find comfort in unfamiliar places ...... some truths never die! THIS IS FINALLY FINISHED!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER : I do so not own Firefly ! It belongs to Mutant Enemy and Fox ( Weeps) ..if this show wre mine, it would totally still be on  the air!!!!

Notes: Please bear with me ! This is my very first fic and I realize that I might have made a mess posting it ! SORRY!! Computers hate me ….

Also I come from Germany so please be gentle on me if the spelling or grammars is totally whack ….again Sorry!

Still hope you get to enjoy it!

She was up there in the dark, moving so quietly that at first Jayne didn´t even realize she was there. 

He was down in the cargo bay lifting weights again, nothing else to do for a man if he could not fall asleep again in the middle of the night. His bunk was so small, to him it felt like a prison cell and Jayne didn´t care much for being incarcerated. So he went into the cargo bay to work out …again. 

He had been working out a lot lately …since all that had gone down that day the alliance almost got a hold of River. He was not into psychology, he didn´t even want to think about if  his working out and the fact that he actually felt mighty bit  guilty about that day were somehow related. At first he had been able to surpress it, being his obnoxious self day in and day out……….but he did feel bad about betraying them. The feeling had grown and steadily worked itself towards the surface of his emotions and here it was now and he just couldn´t shake it off. The memory of her face when she had whispered 

" They are here!", her expression beyond fear …more like pure terror. 

That moment he did not understand , but when he replayed that moment in his mind later he had figured it out….

He heard a rustling sound and looked up to find her up there staring at him. 

Jayne  put the weights down.

 " Watcha doin´here?" he said, still panting from the exercise, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

 " Where´s that gorram brother of yours? He´s supposed to make sure that you don´t run around….."

" It´s the dead of night, silly!" her voice was nothing more than a whisper, but her soft voice carried far in the empty cargo bay.

 " He is sleeping, dreaming warm and cosy dreams."

  She started down the ladder and Jayne could not help but be relieved that she did not have a knife or gun on her. Still the thought of being alone with her in the middle of the night worried him a little.  She wore one of her wide flowing dresses, a red one that made her look even paler than she already was. 

" You´d better go right up back to bed, girl!" he said, sitting up on the bench he used for weightlifting.

 " I have no time for anymore crazy talk.!"

She turned around looking at him inquisitively.

" You are the honest one, never wanted the girl on this ship ….." 

Her face was almost hidden from his view with her hair tumbling all over the place. 

Suddenly he felt bad. 

" The girl?" he grimaced " Mean yourself?" 

River fumbled with her dress, her voice was so low that he almost did not hear what she was saying.

" Don´t want to be her." She whispered hoarsely 

" She is hurting and confused. Whatever she does or says comes out wrong. They did things to her at that place, the dark place. They made her do things, taught her to do things…things that were scary, things that are unclean, things I know an honest daughter does not need "

Jayne furrowed his brow. He was not sure, but what she said actually made sense. Taking into account what Kayleigh had told them about River shooting three guys without even looking at them. All those experiments they must have performed on her, messing with her brain…

Maybe that was what it was all about, they messed with her head so that she would do what they wanted, so that they could use her…use her, but for what?

He shook his head. Was he really analyzing the crazy girl?

" You talking ´bout that academy place your brother told us about?"

" All the pretty girls can fly away, but I´am still stuck in the pond." She answered, shoving that tangled mass of dark hair over her shoulders, looking at the floor. Her tiny, white feet were naked. Jayne figured they had to be pretty cold by now. 

" I still live there, you know?"

" No ya don´t. You live on this ship, no matter if I like it or not. Better get used to it now, I guess." 

 River looked at him and her eyes lit up as she realised that she was not just talking to herself. He was really listening to her. She wanted him to understand what she was saying, wanted it so much. Her fingers wrung the hem of her dress in an effort to say the things in a way  he would understand.

 " Simon took the girl out of the dark place, but he cannot take the dark place out of the girl."

Jayne looked at her for a moment, his expression stuck between annoyance and confusion. Could it be that she was making sense? 

He did not know what worried him more at this point, that he was having a late night talk with the doctor´s crazy sister or the fact that he actually started to understand what the girl was saying. 

" It´s haunting you, ha? The things they did, whatever it was. Can´t get it out of that pretty little head of yours."  

Now wait a minute, did he just say pretty?

" Plenty of things bad people could do to a tiny slip of a girl like you." He growled.

 Hell he was one of those people! He tried to sell her out, almost let them take her back to that ruddin´ place. He really started to feel bad.

 He could see it in her big, dark eyes………she knew.  

She knew it all, had known it all along! Even that day  she had known what he was about to do. Never said a word to anyone! Jayne let his head fall into his hands. 

Did that mean that she had forgiven him……….how could anyone forgive that kind of betrayal?

He was sure he could never forgive such a thing. 

" I know you are sorry for what you did, in your own way you are. You got stupid,  I don´t think you will ever get that stupid again. Now that you know …"

" Know what?"

She finally let go of the hem of her dress, all creased up as it was. Her fingers raked through her dark hair. She sighed.

" That I would rather die than go back to the dark place."

Jayne squinted at her tiny frame. She looked very lost and fragile the way she stood there. Almost like a child, but  Jayne was  very aware of  the fact that she was everything but………

 A real beauty, Kayleigh had called her, and she was. All pale and vulnerable…

" You are .." 

" Crazy?" she finished for him, raising one eyebrow.

" …...different."

" Unlike any you have ever seen."

" And not in a good way!" he said. She had shot three men without even looking their way  in a matter of seconds!

" Is that what you think or what you feel ?"

" What?" Just when he thought she was making sense, she startled him.

" Sometimes those two are different things!"

Jayne stared at her in awe, she was smiling mischieviously . Maybe those drugs her brother used on her were finally showing some results. He wondered what River might  be like if she were normal again. 

" You take my gun and wave it around and call it a flower, in which scenario would that be a good thing?" he challenged. 

River lifted her eyebrows again, almost giggling.

" You collect them like flowers; Dried flowers to hang on the wall behind your bed." 

He did not like the thought of her knowing where he stored his guns, even if it maybe wasn´t the most clever place. He vividly remembered her cutting him with the big kitchen knife. 

Her face grew weary and she came towards him very slowly. 

" I remember cutting you." She revealed quietly.

 Not for the first time Jayne found himself wondering if she could read his mind. She always seemed to know what people were thinking. And the thought of what she would  find while looking into his head chilled him to the bone. At the same time it made him blush, he did not want her to know all the things he was thinking about….he did  feel ashamed, he realised. 

" I did not mean to cut you, but I know I did." She stopped a few feet away from him. Her face looked almost like a fragile mask, ready to break into a thousand pieces at any time. River breathed in deep. She felt as if she could not fill her lungs with enough air to say what she wanted to say. 

" Sometimes I get so caught up in the mess in my head, that I cannot wriggle free. This wave drags me out to sea and now matter how hard I try I can´t reach the shore. It feels like water rushing in my ears, like drowning and whatever I learned …….there at the dark place, it takes over. Autopilot." She explained breathlessly.

 " It feels like a storm inside of me."

River felt her breathing grow laboured. 

No!  No, no, no,  not now ….she was gonna make him see. She wanted to tell him…….wanted him to know everything. She knew he could understand her if she could just get the words out right.

 Jayne turned towards her, still sitting on the bench. She looked like she was about to cry. Great, just what he needed. 

" My thoughts are racing like a thousand wild horses in panic, flying over the edge and I loose control of me. I loose myself, they let me …made me loose myself. Stripped me of who I was until there was nothing left and now I can´t remember her!" 

" Well it wasn´t so bad." Jayne tried to say in an effort to make it better. 

He was not very good at comforting people. In fact he didn´t even know how to do it, so this was his best shot. Hell, he would do almost anything to keep her from crying. Last thing he needed was her bawling her eyes out and everybody storming into the cargo bay thinking he did the –devil- knows- what to her. 

Was this the same girl that killed three men not too long ago?

 She had saved their butts at least twice; shooting those men, protecting Kayleigh, tricking that bounty-hunter…Gorram , because the damn girl didn´t wake him he had missed all the action! 

" Why didn´t you wake me up when that ruddin´ bounty hunter came to get you?" he suddenly demanded to know.

 River looked taken aback by his harsh tone, her forehead creased up slightly.

" I could not go to your place. There are guns at your place, I am not supposed to touch guns and you have so many." She said as though she was lecturing him. 

Jayne grunted and shook his head in bewilderment. Since when did she do anything they told her to do, or better not to do? 

River looked at his bowed head, her facial expression changed. 

" He would have killed you." 

Jayne looked up, right into her eyes. She looked serious.

" Kayleigh was not a danger…..the captain was contained. He would have killed everyone on this ship, if he thought that they would stand in his way. He wanted  to get his bounty. But you he would have killed for sure, because you are dangerous, you are a threat ……always." 

There  was a tint  of  anguish in her voice and something else that Jayne could not quite make out. 

" So you took him on alone, little girl like you."

"  Not as frail as I look and you know that." 

Damn,  did he know it,…….. girl knew her way around guns and knives …..…if she weren't crazy and her bother not such a pompous ass ……. she would be perfect!

" They all want to protect me…….my brother, the preacher, even the captain……..not you. You don´t.  Part of you is afraid of me, because you look at me and you don´t know what it is you see." 

Jayne just sat there and stared at her, her magnificent face all lit up, glowing for whatever reason ….he knew he should get out. He did not have to be there, in the middle of the night listening to the ramblings of that little girl, but he just could not will himself to get of that bench. 

Instead he kept staring at her staring at him. 

" And yet .." she whispered, leaning in as though she was about to share a big secret with him,  " …there is a part of you that calls out to me, that draws me in." 

Her lips were inches from his. River gazed into his eyes as if she was not quite sure what she was doing. From up close her face was incredibly beautiful, with clear creamy -white skin, her dark eyes framed in thick, long lashes. All he had to do was grab the back of the pretty neck and …….

Gorram! He almost jumped off the bench. He was most definitely going to hell!

River blinked and straightened herself, now forced to look up to him as he was standing right in front of her. 

" Funny" she said, smiling her secretive little smile.

 He was close enough for her to feel the heat emanating from his muscular body. He was still a little sweaty from the workout.

Jayne breathed in deep, for the first time realizing that the faint lavender-scent he was always so unnerved about came from her. 

" You are the one person on this ship I might actually need to be protected from ." 

Jayne wasn´t sure what she was talking about. The sheer vicinity of her affected him more than he liked to admit and he wondered when exactly that had started. There were definitely some things going on here that he did not understand. Things he could not even fathom.

" And yet. " River continued softly, looking up into his eyes with a marvelling expression. 

" You are the only person I want to be protected by…………there are some things here that I do not comprehend, but I will figure them out eventually." 

She pursed her lips, all she wanted she did not understand ……..but she did not care. The voices were silent now, they were silent around him. That had to be a sign.

River took the one tiny step it took to bridge the distance between them and put her palms onto his chest. Jayne looked from her hands to her face. This was spinning out of control, he should stop this …….he really should, but he had no intention to. 

" We will find each other Jayne Cobb." He realised that it was the first time she had used his name.

 " One day we will find each other and when we do, no power in the ´verse will be able to keep us apart." 

Jayne stared at her self- consciously. Now what the hell was that all about? River looked back at him and for the first time Jayne saw the woman that River would be, the woman she was once all that crazy baggage had gone. 

Her eyes sparkled as she smiled at him as if she knew a secret that she was not ready to share with him yet. She was magnificent, exquisite…different. 

" What is going on?" he asked suspiciously, his voice low and raw. 

" The voices are silent." She said as if that could explain everything.

 " It will not stay this way, they will be angry…they will come back. But right now they are silent and I ´am here, alone. Just me."

Gingerly River leaned her forehead onto his chest, her arms sliding around his waist. Jayne looked around the cargo bay……..if anybody saw……

Mal would most likely not give him the benefit of the doubt, he would be blown out the airlock in no time. 

" Now …come on girl…….stop!"  He did not know what to do.

" Just hold me." River answered his silent question. Her voice was so calm and serious that Jayne did what she asked before he even knew it. He put his arms around her shoulders and pulled her close. Her body felt soft and warm against his. 

Lavender was not all that bad, now that he thought about it. Almost unconsciously he bent down to smell her hair. No, not bad at all! 

He could not help but feel a little uncomfortable, the whole situation was completely unreal und just standing there holding a woman was not a thing he did ……ever!

 Except for this time, only this once ………but never again, he told himself. He had to admit it felt quite good, her skin was smooth and soft, where his hands touched her delicate shoulders and he could feel her breath on his chest. It felt right holding her in his arms, almost as if she belonged there. 

River closed her eyes for a moment. She felt so unbelievably safe and at peace, a feeling long since forgotten. 

No Power in the ´verse, she thought, no power in the ´verse could keep her away now. 

She looked up at him, smiling like a contented cat. 

" Thank You."

Then she stood up on her toes, put her hands around his face and kissed him. Jayne was so completely stunned, he did not know how to react. 

What the ….

Her lips felt smooth and cool on his, it was a soft, sweet kiss. Not too innocent though, he noted as her mouth enveloped his upper lip. 

He pulled her flush against him almost instinctively and River let out a tiny moan. Yeah, it probably was wrong, but he did not care anymore. He tried to be good, but he sure as hell was no saint. If he was supposed to go to hell, he could at least go to hell for something that felt as good as this …….and it felt pretty darn good. 

" River………River are you here?" 

Gorramit! Of course that ruddin´ brother of hers had to come look for her now!

 River pressed against him even more urgently and he could have sworn he felt the tip of her tongue probe his lower lip. Breathlessly she wriggled free of his embrace. 

" Here .." she called out, not taking her eyes off Jayne.

 Her small white hand caressed his cheek for a second, then she turned around quickly, climbing up the ladder before Simon came into sight.

" What are you doing River, you should be sleeping."  Jayne could hear her brother say, as he led River back to her room. 

Carefully Jayne touched his lips with his fingers. 

" What just happened?" he asked himself looking up to where River had disappeared from his sight.

 It was as though he could still hear her urgent whisper in his mind. 

No Power in the ´verse……


	2. SAFE

DISCLAIMER:  Hmm…sadly neither Serenity nor her crew are mine, they belong to Joss and FOX ( damn you FOX!) 

I just borrow them because now I have to make up my own stories about what happened …

Notes: After finally mastering the problem of uploading my ( now, finally , am an idiot!) formatted file of this story , I hope you don´t  mind me adding a few chapters??

It is stronger than me , I just can´t let it go! 

It´s about River and Jayne…..I´am quite sure it would have turned out this way sooner or later if the show would have stayed on the air. WHY ISN` T   IT????

Feedback would be very nice!!

River stirred. Awake …again! She looked around in the small, dark room, her heavy breathing echoing off the walls. The voices were back, screeching and screaming in her head. She sat up with her back against the wall. 

" Stop!" , she whispered as they raged on, " Stop, please stop!" 

Why could she not make them stop? The only sound in that tiny room was her own breathing as it grew more and more laboured. River drew another ragged breath. It was so hard, as if they were trying to suffocate her. She started shaking, covering her face with her hands. Closing her eyes she remembered another kind of breathing. She focused on that. Him…breathing. His chest rising and falling under the palms of her hands in a  calm, steady rhythm. The way he inhaled sharply when he had pulled her close, arms tightening around her as she kissed him. She liked that memory, that thought. It was the safest place she had come to find on this ship. 

Still the fear would not go away, it was like a thick knot deep down in her chest….cold and tight. She carried it with her. 

River felt so exhausted. All the fighting made her so tired. Simon ´s medication was supposed to help her fight the voices, but most of the work was up to her. And they were so loud and so strong, raging on and on …..coming from the dark place. She could not run from it, it was always there, a part of her. No matter how far she ran, they would always be there, that's what they whispered to her at night. Why didn´t she just surrender and let them take over…..because now she knew for sure that they were lying. There was a place where they could not reach her, a place were they ceased to be, a safe place.

She pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms  around her knees. 

No Power in the ´verse, she thought as another anxiety attack washed over her. 

Jayne awoke with a start. 

Gorram! Not again! 

It had been a week since that weird night in the cargo bay. Seven days and he had not gotten one good night´s sleep. 

He woke up night after night, sheets all tangled up around his legs, head full of strange images. 

Jayne was quite sure it was all her ruddin´ fault! 

He had avoided her, mostly not even looked her way. What exactly was happening here?

Jayne Cobb was not the kind of man who let a little girl drive him crazy! But she was not just any girl and that revelation bothered Jayne more than he could say. If she were, he would not be lying here, having incoherent dreams about her. She would have been in his bed days ago and out of it even sooner!

But River…..she was not in his bed, she was in his head! How the hell did she wind up there?

No matter how hard he tried to concentrate on something else, anything else, he could not let it go!

Somehow she had clawed her way into his mind and it seemed as though she was setting  up shop there with no intention to leave again ever! On the contrary, she seemed to make herself quite at home! 

Jayne turned around in bed, impossible to fall asleep now. He sighed…..well time enough to give Vera a good ,thorough   clean. 

River opened the door to her room and peered round the corner into the corridor. They were all gone, they should be …most of them, doing their crime- thing. She did not care what it was. She just needed to make sure nobody saw her. 

Simon was around somewhere, probably sick bay or talking to Kayleigh or Book. He thought she was sleeping and she needed to sleep, but she couldn´t ….not here. 

Empty corridor. Coast is clear  - oh captain, my captain……

She tiptoed down the corridor as quietly as possible until she found the hatch that she was looking for. She climbed down the ladder into Jayne´s bunk. He was not there, she knew that. He was somewhere out there doing the crime- thing with the captain and Zoe. Her naked feet hit the floor with a tiny thud. Once the hatch closed over her head, a relieved sigh escaped Rivers lips. Her eyes wandered around his room, registering everything. She breathed deep, the place even smelled like him. It was untidy, very, very untidy  with clothes lying around on the floor and every other surface….River smiled. She did not mind his room being like this, his mind was untidy too! 

Her gaze moved to the blanket on the wall next to his bed. There behind the blanket they were sleeping, all his pretty flowers, all clean and shiny……she shivered. She was not supposed to be here…..no touching the guns! She was not allowed to be around guns!

River shook her had to chase these thoughts away. She was not going to touch them, not even look at them! She wanted to be here, she felt save here. She slowly moved towards his bed, touching some of his things on her way. He did not own much of great value, though River knew that he cared for very few things as much as he cared for money. She did not quite comprehend that since he did not spend his money to buy pretty things …. Except more guns!

She sighed, wishing she could just wrap herself up in the essence of this room like a warm blanket. Her fingers moved over his pillow and she closed her eyes. He did not know it, but he had crawled into her thoughts, just as sure as she had crawled into his…he with his anger and his hardness and his venomous looks and the remarks that cut like a knife. 

She sat down on his bed, all tension falling off of her as she lifted her feet from the ground like a dancer. Lying down, inhaling his scent …the voices subsided, slowly like the tide. She closed her eyes, smiling. 

Safe. Silent. 

She felt so tired, finally she could let go. She did not have to battle against the screaming anymore, not fight for every single word she wanted to say, only to hear it come out wrong and twisted in the end. Not now….. not here.

He found her sleeping in his bed. Quickly he closed the hatch behind him, still on the ladder. What the hell was she doing here? 

What was she thinking, she could not just come here and fall asleep on his bed….

If somebody saw they would never believe him that nothing was going on …….well not exactly nothing but …..GORRAM! 

Thar ruddin´ girl! 

Jayne knew he needed to think, this situation was definetly not good! He slowly climbed down the ladder, suddenly realising that he was being extra quiet so as not to wake her up. He let out a frustrated growl. Damn her! Why was she doing this?

He needed to think, think about what he should do but somehow he did not want to think. He took of the heavy , dusty coat he had been wearing and leaned against the wall opposite to his bed, arms crossed in front of his chest. 

She did not wake up. Jayne studied her curiously, lying there on his bed, all curled up like a tiny little cat.  With her brightly coloured dress she reminded him of a crumpled flower. Her long shiny hair was draped over his lumpy pillow, soft and silky in the damp light. His fingers itched to touch it, but Jayne kept his distance. This was so wrong on so many levels ….

Even in her sleep River looked as if she was holding something back, not completely at peace. Her body was relaxed, her breathing even and calm but her brows were still knitted together in a way that suggested that not even sleep could erase all her worries. 

He should wake her up, get her out of his bunk and make sure nobody saw the two of them together……..she had no business sleeping in his bed. Still he could not help himself but to find the thought strangely endearing……now wait a minute! No he did not!!  Damn …how did she do that? 

Even in her sleep …….

Jayne took the opportunity to take a good look at her, take her all in …face, body…..everything. Her milky white legs were exposed where her dress had ridden up, dainty little feet naked again. Did this girl never get cold feet?

Carefully he moved over to her, sitting down on the edge of the bed, reaching out for those feet. 

So incredibly small, he thought as he laid his hands around them ….and cold as ice.  River murmured something he could not understand and opened her eyes. Giving him a puzzled look. 

" What are you doing?" she asked ominously. 

For the first time Jayne understood the " deer caught in the headlights" – expression, he figured that would be the exact look she had to see on his face that exact moment. Very good question, what in the name of hell was he doing?

Sitting on the edge of his own bed, rubbing the feet of Simon´s  crazy sister …why?

" Your feet are cold.!" He answered matter- of- factly, as if that could explain the whole situation. 

Something was way out of control here….he did not touch women´s feet. He didn´t even care if they were cold or not! 

" Look.." he said roughly, letting go of her , jumping to his feet.

 " You cannot just come here, You cannot sleep here in my bed! If the captain saw you here, he would think I´am taking advantage of your craziness or somethin´ ! Anybody would think that!" He started pacing the tiny cabin, while she sat up, following his every move with big, dark eyes. 

" Captain would shoot me where I stand! Also …..you …you….are crazy. I don´t want you here!"  

He turned to her, pointing his finger towards the hatch.  " Now get out and make sure nobody sees you!"

He almost yelled. 

" I´am not afraid of you." River said calmly, tugging a strand of dark hair behind her ear. " And I don´t want to go. I like it here, this is a safe place for me." 

Jayne stared at her exasperated. 

" You don´t really want me to go…." She added, patting the bed next to where she was sitting, motioning him to sit down. She did not like what he was doing, they were stuck again. She did not want to be stuck, she had to push him up hill. 

 Dumbfolded Jayne sat down next to her. He shook his head, letting it sink into his hands. 

" This can´t be happening to me!" he said, more to himself than to her. When exactly had this whole situation gone off track?

" That´s what I thought when they cut into my brain …every time!" he heard her counter. 

" What?" He looked up. Was she really mocking him, did she just make a joke? 

She grinned at him, while he stared at her …..this girl irritated him more than he could say. He searched her face, she frowned slightly. He could not figure her out and yet there was something about that weird, crazy girl that lured him in. 

She was nothing like the women he had encountered in his life. She was different, something new …..not even his type. Far from it indeed, he had always like tall, golden haired women. Couldn´t afford them most of the time he had to admit. 

But River…..?   River was pretty, he´d give her that. Quite beautiful in her very own way, with that mass of dark, unruly hair and her porcelain -doll like face. She was not milk and honey, she was shadow and light…..so pale that he could see the veins on her arms ……..and she was out of her mind most of the time. But in her brown eyes lay wisdom, she was more like the fairy than the princess of any tale. 

"I  am not a swan." 

Jayne snapped out of his reverie. Her voice sounded almost sad. 

" I ´am more like a sparrow…"

He nodded slowly. 

" A tiny, lost sparrow." Jayne added impulsively, not knowing where that thought came from. It just came to mind, almost naturally.

River smiled at him, her hand reached out and touched his cheek, the way she had done in the cargo bay. Her thumb moved over the slight stubble, he had not shaved this morning.

" You can fit me in the palm of you hand."  She whispered. 

The hatch opened with a loud hissing sound 

" Jayne ?" he heard the captain yell. They both jumped off the bed. He looked from her to the hatch and back to her, then turned around quickly , facing the hatch. 

" Jayne, did you happen to see River anywhere on your way in?" Mal yelled down the hatch. 

He stood in front of her, shielding her from view with his body. As she leaned forward to peer up at the hatch Jayne pushed her even further behind him with his left hand. 

" No! Didn´t see a thing." He answered loudly before he even realized it. " Crazy girl…she´s probably hiding somewhere."

He heard Rivers relieved sigh behind him, her hands on his arm.

" Probably , but I don´t like it!" Mal said, closing the hatch again. 

Jayne turned around to River, searching her face. 

" They´ll be looking for you now, you´d better go."

She bit her lip, returning his gaze. " I can´t." 

" Watcha mean you can´t? You ruddin´well will! You know what ´ve happened if he found you here?" he said roughly. 

" I´am not safe out there, I ´am safe here!" she whispered hoarsely " Please ….I need to hide here." 

Jayne towered over her, a look of annoyance and confusion on his face. If he tried to force her to leave she would most likely scream bloody murder and he knew what that would lead to….. he just did not get why she sought him out. He had not given her any indication that he wanted her to come here…..well if you didn´t consider that hug he gave her and the foot rubbin´, a tiny voice inside him challenged.

His brow furrowed up. 

" Hide from what?" he growled

" The voices….the screaming in my head ! They come from the dark place, they told me I would never escape, but they lied. They cannot reach me here. I ´am safe here. " 

" Why?" 

" You are here." She answered simply, as if that was the most obvious answer. Her hands were still on his arm. One of them took a hold of his hand and squeezed lightly. Jayne shook his head. He was not entirely sure if he caught her drift, but he was sure he did not like her looking up at him with that expression in her face. 

He tried to pull his hand back, but she held on to it with a lot more strength than he thought she would have in her. 

" Now listen up girl. I don´t know what goes on in this crazy little head of yours, might just be those ruddin´ drugs your brother is dopin´you up with, but this is no fairytale! And I  sure as hell ain´t no prince who is gonna go and slay your demons for you, understand?" 

River lifted her eyebrows at his earnest tone …..and laughed. It was not the squealy little giggle Jayne had heard before, when she was chasing around the ship with Kayleigh. It was a deep, clear laughter that seemed to come straight from her chest, very womanly and loud. 

" I know you are no prince!" she told him, looking at him as though he had said something extremely ridiculous. Jayne didn´t like that either. 

" I don´t think you can go and slay my demons. And if you could, you would not go and do it for me. You would do it for your own fun, because you love a good fight!" she clarified. 

Jayne couldn´t help himself. He grinned. Darn…..who would have thought that she actually did understand what he was about. 

River grinned back, but then her face fell and she became very serious. She looked up at him, making a face.

" Sometimes I wish I could just stop. Stop doubting, being like this! I cannot remember the day, the last time I have been happy…..without a cloud at the horizon, without the house over my head falling to bits. Even when Simon saved me it did not stop. I was broken, I still am…..I left a part of my self at that place, a part I can never get back. Instead I took the voices with me …but that night, when we were there, alone…that night the voices stopped!" 

She lifted his hand up with hers, bringing it up to her face. Leaning her cheek into his hand she closed her eyes. 

Jayne just stood there motionless, staring at her.  Feeling the soft, smooth skin of her cheek under his fingers, he was at a loss. This was not something he was prepared to deal with. This was not a situation he could simply shoot his way out of. 

She was wrong, she was not safe here, not with him! Everything she did, the way she looked up at him, the way she smiled, the way she moved , how she touched him…….all these things made him want to do things to her that he knew he should not be thinking about. Jayne did not consider himself to be a good man, but the way  she made him feel was just …..wrong, very wrong. 

On top of that, this was not the way he treated women. She was not the kind of woman he socialised with!

River opened her eyes, looking straight up into his. 

" I wonder …will you ever see me that way?" She moved towards him, he moved backwards. 

" Will you whisper in my ear?"

Jayne felt the edge of the bed dig into his legs. He sat down almost involuntarily, her eyes suddenly were on the same level as his. Carefully River leaned forward to whisper into his ear. " Making me weak……you make me long for things I never called mine!"

" Stop it." Jayne said, grabbing her shoulders. He looked at her with a stern expression.

" You should not do that, say these things! I´am not a good man, I did a lot of things that will secure me a very  bad place in hell. And I´am not a sensitive guy like your fancy brother, we both know that! I should not and most certainly will not do this whole moon-eyed, lovey-dovey rubbish, that´s not for me and …..you are not even here most of the time with that mind of yours! "

River returned his look, considering what he said for a moment. His hands were still on her shoulders, she noted. He was not hurting her, his grip was firm and pleasant. 

" I´am here when I´am with you." She finally replied simply. She tilted her head to the right, still looking into his eyes. The gesture was so graceful that it captured Jayne completely. He shook his head again. No matter what he said she had an answer for everything.

He did not really want her to go, he realized. He was just worried …..this was unknown territory for him. 

Jayne let his hands wander upwards from her shoulders to her neck until he cupped her face. Maybe he should not do this but he did not care anymore…..gorram girl seemed to know exactly what she wanted. He just couldn´t wrap his mind around the fact that she deliberately sought him out, that she seemed to trust him completely , even though he had not given her any reason to justify this trust. And why was it that every time he looked into her eyes it seemed that she held the answers to all his questions? 

River closed her eyes again, sighing. This was good, not stuck anymore. She had pushed him over the hill. She could rest now. 

River moved forward. Completely surrendering to the feeling, she slid her arms around his neck, leaning her body against him, so that he fell backwards onto the bed with her on his chest. His arms closed behind her back protectively. With a little sigh, River snuggled up to him. Her face buried in the crook of his neck. 

" Well.. ..this ain´t so bad." Jayne thought. She weighed almost nothing, tiny and fragile as she was, her soft hair tickling his chin. 

" You can kiss me if you want to." River whispered. For a moment Jayne wondered if he had heard her right. 

" What makes you think I want to kiss you?" 

" You want to kiss me." River answered him. He could not help but laugh. 

" That transparent , am I?"  

She closed her eyes, she liked the rumbling in his chest when he laughed. Slowly she propped herself up on her elbows, looking down on him. 

" You don´t often kiss women." 

Jayne squinted up at her, ready to give her piece of his mind on that subject . Looking at her he changed his mind. 

" No I don´t ." he told her instead. It was the simple truth and judging from the look in her eyes, she had known that already. He did not kiss…..well, rarely kissed. Kissing was a very intimate thing, a special thing he did not feel like sharing with most of the women he had been with. Also….. he did not like all the things kissing implied…… it was precious and honest. 

" It´s not like I ´am no good at it." 

" It gives things meaning."  River clarified as her hands moved over his arms. Jayne nodded. 

Gorrammit, she was right he wanted to kiss her, he was past caring if this was wrong or right. For some reason this crazy girl understood how his mind worked. She really got him and he was starting to feel like he got her too, whatever that was worth. But this was nor the time nor the place for thoughts like this,  he chided himself. River tilted her head to the side, it made her look all the more vulnerable.  

" You don´t have to kiss me now." She said, resting her head on his chest again. " We can just lie here. I ´am very tired."

He did not answer, she could just feel his arm tighten around her. One of his hands moved to the back of her neck, the other caressing her back. It felt so good, so safe …she thought. 

Jayne looked down and saw her eyes close, her face for once relaxed and calm. Without knowing why he kissed the top of her head, her hair felt soft and cool under his lips. She could have been right, he thought. He had not thought about it until now, but he remembered what she had said to him in the cargo bay. 

" No power in the ´verse…." 

All these things falling into place the way the were, for some reason he had started wanting to protect her  …….he pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he drifted into sleep. 

You like it ? Want me to continue?  Please let me know …..


	3. Shelter

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Firefly or any of the Characters ( I wish I owned Jayne though , mhmmmmm Jayne ..Ups , Sorry!) 

Firefly belongs to Fox  and Mutant Enemy ( Joss, make a movie out of it already …)

Notes: 

Sorry it took me longer than anticipated to write the new Chapter and I apologize for it being so weird......please bear with me a little longer and it will be explained! 

Thank the hopefully- going – to – that – special – hell – bastard  who broke into my car and stole my laptop! ( MY PRECIOUS!)  So I had to rewrite the whole chapter !!!

 ( You are soo going to be reborn as a Dungbeetle!!!!) 

So please  have a little patience and I will have something new for you besides this ….

but last but definetly not least : THANX so much to all you guys who reviewed my story …I never thought you would like it that much ! Thank you !  I really appreciate it! You are the reason I keep going on! 

This Chapter is dedicated to my best friend Franzi….you are the best ! Thanks for your support and bearing with my craziness!

SHELTER

At first Jayne thought she was gone. He woke up and his bunk was so dark that he could barely see the hand in front of his eyes. 

" Hey.." she whispered, standing right in front of his bed. She was basked in some kind of luminiscent light that shone from somewhere behind her. She  looked different, he couldn ´t quite put his finger on what it was. 

River extended her hand and he took it without thinking. 

" What is it? " he growled sleepily. 

" I want to show you something." She walked him towards the wall of his tiny cabin, but suddenly there was no wall….or if there was one they went right through it. 

What the …. ? 

Something really weird was happening here and Jayne didn´t like it one bit. There was nothing around them as far as he could see, only obsidian darkness. He stopped walking. River turned around, still holding on to his hand. He pulled her towards him until he could see her tiny frame right in front of him. 

" What the ruddin´ hell is going on?" 

" There is something I need you to see, you´ll understand. Please …" she whispered, squeezing his hand very gently. 

Jayne could see lightning cracking in the distance …somewhere behind her. 

" This is a dream…" he said slowly, staring at her intendly. River nodded. 

" Well, whose gorram dream is this, yours or mine?" 

" Your dream,……. my mind." She clarified, turning around to go on. 

They walked on for a few minutes in silence until he could see the light becoming brighter…and there she was in the middle of that light. Jayne furrowed his brow ….now that was really unsettling. There were two of her, two Rivers.

 One standing next to him, holding his hand and another one in the middle of that weird, very bright light. She was propped up in some bizarre, very high chair with  long needles sicking out her head and all sorts of cables attached to her. 

She was screaming, screaming with abandon, eyes screwed shut, her whole face a mask of pain and terror. 

" Please, make it stop!" 

There were men there too, tall creepy looking fellows wearing blue plastic gloves, working on machines, taking notes, staring at different monitors. 

" Please, please …make it stop!" 

Jayne turned around to where River was standing next to him. Her hand had gone completely limp in his as she stared at herself in that chair, tears running down her face without her making a sound. 

" What is this place?" he asked her again. He thought he knew the answer to that question, but it scared him more than he would like to admit. He needed her to say it, needed to be sure …hoping he was wrong. 

" I live here." River answered tonelessly, not taking her eyes off the events unfolding in front of them.  " This is the dark place." 

" This what they did  to you?" 

" Part of it." 

Jayne looked back to the other River, she had started crying too. Big, violent sobs shook her tiny body. The men didn´t seem to care. 

How anyone could have done that to her was beyond him. 

Now, he had seen a lot of bad things in his life, done a whole lotta bad things too. And he was proud to say that he had inflicted a fair share of pain on people who had the misfortune to piss him off. But this ….whatever they did seemed to have a purpose, what that purpose was he could only guess, it still did not make it right. 

" Looks an awful lot like torture to me. " he mumbled, wondering if the display of pain he was just witnessing came anywhere close to what Niska had done to Mal. 

" You wanna see?" River whispered. Before he knew it she had put her hands around his face. I was like a soundless explosion, a thunderous but silent impact. Pain unlike any he had ever experienced before….as if somebody was pouring boiling hot metal into his scull. He couldn´t even scream. His legs buckled and he fell to his knees. Jayne caught the look on her face as she went down with him, she was feeling the exact same thing. She was not just inflicting this pain on him, she felt it too……she always felt it. 

Her hands left his face. 

" Sorry…"

And then it just stopped. The light went out, everything went black and they were alone in the dark. Jayne shook his head. The pain was gone , no aftermath…..he fought down the anger he had felt…..thinking she had trapped him …

River sat next to him on the ground, not looking at him, face buried in her hands. 

" Sorry …" she whispered again and again " Sorry ….I did not mean to ..I just ….wanted you to understand. " 

Then they were back in his bunk. He sitting on the edge of his bed, she standing in front of him, her face in the dark. 

" What happened?"

" We are back."

" Back?" Jayne didn´t like what was happening. He hated to not be in control and the way things were going, that was exactly what happened every time she was around. 

" At your place........the safe place."

" I don´t get this........" he said angrily, looking up at her with a warning glint in his eyes.

" This is the place they cannot go. They don´t exist here, they cease to be.... this is my place, my mind ...my rules. They cannot go here, can´t find me here. Here I´m alone,……. myself! This is the place they could not touch, could not influence or control." River elaborated huskily.

" Looks an awful lot like my bunk to me!" Jayne growled, still unable to make out her face in the shadows. He wasn´t sure if he liked what she was implying. 

" It is." 

River said, finally moving out of the darkness. He searched her face unsure what it was he was looking for. She looked different, calm and assured.

" I gave this place form." She explained " My mind, my rules.....here."

River looked a lot less like a little girl Jayne realised, more like the young women she was, calm and serious.

" You are different ..here...."

She nodded again, showing the faintest hint of a smile at his observation.

" Yes, that is why I took you here. I needed you to see, to understand. Sometimes I get so lost in my head and everything I try to say comes out twisted and wrong......so that no one can understand me. Yet, there are times when you of all people do. It is different with you.......I don´t comprehend why. I´m sure I will find out in time. But for now I needed to make you see, so that you could understand why I turned out to be like this."

" What they did, you mean?" he asked, squinting at her uncomfortably.

" Those needles and the gorram pain?"

" I did not mean to harm you." She whispered.

" How did you do this?" he growled " How does this ruddin´ place work...this ruddin´ dream- mojo- crap?"

" I can not explain how I do or know things. I don´t really know how I do it, I just know I can. And I wanted to talk to you ...as myself without them interfering. Don´t know how long it will last. When I come here, they loose control over me. It´s like breaking through an icy surface and suddenly I can breathe freely. Being with you .....makes me feel collected as of late, so I can tidy up some of the mess in my mind. One day I will be strong enough to throw out all the things that do not belong there."

River smiled at him, blushing a little bit. 

" You make me feel safe and at the same time so fuzzy inside......this fuzzy feeling blossoming in my chest, all warm and golden...." she giggled," I like it even though I don´t know where it comes from or what triggered it......or when it started. You always intrigued me but ...." 

" Gorramit River......stop talking girl!"

Jayne almost jumped of the bed in order to shake her, instead he closed his eyes and breathed deep. 

" I don´t know what goes on in that ruddin´ crazy head of yours, don´t even know if any of this is real! I know and I think you ruddin´ well know by now, that I´m not a good man, not all honourable and knightly and educated like that gorram brother of yours....but even I can see that what is going on ........what we could end up doing, what I sometimes wanna do is all sorts of wrong!" 

He shook his head.

 " Hell, most of the time you are out of your gorram mind....said it yourself! And I don´t wanna hear all about feelings or watcha´ think you feel.....I told you that is not a thing I do! For all I know none of it is real!"

Jayne did not look at her while he rambled on, but River didn´t take her eyes of him.

 He spoke to her in that dismissive, harsh tone he usually reserved for yelling at people. She did not like it ! When he finished none of them said a word. 

River knew he hated this situation, he felt trapped and he was neither very good at nor did he like to convey his feelings. Mostly he loathed having them at all. River waited until he finally looked up to see if he got his point across. 

" This is real if you believe it." She said slowly, her eyes showed no fear or doubt, but she frowned. 

" I´m myself here, just a girl you can hurt. You are right, sometimes I have no control over what I do or the things I say and I don´t remember some of the things they did to me at the dark place. But some of those things they taught me ...forced me to learn, they take over at times. They conditioned me to behave in a certain way under certain circumstances. Sometimes the things I do reflect the battle my mind is fighting to not be governed by those impulses forced upon me.......but I know what I feel and I know what I want! This is me right here and now! My feelings are my own, they could not take that from me!" She explained angrily.

Jayne squinted at her again, he could not help but smile a little.

" You have an answer to everything, don´t you , sparrow?" he growled.

River lifted an eyebrow at him, smiling playfully.

" You hate that, don´t you?" she challenged.

Jayne grinned at her. " Yeah ..."

This girl definetly had a way of vexing him unlike any person he had ever met.…….and he knew Wash! 

She was obviously not afraid to arouse his anger, that was a new thing.....a quality not too many people possessed: Mal, Zoe....and now this tiny slip of a girl. Every time he tried to turn his back on whatever it was that was going on between them, she managed to disarm him completely. She had achieved what no one else could, she had sneaked  past all his defences.

" You think too much!" 

She said quietly, sitting down next to him. 

Jayne laughed out loud. 

Now that was something he had never been accused of before, quite the opposite had been the case so far. He rarely thought things through and that´s what usually got him in trouble.

" You want to do right, that is good."

River went on seriously, turning towards him. 

" But I don´t want this ...us to be like that. It does not need to be. I need all my strength to fight my way out of the dark place inside of me and get rid of those voices that whisper to me.

I need my strength to shut them up and make them leave me be. I don´t have enough strength to push you uphill all the time! I need you to stop thinking about this and be here with me, at the same place. I know that you ask yourself if I really know....because you think that I might not know, or that I might forget wanting to be with you and then all hell would break lose.

But I want to, I need to. This is my shelter from the storm  raging inside of me, the only thing I know without a doubt in my mind! You cannot do wrong with me."

" Gorramit River, but I already have and you know it!" he yelled at her. 

His sudden outburst made her flinch, but not shrink away. She just looked at him, her face set.

For maybe the hundredth  time in these past days Jayne found himself wondering where all her trust came from.

She knew he was referring to his betrayal again. Did he even listen when she said that she did not want to push him uphill constantly? She was growing impatient.

" The past is gone, you cannot take it back, ......it has passed us." She returned, looking at his angry face with those dark, knowing eyes.

" Will you do it gain?"

Now what kind of question was that?

Jayne´s brow furrowed up as he took her in, her dark hair tumbling over her pale shoulders.

Her facial expression was so calm and self- assured, she almost looked like a portrait of some women he had never seen before.

There were a whole lotta´ things he was willing to do for money.....handing her over to the alliance was not among those things anymore, no matter how good the money was.

He knew her now, Jayne realised. She had become more than a job, more than just a pale face, more than Simon Tam´s crazy sister. Hell, he couldn´t even imagine what they would have done to her. The sheer memory of the pain he had felt in that one instant made him want to wince, and he prided himself on how much pain he was able to take....

Jayne could feel the shame wallow up inside him. Now that he knew.....after seeing her fear, feeling her pain. He couldn´t even imagine Serenity without her anymore.

" No" he simply answered. 

It was the simply truth, nothing he cared to elaborate. 

More likely he would kill anybody who tried to lay hands on her......yep, kill them ruddin well slowly and painfully. 

Gingerly he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. 

" I don´t even know how old you are!" 

River looked at him, feeling the back of his hand touch her temple.

" I think that if I´m old enough to be tortured and  brainwashed by people working for the government and hunted down like the last specimen of some rare animal species by the alliance, then I´m old enough to do what I please!" She answered defiantly. 

Jayne laughed at her sassy return. 

" You might wanna mention that in so many words to some of the other people on this ship."

River lifted both of her fine eyebrows at him.

" You care what people think?"

" No." Jayne answered indignantly as though she had just asked him if he liked ballet. 

" Then why would you care if .."

"Well,  I don´t really fancy people thinking I´m some depraved, degenerated pervert for one. And they´d sure as hell think that if anybody found you sleeping in my bed! I mean ....C´mon you gotta know how it looks, right?  Me .....touching you?  Let me tell ya´ ....it´s gotta look pretty bad! And then there is also the ruddin´ question if I enjoy being alive and aboard this ship. Mal would have my ruddin ´ head if he managed to beat Zoe to the kill......cause that´s what´ll happen if they thought I was taking advantage of you. As for your brother ...."

" You don´t." River interrupted him.

" What?"

" You don´t take advantage...maybe I do." She smiled, leaning into the touch of his hand on her cheek. " I know I want you to touch me, that´s not going to change any time soon!"

Jayne pulled back his hand as though he had been burned. He felt like she had just clubbed him over the head. What the hell....

Control had just gone out the window again.....now this was all about restraint, and he had never been very good with that. 

River gave him an annoyed look and sighed.

" Not going downhill again!" she muttered and before he knew it, she had crawled into his lap. Cuddling up to him, River leaned her head against his chest.

" As for my brother...." she yawned ," …..you need not worry about him. I can handle Simon , I always could....even when I was a little girl. Haven´t you heard, ......I´m a genius! 

Right now Simon feels that he needs to protect me .....he saved me and I love him. But he is in way over his head.....I could probably tie him up like a rodeo- calf ..." she giggled at the thought. Tender, loving Simon ...always so proper .....River started to feel sleepy, this was costing her too much strenght , she realised. 

" Watcha mean?" She could her his dark voice rumble in his chest and smiled.

Jayne looked a little helpless, looking at her being completely comfortable to just cuddle up to him like this.

" Part of my training, what they taught me I guess...not just smart things like math or feeling things.......they must have taught me some other stuff too. I know I can take most people on this ship. You , Zoe or the Captain might be a little harder though......I know about guns too. I know what types you have and how they work, the modifications you made ....memorised everything....." she yawned again. 

Jayne noticed that his vision was becoming blurry . Now ...she had just said something that unsettled him , but he could not remember what it was. Could you feel tired in a dream?

He sunk down onto the bed with River sprawled across him.

" I won´t be like this, when I wake up, you know. Sometimes they get very angry when I manage to elude them and then they make me worse. But remember the things I told you...."

Jayne wanted to nod, but he was just so tired, he felt his eyes close on their own accord. He could feel her breathing falling into rythm with his. It was the last thing he noticed before the lights went out. 


	4. Surrender

DISCLAIMER : 

I still don´t own Firefly ( DAMN!!!!) , they still belong to Fox and Mutant Enemy…..though I wish Joss had sold this GREAT show to a more deserving station, where it would have stood a chance!  Fox ….would it be To much to ask if you could just show the rest of the episodes instead hiding them in your vault?  

Notes: 

I try to stay on track here, but sometimes the characters seem to develop their own ideas about where this story should go, even though this chapter is just an interlude …..…..so tell me of you like where they are going ! Thanx!!!

SURRENDER

River woke up in her own bed, feeling cold and sick. She had only vague memories of getting out of his bed and making her way to her own room on unsteady legs. 

Shivering she pulled her blanket tighter around her shoulders. There was a dull, throbbing ache in her head. The dream- walking had cost her too much strength, too much energy that  she needed to resist the voices……

How do you do this? She could hear his words echo in her ears. 

River wished she knew how she did anything…..knowing things, seeing things before they happened, feeling what other people felt, thinking their thoughts……anything. She wished she knew how to control these abitlities. 

But were they really hers? Did she always have them or were they somehow implanted ? Or did she always have the potential and all the tests, the procedures and the experiments were done to her in order to unlock this potential?

The world stated to spin around her as she tried to sit up in her bed. The voices had stopped screaming at her, they were whispering now……whispering maliciously and River could feel her grip on reality slip.They wanted to take over again….

She closed her eyes, swallowing hard. She could feel her whole body tremble uncontrollably……she was loosing it, loosing control, she could feel it. 

The storm had started raging again, all her feelings tumbling over each other until she could not tell them apart anymore. 

River laid back down, desperatly fighting for breath. She heard the door open and opened her eyes slowly.

Simon knelt down next to her, his hand touching her forehead.

" Hey Mei-Mei…" he whispered affectionally. 

She could read worry in his eyes, so River mustered up enough strength to give him a weak smile. 

" Not a good day?" Simon asked her softly, still caressing his sisters face. 

River shook her head slightly and closed her eyes again. 

" Tidal wave has swept me up again ……and I cannot swim anymore, too tired." He could hear her whisper hoarsly. 

Simon carefully kissed her forehead, trying to not look as worried as he was. He feared that would only upset her more. In fact, he was almost too shocked for words, it had been a long time since she had been this sick. After the last few weeks he had begun to hope her condition was slowly improving. She had been calmer and at times even playful and …..somehow happy. Seeing her reduced to this pale, trembling bundle was almost more than the young doctor could bear.

He wanted her to get better, he needed her to get better!

All the different medications and drugs he had been experimenting with had to show some results……what was all his studying, all the things he had learned and worked for  worth if he couldn´t even help his own sister? 

The whispering grew louder and more persistent…….they were laughing at her, telling her that they were a part of her forever. No way she could ever escape them.

" Fear…." She whispered " …dark, nasty bats clawing at my back and I can´t shake them off. Pushing and Pulling me back into the woods where there is no light."

Simon shook his head. He wasn´t sure what she ment to tell him, but it was obvious to him that she was in distress. 

There were times when Simon thought that he understood what she was saying, that he could somehow decypher everything……there had to be a logical pattern! But most of the time the meaning of his sister´s words eluded him. 

" They want to force me to swim, but there are sharks in the pool……sharks in the dark out there." Rivers breath caught in her throat.

No! No …no, no there was something out there, something bad, something evil, she could feel it. She needed to warn them, warn Simon…….something was …..chasing them from far away. If she could just hold on to that thought, but before she knew it , it was swept away and she couldn´t remember. All she knew is that there was danger and she ought to be afraid.

The voices laughed again. 

She felt Simon hold her hand.

" Don´t worry Mei-Mei. It´ll be okay.....we will find a way." 

River had to open and close her eyes several times to to see clearly, as she felt the cool alcohol swap Simon used to clean her armpit. 

Her eyes caught a glimpse of the syringe in his hand and she shook her head frantically.

" No..please…no sticking, no needles." 

He was going to inject her with a new drug designed to help her. It could help her , but River feared that it might also render her even more helpless.

" Shhhh …River, it´s ok. I´m trying to make you better."

She could see his pain, his sadness at seeing her like this. Simon was afraid to, she knew that…..she could feel his fear like cold fist squeezing her heart. He was afraid that he might not be able to cure her, afraid she would stay like this.

River lifted a hand to his face.

" Poor Simon" she thought," what have I done to you?" 

Her brother kissed the inside of her hand, before he injected her with the new medication, hoping and praying that it would show the desired result.

River closed her eyes, ignoring the quick, sharp pain when the needle pierced her skin. 

She felt a flood of warm tears flowing from under her closed eyelids, streaming over hear face.

She felt so weak, so sick…..so powerless and sad. 

" I´m sorry this sparrow can not fly for you …..but she will try." 

Simon just smiled and held her hand.

" It will be alright , River!" he said.

 He only wished he could make himself believe it. 

How many nights was he gonna spent cleaning his weapons over and over again, Jayne wondered. There he was – again, in the ruddin´dead of night- again, unable to fall asleep- Again! 

He was quite fed up with it by now. 

He needed to keep himself busy, keep himself from thinking. He had not seen her for almost two days and as much as he hated to admit it, it had started gnawing on him.. 

When he had woken up, after that gorram disturbing dream, she was gone. But he could still feel her warmth were she had slept and he could smell her on his pillow. That faint lavender smell still lingered in his bunk, as though she had left a part of herself…..

Jayne still hadn´t come to terms with everything that had happened between them. He had never been one to analyze the emotional workings of his mind. He was not into that stuff, he had told her that !

 And yet…he had found his thoughts wander her way lately. He just couldn´t help it. 

That crazy little girl had strung a side in him whose existence Jayne usually conveniently denied

And now he sat at the table in the common area, where they usually took their meals, and cleaned his guns for the hundreth time….hoping the routine would calm down his racing thoughts. Gorram crazy girl……doctor said she had a relapse…

Suddenly he looked up, squinting into the darkness, thinking  he heard a familiar rustling sound in the corridor.

River emerged from the shadows like a ghost. She was so much paler than he remembered, wearing a very old-fashioned , white nightgown.

She put a hand over her eyes, blinking into the dim light. 

" We have to stop meeting like this, ya´know." Jayne said in an effort to set a light mood.

He could tell by looking at her that she was in very bad shape.

River looked at him with a flustered expression on her face.

So much for the joke…..

" You ok?" Jayne asked a lot more roughly than he intended to. He just couldn´t help it. River looked so very pale and sick, it unsettled him. 

Somehow  this girl had found a way to move him…somewhere along the way of their strange encounters he had started to feel protective of her. At first that realisation had bothered him, but they had come to some kind of understanding and now …seing her like this, so distraught…it made him feel powerless. He hated that.

" It´s all amiss." She answered softly " I can´t see, too many clouds in my mind ….like fog. He added to it. I felt so very weak, like a little mouse……they made me weak, were so angry. They let the waves bury me, when I was to exhausted to swim." 

Jaynes forehead creased up slightly.

" Back to that , are we now?" he muttered. 

She had warned him abot that, he had to give her that. At first he had not been sure if the dream was real……but it felt real and it didn´t fade away from his memory like dreams ususally did.

She had told him to remember all the things she said in his dream, the things he had seen….remember that whatever was haunting her would get worse after that.

" Wanted to make me better, stuck me with his needles again. Helpless as a puppy he is though, poor Simon…….cures only add to the mess sometimes. Confusing me, so I can´t see the pattern anymore. He makes me so sad…. Makes me weep for him like a willow." River rubbed her arms absentmindedly.

" He made you cry?" Jayne asked " Somethin´he said or was it another one of his ruddin´drug experiments? "

River slowly  descended the stairs, raising her eyebrows at him in surprise.

For some reason she had thought that he might be angry or annoyed with her….running to him in the middle of the night again, like a cry – baby with her thoughts all ajumble…

She gingerly shook her head, fingers raking through her long hair.

" Not just the needles, not just the drugs…….he gets so angry and sad and desperate….feeling so helpless."

Jayne looked at her face, she frowned as if she were in pain. He tried to figure out what she was saying, not sure if he gave her words the right meaning.

" Your brother got angry with you? Made you cry?" he tried again, unable to completely surpress the fierce look that stole onto his face. He wanted to ……hell he didn´t know what he wanted…….just to make her feel better.

"See…cause I could hurt him, you know….just a little, if he did …make you cry, I mean."

Gorrammit! He was really not very good at this comforting thing. 

Was this how she felt, trying to say something and then have it all come out wrong?

River rewarded him with the faintest smile.

" You would?"

Jayne grinned back at her.

" ´Course I would."

Hell, he´d take any excuse to rough up her fancy brother! 

Their eyes met, Jayne couldn´t resist giving her a wink.

River put a hand to her forehead an squeezed her eyes shut.

" Not his fault. He is still sweet, loving Simon, still on a crusade to save his little sister…..find a cure to make her as she was." 

She smiled sadly.

 " He does not know that she does not exist anymore…….he does not understand that even when I get better, that girl will never come back! She saw too much , too many things nice little girls should not have to see or do …….she left and when all is over there will be just me!"

River sighed, shaking her head.

" He wants to help me so badly…..big brother tries to hold on to the reigns, to stop the horses from runnig away with me……when he is not even driving the carriage!

It´s not how this will work. He can not fight for me, no one can….got to do it all by myself."

She could not focus, no matter how hard she tried. 

She felt like crying, the voices whispering in the back of her mind like the rustling of feathers.

Simon´s drugs were pressing  her down, making her weary…like walls closing in on her. 

She could almost hear the voices laughing again and it made her furious.

You will not win this, she hissed at them in her thoughts.

Jayne looked her up and down, his eyes lingering on her bare feet for a moment. She caught his look and smiled weakly. She knew he remembered holding her feet in his warm hands …how cold they had been. 

He honestly didn´t know what to do.

" The sparrow tried to fly for Simon and now it´s caught in the storm with no place to land……storm swept her up and I got carried away….". 

Jayne put the gun he had been cleaning onto the table.

 Never, never had he been good with this ruddin´feelings stuff….

" C´mere…" he finally said quietly, holding out his arms. It was a simple, almost ordinary gesture….but River knew that for him it was a giant leap of faith. 

She walked straight into his arms, burying her face in the crook of his neck. 

Jayne noticed again how fragile and tiny she felt, as he pulled her onto his lap. How could something so vulnerable and small possess so much strength and determination? 

River felt his arms close around her, one of his hands moving higher to slide under her hair, to rub the back of her neck.

She took a shuddering breath….she was so exhausted, but at least the voices had stoppped……Silence…Safety. 

She could feel tears of relief stinging in her eyes. She bit her lip, she didn´t want to cry. His body was warm and hard, like a wall around her, shielding her from everything that made her sick and sad. Here she was just River.

She closed her eyes and let go…..Jayne heard a gasp escape her lips, felt her heaving and struggling for breath until he realised that she cried.

And River cried like she had never allowed herself to cry before.

 She let it all go…all the pain and desperation, the fear breaking free in painfully violent sobs that shook her whole body. It felt like she could never stop, now that she had started there seemed to be no end….

Jayne tensed up for a moment. This was just too much for him, no situation he had ever encountered before, nothing that could have prepared him for this moment…..no experience what-so-ever to draw from….

He did not know what to do, a part of him wished he could just leave, but he couldn´t …..he wouldn´t turn his back on her now.

 Somehow he felt the need to prove to himself that all her trust was justified, that there was good in him that she had seen…..

So he just sat there, caressing her back, holding her tight……hoping she would calm down because …..

Gorramit, he sure as hell did not know the right words to soothe her pain….

It scared him …..he couldn´t believe that she had this much pain in her, that she had carried it around with her for so long. 

He only hoped that her sobbing wouldn´t wake the others.

" It´s ok darlin´…..stop crying." He whispered into her hair, she finally started to calm down.

River nodded. 

Her arms still clasped behind his neck she looked up at him. Her eyes were red from crying ….as was her nose, she was still pretty though, Jayne thought to himself. 

He cupped her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. 

" It´ll be alright ……you will beat this thing!"

" You don´t know that." 

" Yes I do……look what you did to me!"

" Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just…."

" Gorramit, River! Stop talking like that ……don´t be so ruddin´stupid. You survived whatever it was they did to you! Now you wanna just lay down and die ?  You are stronger than that und you are a smarter than that! Never knew anyone as stubborn as you ….well maybe me….

I honestly don´t think there is anything you cannot do once you set your mind to it!" 

She furrowed her brow.

" Won me over, didn´t you ?"  he growled.

River chuckled against her will. Did she…? Sometimes she wasn´t sure.

She felt his thumb move over he cheek ever so lightly and closed her eyes.

Now this did not go so bad, Jayne thought. 

He actually had done the right thing here….and holding her, that always felt good. 

Her heard her sigh and lean into him, instinctively he pulled her close.

Weird though……he marveled as he stroked her back, even though he was undeniably attracted to her physically, there was no desire in his embrace now ….

He felt ….at peace just sitting there with her on his lap. This was not like him at all……

Jayne planted a carufull kiss on her forehead, he could feel her smile, squeeze his shoulder slightly. 

Rivers eyes fell on the assortment of guns on the table. 

" Ruber& Decker 4/95 , caliber 45…" she recited, looking at the one he had held in his hand when she had entered. 

Jayne looked at her in surprise. 

" That´s right …..how do you know?"

River shook her head . " I´m not sure ….but I also know that if you would take it apart, I could reassemble it in less than 6.5 seconds….."

Jayne laughed out loud. 

" Oh really?"

 River looked at him earnestly, nodding her head.

" Now, we´ll have to see about that, won´t we?"


	5. Belonging

DISCLAIMER:  I don´t own Firefly, the show and all the characters belong  to Mutant Enemy and Fox

NOTES:  

Hope you aren´t bored with this story yet, cause I´ll get to the good stuff in the next chapter … I promise, just need to lay the groundwork and hope I´m not boring you …….

And last but not least : This Chapter is for you  little sister Kate …..though you might never read it! 

And Feedback would be very nice, any suggestions? 

BELONGING

Jayne stared into her eyes with an almost menacing expression on his face, teeth bared in a challenging grin. 

" You sure you wanna go there?" he growled.

River just smiled.

They were sitting on opposite sides of the table, a dismembered gun in front of each of them. 

" Fine ….three, two, one ..Go!"

They both reached for a part of their weapon, but Rivers hands seemed to fly over the table as she reassembled hers. Her mind was completely clear, like a calm, silvery lake. She knew the names to all the different parts, knew where they went …..what their function was…..she did not know where that knowledge came from, she just knew. 

River didn´t even need to look at her hands, her eyes were fixed on Jayne and the look of outmost concentration on his face ……he loved this. 

River smiled and put her hands down on the table, she was almost surprised to see the reassembled gun lying on the table in front of her. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Jayne saw that she had stopped moving. He looked up to see her sit there, hands folded neatly on the surface of the table. His eyes went from her hands, to her face and finally lingered on the gun. 

What the hell…..

Jayne put his half assembled weapon down, cocking an eyebrow at her.

He took the gun and pulled the trigger a couple of times, to make sure she had put it back together in the right order and that it was working. 

River said nothing, she just  watched him, trying to hide the amusement on her face.

Jayne shot her a marvelling look. 

" How did you do that?" He seemed to be asking her this question a lot lately. 

" I told you I don´t know….  It´s not a thing I do consciously. It´s like …..a cool liquid flowing through my mind very slowly and I just know ……know the parts, their names like old friends. It´s like a puzzle, putting it together. And my hands know what to do……" 

Jayne nodded. He knew he should probably not dwell on the thought, but the fact that she knew her way around guns…..

" …..makes your heart sing." River completed his thought quietly, looking at her hands.

 " I can do it with my eyes closed"

" Aw…" he laughed, shaking his head again. " Now you´re just teasing me!"

That ruddin´ little girl…did she know that she had just become irresistible to him? Two weeks ago he had wanted her off Serenity for good and now ….

River gave him an enigmatic smile. 

He was enjoying this…..he was relaxed, for the first time he seemed to be completely at ease, being alone with her. She could feel the warm, golden feeling fanning out inside her chest. 

This was good, not stuck, not struggling uphill……they had made it to a plateau and she liked it there. She wanted this to last. 

" Try me." River finally said.

Something was amiss. Malcolm Reynolds couldn´t really tell what it was, he just knew that something was happening.

There were a lot of reasons why he couldn´t sleep …..not every night, but every other. Some of the things he had seen and experienced in his life were bound to give a man nightmares, and the recent update on torture- techniques by that leech Niska had not improved that condition. But this was not one of those nights…..

This night was different, something had woken him up, but it had nothing to do with dreams. He had heard a strange, unfamiliar sound. Since the incident with that bounty- hunter 

Mal had found himself listening to the sounds on his ship a lot more.

There it was again …..laughter, someone was laughing ……Jayne was laughing.

What the hell was going on ? 

Hesitantly Mal turned on the lights, sitting up in his bed. 

The sound came from the mass…..

Jayne couldn´t help it. His eyes followed her little white hands moving in as blur as if she were performing some weird hypnotic trick…..and not just reassembling his favourite rifle. Her eyes were closed and her face  completely relaxed….she needed less than ten seconds to put Vera back together. 

River opened her eyes to meet his gaze. 

" You are really somthin´else, y´know that ?" 

River put the heavy rifle on the floor, shaking her head.

" It´s not me …." She answered. The fuzzy feeling was still there, warm and comforting. 

" You are nice." 

Jayne raised his eyebrows at her. 

" No, I´m not!" he returned in an almost disgusted tone of voice.

" But you are ….right now! See, you can be ….." 

" Don´t say that!" 

" Why not?" 

" Cause….I don´t like it." He told her exasperated " I don´t like …."

" ….anybody to see that side of you?" she finished for him. " You think it will make you look weak or a lesser man?"

River extended her arm over the table, her hand following an invisible line on his chest. She could feel the scar tissue under his shirt, tracing it with her fingers……the scar she had caused.

" You are never completely at ease with me around, because you can not predict what I do. You don´t like that, it makes you nervous ……so you are always waiting for something to happen…..always so guarded. You fear that this…..me, that I`ll make you weak.!" She whispered eerily. 

Jayne covered her hand with one of his, stopping it´s journey over his chest.

" Stop that." He ground out between his teeth, his eyes boring into hers. " I don´t like it, the way you look into my mind every ruddin´ time you feel like it!"

River returned his look, unflinching. 

" You are not weak." She finally said very seriously, accentuating every word.

She felt him squeeze her hand, felt his steady heartbeat, the rising and falling of his broad chest under her fingers. 

This was new territory for both of them. 

For a minute Jayne just sat there, unsure what to do, holding her hand there, right over his heart. 

A part of them hated this, her seeing through him…..

He didn´t like expressing his feelings, had he ever been good at it neither, but there was something that he felt needed to be said. She had pried him open like an oyster……made him connect with her in a way that he had never connected with anybody else….

He did not know how much she knew already, since she seemed to know pretty much most of the things that went on in his mind. Still, for some unexplainable reason he felt the need to relate his feelings to her.

He shook his head in resignation, this was so not like anything he would do …..it was all her ruddin´fault!

" Don´t know if I could deal, ya know ?  If you went all crazy again…..

I mean not the way you are now, the way you were when you first came here.  If you wouldn´t remember the things you said or done. You keep sayin´ how lonely and dark it´s all been for you. Well darlin´ I´ll tell you somethin´ and you´d better listen ruddin´well because I´m only gonna say this once ……you ain´t the only one who´s been lonely." 

Jayne still couldn´t believe he had said that, even though he heard himself say the words. 

River just looked at him, but she understood. He could see it in her eyes.

She nodded slowly.

" There were times when I thought that I might never find my way out of the woods, because there was no way to see, just trees and beady eyes watching me from the darkness. They watched me stumble around, unable to make sense of anything….-and I thought I would stay like that forever, stay there in the dark ….growing old, withering away. Now that I have begun to struggle it is getting easier to find the path…..and when I´m with you, sheltered in some unfamiliar way….." 

Slowly he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the inside. 

She had been right all along. They might be the most mismatched pair, but they had found each other and now …….no power in the ´verse  would keep him from this crazy little girl. 

She seemed to know how his mind worked, what he thought and why he did the things he did ……and it didn´t seem to scare or disturb her. She accepted it, understood it even. 

Suddenly River violently  jerked her hand from his grip, only mere seconds before he could hear footsteps in the corridor and Mal ´s booming voice.

" Now , what the hell is going on here?" 

Jayne looked from the Captain to River who seemed to be busying herself with taking apart the Ruber & Decker again. 

Somehow she had anticipated Mal´s approach…..and reacted to it just in time.

Mal took the whole scene in and he did not like what he saw. Apart from the fact that  this  was ….. Jayne and River of all people! Sitting in the mass together …in the dead of night …..playing with guns…..without trying to hurt each other …..apart from that? Now wait a minute! This was not right, this was …….insane!

" What are you doing here?" he repeated, growing more irritated by the second. 

Good question …Jayne thought to himself …..and he had no answer to that question, at least none Mal would like. 

" Nothing." He finally croaked, trying to sound as though it was no big deal. 

" Doesn´t look like nothing to me!"

Mals gaze fixed on River who was quite obviously in the process of slowly dismantling one of Jayne´s guns and with very adept fingers at that! 

" Jayne?" Mal hissed " Can I talk to you for a minute …over here!"

" Sure." Jayne tried to not look at River as he moved over to where Mal was standing. 

" Would you please explain to me what the hell you are doing?" 

" What do you mean?" Jayne stalled.

" What do you mean ..what do I mean?  Are you daft? You ruddin´well know what I´m talking about!" Mal wanted to yell, but he kept his voice down, looking over to  where River was sitting. She had finished with the gun and sat at the table, head bowed and hands folded. 

" You and her sitting here together in the middle of the night…..what kind of stunt are you trying to pull ?"

" I´m not trying to pull anything!" Jayne spat out offended. " Look …..I was just sitting here, cleaning my ruddin´ guns when she walked in. Couldn´t sleep either I guess,……….with her brother drugging her up constantly , no surprise there if you ask me…….. so we started talking and she….." 

" You …talking …to her?" Mal interrupted nonplussed " Are you kidding me?  And you let her handle your guns…? Have you completely lost your mind?"

Jayne stole another look at River, who was still sitting unmoved, as though none of this concerned her. But Jayne could tell she was listening to every word that was said……..did he just see her lips twitch? 

That gorram´ girl! Did she think this was funny …him being grilled by Mal? 

Jayne had to force himself from grinning. Yeah ..he let her handle his guns, even Vera ….he´d let her handle a whole lotta other things too…….again, that was something he´d better not mention to Mal if he wanted to keep breathing oxygen. Better not to dwell on that thought then!

" You said she was part of the ruddin´crew!" he answered instead.

Mal made a face. 

" What does that have to do with anything …..Wash is part of the crew too and I don´t see you cleaning guns with him!" 

Mal shook his head in utter confusion. Had somebody by any chance hit Jayne over the head with something really heavy? 

"Not too long ago you wanted her off this ship …..the sooner the better! And now …this …" he gestured in Rivers approximate direction.

" The ammunition is in my bunk….they are not loaded." Jayne explained " And …seriously Mal." He looked the captain in the eye. " I Think there are some things that you need to see…" 

He took Mal by the elbow and lead him back to the table.

" Show him.." 

River looked up to them with an expression of outmost innocence on her face.

Jayne had to surpress a grin ...again. 

" That thing you did with my guns …show him."

Mal ´s gaze wandered from River to Jayne and back.. Apart from  the surreal nature of this whole situation there was something else  that he couldn´t quite put his finger on ……

River just nodded. 

" Now watch this , Captain." Mal heard Jayne say, but his eyes were trained on  River. 

Mal could not help it, every time he looked at her she reminded him more of a pixie ……he would not be surprised if he´d find too perfectly pointed ears under that unruly mass of dark hair. 

The girl took a deep breath and closed her eyes, the same instant her hands moved over the parts of the dismantled gun. Mal had never seen her hands move that fast or with that much accuracy…or anybody else´s hands for that matter. In mere seconds she had put the weapon back together, pulling the trigger to make sure it worked. 

Mal stared at her dumbfolded. 

He had known that River was special, that there were things she knew, things she did  …things she was capable and that was probably the reason why the alliance was after her….but this …

" How did she do that?" Mal whispered, still in awe.

" She doesn´t know." 

" I don´t know."   River and Jayne answered. 

Mal gave them a startled look. 

" That does not change the fact that you should not touch any guns!" he told River sternly" And you should probably go back to bed now, before your brother wakes up and finds you gone …." 

River resisted the urge to tell Mal that the only thing that might be able to disturb her brother´s sleep would be a stampede ……

Mal almost sounded like Simon, they both had this way of talking to her sometimes, as if she were a child …..that soft, careful way. 

She like the Captain a lot, he had saved her ……not forsaken them when they were being kidnapped, he was not as hard and ruthless as he pretended to be ……anybody could  see that. 

He was a complicated man and sometimes she could sense the pain he had buried deep inside of himself. He had a dark place too……a place, a time that haunted him. His was full of death, dark and cold and muddy ……trenches filled with grief and disappointment. That was one of the reasons why he couldn´t stomach defeat. It was something he never wanted to accept ever again after all the blood- spilling and dying……

River shook her head, trying to chase the feelings and thoughts that emanated from him from her mind before they would overwhelm her. 

She could feel Jayne ´s eyes on her. 

River nodded and gave the captain a faint smile. 

Jayne`s eyes followed her as she ascended the stairs and disappeared into the darkness of the corridor. Something told him that it wasn´t her bed she was going to end up in. 

Mal turned to him, searching his face. 

" The guns?" he asked angrily. 

" She told me that she could reassemble the Ruber & Decker in less than 6.5 seconds……" Jayne answered uneasily " I wanted to know if it was true …and then …well , it´s like a  ruddin ´ puzzle for her." 

" And what did you two talk about, if I may be  so  bold to ask?"

Jayne turned towards the table and started to put the weapons away.

" Dunno …things, her brother and the drugs, she´s getting better. I think I get her now…." .

" You get her? " Mal looked sceptical.

Jayne cocked an eyebrow at him.

" What´s that supposed to mean?"

" Nothing, just that I find it hard top believe that you of all people suddenly tell me that River is getting better and that you get her……  I vividly remember her trying to cut you up into little pieces because she thought you´d look better in red. And you tried to sell her to the alliance …." 

" I wouldn´t do that anymore." Jayne interrupted him. " And she didn´t mean to do that …."

" So what ….you´re best buddies now ?  What is it with you and River all of a sudden ?" 

" She knows." 

" What?" 

" She knows what I did ……she knows, she already knew that day."

" Ha …" Mal thought about that. " Doesn´t really surprise me, you know. That girl has ways of knowing things. But I think she is getting better now, like you said. Her brother´s medication seems to work.. She´s still far away from being normal, but …..she´s progressing it seems."

Jayne put the handguns into a big leather – pouch. 

" Struggling uphill, that´s what she calls it." He told Mal, who was still observing the taller man with a look of faint suspicion  on his face. 

" I don´t know how anyone can overcome sumthin´ like that in a matter of weeks or even months."

" How would you know?" 

Jayne thought about it for a minute. Now he was in a little bit of trouble….but he didn´t like Mal´s way of thinking which  implied that he didn´t know what he was talking about…hell if there was somebody on this ship who knew it would be him. 

" I saw part of the deal, part of what happened to River at that gorram´ academy…" 

Mal looked at him, brow furrowing. 

" What the hell are you talking about? How could you have seen any of it?" 

" Well…" Jayne scoffed " I was there, for one!"

" You were there ?"  Mal started to wonder if maybe Rivers crazyness had rubbed off on Jayne. 

" Yeah, that gorram girl showed me ……showed me what they had done to mess with her head, came to me in a ruddin´dream!"

Mal´s eyebrows rose almost high enough to touch his hairline. 

" You dreamt of River?" 

Jayne ignored the implication.

" A few days ago she …don´t know how she did it, but she came into my dream and took me on a little tour in her mind. I saw at least part of what these government creeps did to her…." He looked Mal in the eye. 

 " …and it was bad Mal." Jayne said seriously.

" We´ve both seen a whole lotta bad things, done some bad things too, when we thought we had to, but that …..she´s just a little girl. She does not deserve this!"

Jayne realized that Mal was still giving him an assessing glance. " Why you looking at me like that?"

" Well….." Mal said slowly " That´s mighty interesting, don´t know what to think about all this. And I ´m amazed …..you do actually have a heart. I knew all that , you know …I mean about her being a little girl, a strange, scary sometimes even dangerous girl, mind you, but you are right …..she did not deserve this. Nobody does." 

Mal smiled sadly before he snapped out of it. 

" Well we´d better get some sleep too, got that deal tomorrow once we arrive on Tribus." 

When he returned to his bunk, Jayne found her sleeping in his bed again. He put the weapon´s pouch down quietly, and carefully placed Vera on the table before he knelt down in front of the bed. Slowly he moved one of his thumbs over her tightly knitted brows. She mumbled something incoherent but did not wake up.

He took of his boots as quietly as possible and laid down next to her. Putting one arm around River´s waist from behind, Jayne pulled her to him, her back flush against his broad chest. 

Jayne inhaled her warm, clean scent and rested her head next to hers. 

She was fast asleep, so he could just go with it and behave like this…..be like this with her. 

She felt so dainty anfd fragile in his arms. 

" The only person I need to be protected from……the only person I want to be

 protected by …" he remembered her say.

Where the ruddin´hell was all of this going? 

Half the time she seemed to fight a war with a part of herself, in and out of her mind all the time ……..and yet, when she made sense, when she was in control it all made perfect sense to him. 

 In her sleep River rolled around to bury her face in the crook of his neck. Jayne held her closer, kissing her forehead before his chin came to rest on the top of her head. 

When he woke up, River was gone. 


	6. She stoops to conquer

Disclaimer : I do not own Firefly or any of the Characters on Serenity , they belong to Fox and Mutant Enemy!  

But hopefully we will all soon be able to own them on DVD ( I can´t wait!) 

Notes: Thanks again for all the kind feedback!! 

I admit to borrowing this chapter´s title from the british writer Oliver Goldsmith, I just couldn´t resist! 

Thanks again to my  wonderful friend Franzy who bears with my OBSESSION and liked my story….

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER

  They had landed, River could feel it in her sleep. She could also feel Simon´s drugs wearing of ……and she was becoming more and more agitated. There was something …..she could feel it, some kind of impending danger . 

 She shook her head. 

Not good, not good ….. they were doing the crime thing again. From what she gathered from conversations between the Captain and Zoe they were trying to sell what was left of the medical supplies…....the ones they had stolen when ……

River shook her head again, looking around the room until she found her purple dress. 

Guns, she thought, guns were not enough……they needed something else or things would go wrong, terribly wrong! 

"No boots…" she whispered to herself, " No boots , too loud……..still as a mouse, light as smoke …." 

She needed to be quiet, Simon could not see her or he would stick her again, with his needles and she did not need this now.

River screwed her eyes shut and tried to concentrate…if she could only pierce through all the fog, the thick fog in her mind. The voices were more than a background noise right now, coming and going like the tide, ……louder, than softer. They were whispering

,then yelling about the danger. She needed to do something, there was gonna be blood………so much blood if she didn´t ……….

The frustration brought tears to her eyes. 

" I  know.." she whispered to the voices " I understand …please let me go, let me help! I can make things right!"

 But she was still so confused and unsure of what to do. She needed to act on that feeling though…..he could not go like this, guns were not enough! 

If only she knew exactly what was going on, but the whole picture was hidden from her view. She never knew all the details, only fragments…….only what might come to pass if the circumstances remained unaltered. She never knew everything, only the different possibilities.

She needed to see him, then it would be alright,….no more confusion, no voices and she might be able to make him see …….at least make him take precautions even though she would not be able to explain why. 

River looked around the room once more……..her secret, now where did she put it?

It was as though she could feel the chemicals fading from her metabolism as she suddenly realised that this time it wasn´t the voices that made her so confused, it was the drugs! 

There was still something inside her, at the dark place, but this time …..whatever it was, it wasn´t trying to confuse her. It was urging her on, rallying violently …….to see, to understand. 

There were different kinds of danger! Different layers to the feeling of impending doom that held her heart in a death grip………and the thing, the loud voice inside of her screamed for her to look into the right direction, to see it coming.

River pressed her hands to her temples.

Not now, not now …….first things first. There was something he needed from her. 

River smiled…..and then there was something she needed from him. 

Jayne walked along the corridor, checking his gun before he put it into the holster he was wearing around his hips. Suddenly two white, tiny hands grabbed the front of his shirt out of nowhere and pulled him into the empty shuttle he had been passing. 

" Ruddin` hell! What the …." 

" Can´t go yet…." River hissed, looking around carefully to make sure Inara didn´t notice what was going on right in front of her own shuttle door, before she closed the door behind them. 

" River …..are you out of you gorram mind , girl?"

She shot him an ironic look that made Jayne smirk involuntarily.

" Never mind." He added " Watcha doin´? Mal and Zoe are waiting for me in the cargo- bay, I need to go." 

River shook her head, pulling a knife out of her purple dress. Jayne didn´t even want to guess where she got it from or where she had been hiding it …….he instinctively stepped back.

River frowned, she was agitated and nervous, he could see it in her face.

It was a long, slim blade and there was no mistaking the deadly gleam……the silvery metal was clean and sharp.

He looked from the blade to her face, not exactly sure what to expect. He did not like this, even though he didn´t think she would try to cut him again. 

River felt his tension and shook her head again, angry with herself. But she had this feeling, this bad feeling ….something bad could happen. The voices were whispering again, urgently…..somewhere   one voice rose over all the others, like a high- pitched scream. Using all her strength  River pushed them to the back of her mind. There was something else …something dangerous, but she couldn´t remember.

" Take it!" she demanded, holding the knife out to him. 

It was an expensive, beautifully crafted blade, Jayne could tell from just looking at it, more a piece of art than a weapon …..but it would serve it´s purpose, he was sure of that. It looked old, maybe an antique?

" Take it…please." River pleaded.

" Don´t think I´ll…." 

" You will need it!" she interrupted him, offering him the knife again.

Jayne carefully took the knife from her hands and put it into his boot with her following every move of his.

When he was done River nodded, a look of relief flooding her features.

It was almost as if he could see the tension falling away from her shoulders.

Now that was better, he thought, she had almost spooked him there….

He gave her a wink and moved to leave the shuttle, but River stood in his way and made no attempt to step aside.

When he stood directly in front of her she looked up, gathering her hair to pull it over her shoulders. Her facial expression had changed…..

" You need to kiss me before you go out there to do …..crime or whatever it is the three of you will be doing. Before you go out onto the planet…..I need you to kiss me before you leave."

She told him in a very authoritative tone of voice.

Jayne stared down at her, a little taken aback.

" What?" 

" I need you to …."

" I heard watcha said!" 

" Why do you ask then? That makes no sense…." River said confused. 

She thought she had made herself very clear …all the words had come out in the right order, the right way……no twisting.

Jayne furrowed his brow. Was she for real? Sometimes she made him feel all kinds of stupid.

" Look" he ground out between his teeth. " River …I have no time for ruddin´ games now….they are waiting for me and we don´t want them start looking, do we?" 

" No playing…." River shook her head " If we are ..I don´t know the rules , don´t know the game…"

His breath came out in an exasperated hiss. That gorram girl! She had disarmed him again…..everytime! As though she wanted to outsmart him on purpose …..most likely that was indeed the case. They both knew she was a genius, …..and Jayne didn´t even give in to the illusion that he might one day get the best of her.

" Listen …you ruddin´well know that this is neither the time nor the place for this."

The same time he heard the words come out of his mind he wondered what was wrong with him.

River´s brows knit together again, she did not like this , she was getting impatient. They were stuck again, despite all her efforts! How could this be?

" I know I want you to…that is what makes it right. And I know you want to…..this is how it is done, how it is supposed to be …you kiss the girl before you go.."

" River!" he almost yelled but remembered Inara being not too far away so he forced himself to keep his voice down." We´ve  been over this! I want to …and you ruddin´ well know that I can´t hide it from you! But…."

Now wait a minute…..Jayne suddenly realized that somehow they were not arguing if he wanted to anymore…..they were arguing about whether or not he should comply! How the hell did she do it? 

" Why are you acting all stiff again?" River asked angrily.

Jayne shot her a foul look that would have shut up most people, not her though …..he knew that. She was not afraid of him, but did she even know what she was implying there?

Best not go there now….

River sighed and leaned into him, one of her hands moving over his chest…..and all of Jayne´s self- restraint went out the window.

He put a hand in the back of her neck. Leaning down, lifting her mouth to his, he kissed her with all the pent up emotion he had been harbouring since the night in cargo bay. He half expected her to pull away and run scared….but River just slid her hands around his back and opened her mouth to him with a tiny little mewl. He felt the tip of her tongue graze  the line where there lips met. He could feel her tremble though as he put his other hand in the small of her back, locking her body to his.

The sheer force of his embrace almost lifted her of her feet.

River felt him inhale with a sharp hissing sound and his arms tightened around her even more. 

It seemed to her that her whole body was singing,that she would be consumed by this feeling…

She could feel his hard body pressed against her, all muscle and sinew and bone, she could feel his muscles move beneath his skin as she slid her hands over his back.

This was good…golden and warm, she felt as though she must be glowing with all the exciting sensations….

An involuntary gasp escaped her as Jayne carefully pushed her away from him, his hands still on her shoulders……wondering if all of  her skin was that soft. He shook his head …get your mind out of the ruddin´ gutter! We are not going there now!

Breathing heavily Jayne looked at her, searching her eyes.

This was something he definitely wanted to remember for the rest of his life. Her standing there, hair all mussed up, her pale skin slightly flushed. She was by far the most exciting thing he had ever seen…..and that was exactly why he needed to leave now …this instant. Not to long ago he would have just given in to his impulses, but he surprised himself by drawing back.

Gorram hell ! That ruddin´girl really did get to him……could it be that he was starting to grow a conscience now?  Or had that process started a while ago and he just hadn´t noticed so far ?

River returned his intense look, realizing what he was thinking. He wanted her…….she tried to surpress a smile. The fuzzy feeling made her light-headed.

" You have to go…" she uttered softly, bringing him back to his senses.

" Go…right." Jayne nodded and moved past her swiftly, but before opening the shuttle door he thought the better of it.

 Maybe she really was a witch ….or a fairy or something along those lines, she surely had enchanted him….that tiny slip of a girl!

He turned around, to caress her cheek, one of his thumbs moved lightly over her lower lip. 

River felt the fuzzy feeling spread from her chest, tingling even down to her toes. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, it was a gesture of complete and utter surrender,  that only spurred him on.

" Gorramit!" she heard him say under his breath, before he leaned down to capture her lips again in a very slow and seductive kiss.

He had been right, the fact  that he usually didn´t kiss women on their mouths didn´t mean that he wasn´t good at it.

Jayne pondered the same thought, he had rarely felt the need to kiss women this way…maybe once or twice in his life……but her…this girl he wanted to kiss. Really kiss her  and enjoy kissing her, he thought as his lips moved down her jaw-line to her throat.

He could feel her pulse race underneath her smooth skin, feel her hands move through his short hair as she arched her back. 

He was beyond amazed, she was all feeling …had she even done this before or did it all come naturally to her?

His hands moved into her soft hair and his kiss grew more passionate. He really needed to get out of here or there was no telling what might happen.

He  didn´t understand what was happening, why he felt the urge to kiss her like this…….half of the time she drove him insane, a few weeks ago he hadn´t even liked her! 

And what she saw in him, though she had tried to explain……the devil might know! This…..was most likely wrong, but it felt pretty darn good! She felt so good…..sweet and soft and warm, moving in his arms, breathing….kissing him. 

River felt his tongue explore her mouth,….. she wanted  to get even closer to feel more of him.

No…this had to stop now! He needed to stop now, Jayne realized ……after all he was only a man and this ……this would not stop here! If he couldn´t, she sure as hell wouldn´t be the one to put an end to this.

Finally he stepped back, driving his hands through her dark, tangled hair once more. He couldn´t even look at her ….he needed to get out now!

" Gotta go!" he whispered roughly, turning around, almost fleeing the shuttle.

As he made his way to the cargo- bay he hoped and prayed that the others would not be able to see through his stony expression……see how shaken he was.

Focus, gorramit!

He needed to focus, to concentrate on the job at hand…….focus on the upcoming deal.

" Where the hell have you been?" Mal called up to him when he reached the railway.

" We´ve been waiting for you!" 

" Forgot my knife!" Jayne answered as grumpily as possible.

" Good to go then…" Zoe said.

" Let´s do it!" Jayne nodded.

Gorramit! Pull it together and focus on the deal! 

" You will need it!" he heard her whisper in his mind. He could feel the blade inside his boot, cool  and reassuring. 

He shook his head again. He needed to stop,to start acting like his old self……but all he could think about as they left the ship, was to wrap her up in his arms and hold her as tight as possible.


	7. Chimera

DISCLAIMER : I Don´t own Firefly or any of the characters, they belong to Fox and the genius that is Joss Whedon

NOTES: Sorry, took me a little longer. Took me a while to figure out where this is going, but now I know where they will take  me. I hope you´ll like it. 

CHIMERA

River felt agitated and on edge, she had been pacing the ship all day, apparently waiting for something. Simon wasn´t even sure if she knew herself what it was that she was waiting for. But ever since Mal, Zoe  and Jayne had left the ship, River had started to behave like a caged animal. Simon did not like it. She was mumbling to herself, shaking her head. He had approached her twice in  these past hours, to calm her down. She had looked up at him with a stern expression, hands stretched out, palms turned upwards. 

" No, Simon .." she had said, softly but with very determined tone of voice, backing away very slowly. 

" No drugs, no needles….not today!"

" But Mei- Mei……"

She shook her head again, looking straight at him with clear, dark eyes.

" No cures, not today……..I need to be here!"

Then she had just turned and walked away. And he let her...

Simon had to admit that he was at a loss. He did not know what to make of her behaviour. Did his Sister have another of those strange premonitions ? 

Lately he had found himself wondering what it was that she saw…….demons, angels, the past, the future? He did not know. All Simon knew was that River saw more than all of them….she saw too much.

" They are coming back." Simon suddenly heard Wash´s voice over the intercom. 

" Seems as though they did run into some trouble. From what the captain told me the buyers were ambushed and killed and their killers were waiting for them with no intention of paying or leaving without the medical supplies."

" Are they ok?" Kaylee yelled breathlessly

" Captain says it was a close call, but they´re alright." Wash answered.

Simon turned to look at River, wondering if she could have foreseen this, but she wasn´´t there. 

River turned around and started running. She knew it wasn´t far, they had already entered the ship ……and Serenity was no too big. Still she ran as fast as her feet would carry her, every breath caught in her throat so that she had to force herself to inhale.

She wanted to yell his name as they came into sight, wanted to call out to him, but she had no breath to waste.

He must have heard her feet on the cold meta of the catwalk though, because he looked up the exact moment that River flew down the stairs. He turned around and his eyes met hers.

River just hurled herself at him, throwing her arms around him……still gasping for air.

 Jayne caught her with a grim expression on his face.

She had known …….somehow she had known! 

Her little present might have saved all their lives today …..they had disarmed them, but for some reason they had not looked for knives.

He carefully readjusted his posture, moving back a tiny step to better support her body against him. 

Neither of them were able to see the bewildered look on Mal´s  face  as he watched the events unfolding right in front of him.

River felt his arms wrap around her and closed her eyes.

She only wished she could finally shake the cold feeling of fear …..but it was still there.

They were back, they were alive! So why……why did the feeling grow stronger still, why did the screaming in her head become even louder? 

" You are back." She whispered breathlessly.

" You got that right, sparrow.." Jayne answered roughly through gritted teeth.

 He knew this …..this happening right there and then was a recipe for disaster, plain and simple. But Jayne suddenly realised that somewhere along the line he had stopped caring if anybody knew….

" You needed the blade." 

Jayne put his hands around her face. He needed to look into her eyes …..she had known, on some level she had known and she had tried to warn him…..to protect the three of them. The girl had tried to protect them! Suddenly Jayne found him-self wondering how many times she had tried to warn them before…….unbeknownst to them

" Damn right I did!"

If she hadn´t pushed him to take that ruddin ´ fancy knife, they could be all dead by now. They had thought it was a routine job…..a little dangerous, but not threatening. And they had been sure to have the upper hand ……he didn´t even think to take a knife, neither did Mal and Zoe. They took all those guns …….they thought it would be enough. 

So here they were now and she had come running straight into his arms for the whole world to see. She had blown their cover once and for all and he couldn´t care less.

He looked over her shoulder to see the whole crew, including Inara, staring at them, mouths agape ……..not really able to make sense of it yet.

" Well, I guess the cat is out of the gorram´ sack now, ha?" Jayne whispered into her ear, wondering if she was oblivious to pretty much everybody staring at them in shocked silence.

Couldn´t be long now until Mal would pull out his gun…..

River turned around, her brow creasing up slightly as she caught the look on her brother´s face. She was rapidly developing a throbbing headache ……something was wrong and it had nothing to do with the admittedly complicated situation she had just gotten them into.

" I´m sorry !" she said softly …….and that was when all hell broke loose. Everybody started yelling and talking at once….

" What the hell….."

" Jayne ….what is going on?"

" Get your hands off my sister!"

" What are you doing?" 

It was not exactly as Jayne had pictured it, but it was pretty gorram´ close. They all started advancing on the two of them, talking, yelling , gesturing . He couldn´t really make out what they were saying……he was pretty sure it was nothing too flattering though….

He stole a quick glance at River as she stepped to the side, taking his hand while she made a face. 

He should probably say something, but Jayne knew that there was nothing he could say that would improve this situation in anyway. 

River shook her head. It was all her fault, she knew it……she needed the confusion to stop. There was enough noise inside her head, she didn´t need the noise on the outside as well. The pain in her head grew so strong that she felt as if her skull would burst, soon she wouldn´t be able to discern between the voices screaming inside her head and the screaming that was going on all around her.

 She could  see  the hurt and worry in Simon´s face, the puzzlement in Kaylee´s eyes and the anger that was building up inside the captain ……she could hear their thoughts like a persistent  whisper through the noise. River tried to push all the overwhelming emotions away from her……she could not give in now. 

If she lost control, all would be lost…..and yet there was this nagging, malignant voice that had started to consume all the other voices in her thoughts. The voice that told her that she was missing something,  that she needed to listen…….that there was something else. She could feel the fear inside her wallowing up, squeezing her insides, twisting them into tight, cold knots.

Jayne felt River squeeze his hand and turned to look at her. She looked as though she was in pain. It was plain to see that she was loosing it. 

Gorrammit! Just what they needed right now…her freaking out on him! They would blame it on him for sure……and he could see in her eyes that she knew it too. 

" Can´t …" 

She shook her head taking another step backwards. Jayne could see the panic in her eyes, but he knew there was nothing he could do.

Simon saw it too, because he walked over briskly, reaching for his sister.

" What are you doing to her?" he spat at Jayne.

" Not him …" whispered River, lifting one hand to her forehead, squeezing her yes shut in pain. 

Then she looked up at Simon, searching his eyes. She was going to loose this fight, she could feel it, the fear became so strong, making her so weak that she couldn´t breathe ….her eyes grew wide as she finally realised what was happening.

" Stop!" She screamed at the top of her lungs and everybody stopped talking at once, but  River collapsed.

 She didn´t even feel her legs buckling as she lost consciousness. It was as though somebody had turned off the lights. River crumpled to the floor without a sound. Everybody stared at her in shock, as she started convulsing. 

" Oh my god!" Mal could hear Zoe´s voice next to him. 

" We need to get her to sick bay…..what is happening?" Inara added softly. 

Jayne didn´t think, he just gathered her up from the ground, staring at Simon. 

" Get your hands off her, this is all your fault!" The young doctor hissed. 

" You want to carry her?" Jayne ground out angrily? 

" Loosing time here!" Mal said stepping between them, shooting Jayne a withering glance. 

" Put her down here." Simon said his back towards the crew, as he went threw several drawers in the lab, while Jayne carefully as not to hurt River, laid her down on the gurney. She was still shaking all over. 

That gorram girl …..knew the future, knew every ruddin´thing that went on in his mind …..one would think that she would know when bad things were gonna happen to her! 

Her eyes were still open, staring at the ceiling, but Jayne could see that they were completely blank, not focusing on him or anything else around her……it scared him more than he would ever tell. She looked like a doll, not like a girl…..

" She´s not here…." He whispered, putting one hand to her cheek. Suddenly aware of the rest of the crew standing in the doorway, staring, he pulled his hand way. 

Mal stared at him, stonefaced. 

" Go to your bunk, I´ll talk to you later!" he said dangerously calm.

Better not to argue with him now, Jayne thought to himself, though he hated abandoning her like this. He did feel guilty……what if this was his fault?

What if she stayed like this ? 

He felt as though he had somehow failed her ……she had managed to get him into one of these situations again, where he had to come to term with his feelings …again. How he hated those.....

Mal was kind of surprised as Jayne just walked by him with a distant look on his face, avoiding the stares of his fellow crewmembers. 

" Let me know …..if …..I need to know, ok?" he whispered before he went and it took Mal a few seconds to realise that he was talking about River ……if she was going be okay. 

River looked around. She found herself standing in a vast desert-valley. The sand beneath her feet was black, as were the rocks and the mountains she could make out on the horizon. It was dark, there was no moon in the night-sky, no stars……the only sound was the howling of the  wind. 

She did not recognize the place, even though she was quite sure that it was inside her mind, now that she had lost control.

How did she get here? 

" You need to listen to me now!" The demanding voice sounded strangely like hers and it seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

" Who are you?" River whispered confused. She had never seen this place before. She had never created a place like this in her mind. 

" I am you………I am your future. I am everything you will become." 

River shook her head.

" No , you are not a part me. I don´t recognize you. You were not here before, when I began ……you were not here in the beginning!"

" I am here now. I will never leave."

River looked at her feet thinking. Everything came together very slowly and River understood ….finally it  had dawned on her. She could feel her breath catch in her throat.

" You come from the dark place. You were born there, ……you are no part of me! You were forced upon me!"

" I was never born. I am here now, part of you now. The potential was always there …." 

" No!" River returned calmly. 

" You don´t belong to me…..you are on your own. You have no speech, no voice, so in order to speak  you have to steal mine. You have no name but the one I have been given……without me you would cease to be. You cannot exist without me, inside my mind. If you would disappear, I would still be………but if I die, you will be extinguished."

" I will not let you die ……that´s why I brought you here. You have been ignoring me ……ignoring the danger, the signs. You left me no choice, I have been waiting for so long, biding my time…..but our time is running out! You need to see, need to tell them about the things that are coming. You want your friends to survive, don´t you? Let me show you ….."

River regained her consciousness with a gasp, her eyes blinded by the bright lights of sick-bay. She could see her brother´s worried expression and the captain staring down at her torn between shock and curiosity. 

She drew a ragged breath, trying to focus but found that she couldn´t. She felt her lips move, but no words came out. There were no voices left, just the one that sounded like her own. It was yelling at her ……..trying to force her to react, to say ….it wanted to speak. It wouldn´t let her talk, it wanted control and it wanted it now.

River realised that she was unable to move her hands or feet. A chill ran down her spine, Simon must have strapped her to the gurney.

Oh god, what had she done this time….she couldn´t remember.

" Simon.." it was nothing more than a hoarse whisper, her mouth was so dry.

" It´s ok Mei-Mei……you had a seizure. You will be ok …."

She shook her head, trying not to cry. This was wrong, so very wrong …now that she knew what they had done to her, now that she understood she needed to explain to him. 

River looked around franticly. Kaylee was standing in the doorway, her face a mask of sadness and worry, the captain and her brother on both sides of her gurney ……she couldn´t find Jayne anywhere.

" I  need to sedate her." She could hear Simon tell Mal softly. " If she stays this agitated she might hurt herself or trigger another seizure."

" You know what caused this?"

Simon gave Mal an angry look.

" You really need to ask me?"

Mal frowned. Sure…that thing with Jayne and River…whatever it was that he had seen….. had shook him up pretty good. But somehow he doubted that it had anything to do with this. He was gonna have words with Jayne, that was for sure…..try to get to the bottom of this.

River felt the sting of the needle and started crying out of sheer frustration. She needed to tell him, but she couldn´t and now …..she was lost.

" It´s like a cocoon." She finally whispered as the drugs started to affect her.

Mal gave Simon a look. 

" What she sayin´?"

" A cocoon.." River repeated looking at him, while tears trailed down the sides of her face.

" Waiting for the beautiful butterfly to break out of it´s shell…..to sparkle and warm his wings in the sunlight."

Rivers eyes fixed on Simon. She could not make the right words come out, she could hear it, still she hoped he might understand. Her face contorted as though she was in pain.

" But there is no butterfly, no butterfly in there……just this thing, this dark, ugly creature…..this horrible thing!" she added breathlessly.

Simon put his hands on her shoulders, but River would not calm down. She shook her head.

" River.."

" No! No…..you don´t understand! I am the cocoon and there will be no butterfly! It has been sleeping in me, deep inside …..hidden, sleeping  and now it has enough of waiting! It wants out! It wanted out for a very long time. It shrieks and screams and whispers lies to me….telling me it is time to put my arms down. It´s the autopilot and it wants to take over for good, wants out of the cocoon ……out of it´s shell. Piercing through me to gleam in the darkness …and ….and if I let it…..I will be gone. No more River ….just this unnameable thing! That dark, black, shiny thing that has no name other than death and obedience!"

Like it? Sorry I know the ending is very abrupt ….I will hurry with the next chapter!!


	8. Tempest

DISCLAIMER: I don´t own  „ FIREFLY" , all characters belong to Joss Whedon and Fox , so please don´t sue me. I have nothing you might want. 

The only reason I have to write this is because this brilliant show got cancelled!!! 

Notes: 

Sorry, it´s kind of a bumpy ride right noe and I´´m fully aware of this. Just bear with me a little longer. It will all be explained…..

Thanks for the nice feedback, it´s always appreciated!

TEMPEST

„ How is she?"

" Sleeping for now. She came to for some time…said some really weird things, a lot actually though none of it made sense to me or our good doctor. He gave her something to calm her down, knocked her out for the rest of the night." 

Mal closed the hatch to Jayne´s cabin behind him and watched the tall mercenary shake his head.

" Those gorram drugs never did any good for all I know…"  he met Mal´s stare, realising that the captain had most likely not come to discuss River´s current condition. 

He was slipping up……and it was her, all her …..he had never behaved like this before that ruddin´girl came along! And now she was lying there all pale and sick and there was nothing he could do…….he had never felt this powerless in all his life and Jayne hated it!

"You seem to know a lot of things about River…."

Jayne shook his head, eliciting a bitter laugh.

" Believe me …..it´s the other way around." 

He returned Mal´s impatient glare, crossing his arms in front of his chest, mimicing Mal´s stance. 

" And now….?"

" Now you´re gonna explain to me what the hell it was that I saw this afternoon …..with all the hugging…..what in devil´s name is going on between you and River? And it´d better not be what I am thinking …"

" How am I supposed to know what it is you are thinking?" 

Jayne shot back evasively.

 He vividly remembered the looks his crewmates had given him…..somewhere between shock and disgust. Even he could figure out what they were thinking…..hell, he knew what it looked like! He would have probably thought the same! And he hated it …..it felt bad, dirty and he didn´t like that feeling …..that was not what this thing was about! 

Mal lifted his eyebrows at him.

" Oh you ruddin´well know what I think! And it´d better not be that, because…That´s just …"

Jayne shook his head again. 

" It´s not what you think!"

" Good" 

" At least ….not like that. What do you take me for , ha? And don´t you think I didn´t see the looks on all your faces! Is there anything in this ´verse that you don´t think me capable of?

In fact I think that whatever is going on between me and her is no business of yours…..not the doctors, not yours…."

" Jayne…" Mal hissed dangerously

 " She´s just a girl who doesn´t know what she is doing! You better tell me that you did not lay a hand on her.."

Jayne shot him a defiant look. This was not gonna go down well.

" Give it a ruddin´rest Mal! I never touched her in any way that was .." he stopped to rephrase.

 " Well I guess I did  but not in that way……well, maybe a little.." he fell silent, remembering how it had felt to kiss her, feel her breath on his throat,  her fingers roaming over his back.

" Alright ..that´s enough!" 

Mal said angrily and Jayne snapped out of his reverie. 

He held up his hands in a gesture of resignation. 

" You don´t understand!" he yelled.

" Oh….. then by all means Jayne, enlighten me , cause this is something I would really like to understand!" Mal yelled back.

" Wish I could, but most of the ruddin´time I don´t get it myself!" Jayne confessed a little calmer.

 This was just great! It wasn´t enough that he had to come to terms with his feelings for her, now it seemed that he even needed to discuss at least a part of that with Mal!

  "About two weeks ago I was working out in the cargo- bay when she showed up, said she could not sleep. She started talking to me and I tried to ignore her but ….she managed to draw me into this weird conversation." 

Mal still looked at him, he was not quite sure if Jayne was dishing up some idiotic lie or the truth. But the concern he had seen on his face when River had collapsed  seemed genuine, it was still there for all he knew.  And no matter how immoral the mercenary could be, Mal was more than sure that he was not that  bad a  man. If he were, he would not keep him on the crew…

"Remember when she talked to the cows and how you said that what she said made perfect sense to you?"

Mal nodded hesitantly, not sure where this was going.

" That´s how it was ….sometimes she sais that she just cannot make the ruddin ´ words come out right, but if you listen ….you get what…… her meaning. Next thing I know she comes to my bunk, sais that whatever it is that makes her act strange …..it is gone when she is near me." 

He shook his head again, looking at Mal with a very serious expression.

 " She can be a completely different person Mal! From then on,  there was not a gorram thing I could do! She just kept seeking me out ….and …she may be weird but she ruddin´well knows how my mind works!"

 He grinned almost against his will. 

" There was not a thing you could do? " Mal asked, still angry

 " We are talking about a crazy girl here, Jayne! What are you, twelve?"

" What do you suppose I should have done?" Jayne growled.

 Before long he would have to admit that he liked her and enjoyed being with her …..he was still worried about her. This was so not good! 

" Well, sent her back to her brother for one?"

Jayne snorted. If the situation were not so tense he would have laughed out loud.

" Oh …you don´t think I tried that? Have you ever tried to reason with her, Mal? `Cos I´d sure as hell like to see that! That ruddin´girl knows what she wants and she does not take no for an answer! You cannot win with her, she has a ruddin´answer to everything!"

Mal furrowed his brow. 

He didn´t know if he like what he saw in Jayne´s face, but it irritated him a lot. There was more than simple explaning going on here.

 The way Jayne talked about River was …..unlikely for him.

 Mal wasn´t quite sure, but a part of him was willing to bet Serenity that there was true affection and some kind of grim pride in his voice, when  he talked about River.

" Her brother thinks you took advantage of her……"

This time Jayne couldn´t keep from laughing.He threw his hands up and turned around. 

" Mal, I think the good doctor better get comfortable with the thought that his sister is not the little girl he sees everytime he looks at her. She shoots people, she knows things nobody should know, she can put Vera back together in less than ten gorram seconds. Believe me, River will do whatever she wants. I should know!" 

He sat down on his bed, looking Mal in the eye.

" I don´t know what the hell these government creeps did to her at that place, but from what I can guess after the little tour she gave me through her mind……it had at least to some extent to do with mind control.  The girl doesn´t like to be controlled……..they must´ve messed with her head pretty bad and now everything that reminds her of that…..she´ll not take it.

River may be a little crazy, but I know now that the ruddin ´ girl is not insane. Except for the fact that she keeps that keen interest in me …." 

Mal laughed almost against his own will. 

" I know it´s hard to believe ….can´t believe it myself most of the ruddin´time, but she sought me out. I told her to get the hell out of my bunk, every ruddin´time I turn around …there she is!"

Mal looked at him seriously. This was new…..and very unsettling. Jayne actually tried to convey something to him, not quite sure how to put it in words and Mal wasn´t sure if he could keep on open mind about it. 

Jayne let his head fall into his hands. This thing between him and her …whatever it was, it had started to affect him. And now this feeling was turning him inside out and he did not know how to deal with it. 

" You are not weak!" she had said so determindly …..why did he feel so frustrated then?

Gorrammit! He wanted to hit something, kill something ……

" I don´t know." 

He finally admitted without looking at the captain, who was leaning against the wall opposite to him. He could feel Mal`s stare, but he did not look up.

" It´s all her , Mal…..that gorram girl did something to me. I don´t know what……She makes me feel all kinds of weird and now everytime I see her I ……I can´t not feel …something.

When she looks at me with those ruddin´ knowing eyes of hers and she smiles …..something inside of me just….melts." 

Mal could feel his brow creasing up as he listened. He had never heard Jayne talk in such manner and it unsettled him beyond compare. He almost found himself wishing he could start a fight. 

" Do you even have the slightest idea what that sounds like Jayne?" Mal said calmly after a little while, raising his eyebrows. He was still not completely sure what to make of all this.

Jayne shot him a withering glance as he stood up, baring his teeth in an unhappy grimace.

He felt really embarrassed now, things had slipped out and now he could never take them back. But what was the alternative? He couldn´t go around with all the others thinking he was a disgusting pervert! 

" Yeah, I ruddin well know, so don´t say it! `Kay?" he growled, meeting Mal´s eyes.

 The two men stared at each other for a moment, until Mal  came to a decision.

" Okay…" 

" So you believe me?"

Mal scratched his chin.

" I honestly don´t know what to think about this. First you try to rat her out, than you compete with her in reassembling our entire weaponery….I have to talk to River ….if I can make sense of what she is saying, but …." He hesitated " ….I believe that you wouldn´t try to hurt her….anymore" 

Jayne nodded. That was good enough for him, as long as …

" Can I see her…?" 

" I think you might have to take that up with our doctor."

Simon was nowhere to be seen when Jayne entered sickbay, but Kaylee stood over an unconscious River, smoothing back her hair.

She looked up as he walked in, the expression on her face torn between confusion and grief.

" Oh Jayne…" she muttered, " What have you done this time?"

On a different occasion her words might have set off an explosion, but to his own amazement Jayne did not feel like yelling anymore. He was tired of defending himself, he hadn´t done anything ….and he never felt good about yelling at Kaylee anyway. 

None of this was her fault.

" Give it a rest, will ya´.." 

Kaylee wrinkled up her nose in confusion. 

" Did Mal …?" 

" We talked…..where is Simon?"

Now that was strange, Kaylee thought. That must have been a very interesting conversation indeed if it led the Captain to allow Jayne out of his bunk…..which inevitably led her to the conclusion that, whatever Jayne had told Mal must have been pretty convincing. And it also ment that Mal had to believe that, whatever business it was that Jayne had with River, it had not led to her current state. 

Kaylee was not quite sure what to think of this new development. She had her very own ideas about what she had seen in the cargo-bay and she was not sure how she felt about that either…..but if Mal believed Jayne that was good enough for her. She had faith in Mal and had never  doubted his decisions. She was not gonna start  now.

" Oh ..Simon, he  went to fetch something…"

Now Simon was not going to like this. Kaylee knew what Simon thought about all this. Still, no matter how much she liked the young doctor, she could not quite bring herself to side with him……now there were a lot of things that she would not put past Jayne, but ……the way he had put his arms around River had not looked like a violation to her. 

Finding Jayne here in sickbay, realising that Mal must have, at least for the time being, decided that the mercenary had not comitted any crime, would upset him beyond compare.

" Why don´t ya go get him…." Jayne said slowly.

" `Kay.." Kaylee said with one last look at Jayne´s reserved facial-expression.  

For what must be the hundreth time in the past few days Jayne realized that what he was doing was not like him at all. Him, standing there, staring down at her dainty form, moving the back of his hand over her smooth cheek. She was so fragile and yet so incredibly strong and filled with determination. Once that ruddin´girl put her mind to something, she would stubbornly pursue it….and for some insane, inexplainable reason she had set her mind on him.

And now she was gone…..lost in her own mind, nothing for him to do except stand on the gorram sideline and wait…..and Jayne hated every second! 

He had never been the patient kind. He had never been much into self- restraint and waiting was something he just couldn´t do. He was not used to being helpless! 

Jayne Cobb`s solution to every problem was very direct and usually involved – at least to some extent- physical violence.

When he needed to come to terms with something he usually worked out to clear his head. In a conflict he never hesitated. 

Before he had met River he had seldomly doubted himself or his actions, much less felt regret for things he had done…..until now, until River.

That gorram´crazy girl! There was something she had seen in him. Somehow that tiny slip of a girl had brought out another side of him, a better side. The way she looked at him with those deep, dark eyes had filled him with the desire to be a better man, if he was ready to admit that already or not….

And now …..he could lose this, he realised. 

Whatever this strange connection between them might turn out to be, he would be damned before he would give it up without a fight. One ruddin´hell of a fight he could put up……but so could she, he knew that from what little experience he had in dealing with River. 

Jayne smiled grimly.

This girl vexed him like nobody could, she might even drive him a little crazy , but gorramit…..he liked the way she made him feel! 

Gingerly Jayne took her cold hand in his, giving her slender fingers a gentle squeeze. 

Hell….for once in his life he wished he knew the right words. He was not good with sentiment, but then again …she knew that too.

So he just held her hand in both of his.

" Gorramit River!" he said in a very low tone of voice " You better get back here ruddin´soon, or there will be hell to pay, I promise you!" 

He realised himself how harsh his whispered words sounded, but he didn´t know how to better express his feelings…..and she knew him, she´d understand. 

" Come back to me." He thought.

" Don´t you touch her, you …" Simon franticly searched his mind, but he just couldn´t find the right words to describe what he thought about Jayne. He could not believe that the captain would let him get away with …..he was not entirely sure what that man-ape had done to his sister.

Gorrammit, now Jayne really had enough…..this had been a very bad day and he had never been a very patient man. It was a miracle that it had lasted him so long, that ruddin´girl must be wearin´off on him!

He gave the doctor a good shove and turned around to face him. 

" Stop it!" he told Simon dismissively.

" All of this …..this is not about wether you like me or not, this is about her! She is fighting some kind of battle in her mind, it takes so much out of her! Gorrammit, you are her brother…..her doctor, you should see it! But you are too busy…trying so hard to fix her! It´s like you don´t even see that even though she acts all crazy and confused all the time, there is still a girl inside of her."

Simon felt his hands turn into fists so tight that his knuckles became white. He put the  additional blanket he had brought for River down. 

" What do you know…" he spat out, glaring at Jayne.

" She is not just your ruddin´patient or your sister!" Jayne shot back angrily 

" That much I know! She is a girl who wants things…there are things she needs despite her condition and believe me ……your sister is quite articulate when it comes to conveying that!

I know you want what´s  best for her. You want your sister back the way she was, now that I can understand but …..gorramit! Sometimes you need to look beyond all that, y´know."

" She is sick, I ´am trying to help her !" 

" She may be sick , but that does not mean that she does not know…….hell, that girl knows what she wants! Made that clear to me in no uncertain terms! You can´t always protect her from what you think she needs protecting from. What she thinks she needs, River´ll go and get it , one ruddin´way or the other!"

Simon walked over to one of the compartments where he stored the medical supplies. He had to put some distance between himself and the mercenary or the urge to just take a swing Jayne would overwhelm him. Simon was still furious, but he had enough common sense to know that he was no match for Jayne.

" And you think you are something my sister would need .." he asked icily.

" Didn´t say that."

" But you implied it …..apparently the thought must have crossed your mind."

Jayne squinted at the young doctor, shaking his head. They were siblings alright….Simon Tam was about as stubborn and vexing as his sister could be.

" No…." he slowly answered, trying to remain calm. At this point Jayne felt that he didn´t really owe Simon any explanation. Bad enough that he had to reveal some part of his troubled feelings to Mal earlier! Getting touchy-feely with River´s pompous ass of a brother did not rank very highly on his agenda…..but still …..Jayne needed to say something or there would be more trouble for him…… until River gained consciousness.

" Actually I´m still ruddin´far away from thinking that I could be anything that your sister might need." He growled.

" But for some reason she seems to have other ideas. S´not like I haven´t tried to push her away at first, but she can be very persistent. Maybe you should get used to the idea that , no matter what you do, your sister will never be the sweet little girl again, that your family sent off to that…. place."

Jayne leaned across the gurney to look into Simons eyes. The doctor returned the scrutinizing look, unflinching.

" She has been through a lot, seen things…..even if you manage to find a ruddin´cure, that ordeal will have left a mark."

Simon still stared at Jayne as if he were pondering the things that had been said.

" Is psychology part of your mercenary skills now?" he finally said.

Jayne ground his teeth, stealing a glance at River…..the same faint lavenderscent that still lingered on his pillow…..

" Doesn´t change a thing." Jayne returned, slowly taking a step backwards. 

" I know you love your sister. You gave up a perfectly comfortable life to save her…..but you need to stop seing her as broken. The gorram´girl has so much strength in her ….whatever they did to her at that ruddin´place, they couldn´t break her. She´s not broken, she´ll find her way…" 

" How would you know?" Simon asked dangerously calm, staring daggers at Jayne. How dare that ….. how dare he talk about his sister as though he knew her. River would never socialise with a man like that …..

" Obviously I know a side of your stubborn sister that you haven´t encountered yet."

" Well, she can´t tell us, can she?" Simon yelled angrily " ….And even if she were conscious, most of the time she does not make sense! How very convenient for you!"

" Now listen up, doc." Jayne hissed warningly, looking straight into Simons eyes." I may be a lot of things. I may be a self-serving bastard with a lack of manners and conscience, but I don´t molest women. I don´t rape …..and I sure as hell never touched your sister in any way that she would have considered unseemly. I  ruddin´well know that you and most of the crew think that she is in no condition to decide that sort of thing, but I did not take advantage of River nor did I abuse her in any way. I wouldn´t hurt her…..not anymore."

" And you just expect me to take your word for this?" 

" Now might be a good time to interfere, captain.." Zoe whispered, giving Mal a questioning look. She was not entirely sure why they were secretly watching Jayne and the doctor, but she was sure that Mal had his reasons. That of course did not mean that Zoe understood his reasoning.

" No." Mal whispered back from the tiny alcove the two of them were squeezed into in order to better spy on the events in sickbay. " I wanna see how this plays out…"

" It might play out in one of them punching the other." The tall woman informed him with a cocked eyebrow. " Now why did you let Jayne out of his bunk again?"

" He didn´t do anything." 

Zoe gave a dismisse snort. 

" Didn´t look like nothing to me!"

" Yeah, but she ran towards him …..that made me think, you know. There is something going on here that we are missing and until I know what that is, we´ll have to keep watching."

" Innocent till proven guilty?" she asked.

" I know it´s a frightening thought Zoe, but this one time I think that Jayne might indeed be innocent!" 

Zoe furrowed her brow.

" Maybe he was brainwashed…" 

In the darkness of the alcove she could see the captain shooting her a mocking look.

" Well …he was holding her hand just then …that is strange, right? And so far he hasn´t killed Simon, not even tried to hurt him! And I don´t think I have ever heard Jayne utter so many words in such a short time…."

" See ….strange things are happening, that´s why we need to find out what exactly is going on!"

They both turned their heads towards the sickbay again, as they heard some kind of commotion. Both Jayne and Simon had jumped back from the gurney. 

With a violent gaspRiver regained consciousness. 


	9. Fathom

DISCLAIMER: I don´t own anything besides my laptop, please don´t sue me for loving this show and trying desperatly to keep it alive until some other station picks it up and it´s released on DVD!!

It all belongs to Fox and Mutant Enemy

Notes: I try my best to keep up with the story-line that is rapidly developing in me head…..please bear with me. I just hope that somebody enjoys reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!! 

Pleae let me know if you like it and/or have any suggestions!! 

FATHOM

Bright lights .......too bright! 

River screwed her eyes shut , breathing heavily. She was awake , something had woken her up. Voices fighting, whispering in corners …eyes watching. 

She fought against the nausea and the confusion as she struggled to lift herself up from the gurney, but she couldn´t …..something was still holding her down.

" Mei- Mei …" Simon was at her side in an instant. " Please, lie still …it´s ok!"

River opened her eyes slowly to not be blinded by the harsh lights again, looking around until her eyes found Jayne. He still stood a few feet away from the gurney staring at her, unsure what to do. She was awake, that had to be a good sign apart from  that he was at a loss…

He could see the short assessing look Simon shot him, before the young doctor´s focus returned to his sister.

River shook her head. " No ….No …..not okay. Take them off …..." 

Her throat and mouth were completely dry. Even in her own ears her voice sounded feeble and raw, as though she had only just learned to speak. Her vision was still blurry…..the cold fist of fear that she had felt in the cargo-bay was still there, squeezing her heart…..and then she remembered. River had to bite her tongue, it was all she could do to keep from crying out loud. She remembered the desert, the dark place …..the thing that talked with her voice, the thing inside her, all the things she had  seen …

" Take them off!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, struggling against the restraints.

" River …you need to calm down!" Simon said softly next to her.

Her eyes went back to Jayne who finally stepped up to the gurney, searching her face. He was not sure what state she was in. Did she know what had happened, did she remember ?  

" River…?" 

" I can´t ….can´t…. please! Take them off me !" River screamed again, staring at him, her eyes ablaze with defiance and something that he could not quite put his finger on. He could tell something was wrong though, something apart from the obvious …..she looked like a trapped animal ready to gnaw of it´s own leg to escape the trap. 

Jayne stared down at her, feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation. Had she heard all the things that had been said? Part of him wished that she had, the other felt completely embarrassed. He did not show his feelings like that, he did not open up to anyone …..that was what kept him sane…..

Her eyes bore into him with an intensity he remembered from his dream.

" Please…" 

He nodded.

" Take them off!" he told Simon.

" Have you completely lost your mind?" Simon countered angrily, his eyes wandering between Jayne and his sister. " Don´t you see the state she is in ? This agitation could trigger another seizure ….she could hurt herself."

" From what I can see it´s the restraints that keep her agitated!" Jayne shot back.

Simon looked at his sister ´s face again. It was a mask of fear and confusion, it was enough to make his heart break.

" You think I enjoy this? Seeing her like this? I have her best interest in mind …."

" Take them off doctor." 

Both men turned at the sound of Mal´s voice from the doorway. 

" But captain …"

" I said take them off!" he repeated calmly. Behind him Zoe entered the lab. 

Simon shook his head in anger, but moved to losen the restraints that kept River on the gurney.

River tried to control her breathing….finally able to move her hands she lifted them to her head. She looked around, slowly sitting up. 

" There are a few things we need to talk about River…" Mal told her slowly.

She looked at him with a puzzled expression, not quite sure if she understood. 

Her feelings were still in disarray, as were her thoughts. So much to tell, so much to consider…there was something she needed to tell them desperately….but she was not sure how to put the things she had seen into words.

River bit her lip, breathing deeply. Without a word she reached out her right hand in Jayne´s direction touching his arm. She could feel the tenseness of his body…..he was completely uncomfortable with all of this. She had put him on the spot and he did not like it one bit. 

" I´m sorry …. So sorry "  she whispered hoarsely " I made a mess…..messed up everything. And now the storm is coming and I ….." 

Jayne was ready to bolt right then and there, but she had done it once again, enchanted him in some way he could not explain. She looked so vulnerable and so determined at the same time …..and they had come this far….. 

He was not going to give up on it now, he decided against his own better judgement. 

Like you could , a voice inside of him taunted. 

" S´okay, sparrow.." He told her, tugging a strand of her behind her ear carefully at the same time avoiding to look in Zoe and Mal´s direction. He knew where Mal stood now, he was not to sure about Zoe.

Mal could see full well that Jayne was not very comfortable with showing his affection for River with all of them looking on, but the fact that he tried to comfort her anyway, arkward as it might seem, told him an awful lot.

Even the doctor had to see it. 

Mal shot Zoe a look that she returned, still in awe. There was Jayne Cobb in what could only be called a public display of affection towards the doctors crazy sister!  It seemed as though they might  all have  misjudged the situation ….

And the fact that Jayne even had a pet name for River……well, the ill-tempered mercenary was never going to live that one down. Once Zoe told Wash……Mal could see all the joking from a thousand miles away.

River gave Jayne the faintest smile. Then she remembered the things she had seen and her face fell. 

" They are coming." She whispered, lying back onto the gurney. The nausea became unbearable. She felt her brother and Jayne in close proximity as she closed her eyes again, breathing heavily.

No, no, no …she thought in panic. She could not let the other thing take over. She wanted to be here……but it was not the thing inside of her that made her so sick this time. She could feel it……it was the drugs, the sedative Simon had given her.

" Who, Mei-Mei…. What do you mean?"

Simon put a hand on her forehead, checking for a fever.

River opened her eyes again to see that Zoe and Mal had stepped up to the gurney as well.

" The monsters…….they are coming, coming for us!"

Mal cocked an eyebrow at Jayne, who just shook his head to signal that he didn´t know what she was talking about this time. 

Mal didn´t like it, he had heard River say a lot of strange things. But this time it gave him a creepy feeling he couldn´t shake off.

" Shh ..River, it´s ok! They can´t hurt you now. You are safe now, don´t you remember?" Although Simon spoke in a very soft, appeasing tone, his eyes were directed at Mal and spoke another language. He had known nothing good was going to come of this. Now his sister was regressing again!

" It´s just nightmares!" 

River felt like screaming, but she felt so sick. She swallowed hard, looking up at Jayne. The concern and confusion in his face made her shake her head.

She needed to make him see…he had understood before. They had to know or it would be too late.

" No!" she said  " No….they are real! Not them from the closet, not the wild things that roam in dreams! The ones that hunt you in the big black where there is no sound…..where not a man can hear you scream! They have picked up our scent, like sharks they are….not human, not for a very long time."

Mal´s eyebrows knitted together. Jayne had been right….if you listened to what she was saying, the things she uttered could make sense! And right now, Mal did not like what she was saying! This was not just the mumbling of a crazy girl and he wanted to kick himself for not noticing that before….

" They lost their souls. They love to prey on whoever comes their way and they will hunt us down….lost our scent for a while, but now they are back on track…..like sharks in deep, dark water."

Zoe noticed that the captain started to look worried. 

" River.." he said softly, waiting until she looked at him. " Who is following us?

River looked from him to Jayne, reaching out until he took her hand without a word.

Her eyes focused on Mal again .He could see her struggling for words.

" The monsters, men like beasts….they are hungry. Evil ……evil always survives. It does not breathe, it does not sleep, but it has intent. It travels through the dark waiting for prey …..like the monsters."

Mal nodded slowly, returning her stare. 

" Reavers" he finally said slowly. " She´s talking about Reavers!"

Zoe  shot Jayne a look that was amazed as well as filled with worry. Jayne looked down at River, who was squeezing his hand. Her breathing had grown laboured again, she felt as though a mountain had collapsed and the debris was pressing down on her chest.

" Get her off the drugs ,now!" Mal told Simon

" But she .."

" She knows things we need to know! She has to tell us, so get her off the gorram drugs!" Mal repeated menacingly. 

" Reavers…" Zoe breathed, her eyes fixed on Mal. " Oh my god!" 


	10. The Enemy within

DISCLAIMER: I don´t own Serenity or her characters, the belong to Fox and Joss Whedon. I just borrow them to play….

Notes: I really don´t know if anybody is still reading this. I know the Jayne/River scenes have been a little scarce lately, but that will change next chapter I promise. 

The Enemy Within

Mal sat down on one of the few chairs the sick-bay contained and stared at River.

Simon looked from his sister to the captain, feeling his irritation grow stronger with every passing second.

" I can´t just take her off the drugs, she could have another seizure or worse. Who knows what might happen!" 

Mal didn´t look up to him, his eyes where still focused on the girl. Zoe could see his mind working, though she was not quite sure what exactly Mal was trying to work out for himself. For her , the revelation that somewhere out there a spaceship full of Reavers was following them was bad enough. And one quick look at Jayne´s menacing expression told her that they were on the same page.

" What´s going on?" 

Zoe turned to find the rest of the crew standing in the doorway, it didn´t take much to figure out that all the yelling must have drawn them here.

" Sir?" She asked Mal softly, not sure how to pursue this …..whatever it was. 

Mal didn´t react. He was chewing on his bottom lip, absent mindedly shaking his head. It had taken him a while to figure everything about that girl out, but slowly everything was coming together now. He had not been entirely sure before…all the displays of River´s abilities had kept him wondering, but by now he was absolutely positive that his assessment had been right. River´s foresight, her accuracy with guns, the things he had seen her do when that bounty-hunter had come for her……he had heard rumors during the war, but that was a long time ago and Mal had to admit that he had never payed them much attention. Until now…..

" How long till the effect of the drugs wear of?" he asked solemly, fully aware that all eyes were on him. 

Simon pursed his lips in defiance.

" I can´t tell exaclty , it´s hard to tell…..a few hours, I guess!"

Mal nodded. He slowly got up from the chair, turning towards one of the medical trays. 

" I´m afraid  we can´t wait that long doctor, I´m sorry." 

Before anyone could react, Mal grabbed a scalpel of the tray and hurled it at Simon. He could hear the surprised gasps of his crew and Inara´s terrified " Mal!", but it all happened so fast…

River moved in a blur, letting go of Jayne´s hand as she was jumping up, catching the scalpel in mid-air mere inches from her brother´s shocked face.

The room fell silent, everybody stared at her. She stood in front of her brother as though she planned to shield him with her body, a steely expression on her face. She breathed hard, giving Mal an assessing look. 

" That´s what I thought!" he said calmly, returning her gaze. It was obvious to him, that she didn´t know what she had just done from the way her eyes went to the surgical instrument in her hand. She was not aware of her actions.

" Autopilot." Jayne uttered into the silence. All eyes turned on him, still in shock. 

" What did you say?" Book asked, his voice a little shaky.

" Autopilot, that´s what she calls it. Told me that´s what it was like when she cut me and shot Niska´s men, like she was on autopilot."

" Have you completely lost your mind ?" Simon yelled at the captain, suddely realizing what happened. " You could have killed me!"

" Small chance." Mal returned, his eyes still on River. With a sharp metallic noise, the scalpel hit the ground. Struggling for breath River stared at her hand, her whole body started to tremble violently. The thing inside her was raging, trying to wriggle free from River´s grasp, now that she had lost control over her impulses.

It wanted to take over, it had found the loophole and now it fought to get to the surface.

No…..River thought. No…..there was only one way to stop it. She looked up to her brother, than her eyes searched Jayne´s , her face a mask of terror and despair …..

She would loose this fight, only one way to play this …

" Only one way…" she whispered. Than she took all the strength she had left and faced the raging thing inside of her ……and just shut down. It was as though somebody had switched off the lights, her eyes rolled back and she sank to the floor like a puppet whose strings had been cut. This time Jayne was there to catch her before she hit the floor.

" Oh my god….." Kaylee whispered and the whole rooom erupted in noise…..

I´m sorry had already been said. 

Now, there was just the three of them left in sickbay. Mal, Simon  and Jayne, all three of them standing around her bed. 

At Mal´s command Zoe had herded the others back into the mass,  where they were waiting for Mal…..and an explanation. They sure had a right to it, Mal saw that …..he was just not quite sure what he should tell them. There were too many things occupying his mind right now, including the expression on Inara ´s face right before she had turned to leave ….but he could not ponder on this now. There were more pressing matters at hand.

" I still don´t understand…" Simon whispered. " You knew a place like that existed, you knew what they might have done to her…."

 Mal shook his head, ignoring the grim expression on Jayne´s face.

" No , I did not know. I didn´t remember either. A rumor going around during the war, s´all it was to me. We never believed it, figured it might just be psychlogical warfare or such …..never suspected your sister might have anything to do with it."

"  Rumor?" Jayne growled. " So you really know nuthin´?"

" Never got much intel on that, just rumors as I said……I didn´t pay much attention to it. All pretty vague as far as I remember…but now that I´ve seen and heard about some of the things she can do….might be more to that rumor than I thought!"

Simon still shook his head.

" So you think that academy was just ……some place they used to drill and brainwash my sister to turn her …into what exactly?"

" Don´t know what it was they done to her, Jayne seems to have the insight on that one since your sister showed him. But …"

Simon shot Jayne an embarrassed look He still could not believe that River would have anything to do with a man like that. He was a brute ….no manners, no education to speak of, why would his sister relate to him? Why would she share her secrets with such a man, why not with him?

They all stared at her again. She lay on the bed, completely still. Her breathing was calm and even, but apart from that she had not moved for hours. Her eyes were open, staring at the ceiling but not really seeing anything. From Simon´s assessment she was in a state of catatonia. He could not tell how long it was going to last……if she would ever recover from it.

His worst fear was that there was some kind of neurological damage causing her condition, but Serenity was not equipped for medical tests of those proportion. He didn´t even want to consider the possibility that her current state had psychological reasons.

" So …..what do you think they tried to do with her …..what have they done to her?"

Jayne winced at the unwelcome memory of the pain she had shared with him. Without noticing he balled his hands into fists when the image of her screaming in that weird looking chair, needles sticking out of her head, flashed through his mind.

He had been silent for quite a while, listening, letting Mal do the taliking. There was nothing he could say anyway…..but seeing her like this, remembering what she had been like when they had been alone. It all came back, images like an avalanche….her laughter, her mischievious smile, that ruddin´ lavender scent that unnerved him as much as it drew him in, her lips on his face, her slender body pressed up against him ……it tore him up inside.She was still there, in his mind, in his head. 

" You´d better ask what they tried to make of her…..make her do, turn her into. When she talked about it ……it sounded like they tried to take her apart, her mind …" Jayne told the doctor roughly, but his eyes fixed on the captain.

Mal nodded in silent agreement, they had both come to the same concusion.

" The knife, the shooting, the guns, …….her perception." Mal explained carefully, looking straight at Simon.

" She´s a killer, doctor." 

" What? Are you insane …River could never.."

" But she ruddin´well has!" Jayne interrupted dismissively " She shot three men without even looking their way, tricked an experienced bounty hunter and caught me by surprise with a gorram kitchen knife! Face it doctor, I´ve seen your sister assemble my best rifle in a matter of seconds and she doesn´t even know how she does it!"

" But how …why? Why River?"

" Said it yourself doctor…" Mal answered " Your sister is a genius, really smart and most likely some kind of psychic too ….they got themselves a reader and tried to turn her into…"

" The perfect assassin." Jayne finished grimly.

" But I got her out of that place ….." Simon yelled, his eyes wandering between the captain and the merc.

" That you did …..and from what I can see just in time."

Jayne shook his head, his fingers touching her hand for a second.

" Whatever it was, she does not remember most of it ……she´s fighting it with all she has. She said she´d rather die than …they could not break her Mal."

" Maybe that´s what´s causing this…"

" I think she did that herself, doctor." Mal said after thinking about it for a while. " Did you see her eyes? She was on he brink of losing it and so she just …."

Jayne looked at River´s pale face, nodding slowly. Mal could be right. 

" Sounds like something she could do …….she constantly fought for control, she´d never just give it up without putting up one hell of a fight." 

If the situation had been different Mal might have grinned at the way Jayne talked about River. He himself did not seem to notice, but Mal could hear that grim pride in his voice again. 

" So what do we do ….?" Simon asked confused, taking his sisters hand. 

" We wait, hope she wakes up, since you said there is nothing you can do to get her back…..we need her to explain about the Reavers. Meanwhile I will have Wash scan every bit of space in our trejectory, so far he has come up with nothing …and  I may have to talk to the others. Seems as though I´m not done explainin´myself today. You two stay here in case she wakes up." 

 She was swimming, floating. It had been so long since she had had a real bath, anything like this. She had almost forgotten how good it felt. She was on her back, with clear , sivery water enveloping her….just floating in the warm liquid.

Peaceful. Safe. Far away from the noise and the pain, all the grief she had caused and all her guilt….

I must look like that painting of Ophelia, she thought, the one Mum and Dad showed me in the museum once ….Ophelia, her hair and clothing fanning out all around her……slowly drowning in the stream..

River closed her eyes. The water as clear and warm, no sharks here…..she smiled.

" Get up!" she heard someone say furiously.

Her eyes snapped open.

There  on the edge of the beautiful, calm lake, crouching on a rock near the shore, sat the other thing……the creature from the dark place.

It shimmered, for a moment it looked like her, then it turned into a black, shiny insect-like creature. 

" Took you long enough to show your real face!" River spat out, closing her eyes again. 

" You give me form, just like this place.." it returned " You have to stop this nonsense and wake up! You have to wake up now!"

River lifted her head. It talked with her voice again! 

" I don´t want to!" she said sulkily.

" You have to get up and you have to wake up now…..we need to get out of here!" she heard her own voice say angrily.

" Oh …." River taunted, staring back at it with a malicious smile. " Us …is it now? Since when? There is no us, there will never be …they put you into my mind! Created you with their experiments and tests, the men with their blue hands and black hearts …..You are no part of me! You are not a part of my mind, you´re an intruder, an invader. You were not here before! They brought you here, they made you!"

" Even so …..I´m here now." The thing stated.

River shook her head.

" That my be so, but it doesn´t mean I have to do what you say!"

The black thing bared it´s teeth at her, hissing warningly.

" If you don´t wake up we will both die!"

River shook her head again, very slowly.She did not want to leave and she had enough of the lies.

" You want to kill me anyway, it´s the only way to make this work for you. Kill the part of me you cannot touch, cannot control….burn the place inside of me where you cannot go, so you can take over for good. Because you cannot exist alone….you are not real. You are artificial, so in order to exist you need this body, you can´t function on your own. It took me some time to figure it out, but now I see clearly……the voices, the screaming in my mind, it´s all you! You made me do things, made me crazy …..if I die, so do you!"

" That works both ways…" the thing looked at her cunningly with dark, shark like eyes. Their obsidian blackness neither giving nor receiving light. It changed into her and back into it´s insect- like form.

" If we die, so does everybody on this ship! And you don´t want that!"

River breathed deep, watching the thing like a predator would it´s prey. She had to find it´s weakness, there had to be something…..she could not keep going on with a traitor inside her head. 

" What do you want?" She finally asked coldly, treading the warm water.

" A truce….if you die, I die. So we have to work together on this…for the time being.we need to survive."

" And when we are done?"

" Then we will see who gets to stay …."

River thought about it for a moment, but there was no other option left to her. Slowly she swam towards the rock, glaring at the source of all her grief.

" Fine….you want to live? I have two conditions! First, you don´t try to take over anymore. You help me but you will let me do things my way! Second…if you try to betray me or hurt anybody on Serenity …I will kill us, understand?"

The black thing smiled, baring it´s pointed teeth at her dangerously. It gracefully extended what River took to be an equivalent of a hand to her. 

" Deal, but we have to wake up now."

River grabbed the thing firmly and pulled it towards her to look into it´s cold, dead eyes.

" Good…" she whispered  " everything else we´ll do after this is over."

The thing nodded, giving her a cunning look.

" What will we do then …..Sister?"

River seized her oponend up, contemplatting her answer carefully.

" Then ….when the Reavers are dead and all the blood has been spilled…..I will kill you." River answered, her voice filled with anger.

The thing chortled.

" Oh, but  can´t  you remember? Kill me …..kill yourself!"

River slowly emerged from the water, when she had reached the shore she looked back over her shoulder. 

" No……I did not mean out there…" she explained with a very calm, icy tone of voice " I ment in here" She gingerly touched her forehead, holding her enemy´s stare for a beat to make sure the thing understood.


	11. Thruth be told

Disclaimer : Serenity and her crew? Not mine! Never were, never will be …….

NOTES: So here goes another chapter , more River/ Jayne as I promised . As well as some things that needed to be said!!

TRUTH  BE TOLD

There was no gasping this time, no violent struggle for breath……..River just opened her eyes, blinking a few times to get accustomed to the harsh lighting.

Turning her head very slowly she could see Jayne, his back turned to her, his hands raking through his short hair. Her brother was also there, slumped on one of the chairs where sleep had finally overwhelmed him.

Quietly she sat up, waiting but the nausea did not come. No feeling of sickness, no vertigo, no screaming voices…….

River bit her lip to keep from crying. For the first time in a very long while she was completely clear and together, there was no struggle, no focus needed…….it was not entirely real, she knew that. The other thing was still there, in her mind …watching, moving behind her eyes. It was a truce, not winning the battle, but for now it would suffice…..it had to be enough. It had to be!

For a second she closed her eyes to revel in the almost forgotten feeling of clarity. No more fog, no storm raging inside of her, her mind and feelings were calm like the silvery lake she had been floating in just moments ago.

Carefully she swung her legs over the side of the gurney, wincing from the pain her cramped muscles caused her.

Jayne whirled around as if to face an enemy. She knew it was out of sheer reflex, years in the line of his profession  would trigger this reaction in most mercenaries, most likely even Zoe and Mal…….it made her giggle a bit.

He relaxed  as his eyes met hers, staring at her in amazement.

" River?" he whispered. It had been so long since he had gotten an hour of sleep that Jayne didn't trust his eyes anymore. He was not sure if he really saw her or…

" I'm  fine !" she said softly " It´s ok!"

He shook his head, approaching her slowly.

After all that´s been said about her and that ruddin academy place, Jayne had to admit that her sudden recovery made him a bit weary.

River read his thoughts as though they were an open book. She creased up her nose and laughed out loud. She could see Jayne´s eyes narrowing at her behaviour and laughed even louder.

" What´s so ruddin´funny?" 

" You…." She answered simply, smiling at him like a contented cat.

" Jayne…it´s me, really!"

He nodded, impulsively rushing forward to pull her into a tight embrace.

" Gorrammit girl, don´t you ever pull a stunt like this again….understood?" he hissed into her hair.

River nodded, breathing deep. She loved the way his arms felt around her, so hard and strong.

" Or there´ll be hell to pay, I presume?" she said  with a smirk. 

Jayne stepped back a little, his hands on both sides of her face to look her in the eyes. 

" Heard´ that, ha? Ruddin´hell…….no matter what we tell ya not to do, you never ruddin´listen, but the moment I start talking some mushy crap like a lovesick mooncalf  you perk up your ears, even if you happen to be unconscious..!"  

Jayne couldn´t help but grin, he was still embarrassed but the joy of seeing her alive and well drowned out all other feelings.

" The power of selective hearing…" River countered, grinning as well.

" Scared us all pretty good, you talking of Reavers ……you really saw that or was it just …?"

He could see from the way her face fell as he brought up the subject that it indeed had to be true.

" River.." he suddenly heard Simon´s voice, still raw from sleep, " River , oh my god….." he almost fell out of the chair in order to get to her.

Jayne´s hands fell to his sides and he stepped backwards, though his eyes were still fixed on her. She returned his intense gaze, before turning towards her brother.

" It´s ok, Simon. I´m ok!"

" Well …we´ll see about, won´t we? I have to fully evaluate your medical status!" he said earnestly, putting a hand to the pulse on her wrist.

For a moment Jayne pondered the possibility of just throwing a punch at the young doctor that would send him back to the land of dreams. Much to his own dismay he decided against it. It would only get him in trouble with Mal ….and River, who seemed to have interpreted his facial expression the right way, also mouthed an obvious " No" in his direction. 

 Now that he came to think about it, it had looked more like a " Not Now" than a simple

 " No".

As Simon started busying himself with all kinds of medical procedures, all the while asking River a whole boatload of questions which  she stoically answered with yes or no, she searched his eyes again. 

" Jayne….I think you should get the captain." River finally interrupted her brother's constant stream of questions. 

He nodded, even though he didn´t really want to go. There was something he still hadn´t figured out. She was different, that much he could tell……but he wasn´t quite sure what had changed. And right now, Jayne realised he´d be only to happy to just stare at her until he found out what it was. 

River shot him a quick smile. Reading his thoughts made her all fuzzy inside again, she could feel that warm feeling spreading through her system. In the background she could still hear the thoughts of the rest of the crew, like the rustling of leaves. Her brothers thoughts were racing through his mind, tumbling like an avalanche…..he was so relieved that she had woken up.

Jayne´s thoughts were different…..like him they were straightforward. In her mind his presence was like a big, solid rock…..

River smiled again, nodding him towards the door.

" I´ll be fine…." She mouthed. Jayne nodded again, finally turning around d to make his way into the mass.  

" Simon ..stop!" River said softly when they were alone.

" I need to ……check your vitals, everything ….maybe draw some blood I ….." He looked up from what he was doing, staring at her.

" Simon …..it´s alright. I´m alright …please stop!" She gave him an assuring smile.

" Oh God, River!" he finally whispered, drawing her into a tight embrace. 

" It´ll all be alright"

" Yes , it will be …" River closed her eyes for a second, relaxing in her brothers arms. It would be okay, no matter at what cost. She would see to it, it would all be okay.

Simon stepped back, relieved to see his sister in this clear state of mind. He hated to upset her again, but there were questions burning in his mind …….

" River…" he put his hands around her face, looking into her eyes. " ..there is something we need to talk about."

" The Reavers…" she sighed.

" No …yes, later but first there is something else. I need to know if he hurt you….made you do things ….."

River felt her forehead crease up slightly, for a moment she did not understand what her brother was talking about. 

" Who?"

" Jayne." Simon said seriously, his eyes fixed on his sister´s face.

Finally River understood.

" No!" she told him loudly, pushing him away a bit.

" No, Simon….you don´t understand! He didn´t do anything…it´s me, all me!"

Simon let his hands fall to his side. River hated the hurt look on his face. She did not want to hurt him, shatter the picture he had of her , but there was nothing she could do. 

" What do you mean it was you? It can´t be you….how could you? You don´t have the capacity, you are sick! You are in no position to decide …."

" He is part of what made me better…"

" Oh …is that what he told you?" he yelled at her.

River crossed her arms in front of her chest.

" He never told me anything except …."

" Except what?" he asked, fuming.

She looked into his eyes.

" Except that it was not right! He knew it would get him into trouble. He knew nobody would understand, that you would be like this…..he knew!" River reached out to her brother, giving him a pleading look.

" I came to him , Simon! Something about him called out to me and I tried to hold on to it, because it made me feel better, It is not his fault!"

Simon stared at his sister, completely bewildered. For the first time since he saved her from the academy she was completely clear…no stammering, no riddles, no confusion ….

" But River ….." he finally said  " …how could this happen …he is an ape!"

River laughed softly.

" He may be crude and obnoxious at times, but …he gets me. He saw something in me that no one else could ……and I understand how his mind works. He may not have our education, but he is not stupid or cruel……."

" My god River, please don´t tell me you are in love with him!"

" I don´t know…" she whispered honestly.

" How could you even consider .."

" You know better than that Simon. That´s not how things work! You don´t love someone by choice! You love them because they touch a part of you that no other could reach …."

He had intended to just tell Mal and bring him back to sickbay, but once the others heard that River was conscious and most likely in a clear state of mind, they all tagged along.

Now they all stood or sat gathered around the gurney River was sitting on.

She had been talking for about an hour. Explaining about the voices, her weird behaviour and the deal she had struck with that creature the experiments had created in her mind. She did not know how they had done it, if it had been their original purpose……she did not remember what they had done exactly ……there were still so many questions she could not answer. 

She could see in their faces that they were bewildered and amazed by her recovery, but some of them were still unsure about trusting her.

Jayne could tell that there were things she held back, he did not know how, but there were moments when you could see it in her face. 

" So …what about the Reavers?" Mal finally asked.

River looked at him, frowning.

" They are after us, you got that right…..a few days behind. They have been tracking us ever since you escaped them the first time ….they are angry.."

Mal shot Jayne an uncomfortable look. 

" So which way do we go? Wash will set a course in the opposite direction and then…."

" I´m afraid that´s not how it works captain.." River interrupted carefully.

" I can tell you a course that will put a few more days between us, but they will catch up to us eventually…."

" That´s mighty comforting!" 

" So is there….   like anything you don´t see?" Kaylee whispered spellbound by the idea of being able to look into people´s minds. 

Mal stared at her, shaking his head.

" So ….Reavers, ha?" Wash said with a look at his wife, who was gnawing her upper lip.  "That´s not good , is it? I mean that´s really, really bad, right?  Even Jayne is scared of them!"

" Am not!" Jayne spat out, even though he knew everybody could tell he was lying.

The fact that he had to stifle a giant yawn didn´t help either.

" Alright , enough of this …all of you go get some sleep, if we want to outrun them, or maybe get rid of them I need all of you to be on top of their game…so go get some sleep!"

 Mal ordered in a tone of voice that left no ground for discussion.

One by one they all left the room. Inara threw a worried look over her shoulder that Mal caught, making a mental note to drop by her shuttle later in order to talk these events over with her. As he turned around his look fell onto Jayne and Simon. 

" That goes for you too! I need both of you and you haven´t slept in a long while!"

" But Captain …." Simon argued " Someone needs to take care of her…"

" Doctor, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it seems as though your sister might be able to take care of herself. You two are no good to me if you keel over from lack of sleep, now get out! I´ll stay and have a nice chat with River!"

Jayne knew better than to argue with that. He was feeling a mighty bit tired and he knew that there were things Mal wanted to talk to River about.

" So …" Mal said as they were finally alone " Wanna tell me the truth about that deal?"

He watched River scribble a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper.

" That is the course you should set, it´ll put more distance between us and the Reaver-ship."

She explained.

" I need to know the truth you know…."

" I know…." She looked at him, sighing

 " She´ll not interfere as I told you, I can´t tell you everything now….I´m not ready yet. I will not put any of you in danger, I promise…."

He nodded. This was something he could understand, there were things he was unable to talk about too.

" I need to be sure, River. This is my ship, my crew…."

She nodded. " I understand."

" And that thing with Jayne is …"

" None of your business!" she stated with a smile.

" All you need to know is that he would never….he never did anything inappropriate to me. He did not lead me on or take advantage of me …..you have to believe me."

Mal searched her face for a while, stifling another yawn. 

He knew he needed to get some sleep himself; there were just so many things he needed to clear up …..

" We are safe for now." River told him eerily.

He wasn´t quite sure if he could trust her. His instincts told him that River did not pose a threat, it was the other thing he needed to worry about. How long would this little girl be able to keep the monster in check, which was evidently prowling through her mind? 

They needed to come up with a plan.

" You sure?" 

" I don´t know how I know these kind of things captain, I´ll not lie to you about that. There are a lot of things I seem to be able to do, and there are a lot of things I know ……I don´t know how, but  know them. Among those things is that there are no other ships around right now, no alliance, no Reavers …Serenity is safe now."

He nodded, squeezing her hand for a second.

" You may want to get some sleep to….." Mal said, sitting up. 

" You sure you are ok?"

" I haven´t been this okay in a very long time. You don´t need to worry about me." 

She told him as she hopped off the gurney, reaching for some fresh clothes Simon had left for her.

Mal watched her.

" Now where the hell do you think  you will be going ?"

" To bed, same as you…."

Mal cocked an eyebrow at her.

" Why do I get the distinctive idea that it´s not your bed you´ll be going to…?"

Jayne was not quite sure what woke him up. A sound, a peculiar feeling….he sat up, swinging his legs over the side of his bed, all the while squinting into the darkness. It might have been the sound of the hatch opening and closing. 

" Who´s there?" he called out, though a part of him already knew the answer to that question.

" It´s me …River."

" I know who me is…" Jayne growled, looking around the room for some article of clothing. He could not see her, but he was only too aware that he was only  wearing briefs and that was not a good idea with her around. Where the ruddin´ hell had he thrown his trousers?

Then she lightly stepped into his vicinity. Jayne couldn´t help gaping at her.

She looked completely different. Her hair was pulled back into one long, big braid that dangled down her back. She wore some sort of white shirt and a pair of leather trousers that hugged her slim hips. River smiled at his obvious bedazzlement.

" Why do you look like this?" Jayne asked suspiciously, his eyes wandering around his bunk. Due to the darkness he could make out only a few items around him and something told him that beyond them, there was nothing…..

" This is not my ruddin` bunk , now is it?" he breathed.

 " This is another one of those gorram dreams …"

River nodded simply. 

" You were asleep , but ….I …..I wanted to see you , I….." 

How could she make him understand? After all the things that had happened in the last 36 hours, after all the trouble she had caused him …..

" So why do you look like this ?" he asked again, not quite sure how to play this. 

He did not know how to react, how to behave. He was still embarrassed. He wanted to see her, talk to her …..but he was at a loss. Things had changed….

River took another step towards him, bridging the distance between them carefully until she stood directly in front of him and he had to look up to her.

" I wanted you to see me, the other side of me. Not just the stammering, scared girl …I wanted you to see me like this. I can be a fighter."

Jayne shook his head in amazement, cocking an eyebrow at her. He knew they should be discussing other matters…the Reavers, the Alliance, the deal she had apparently struck with the devil……but this …..

He took his time to take her all in, the new appearance which he guessed was part of the illusion in this dream….he had to admit he liked it.

" Ruddin´ hell River!" he said, laughing involuntarily. 

" I knew that already, girl! I may be a little slow on the uptake when it comes to you and me, but…" 

He lifted his hand to her face, cradling her soft cheek. 

" You´re a trooper, I got that much. Ya´ don´t give up no matter what the odds. You ´re a fighter and gorrammit,….. you don´t have to look like this for me to know that!" 

His hand moved to her neck, lingering there while his grin grew wider.

"Though I sure as hell like what you did there, wearin´those ruddin´leather pants, darlin´..!"

"Thought you might like that." She admitted, returning his smile.

" Sure do, no question there…."

To his surprise River moved forward, straddling his lap, her arms around his shoulders.

She tilted her head to the side, looking into his eyes. Jayne became painfully aware that he was almost naked.

" You shouldn´t …." He told her. 

" Lotta things been happenin´ around here …..you probably…"

" I missed you." She said calmly, touching his face with one hand.

" Simon won´t like this." Jayne said, ignoring what she said. 

She could hear a tint of anger in his voice, but she did not understand. Of course a lot of things had happened, but with all those things she had thought that he would be happy to just be here with her. 

She did not want to think about those things now, about the past, the future, …..she wanted to be with him…

" It´s not up to him." River explained fiercely.

" What is wrong …?."

"Wrong? Gorramit everything is wrong …..the Reavers, you bein´ trained by the alliance to be who knows what, the crew …..everything… …"

River shook her head, searching his face. 

" That is on the outside, I don´t want to talk about this know ….all I did all day was to explain! Now I am done with that, I´m still River…..I still feel for you, nothing has changed about that. I´m tired of talking things through…..right now all I want to do is be with you. This is between us, it has nothing to do with any of this!"

" River …this is a ruddin´dream!" Jayne burst out exasperated.

River got up from his lap, looking at him for what seemed to be forever until she slowly nodded.

" Time to wake up then!" she whispered.

More Soon ..I promise !!!


	12. Ripple

Disclaimer: I don´t own the, they belong to Joss and Fox ( Arrrghhh!)

Notes: Ok guys ..I´ve never written anything like this before so …please don´t laugh ok. I know it may be a little risky, bit I tried my best ….I´m always open for suggestions ….and did I mention how much I loooove feedback?

RIPPLE

Jayne´s eyes flew open. Apart from the darkness surrounding him he could see her face floating above him. 

He blinked irritated only to find River standing next to his bed. She was bowed down, her face mere inches from his.

" Hello sleepyhead…" she breathed, smiling at him.

Time to wake up indeed, he thought, sitting up. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, on second thought he made a move for his clothes that hung from a nearby chair. Angrily he realized that he found himself in pretty much the same situation, dream or not……he felt strangely exposed wearing only his briefs. She did not seem to mind though.

River could feel his embarrassment and the anger. She knew her calmness and the obvious amusement that was evident in her face vexed him.

" What is it?" Jayne growled at her.

River sighed. 

She could feel things going downhill and she did not like it. This wasn´t how things were supposed to be between them now ….now that she finally ……

All she wanted was to hurl herself into his arms, for him to hold her, touch her ……

" I´m sorry.." she whispered 

" I made a mess, I know! I didn´t mean to be ….First in the cargo bay, I didn´t mean to cause you trouble! And now …I just needed to see you, needed to be alone with you…I ….I´m sorry!"

She held her hands out to him in a gesture of helplessness.

Jayne closed his eyes for a moment, one hand moving over his face. 

Damn that ruddin´ girl! 

Did she even know what she was doing to him? 

He looked at her. She wore that purple dress he liked, smelling all fresh and sweet …..

" Can´t change a ruddin´thing now.." he said roughly, taking her hands as she stepped closer. Now that he was at least wearing trousers he felt more comfortable with her around.

River let out a relieved sigh as she leaned against him.

Jayne looked down at her with a furrowed brow. 

Here they were again …..he would most likely never admit it, but he had missed her. 

He had gotten used to her sleeping in his bed and when she had not been there, something inside of him had felt empty and cold.

" One could say this is what started all the ruckus in the first place." 

" Doesn´t change how I feel, that´s what I told Simon!" River told him quietly.

Jayne put his hands on her delicate shoulders, holding her a few inches away from him. 

The look he gave her was one of guarded surprise.

How could she know what this was, what she felt?

Hell, he didn´t have a gorram clue ……in fact he had, but he tried to suppress it as much as he could. Jayne didn´t know if he would ever be able to really sort things through and come to terms with his feelings towards that girl.

River smiled at his facial expression while she carefully moved him backwards, forcing him to sit down on his bed again, until she stood between his legs.

Jayne snapped out of his thoughts. Right , better not think about that now….

Slowly he pulled her closer. 

She was back, they were alone for the first time in quite a while,……. without the scrutinizing looks of the others ……no Simon, no Mal, ….

Jayne put his arms around her and buried his face in the softly creasing material of her dress. He could feel the warm skin underneath the cloth, underneath his cheek, feel her tiny hands raking through his short hair.

River sighed again, looking down on his bent head, the arch of his broad back……all muscle and sinew. There was nothing soft or relenting about him, everything was hard and firm…..even his mind had an edge to it. 

She noticed several white scars on his back. She was not the only on this ship who carried a lot of pain inside, she remembered……the captain, Inara, Jayne …they all had their demons.

His cheek rested against her stomach, for a moment Jayne simply closed his eyes. It felt so good to have her near again.

This was yet another of her sneaky ways of getting closer to him, he thought in a split second of dismay. What was this girl doing to him?

None of the things he did lately were like him at all and yet, she seemed to provoke all kinds of weird impulses and emotions in him. Things that had grown too strong to simply ignore, not that Jayne hadn´t tried! 

But lately he found that he did not want to. This was out of his hands now, the connection between them had grown too strong, too powerful to be denied. 

Maybe it was a road to hell…..she and her brother were fugitives and now not only the alliance, but also Reavers and possibly Niska were out to get them ……most likely there would not be a happy end. Jayne found that somewhere along the line he had stopped caring……when she was around, things were different.

" You´re a knockout, you know that?" he finally said, looking up at her with a devilish grin.

River laughed, but as she moved her fingers over the scar on his chest her features grew serious again.

Gently, she took his face into her hands to kiss him. Before Jayne could think of a way to stop her, River had already leaned down, covering his lips with hers. 

It felt as though all the air had been sucked out of his lungs, only to come rushing back the instant their tongues met.

River marvelled in the feeling, at the same time realizing that this was new to him in a way…..he was not used to being gentle and tender with women. And there was something else ……..she carefully probed his mind as she moved closer.

" River stop!" Jayne tried to push her away again. This was madness……

" What?" she asked confused, her impatience growing.

" Girl…..you don´t know where this is going …"

She shot him a mocking look mixed with a smile that was too gorram sly for Jayne´s taste.

What the hell….

" Oh I think I have a pretty good idea…" River whispered huskily, straddling his lap the way she had done on the dream plane. 

Jayne tried to suppress a groan and caught a hold of her hands. She looked at him exasperated, pushing her hair out of her face.

" Now listen you stupid man!" she told him angrily

" I´m obviously in a clear state of mind! I know what I feel and I know what I want……..I know you think that some people might not understand this, but they will have to! And if they don´t ………this is between you and me, there is nobody else in this room! I know that you are always holding back when you are with me and that will stop now!"

" River.." Jayne tried to interrupt her ranting, but she cut him off 

" No! I´m not a little girl. I´ve had it with everybody deciding what is good for me …….I have seen and felt enough pain to last me a hundred lifetimes. I have a sea of anger and grief buried inside of me……but I feel at peace when I´m with you. I want to be with you and it is not very polite to go and ruin things when I´m trying really hard to seduce you!"

Jayne swallowed hard, staring at her dumbfolded. She had rendered him speechless once again ……

" So stop trying to do what you think all the others might consider as the right or the honourable thing…….you told me yourself you had no honour to begin with!

You don´t have to hold back for me. I know who you are and it doesn´t scare me!"

" Ruddin´Hell!" he cursed 

" There …you´ve done it again! Looked into my gorram brain!"

Of course she was right, he wanted her ….after her little rant he wanted her even more! And from her position he knew she could tell……

River lifted an eyebrow playfully.

She was unlike any woman he had ever encountered and that was just one of the reasons he was holding back………unlike any other, she had told him once.

Truth be told, he was not sure how to play this,….how to behave, what to do….

After all this girl was not some hooker he had picked up on a borderline planet to have his merry way with ……..he was at a loss, but he´d rather die than admit it.

Also ……even though she had cleared things up with the captain and her brother…..if Mal found them like this, he was probably still as good as dead.

River shook her head at him.

" Stop thinking!" she whispered.

" Love is not decent, love is glorious and shameless!"

She was quoting something, he could tell, but it unsettled him….

Now wait a ruddin´minute! 

Since when had they started talking about love? That had never been mentioned before!…Jayne Cobb did not fall in love!

All these thoughts fled from his mind in a blur the moment River started to kiss her way up his shoulders to his neck, her warm hands moving over the muscles of his chest in seductive circles.

Yep, if anybody saw this he´d be a dead man. He couldn´t help grinning….a ruddin´good way to go though…..

His grip on her shoulders grew firmer, to make her look at him. It was dark, but she was close enough for him to see her eyes looking straight into his….they were clear and knowing.

So much for that ….

Rivers lips were slightly parted, sweet and inviting.

" Darlin´.." he hissed shakily, shaking his head. 

" You´d better leave now. We both know what this is gonna lead to and …..I don´t have the ruddin´ strength to stop this, we both know that!" 

River smiled, kissing him again, her hands splayed on his broad shoulders. 

" No power in the ´verse will take me away ….." she breathed into his ear

" You are not taking advantage, I´m telling you for the last time, not now nor ever…..if I did not want to be here, I would not be! It´s just ……I know it has to be now, before something else happens!"

Jayne stared at her. He felt as though the temperature in his cabin had just risen by a hundred degrees. 

River sighed. She could still feel his tension…..he did not know what to do ….it was almost laughable!

She shifted her weight very subtly to be rewarded with a sharp intake of breath from Jayne. His hands came to rest on her slim hips almost instinctively.

" River.." he growled at her warningly.

She looked down at him with a challenging smile. 

How could she be so sure ….so full of fervour and feeling ?

There was something he needed to know……..Jayne just didn´t know how to…..

Carefully he pulled her towards him, his arms closing around her back. River rested her head on his shoulder, waiting.

Closing her yes, she could feel his heartbeat under her fingers. She knew what was bothering him…..she had to suppress a giggle. He was a grown man and still there were things that Jayne Cobb was unable to convey…..

His voice was raw when he finally managed to speak.

" River….are you…I mean ..have you ..?"

River looked straight at him, lifting an eyebrow. 

" Have I done this before?", she whispered into his ear.

He nodded, perplexed.

" I´m not going to answer that question ……" she told him after a moments hesitation. 

" Even if the answer was no……I´m not as innocent as Simon thinks!"

Jayne grinned back at her involuntarily.

" Oh ..I´ve noticed that!" he joked, nuzzling her neck.

River sighed. He was still unsure, nervous……she shifted her weight again, eliciting another hiss from Jayne. She leaned back very slowly, her eyes never leaving his face. With one swift, smooth motion River pulled the purple dress over her head, throwing it onto a pile of his clothes on the floor.

In the darkness of his bunk her pale skin shimmered like the feathers of a swan.

River looked down, suddenly shy from the expression of complete rapture in his face.

Jayne had no words. 

He knew he should not be staring at her like this, but he couldn´t help it. 

She was not curvy and voluptuous like some of the other women he had been with. 

They did not even compare to this girl, who looked like she was cut from the finest, whitest marble. He had never seen anything more beautiful in his life than her in that exact moment. 

It was a sight , Jayne knew he´d never forget, even if he lived for a hundred years. 

Her dark hair tumbling down her smooth, white shoulders unto her tiny waist, her face slightly averted, neck exposed…..

He only wished he had the words to tell her, but he knew that if he would try to sweet-talk to her now it would end up being a gorram´ train wreck……

River looked at him confused, reaching out with her mind only to find his inner turmoil….. 

She smiled. She knew he was not good with words, he didn´t need to be ……

River simply slid her arms around his neck, pressing against him. He could feel her smooth skin moving over his chest as River arched her back into him.

" God…." He said, his own voice sounding raspy in his ears " You´re beautiful…"

River closed her eyes, feeling his fingers gliding along her spine.

She put her cheek next to his, loving the sensual feeling of his stubble against her soft skin.

" Tonight …" Jayne could hear her whisper into his ear " Tonight, I´ll make you happy ….I´ll make us both happy."


	13. Best Laid Plans

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, not mine, not mine........

Notes:  The Poem referred to is of course " Stopping by woods on a snowy evening" by the brilliant Robert Frost. There is also a quote from Chriastpher Marlowe …..

I hope you still enjoy! Thanks for the kind feedback!!!!

BEST LAID PLANS

River opened her eyes, sighing almost inaudiably. She was still basking in the golden feeling that made her body feel like it was glowing. Her head rested on Jayne´s shoulder, her breathing in rhythm with his. For the first time since she could remember her sleep had not been filled with turmoil and dread. Her rest had been peaceful. 

She carefully lifted her to look at the man laying beside her, one arm casually thrown over bare shoulders. She knew she would remember this night for the rest of her life. He was a rough man, but he had proven to have a gentler side, even though Jayne Cobb usually tried his best to hide it most of the time. Once she had kindled that fire, there had been no holding back….

River still relished the feeling of his warm skin against hers……she sighed again, remembering a line from a poem she once had to learn by heart for a recital back in school. 

When she looked back on things it seemed like a lifetime ago.

But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. 

Right. Her face fell, taking on a very serious and hardened expression. There were things she needed to do, things that needed taking care of.

River breathed in deep, laying back down and closing her eyes again.

The other thing bared it´s teeth in her mind, as River reached out and connected.

It took her a moment until she found what she was looking for. The captain´s dreams resembled her own in many ways…..there was grief, hidden pain and conflict. Like her, Malcolm Reynolds was unable to simply let go of his worries….even in his sleep they shaped his dreams. The was fear there, fear for the safety of his shp, his crew……and more than once River could see the picture of Inara´s incredibly beautiful features flash through his mind.

Is this the face that launched a thousand ships and burned the topless towers of Illyum? 

In River´s own eyes Inara´s beauty had always been beyond compare and in her confused state she had often felt the urge to touch it…….to make sure that this beauty could indeed be real and not just a mirage…..

It was time ….

" Captain!"

Mal could feel somebody shake him and opened his eyes unwillingly. What he found in front of him was more ……unexpected than anything he could have come up with. Mal sat up in his bed, looking around. In front of his bed stood River, dressed in something that was definetly not her usual fairy-princess get up. In fact she looked more like Zoe than herself, with those leatherpants and that tight shirt.

A thick, shiny braid hung over one shoulder and she also wore a leatherholster complete with a set of handguns.

" Now what the gorrram ….." he stopped mid-sentence when he realised that this was not his cabin.

He stared at her.

" Now, where the hell am I?" he inquired. 

" This is a dream captain." 

River explained quietly.

" Dream, ha?" 

Mal looked around his surroundings again.

" Looks an awful lot like Jayne´s bunk if you ask me!"

" It is …..in a way." 

Mal lifted an eyebrow at her, clearly not satisfied or comfortable with her explanation.

" I created this place, it exists in my mind. It looks like Jayne´s bunk because I want it to. Because this is the place the voices in my mind could not reach me. My thoughts give this place form. It is my safe place, my shelter from the storm raging inside of me ……everything that made me crazy. I took you here because I needed to talk to you without her overhearing."

She finally eloborated.

" So this´s what you did to Jayne, took him here,ha?  …. Shiny " 

He nodded, understanding.

" I thought you had this truce,….. what is it that you need to talk to me about?"

" I know you felt that I did not tell you the whole truth earlier and you were right. There are some things I cannot tell you…….I have this truce, but I don´t trust her."

Mal nodded again, now that was something he did understand, something he could relate to.

He would be lying if he said that this whole dreamwalking- thing did not irritate him ……

" Correct me if I´m wrong but ….us being in your mind, doesn´t this mean that she can hear us ……with her being in your mind too?"

River gave him a sincere smile, leaning forward like a child that wanted to share a naughty secret.

" I tricked her!" 

Mal could not help but grin back at her. She might be a genius and most likely a powerful reader, since she was able to do all this weird stuff but …..Mal felt that there was also a mischievious girl inside of her. 

" How?"

 He found it hard to believe that one could trick something that was part of that person´s  own mind.

" This is the place she cannot go……also she most likely thinks I am here with somebody else…..that I´am here with Jayne."River said.  

" Wanna tell me how that all happened? I hope you don´t mind me sayin´ …I still can´t seem to understand how that came about."

River smiled again, allowing herself to reminiscent  about the past hours for a second, her pale skin blushing a little.

" I don´t really know……One night I snuck out of my room. I couldn´t sleep but I …….I could sense him in the cargo-bay. He couldn´t sleep either. That night I realised that the nearer I came towards him, the quieter the voices became. Something about him made them stop." 

She fumbled her braid self- consciously.

" She must have known way before I ever noticed anything, that´s why she made me cut him, I think. She saw the threat……… Jayne is something……an unknown factor that she cannot comprehend."

" How´d you mean?" he asked  a little confused by her explanation.

" Whatever she is……she is artificial. She knows logic, conditioned behaviour- patterns, obedience. She was not designed to think in the ways our minds work……creativity, she does not think in ways she was not taught to, not conditioned to. She can evaluate situations, but she does not really think. Feelings she cannot comprehend ……that´s what it was. He is something,…… someone unlike anybody  I have ever encountered before. He is force….pure, absolete and raw….very straightforward in his speech and in his thoughts as well."

" Yep, sounds like Jayne…" Mal commented.

" He is not  a bad man, captain!" she emphazised 

" He can be very sweet…..he doesn´t really know how to be that way, but …he makes the effort." 

She giggled, remembering his face when she had pulled her dress over her head.

" Even though he would sooner die than admit it! I have seen it, deep down he has a gentle side. And because she does not comprehend feeling ….this is the place she I cannot go! That´s how I tricked her. She cannot follow me here."

Mal furrowed up his brow.

" See there is something I still don´t really understand here, River. What is that she-thing you keep talking about…I mean, I know that the alliance- scientist put her in your mind and all, but …..what is she, really?"

River looked at the captain, considering her options. She had still problems to put her thoughts and feelings concerning her inner demon into words. On the other hand  after all that  he had done for her and Simon, Malcolm Reynolds deserved to know…

" I´m not sure if I can really answer this…..I mean, I don´t really know the answer to this question myself. I can only tell you what I think…"

" That´s good enough for me…" Mal said, still a little taken aback by how different the girl looked in that outfit. 

He figured it had to do with what she wanted to represent on this plane. Even though he had been laying in bed, in River´s dream …or mind , he was fully dressed.

River took a deep breath, nodding. 

" What is she then?" 

" She is me." River answered this time.

 " She is me,….stripped of all my dreams, hopes, emotions, my opinions or memories. She is River, devoid  of everything that defines  somebody´s personality."

She hesitated a moment before she continued, her face set.

" She is a killer…..a soldier, she could be anything they would want her to be……a spy, an assassin……anything. She does not question, she just acts. She is an entity, not a person……she will never become me. She is a weapon, a drone…….and she wants to go home!"  

River sighed, shaking her head again, still unsure if she should just tell him everything.

" And that is the scariest   part about it…….that she wants to go home, back to that place where….." 

River swallowed hard. 

" She wants to return to the facility where she was born or conceived, or whatever you want to call it! She wants to go back there…….almost like there is some kind of homing-beacon. I can feel it´s pull…….it´s calling her. She wants to …."

" Why?" Mal interrupted her.

River looked at him very earnestly.

" Because she thinks it´ s home! She would do anything to get back there."

Something in River´s face made the arms on Mal´s neck and arms rise. She ment what she said and it was obvoius to him that he knew what she was talking about. 

" You mean she´d kill to get back there…."

River nodded, averting her eyes.

" We have a truce now, but when this thing with the Reavers is over……only one of us can stay in this body. She knows that there is no other option." 

Mal could her her sigh, before she fixed her dark eyes on him again.

"  Maybe I can beat her."

" How?"

" I know something she does not know, something she is not aware of!"

Mal pinched the bridge of his nose unconsciously. 

" What?" he demanded to know.

" She is incomplete, unfinished. Whatever they tried to achieve by cutting into my brain…..I guess it was done to eliminate my control over my own emotions, so that my mind would be caught up in battling this confusion and overwhelming conflict. All my defenses were down, my mind exposed …..so she could take over. She was not designed to just dwell in some part of my mind and struggle for control, it was supposed to be one quick, clean strike. She should have taken over completely in a matter of days….take over body and mind , anihilating every trace of personality there was."

River´s malicious smile was enough to make Mal´s blood freeze.

" But that never happened. My treatment never progressed that far because Simon saved me from that place. She could not take over without their help, the conditioning remained incomplete…..so she needed to find another way. She tried to find a backdoor, a loophole, but I was fighting her already, fighting the voices."

Mal stared at her, finally understanding.

" So that´s why they want you back so desperatly, these blue-gloved freaks?"

River shrugged her shoulders.

" I think so……I have all her knowledge, her training, the abilities and skills they programmed her with. Everything they spent years to condition her with is in my head, at my disposal even though I don´t really know how I make things work… I´m not under their control, beyond their reach …..and it scares them."

" And you think this thing they put in your head does not know any of this?"

" She is not aware of all this from what I gather. That´s how I´ll beat her! But right now …I need her. I´have a plan to get rid ofthe Reaver´s ……"

" Shiny!" Mal said mockingly, but still interested. This girl was indeed full of surprises, he could see where the attraction between her and Jayne came from. If she really knew all this stuff about guns and warfare and strategy the alliance taught that drone, she was a perfect match for the grumpy mercenary. Everything Jayne Cobb could have ever looked for in a woman in one pretty little package. 

Mal found himself wondering if River could also cook…..

" Why don´t you tell me about that?"

She shook her head apologetically.

" We need to talk about something else first!"

Mal cocked an eyebrow at her. This dream was definetly more interesting than any conversation he had had in a very long time.

" Oh, do we? Well, spit it out than so we can get back to that plan of yours!"

" You remember what happened in sickbay….when I shut down?"

" You mean with your eyes rolling back into your head and all the screaming and yelling? Yeah, I remember!"

" There is something I need you to do if that happens again…..there is a combination of drugs in Simon´s posession that you´ll have to inject me with."

" Shouldn´t you have this little talk with your brother, he´s the doctor after all. Don´t you trust him?"

" I do….but even if I asked him, he wouldn´t." 

She explained calmly.

" Why not?"

" He would think it might kill me!"

" Oh …..would it."

" Hopefully not."

" Well now that´s not  very reassuring!"Mal returned, still staring at the girl that had changed so much since he first saw her.

" Please, captain! Whatever Simon might think….these drugs could help me fight her."

" I´m not a doctor River, I wouldn´t even know the correct dosage…"

" Oh, don´t worry, captain. You´ll remember when the time comes."

Something about that unsettled Mal even more, than her appearrance, but looking back at her he suddenly couldn´t remember why that was.

" There is something else…." River continued hastily. 

Time was growing short, she needed to speed things up. There were so many things she needed to do before….

" Now, why doesn´t that surprise me!" Mal shot back.

" If ……in case that she wins, if she takes over, I need you to kill me!"

Mal gaped at her, not sure if he had heard her right.

" What?"

" I need you to kill me."

" River ..I" Mal searched her face. 

" I couldn´t."

" We both know that´s not true." She answered calmly.

" If I posed a threat…..if she takes over…" 

River sat down next to Mal, facing him. Her expression was serene and serious at the same time.

" You need to understand this captain. If she wins, I will be dead. She will kill me, not my body because she needs that, but she will kill me in my mind. My personality will be gone, there will be nothing left of me…..no matter what she looks like it will not be me. We both know if there was anything that posed a threat to Serenity, to her crew….to Kaylee or Inara, you´d do anything to eliminate that threat."

" River…." 

He tried to interrupt, but she cut him off.

" You´ll have to kill me ….kill her. You´d have to! Believe me captain, this thing  doesn´t know emotion. She has no feelings, no conscience…..no scruples. She´d kill whoever stands in her way."

" Why do you tell me this? Why not Simon or Jayne? You told me you believe in him, trust him." 

" I do believe…" River whispered, her face and voice becoming soft.

" I ……trust him, but I cannot trust him with this."

She looked Mal straight in the eyes.

" I trust him with my heart……but we both know that ….I don´t think he could.."

" What`?"

" Shoot me."

Her head jerked up, she looked around.

" I need to go…"

" First we´ll have to discuss this plan ….I wanna hear all about that…."

She turned back to him, smiling again.

" I cannot tell you about that captain…" she whispered to him.

 Mal felt a strange pull towards the floor, a feeling he had never experienced before. He suddely realised that his vision was getting blurry… he squeezed his eyes shut, blinking several times.

" What are you talking ´bout? ….´Course you can , why wouldn´t you?"

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Malcolm Reynolds realised that it was a very stupid question……he thought he knew the answer already and didn´t like it.

" The plan does not involve you ….." River told him calmly. 

It sounded as though her voice came from far away. Mal realized that he was laying back onto the bed against his will.

" …..neither you nor Zoe, nor Jayne …..not even Serenity. Sleep…..it will be alright."


	14. Come Undone

DISCLAIMER:  I don´t own Firefly or any of the characters ..yadayadayda……sue please don´t sue me because my only crime is being a big fan of this brilliant, but untimely cancelled show !!!

NOTES: Thanks again for all the nice feedback! I really appreciate it and it helps me keep on track…when I started writing this I never dreamed of progressing this far ….Chapter 14 ( I still can´t believe it!) 

COME UNDONE

For a moment River wished she could just go back to sleep herself, just snuggling even closer to Jayne …….she swallowed hard.

" Are you ready?" she could hear the other thing whisper in her mind. 

" We are running out of time!"

" I know!" River answered defiantly, angry to be chastised by that thing.

Jayne´s hand moved so swiftly that River was captive before she realized what was happening. She felt his strong fingers slide into her hair, up all the way to her scalp. She turned her head, to look into his face. He was still sleeping.

With a relieved sigh River released the breath caught in her chest. He could not wake up yet …..she needed to move.

Very slowly River tried to untangle herself from his body, careful as not to wake him in the process of wriggling free from his embrace.

Without making a sound she pulled her abandoned clothes on and climbed up the ladder.

The only thing perceptible about the small girl as she moved along the abandoned corridors was her own erratic breathing. It had not taken long to come up with a plan; the crux of it was the time she would be needing. Time was of the essence…..

Her first stop was sickbay. River did not even turn on the lights, she knew where Simon stored the things she needed.

He had locked the drug- cabinet as any responsible physician would. River smiled while craftily picking the lock.

Her wonderful, careful brother and his principles ….what would he be without them?

They even kept him from pursuing what he secretly wanted. 

She knew that in his thoughts he liked to pretend that he had no hidden desires, that all he cared for was River´s  health and safety. She also noticed the way his eyes sought out Kaylee, when he thought that no one was paying attention.

 It was the same way Mal would look at Inara……..the way Inara stole looks at the captain, there was not as much passion in Simon´s gaze. He was to guarded for that.

River shook her head in order to clear her mind and focus on the task at hand.

She pulled up three syringes, just to be sure. 

Then she went towards the flight –deck. Wash was the only person awake, flying the ship. 

River had felt him waking up. She approached him slowly, injecting him with the sedative. 

He felt the sting to his right upper arm and turned around. River hated the expression of shock and surprise on his face when his eyes fell onto her and he came to understand what she had done.

" River?" he gasped, his vision already becoming hazy.

" It´s ok ….don´t be afraid. It´s only a sedative, it will make you sleep for three to four hours."

" What?" she could see his eyelids fluttering. 

The drug´s effect was immediate, that´s why she had chosen it.

" I´ll reduce Serenity´s speed and activate the autopilot. It will be okay….just relax."

By the time she finished the sentence Wash was already unconscious.

River started manipulating the controls, pressing buttons to prepare her departure.  

In front of her brother´s cabin River took a moment to inhale deeply. She hated doing this, hated every bit of it, but she needed to make sure that the people she cared for were safe.

Simon was still sleeping when she entered his cabin. She sat down on the bed next to him, just holding his hand. In his sleep Simon was relaxed, smiling even and River wished she had enough time to visit him there on his dream-plane and explain herself. But she had already lost too much time talking to Mal ……

River pressed her lips to Simon´s forehead. 

" I love you, Simon!" she whispered into his ear. 

" You saved me from the dark- place, but you could not save me from their monsters…..I have to do that myself." 

After that she took his forearm and inserted the needle. His eyes snapped open immediately. 

" What are you doing?" he rasped, his voice raw. He stared at her, then at the syringe.

" Oh god, River what …..?

River pressed his hand till he blacked out.

What would have to come next …….River dreaded most of all. 

That which cries " Thus thou must do, if thou have it;

And that which rather thou dost fear to do 

Than wishest should be undone……

River did not know why all these memories came crashing down on her now ….threatening to bury her like an avalanche. She remembered Simon reading the play to her, verses that he then thought a little girl couldn´t understand….that she´d take any excuse to spend time with her big brother. But Simon had been wrong …..the little girl had understood all to well …..

Jayne opened his eyes to find River moving around his bunk. He felt a predatory grin spread over his features as he crossed his arms behind his head, watching her graceful movements. 

When exactly did she get dressed again?

River could feel his eyes, the hairs on the back of her neck started stirring. She couldn´t help turning around, giving him a smile that mirrored his own.

" Watcha´doin, lil ´sparrow?" he said. 

She didn´t answer, instead she sat down on the edge of the bed looking straight into his eyes.

Slowly, with a patience Jayne felt he didn´t really have, but that he desperately wanted to keep up, he drew her nearer until her forehead rested against his. River´s eyelids fluttered shut. She allowed herself to surrender to the feeling inside of her, allowed him to pull her closer still until her head come to rest on his chest, her cheek on his collarbone.

Jayne buried  his face in her hair, inhaling as deeply as he could, battle hardened hands moved over her soft shoulders.

He knew there was something wrong, he could feel it. Something was troubling her and he just hoped that it had nothing to do with …..last night.

" You , ok?"

River lifted herself up, looking at him again. She could feel …..knew what he was referring to and smiled.

" Yes .." she nodded.

" But there is something else I …..I need to tell you. I need some of your things ..I …." 

Jayne furrowed up his brow, then he felt a sharp sting on his arm. 

" What?" 

His eyes followed the sensation and he could see the needle, the syringe….

" What the gorram´hell…..?" he looked at River again whose brown eyes were rapidly welling up with tears. 

" I'm sorry .." she whispered, reaching out with one hand to caress his face…..the way she had done that first time in cargo bay.

" I´m so sorry …."

Jayne blinked violently for a few times, fighting against the fuzziness that threatened to overwhelm him. 

So this is what that felt like …..what it must have felt like for her to be sedated.

He tried to lift himself up, but found that he couldn´t.

" Why are you doin´this, River?"

" I need to save us ….." her face was a mask of pain, tears streaming down her face. 

" I need to take a few of your guns, I´ll try to bring them back to you …but…..the captain will know what to do…… when ….."

She breathed in deep, trying to get a hold of herself.

" I need to go …I´m so sorry!"

" Where….." 

" I need to take care of …"

Jayne was still fighting against the effect of the drug, it took a toll on him ……but her meaning  slowly dawned on him……the preposterous thing  she was doing.

" No ..River, ruddin´hell …no!" he gasped.

" It´ll be ok" River whispered into his ear, leaning her forehead against his again. 

" I promise…….no power in the ´verse…. remember?" 

" You can´t …." 

His words sounded slurred in his own ears.

She smiled at him sadly, pressing her lips to his cheek.

" I will……it´ll be okay. I will be fine……they gave me all these abilities and all the knowledge, but you made me a fighter, Jayne. You made me see……and I want to thank you for that, for making me a fighter."

She could see he was slowly loosing consciousness, still fighting against the sedative, like she had known he would. She hated the idea of him thinking that she was betraying him, but it was the truth….she had tricked him. 

" I´m sorry!" she breathed again " I had to …you would not have let me go ……but this is my fight, not yours or Mal´s …..you made me strong."

River stood over his bed for a moment, staring down at him. She had gathered up the guns she wanted to take, one of his knives too. She´d leave Vera behind ……she could not make herself take it. Her heart was aching. 

She did not know if they would understand. She could only hope……there were still things to do before she could leave. 

She could feel Mal stirring, he´d wake up soon.

River took one deep, shuddering breath. Suddenly knowing what the writer had wanted to express, what the woman was supposed to feel ………remembering Simon´s low reading voice….

Come you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts, 

Unsex me here;

And fill me , from thje crown to the toe , top-full

Of direst cruelty!


	15. Eclipse

DISCLAIMER: I don´t own any of the characters or Serenity…….I wouldn´t mind taking one or two of them home with me though…but they belong to Joss Whedon and Fox

Notes: I forgot to mention that the quotes from Chapter 14  were of course taken from 

" Macbeth" by the immortal William Shakespeare…Sorry! There are two more Shakespeare quotes in this one too …couldn´t resist!!!

Malcolm Reynolds woke up with the distinct feeling that something was awfully wrong. He just could not remember what it was. He got dressed as fast as humanly possible. 

It all came rushing back when he climbed the ladder to open the hatch that led to his bunk…..and found that he could not open it. About a split second before his hand reached the handle the hatch locked with a deep hissing sound. 

" Gorramit!" Mal heard himself yell. He could hear her moving about, her light footsteps in the corridor……

River moved quickly from hatch to hatch, manipulating each keypad that controlled the hatch, effectively locking the crew of Serenity in their quarters. 

" What in heaven´s name do you think you are doing River?"

 Mal yelled at the closed hatch. 

He could not believe that the situation had played out like this ……that little girl had locked him up in his own cabin! He needed to talk some sense into her ……he knew what she was planning and it was completely insane.

" I cannot let you do this River!"

River breathed deep, putting Jayne´s leather pouch  down next to her, to stop in front of the captain´s hatch. 

" I´m sorry captain ……but you don´t really have a say in this!" she told him through the steel of the hatchdoor.

" What about your brother or Jayne?"

Mal thought he could almost feel her hesitating, a slight rustling sound indicated, that she was leaning against the hatch. River swallowed hard, she could feel her heart flutter in her chest like a little bird.

Jayne ……

O, but for my love, day would turn to night! 

" None of you….. I´m doing this for all of you,….. to protect this ship!"

River leaned her forehead against the cold, rough metal of the door. 

She needed to go, but she also needed someone to understand……someone who would make Jayne understand.

" The bad thing about what they did to me at this place…..the really bad thing is that in a way they took away my opportunity to decide. Simon was right when he said that I can't not feel……but I also can't not see! And I see too much.  There are things that once you have seen them, you can never close your eyes to them again. You know what I mean, don´t you?"

Mal inhaled deeply, his fist hitting against the wall of his bunk. He knew she was talking about the things she had seen in his dreams, the fights, the dying…….

How did Jayne deal with this, with her being able to see through everything….right into someone's core?

His respect for the mercenary had grown a lot in the last few days. 

It took a lot of courage and gut to face the fact that the person one was drawn to was in many ways like a mirror of one´s own soul. She saw …everything. Not just the façade they had built, she saw beneath all that …..saw all deeds, good and bad, weakness and fear and most likely everything that haunted them. Jayne had known all that, known that once she knew all about him, his deepest secrets, she might just turn away….run scared or maybe even disgusted. And still …he had taken that risk. 

And River ……she had not run, quite the opposite…..she had stood her ground against Simon. She had accepted Jayne with all the baggage that came with it. She knew exactly what kind of man the mercenary was and she had embraced it. 

" Yes….." Mal answered finally. 

" In know what you mean!"

"I cannot close my eyes to the truth. And you know what the truth is, captain?"

" Why don´t you tell me?"

Mal´s thoughts were still racing, he could maybe stall her for a while …..there had to be a way out of his bunk!

River laughed almost bitterly. She knew what he was thinking, she could not help but admire the captain …….he and Jayne were more alike than any of them would ever admit. They both never accepted defeat, the never gave up ! 

Their pride would not allow it  ……they´d rather die. 

And she would never let that happen!

My house, my honour, yea my life be thine……

" The truth is if I don´t do this, we will all die!"

" You don´t know that!"

" As a matter of fact I do …."

Mal shook his head, beating his fists against the hatch door again.

" River …I know that you believe that it´s true, but no one can now the future!"

He could hear her sigh at the other side of the door, her weight shifting.

" Captain, believe me…….I have thought this through!"

she explained evenly.

"I know that you believe that we decide our own fate and that is true to some extent, but there are things that once they have been set in motion not a soul in this ´verse can influence. You think there is no destiny….no predetermined future but there are things I can predict. "

" How ……with that thing inside of you? She telling you to do this? She could be lying River!"

" I am aware of that, captain…..but this is not her decision, it is  mine. If it were up to her……she´d rather have all of you dead! It would make things much easier for her.

Things have been set in motion a long time ago, captain. When you escaped the Reavers the first time …..it´s like a pattern, like a puzzle …….what I do is predict the likelihood of a certain outcome, add up the numbers."

Her voice became very low, almost impossible to hear through the steel hatch.

" You don´t know what´s to come if things proceed the way you´d chose them to be, that is why I have to go! You don´t know the things she has shown me, the nightmares I´ve seen! I cannot let them come true!" River whispered empathically. 

Then she pressed her hand against the hatch for a moment.

" Goodbye , captain …."

" River!" Mal threw his whole weight against the door, but it did not move.

" This is suicide, you can´t do this!"

" Hopefully I won´t die ……remember when the time comes." 

She threw the pouch that contained the weapons and a few rations over her shoulder and left.

" She took the shuttle…." Wash muttered, staring out into space from his pilot seat, the whole crew crammed in the cockpit behind him. 

All of them were still anxious and pretty rattled after the experience of being locked in their own cabin´s or even drugged. The doors had unlocked themselves after five hours.  

Simon hadn´t stopped shaking his head for the last few minutes. He still couldn´t believe that his baby sister was capable of concocting and executing such a perilous and insane plan.

Jayne´s face had been bare every expression ever since he had woken from his drug induced sleep to find River gone and the whole ship in upheaval.

" Is there any way we can track her maybe?" Zoe asked her husband, one hand on his shoulder. After the incident  with Niska, she did not like the idea of any sharp or pointy object coming to close to her man. She still could not believe that River drugged him. 

" Of course we can …." Kaylee interrupted.

 " The shuttle´s have a tracking device, I installed it myself! That´s how we found that ……Saffron!"

Jayne pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. He snickered.

  They all looked at him. 

" Whatcha´ looking at me like that for? I know at least Mal´s been thinking it to ……I´m willing to bet Vera that the first thing she did after taking off was disabling that ruddin´ device…."

" He´s right, Kaylee…" Wash told her. 

" I tried to pinpoint the signal, but there is no signal!"

Despite of how he felt about all this, Jayne couldn´t help but laugh.

" There ya´have it …that´s my girl, she plays for keeps……."

" But what do we do now?" Book asked into the silence that followed Jayne´s statement. 

" We cannot just leave her out there all by herself ….if you really believe that she is trying to …."

" She is!" Mal interrupted him. 

" Believe it preacher, she´s going after the Reaver´s! She´s got about four hours on us …also sent Serenity´s autopilot in the opposite direction!"

" But Mal …." Inara cut in  

" She´s a just a girl……we can´t abandon her like that! She´ll get killed!"

Malcolm Reynolds shot a look at Jayne, who stared out into space, his brow furrowed.

" You know her best , Jayne……" Mal said, ignoring Simon´s furious look. 

" What do you think?" 

" She´s no little girl." He answered finally, trying to keep the feelings that were tearing at him out of his voice.

" No little girl planned all this…….she knows what she is doing, at least that's what she thinks. We´ll not find her before she  wants to be found."

Then he turned around and left the cockpit……..

Next Chapter " Into the Void" ……am, already working on it!!!

Hope you liked this one, even though it was short!!


	16. Into the Void

 DISCLAIMER: Still not mine, Serenity and her crew belong to Mutant Enemy and Fox ……( Arrrghhh Fox!!!! Is there any good show you guys don´t cancel???   Like DARK ANGEL ……ah no sorry …or FASTLANE …….ah yep, forgot …that one got cancelled too!) 

NOTES : Buhuuuuu to the cancellation of Fastlane and John Doe …..well at least it seems that we might actually get to see  a FIREFLY- MOVIE ……..YEAY!!!

Thanks for the feedback ……..hope you still enjoy …..I still plans for all these people so don´t worry!!!

INTO THE VOID

„ So this is what you want us to do, Sir?" Zoë asked again, just to be clear. 

She had understood the captain well enough; she just needed him to say it again, so that she could believe it.

" Right ….nothing, we do nothing! We wait …."

Malcolm Reynolds knew it was unlike him to just play sitting duck and wait …….but it was all they could do. He only wished  he  knew what he was waiting for…..

Zoë, sitting across from him at the table held his gaze for a moment, before she rose to get herself another cup of tea.

They had done nothing but wait for the last 40 hours and the majority of the crew was growing more and more troubled by the hour. 

Simon took turns in blaming himself, then Jayne or the captain for what was happening. He wanted them to search for his sister, something that Zoë would have supported……if only they knew where she was headed. 

" We cannot stay here forever, Sir. We´ll run out of gas sooner or later…"

" I know that." Mal told her. 

A part of him consented with her, there was no plan, no strategy in what they were doing.

" But we can´t just abandon her. I´m pretty sure she´ll contact us once she …."

" You really think she´ll try to deal with the Reavers all by herself?"

Mal  took a sip of his tea, staring at Zoë over the rim of his cup.

" Pretty sure …."

"Then how do we know she´s still alive?"  She did not like to be the one to ask this question, but it needed to be asked nonetheless. Zoë was just glad that they were the only ones sitting in the mass in the middle of what seemed to be another endless night.

" Well…." Mal answered uncomfortably " …so far they haven´t come to knock on our door, have they?"

" You think she´ll survive them?"

" The girl survived the alliance, that´s what I know……and she came up with a pretty nifty plan to surprise us! She´s good ……but I don´t know ……from what she told me in that dream she intended to come back. She seemed more worried about that other thing in her head than the Reavers."

" So we wait …" Zoë repeated.

" Yes."

" But for how long?"

" Until we need to take up more gas …if that´s what it takes." 

He looked at her earnestly. 

" I cannot leave her behind Zoë, she´s part of this crew now."

" I know." She said with a sad, knowing smile.

 He´d been like this in the war……..leave no man behind, that was Malcolm Reynolds. It was one of the reasons why she´d follow him into hell and back if necessary.

" There´s something else captain …." 

Mal cocked an eyebrow at her. He knew what she meant, but he didn´t like the thought that he needed to take care of it.

" Somebody needs to talk to Jayne, Sir."

He was in the cargo-bay……again. It was all he seemed to do lately, working out to take his mind of all the thoughts racing through his head. He didn´t want to think……think about their situation, about what happened…….think about her.

Gorramit!!

He had been pumping iron for more than an hour, his whole body aching, drenched in sweat.

He still could not believe what she had done …..it drove him insane. The thought of her ….alone , out there …..facing ….

Ruddin´ hell! He had known she´d be the death of him…….

Jayne Cobb would never admit it….he could not even admit it to himself, but since she was gone he felt like someone had ripped the heart from his chest; ripped it out clean and good and all that was left now was this emptiness that could not be filled.

River Tam had gotten to him the way no person had ever gotten to him before…..he had let his guard down with her. 

And look where that had got him …….ruddin´ hell! 

What really drove him crazy was that there was nothing he could do …nothing. 

" How´re you doin´?"

Jayne put the weights down carefully, staring at Mal as he descended the stairs. 

" Watcha´want…. ?" he growled, wiping the sweat of his forehead. 

" We need to talk!"

" ´bout what?"

Mal folded his arms in front of his chest and looked at the tall mercenary in a disapproving manner.

" About what´s going on with you …….you hardly talk to anyone, you don´t eat with us ….all you do is ….this." Mal gestured towards the bench-press and the weights.

" You are not the only one who´s  feeling miserable about all this."

Jayne rose from  the bench, reaching for a towel. He gave Mal a derisive snort.

" Oh Yeah? I don´t remember you being drugged by your gir……..by her …."

" So that´s what´s bugging you?"

" No …..it´s not bugging me!" Jayne exploded.

" It´s driving me insane…….her being out there …..doing god knows what! There´s nothing I can ruddin ´ do here, Mal! It´s not supposed to be this way…….she´s a little  girl after all! She should not be facing  those gorram´ monsters all by herself! The thought of them makes my ruddin´ blood freeze……..and I have seen a lot of bad things in my time! I can´t believe she´d just ……do this …"

Mal took Jayne´s reaction in, squinting at him. 

" Right there with ´ya , you know that! I don´t like this any more than you do and that´s why she pulled this off…….she knew we would never let her have her way!"

Jayne shook his head.

" I can´t believe she´d not tell me …..she drugged me, Mal! That tiny slip of a girl drugged me, took the shuttle ……."

" I thought part of the attraction was that River was not the little girl she seemed to be." Mal interrupted him. " That she knew about weapons and ….."

Jayne grinned involuntarily, remembering her tiny hands dismember Vera ………

…. slender fingers crawling up his arms, her pale, smooth skin moving over his ….

Mal was right in a way….there were distinctive moments when he´d been aware that River was in no way a little girl ……..otherwise he would not have taken here into his bed, had not allowed  himself to be seduced by her ………in all her glory and her straightforwardness. 

……her warm, smiling lips yielding to his kiss, his hands encompassing her slim waist moving upwards to  her delicate shoulders ….her dainty neck….

He shook his head again to clear his mind. The memory was like a dull ache in his chest.

" She´s still a girl, Mal, human despite of all the gorram ´stuff……a girl that could be hurt. She´s tougher than she seems but……..she´s so ruddin´fragile when you look at her …….she should not be out there, thinking she needs to take care of things."

" She knows us pretty well, doesn´t she?" Mal commented thoughtfully. 

" Creeps into your gorram´mind, that´s what she does. Sees right through everything ……." 

Mal raised on eyebrow at the other man.

" And still she choose to be with you……says something about you, don´t you think?"

Jayne furrowed up his brow, returning the captain´s intense stare.

" What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

" She trusted you…….knew all about you, who you are, what you did …..and she embraced all of it. Now that´s quite a scary thought if you ask me! River was drawn to you, even after you tried to betray her and Simon. She saw you for what you are, Jayne ……the man who after all wants to protect her, even if it meant protecting her from her own actions. That´s why she drugged you." 

…..her faint laughter, like the sound of little, silvery bells, her dark eyes closed, her head thrown back, her soft  hair fanned out on his pillow …..he could almost feel her warm, silky skin under his fingers…….

" That gorram ´girl ….." Jayne cursed, shaking his head again. He felt embarrassed like he had never been before in his life………he had barely talked about his feelings with River…. Exposing them in front of Mal was not something he was keen on doing.

……her voice, whispering through the sickening mist the drug was weaving around his mind ….. no power in the ´verse, remember? 

" I once told her that I wouldn´t go and slay her ruddin´demons for her ……now I wish I could. This is not the way it´s supposed to be, Mal…….she should not be out there in order to protect us, we should be protecting her."

There was nothing Malcolm Reynolds could answer……he couldn´t agree more. So they both just stood there, staring out of the airlock into space with grim expressions on their faces. 

Jayne felt his hands curl into fists around the ends of his towel. 

„ They have found us." 

" I know!" River whispered, opening her eyes. The other thing was nowhere to be seen, but she knew it was there ……she had heard it´s voice ….her voice. 

She closed her eyes again, trying to give her breathing a calming rhythm. She whished that she could go to her safe place now, but she knew she that was not possible … not now. 

There were other things to consider…..she needed a place where they both could meet. 

When she opened her eyes this time she was kneeling on a Japanese bridge, leading over a slowly flowing stream. The whole garden around her was intended to resemble a Japanese park …..River sighed.

 It was beautiful and serene here …..she even found herself wearing a kimono, a white, soft kimono with long arms that almost covered her hands. She smiled bitterly ……white, the Japanese colour for mourning…….for grief. 

To her right side, next to where she was kneeling lay a long sword in  it´s black lacquered sheath. 

River bowed her head, letting her hair fall over her face. 

" This is a beautiful place ….."  She could hear her own voice whisper eerily all around her.

 " You know this place, don´t you ….you created it from your own memory. You have been here before!"

" A long time ago." River answered.

" Me and Simon used to play here ……my father took us to this park at one of his friend´s houses."

She could feel the other thing approaching, like cold breeze and looked up to find it at the end of the bridge. It looked like a perfect replica of her. 

For a moment they just stared at each other, before  it started moving towards her slowly.

" They have found us." It reminded her again.

" Just like you knew they would ……now we are all that stands in their path."

It looked down on her with it´s sharp, cunning eyes it´s head tilted sideways. 

" Are you afraid?"

River returned the stare with defiance, but she knew there was no use in lying ….they were both here, inside her mind.

This was not the safe place, this was common ground …there would be no lies here, no tricks, no secrets….

" Aren´t you?" she asked back. 

The thing looked at her blankly, no emotion evident ……..it made River shiver to look into her own face, that was so devoid of any sentiment.

" I don´t know fear…or love, or grief." The thing stated flatly, giving River the travesty of a smile.

" I thought you knew that."

River nodded.

 Suddenly the thing rushed forward, hands outstretched as if to grab her. 

In one smooth motion River jumped to her feet, unsheathing the sword. 

" We are not done here!" she whispered towards the thing warningly.

" I did not mean to hurt you …..we cannot fight now, we need to be one." 

For a split second the whole image of the garden shook as though there was an earthquake, they both looked up at the blue sky which was rapidly filling with dark clouds.

" They are here……hauling us in." River uttered, holding the sword at her side in one hand.

" Just like we planned." 

The thing stood right in front of her now, close enough to touch her. 

To River´s surprise it slowly held out his arms, enveloping her in an almost comforting but cold  embrace.

" Don´t worry sister…" it whispered into River´s ear.

" You have done enough……now it´s my turn!"

She felt it´s hand curl around her own on the handle of the sword. A violent jerk went through both of their bodies and River found herself in an empty room, the only light came from an open door.

" You´ll be safe here….." she heard the thing whisper with her voice as it took the gleaming sword from River´s hand.

It took a step backwards to look at her, caressing her cheek the way she herself had touched Jayne.

" You stay out of this now, little sister, and let me take care of them."

" Why ?" 

For a moment, there was absolute clarity; a connection between them …….River could not perceive dishonesty in her mirror image, no secret plan to betray her …….yet.

" You are a girl, despite of everything you have done. You were never meant for this. I was created for this, made for this …… I´m a weapon of war, you said it yourself……stay here."

River stood in the middle of the empty room, watching the thing leave. At the door it turned around one last time, smiling that unsettling mockery of a smile again. 

To River it looked more like the baring of teeth…..there was no joy in it, a total absence of anything that even resembled feeling. 

River knew that the only thing the other one was able to feel was the unbreakable determination to survive ……at this moment, River knew she was using this resolve to her own advantage. She was using it to save and protect Serenity………when this was over, the other thing´s determination to survive, no matter how high the price, could be her undoing. River had known that from the moment she had entered into their truce. It was a risk she had to take…..

The other gave her one last look across the room.

" Reavers …." It said maliciously.

 " They have been predators their whole lives………now it´s time for them to see what it´s like to be the prey."

River returned the look, watching the door close, leaving her in the dark. The other thing was in control now ….she had unleashed it on her enemies……..

River shivered. 

She only hoped that she would be able to stop it, before it unleashed itself on her friends.


	17. spiral

DISCLAIMER:  I don´t own Firely, the characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and FOX ……….grrrrrrrrrr

NOTES: OK, took me a while to write this Chapter …..it´s kind of an interlude, so it was a little hard for me. All the wonderful and much appreciated feedback spurs me on to return with something good. I do my best not to disappoint you guys here ……. So I hope you still like what you read! Please continue to let me know…..

Don´t worry the next Chapter is almost done and will be up in a few days!!

I still have a few surprises up my sleeve….

SPIRAL

„ Captain…" 

Malcolm Reynolds jolted awake. For a moment he had thought he had heard Kaylee or Inara crying out for him in sheer terror……but he was alone in his dark cabin. There was no screaming to be heard …….and Inara never called him captain.

" Captain Reynolds …" 

Mal jumped out of bed, grabbing his gun. It was a mere whisper……a voice that sounded very far away.

He could hear contrived breathing……and found himself looking around franticly. This was not his cabin….

" River?"

" Can´t ……" 

Mal heard her husky voice, but he could not see her. She sounded anxious and almost hysterical.

" Don´t have time ……no strength to keep up, I can´t reach this far …..you need to listen!"

" Where are you?"

" They are not after you anymore ….."

" Where are you , River? You need to tell me the coordinates of the shuttle!"

" She did ….something …not just ……..sent messages, can´t say were , she deleted the transmission….." 

Mal heard shrieking and turned around, only to find the darkness moving in on him, erasing the walls and objects around him.

" No time left, I can´t fend her off like this …cannot reach this far …remember what I told you, captain …."

The uncomforting sound of the alarm going off brought Mal back to consciousness.

" We got a signal!" 

Wash´s voice boomed through the entire ship.

" She must have activated the transmitter"

" How long will it take us to get there?" Mal yelled back through the intercom. 

Above him he could hear the racing feet of his crew in the corridor.

" She set a course to intercept  Serenity……at top speed we could catch her in ten hours, maybe less!"

" Set the course, I´ll  come up!"

Malcolm Reynolds could not believe it. She was still alive ….it bordered on a miracle! 

They are not after you anymore ….

The sentence gave Mal goose pimples, it rose to many questions that he did not even want to think about …..that he did not want to have the answer to….

What had she …or this other thing done? 

Or  better yet, what was she capable of?

Malcolm did not want to acknowledge it, but the thought scared the hell out of him.

SHE WANTED HIM TO REMEMBER! 

She was worried and she had told him, she did not trust that truce …..if not even a ship full of Reavers could stop that other thing, as she called it……..what in the ´verse could?

Mal shook his head and angrily rammed his fist into the metal wall.

Gorram´ alliance …….did they even know what they had created? 

Was that why they wanted her back so  badly, because they were not finished with her yet? 

Or did they know …….and they did not want her back, they knew ……and they needed to put an end to it? 

Mal breathed in deep to clear his thoughts before he started to climb the ladder. 

She had been right. 

Lil´River Tam had seen through him, just like she had seen through Jayne. She knew that when push came to shove, he´d do anything to keep Serenity safe……anything.

He only hoped and prayed that she´d have the strength to keep the other thing at bay……..that she´d be the one who prevailed. 

" Alright folks, there she is." Wash said over his shoulder.

" Doesn´t look damaged to me."

Malcolm Reynolds knew that his pilot was referring to the condition of the shuttle.

Behind the pilot seat Zoë, Jayne and Mal stared out of the cockpit- window. Right in front of them floated the lost shuttle peacefully in the blackness of space.

Wash turned to look at them. He did not like the gloomy expression on his wife´s face. 

He shot Zoë a look that served to convey how uncomfortable he felt. She could see that her husband had more news and that he wasn´t sure if they would like it ……..that he wasn´t even sure if he liked it. 

Mal caught the exchange between them.

" What else?" he demanded to know.

" My scanners picked up something else…"

" A ship?" 

" No!" Wash shook his head and turned back to his controls.

" There is no other ship …..I´m not even sure if it´s of any relevance but….."

His fingers raked through his red hair nervously, and the impatient look  from Jayne didn´t help to relax him in any way….

" What is it, Wash?"  Mal inquired again.

" The scanners picked up a pressure-wave….most likely from an explosion."

" That supposed to tell us sumthin´?" Jayne growled. 

Wash feared that the intensity of his stare might be enough to burn a whole through the shuttle.

Mal could see Zoë's brows knit together in dismay.

" Explain, honey."

" Well I took the liberty of following the shuttle´s estimated route towards this point by keeping track of it´s signal , you know? I mean ….since the tracking device was switched back on…….I was able to trace her course backwards to the …."

" In less than fifteen words Wash!" Mal told his pilot.

" The pressure-wave´s point of origin is also the place where our shuttle returned from….."

" So …..what you are saying is that the coordinates of that explosion is where the shuttle was, before the tracking- device was reactivated?"

Wash furrowed up his brow, his eyes wandering between his wife and his captain.

" Didn´t I just say that?"

" Big explosion?" Mal asked uneasily.

Wash shrugged.

" There´s no way to be sure but judging from the pressure-wave……I´d say pretty big."

" Now why in hell doesn´t this surprise me?"

Mal commented with a sideward glance at Jayne, whose eyes were still fixed on the seemingly undisturbed shuttle.

" Anybody here thinkin´what I´m thinkin´? "

" She blew up their whole gorram ship!" Jayne snarled, shaking his head.

Wash blinked a few times, trying to digest that piece of information.

" But …why, …how? Is that even possible?"

Mal gave the mercenary a questioning look.

"We had no explosives on board she could have taken with her, or did we?"

Jayne frowned shaking his head.

" Didn´t take them from my bunk, if that´s what you mean. I had none…..she only took a few of my guns."

" The shuttle is not armed and there was no space- suit either, so how …..maybe it wasn´t her." Zoe said.

" Oh …it was her." Without him realising, Jayne´s hands had balled into fists again. He was trying hard to control his temper, while every fibre of his body felt like screaming.

What had that ruddin´girl gotten herself into?

If he ever saw her alive again, he would make it his top priority to shake some sense into her…….the thought that she could have gotten herself hurt or even killed drove him mad.

What Reavers might do to someone like her …..could it compare to what the alliance had in store for her?

She had told him that she´d rather die than …….Jayne shook his head again. 

Truthfully ……he was kidding himself. If she was still alive ….if she was in that shuttle….all he would do was grab her and hold her as long and tight as humanly possible.

 Once he had peeled her out of Simon´s arms that was ……and then , maybe he´d give her a piece of his mind. 

In his whole life Jayne Cobb had never feared for someone else,  he had been as indifferent as possible to the people around him…….and now he finally knew why. Because to fear for someone else´s life was worse than fearing for one´s own life …..the feeling was consuming him  from the inside.

Since that one night in cargo- bay  so many things had changed 

That gorram´girl …….

" But how could she blow up their ship if she didn´t even have explosives…." Wash asked again.

Mal´s eyes followed Jayne´s look to the shuttle. He squinted and pinched the bridge of his nose.

" She didn´t …..but I bet the Reavers had plenty…….she blew their ship up from the inside." He said into the silence.

" You tried hailing her?"

" Several times " Wash nodded, feeling more and more uncomfortable.

" No answer."

" Didn´t expect none…" Mal countered

" Now why not?"

They all turned to find Simon in the entrance of the cock-pit. His face was red and filled with worry and anger.

" Will you do something instead of talking?" he yelled at them. He couldn´t believe they were still standing there….River could be hurt!

" My sister is in that shuttle!" 

" We´ll see about that, doctor." Mal told him seriously before he turned towards his pilot.

" Let´s haul her in."

They were armed to the teeth. Mal didn´t like it any more than Jayne or Zoë, but after all they did not know who or what really was in that shuttle. 

The worst case scenario was a bunch of pissed off Reavers who did not take kindly to the destruction of their ship…..it was a stretch, but who could really know?

What awaited them when the shuttle-door opened with a mechanic hiss was beyond their wildest imaginations.

There were no Reavers, no devastation inside the shuttle …it was dark and ghostly quiet.

When their eyes fell on River, each of them inhaled deeply, trying to control the feeling of shock and alarm that arose among them.

" Oh my god.." Zoë breathed.

She lay sprawled on the floor, dressed only in a tight tank-top and shorts, her hair stuck to her arms and face. But the worst of it was that from head to toe …..River Tam was caked in blood.


	18. Insight

DISCLAIMER: The Characters are not mine, they belong to Fox and the genius JOSS WHEDON………I only borrow them 

NOTES: Hui ……. As promised the new chapter is up! The next one will be finished this week-end! Thanks for the feedback!!

The Quote in this chapter is from ALICE IN WONDERLAND

INSIGHT

„ Oh god …River!" 

Simon´s shocked outcry pierced the eerie silence inside the shuttle, as he fiercely squeezed by the three of them to get to his sister. He dropped to his knees next to her, turning her onto her back.

For the first time Simon and Jayne experienced exactly the same emotion, they both felt like they couldn´t breathe ….all this blood and River lying there so still…..

" I´ve got a pulse!" Simon uttered, while he brushed River´s tangled hair out of her face.

" She´s alive!"

" It´s not her blood!" Jayne whispered hoarsely.

She was alive ……

 Zoë closed her eyes, she could almost feel the relief wash over all of them.

Even River´s face was covered with droplets of dried blood, her eyes were wide open, pupils dilated and seeing nothing.

Jayne´s hands bunched into fists again, his knuckles white from the pressure.

" We need to get her to sickbay immediately!" Simon´s voice almost broke from the strain to keep his feelings in check.

She was here, his baby sister …..safe, alive, or so it seemed. Even though he cradled her in his arms, she seemed to be far away from him.

" She´s  catatonic ……I need to examine her …I need to help her."

Mal hadn´t said anything. He couldn´t …..it felt like the whole picture in front of him was frozen. All he saw was her ……the young, frail girl covered in blood. 

And he knew what she had done…….at least he was pretty darn sure that he knew.

If this was not River´s blood it had to be Reaver´s blood……….but River had not done this, the other thing had. 

She had let it take control …….and once it had taken over, there had been only one way to stop it. 

She had shut down again.

" Kaylee can not see this!" he finally said coolly. 

" You don´t tell her a thing …I don´t want her worrying…neither her or Inara, understood?"

He looked at Jayne whose face betrayed none of his feelings as he bend down to scoop the unconscious girl up in his arms. For a second he thought that Simon might protest, but then the young doctor nodded and hurried to set up everything he needed in the lab and let the mercenary carry River to sick-bay. 

" You´ll need to clean her up first!"

Mal turned around to find Inara standing in the entry of the shuttle. Her face was set in a determined look as her eyes met his. Both Simon and Jayne must have rushed past her, Mal cursed inwardly ….

" Tell Wash to start the engine and get us out of here…." He told Zoë, who shot him a worried look , " …..and we´d better seal of the shuttle!"

Inara nodded towards Zoë as the tall women passed her, her eyes still fixed on Mal.

" How much did you see?"

" Everything." She answered, her voice neutral and controlled. The years of training paid of even in the most pressing of situations.

" I didn´t mean for you see that." 

" I gathered that much …."

 She hesitated a moment before she took a step towards him. She could see from expression of his face that he already had enough things on his mind. 

After what she had just seen, Inara didn´t feel like giving him a hard time for trying to patronize her.

" I think you are right." Inara told him " Kaylee should not know ……she´s worried enough as it is …..she does not need to see …" The young mechanic would find out soon enough.

Mal lifted an eyebrow at her, obviously surprised.

" You think I´m right? Well that´s definitely a first!"

She gave him an ironic smile.

" Don´t get used to it!"

" So ……"

" I meant what I said ……someone needs to clean her up, wash all this blood off her."

" You volunteering?"

" Better me than her very anxious brother …" Inara answered his question, before she turned around to follow the others to sick-bay.

River looked up as the door opened with a creak and light fell into the empty room.

Sitting in one of the corners, her knees pulled up to her chin, River almost felt like acting out some old fairy-tale or children's story….the kind her daddy used to read to her when she was a small child.

" I´m not crazy!"

" But you have to be .." the Cheshire- cat  said , " ….otherwise you wouldn´t be here!"

She shook her head angrily, staring at the opening door.

This was no children's story, this was her head , her mind …….and she was done being Alice, confused and frightened, stumbling from one crisis, one catastrophe into an even greater one!

She squared her jaw, staring at the other thing as it entered the room, still looking like a reflection of herself.

" A nice predicament you´ve gotten us into again, little sister!" it said testily.

River knew it was referring to their current condition…..her shutting down again until only the life-preserving bodily functions remained; breathing…….

It was the only way that could have gotten the thing´s attention once it had taken over. It would have not stopped out of it´s own accord……

" You didn´t think I would let you get back on Serenity with you in charge of this body, did you?"

River said as she got to her feet.

" I will not let you use the lives of Serenity´s crew  as pawns in your game to establish control! This is between you and me …….it has nothing to do with them!" she added angrily.

" Still so suspicious" her mirror image hissed at her,  taunting her while moving closer.

" After everything I´ve done …."

" You did what you had to do to prevail, the Reavers were as much a threat to you as to me or the crew. We would not have survived this if we had not caught them by surprise."

" Maybe so …I still did it for us, for you and this is what you call thankfulness?"

River shook her head.

" No …I call it self-preservation " 

" You and them ……you´d be dead if it wasn´t for me!"

River gasped as she tapped into their shared memory………flashes of what had happened on the Reaver-ship made her squeeze her eyes shut. What she saw was enough to make her stomach turn ………the short images chilled her to the bone.

She forced herself to open her eyes and stare at the thing´s face, her face ……cold and still like a mask. 

" I wouldn´t have been in this situation if it weren't for you! Neither me …nor the.!" River yelled  back, all the anger and grief she felt flooded her voice, so that she almost chocked on her own words.

The thing tilted it´s head to the side, mimicking River´s gesture perfectly and looked at her with something like curiosity in it´s dark, cunning eyes.

River breathed heavily, trying to control the rage boiling inside of her. She knew that was what caught the things interest, the emotion…….the flood of raw feeling that radiated from her. She could see fascination in it´s eyes, a distinct clinical interest and she couldn´t help but feel a deep rooted satisfaction.

It might be in her head, but no matter what happened……..her feelings were her own, something it could not imitate or influence, not even understand. It could take over her body, but it could never be her. 

" I know what you did!" she finally said as they started circling each other.

"I know about the messages you sent. After all this is my mind, you are only the parasite, the invader! I know you sent to messages while you were in charge, before you set off the bomb……I just haven´t figured out to whom …yet, the alliance I guess." 

The thing hissed at her maliciously, baring it´s teeth.

" You betrayed me first, sister!" It returned very calmly.

" You used me, don´t think I don´t know that! You told your captain about me……we share a memory, but just like you, I don´t see the whole picture. I have no way of discerning what exactly you told him, but it doesn´t matter anymore. I will deal with that once I´m done with you!"

River shook her head again. The truce was over …….whatever they had shared for that short moment before the attack had evaporated into dust and smoke. The connection she had felt with her nemesis on their common ground was gone.

" No…" she whispered almost sadly.

" This will end now…..the line will be drawn here! You know that I cannot ……I will not share my mind or body with you!"

" I don´t want to share ……." It returned matter- of- factly. 

" Ahhh…… but yes, not just your mind, but your body too………it´s a weird thing, isn´t it? You didn´t mind sharing your body with someone else, I can see it in our memory……..the fighter.."

" He is no concern of yours!" River told her mirror-image coldly.

The thing nodded, baring it´s teeth again in the mockery of a smile.

" You are right ………we have talked long enough, it´s time for you to go!"

With a speed and agility that surprised even River the thing rushed forward, catching her unprepared.

She could feel the thing´s fingers gliding into her hair, grabbing her. She felt searing pain as her head was pulled back violently.

" Time for you to leave me, little sister!" it whispered softly into her ear before it pushed her through the open door.

All River could do was scream …..


	19. Flare

DISCLAIMER: 

Fox owns everything along with Mutant Enemy…Except me! I on the other hand don´t own anything, neither these great characters nor this brilliant show!

Notes: NO quotes in this one! Hihihi ……

Thanks again for the feedback, can´t believe this storyline is developing this quickly in my head …don´t worry, this is far from over!!

It was a forceful, massive shove that catapulted River through the open door. She could feel her head snap back while she pivoted through the air. She saw the sky above her, empty and dark without a moon or stars and it almost seemed to her that she fell for an eternity before her body crashed hard on the desert sand. 

River felt her teeth rattle from the impact, the taste of blood filling her mouth. In some distant corner of her mind she knew that it was all an illusion……but it seemed real enough.

From the black sand and the wind howling in her ears, tugging at her clothing, River could tell they were on the other things territory now …..the dark place. She´d been here before.

Still dizzy, River tried to pull herself off the ground, but before she could even get up another powerful blow sent her flying again. 

Lying on her back, River coughed violently. She propped herself up on her elbows, blinking a few times. 

The other thing towered over her with a malicious sneer. It didn´t look like her anymore, the thing had turned back into it´s black, gleaming insect-form as it reached for her with pointed, shiny claws. 

" My territory…." It cackled wickedly, mimicking River´s voice.

" ….my rules!"

Simon was at a loss, trying to overcome his growing panic.

For two hours everything had been fine; after he had assessed his sister's status and determined that she was not hurt and that -  apart from some dehydration and the obvious catatonia -  River was stabile,  Inara had ordered them all out while she washed the blood off River.

Afterwards the crew had filed in and out of sickbay, still shaken and edgy about everything that had come to pass, but River´s condition had not changed. 

Jayne and the captain had taken turns glowering around with grim faces to no avail. They both seemed nervous and jumpy, waiting for something to happen. Simon could tell they were both not used to waiting, not that he had expected something like patience from Jayne!

Simon still hadn´t gotten used to the fact that Zoë and the captain both seemed to have accepted the fact that the mercenary had a certain right to hang around the lab, due to his indefinable connection  to River. 

Simon did not like it one bit, no matter what his sister had told him, but he had no time to ponder the thought.

A few minutes ago his sister´s body had started shaking uncontrollably. Simon could not find any medical cause for the seizure, but then again he could not completely determine if she had any imperceptible damage to the brain……..for the hundredth time since he and River had arrived on Serenity Simon found himself cursing the limited medical possibilities the small sick-bay offered.

River´s eyes had rolled back into her head, while her body convulsed. 

Simon´s thoughts raced through his head as he went through the different medications and drugs, considering a treatment.

" Gorrammit!" he heard Jayne growl under his breath with an almost frantic look at the captain. Both men were trying to hold River´s shuddering body down, to keep her from falling off the gurney.

Simon´s eyes widened with shock when he realized what had elicited Jayne´s uproar.

A thin, but distinct stream of blood had started to run out of his sister´s left nostril. 

Jayne ground his teeth.

She was going to die on them ………gorrammit! 

He could almost feel her slipping away. 

Ruddin´hell, he thought, don´t do this River …….fight, gorrammit……..you did not survive the alliance or almost being burned to a cinder by a bunch of mountainfolk  or  the Reavers  to die on a ruddin´gurney! 

The possibility of losing her after all was unthinkable. 

He could not believe that this ruddin´girl would spent all this energy and determination on winning him over just to die on him now, she never gave in …….it wasn´t like River Tam. 

He had been wound way too tight ever since they had found the shuttle. When she had started convulsing suddenly, Jayne felt ready to jump out of his skin.

" Gorrammit, do sumthin´!" he yelled at Simon.

Mal´s look went from Jayne´s reserved face too Simon and then back to River.

There was something …a little voice deep inside his mind, something River had said …..something…

You will remember ……

It came rushing back to him like the tide…..the drugs ……she had told him about the drugs, she had known this might happen.

Breathing deep Mal stepped back from the gurney, looking at Jayne again.

"Put her on the ground!"

"What?" Jayne snapped " Have you lost your gorram´mind?"

" I said take her off that thing and lay her on the ground, now!"

Jayne hesitated for a mere second before he scooped her up  and carefully placed her still shaking body on the floor.

" Captain…" Simon tried to cut in, but Mal simply ignored him. He distinctively remembered the dream …..Simon might be a problem. 

" Hold him back!" he ordered Jayne, before he quickly went to the cabinet where the doctor kept his drugs.

" You can´t do that!" Simon shouted, moving to follow him, but Jayne grabbed him from behind and twisted his arms onto his back. Simon let out a pained yelp, struggling against Jayne´s grasp. 

" Wanna fill me in on what it is you´re doing here?" Jayne asked, nervously watching Mal pull up a syringe from different vials. 

Now he had no problem with getting a little rough on the doctor, but something about this whole thing did not sit quiet right with him. Mal was no doctor for one and Jayne was torn between complying with Mal´s order and guarding River.

" What are you doing …" Simon interrupted, still struggling to free himself, even though there was no use. Jayne had his arms in steel-grip, Simon could just  as well struggle against a rock. 

Mal was not quiet sure himself …..what was he doing? He couldn´t even pronounce the  names of the drugs he was pulling up, much less did he know how they worked……..but he knew with a surprising certainty how much to pull up. 

He remembered……

When he was done Mal moved over to River, kneeling down beside her.

" You cannot do this, you´ll kill her!" Simon screamed hysterically.

" Mal….." Jayne hissed threateningly, but not about to release Simon from his grasp.

Mal looked up from the shaking girl. The blood from her nose was slowly trailing down her cheek, pooling beneath her ear.

" Do you trust her ?" he asked calmly, his eyes fixed on the mercenary.

Jayne could feel sweat beading on his forehead as he returned his captain´s intense stare.

What the gorram hell was going on here…..

" Yes."

" Would you trust her with your life?"

Jayne cast a look over the unconscious girl, her whole body shaking violently.

He nodded hesitantly. Hell yeah …he couldn´t say why but he did trust her. He trusted her with the one thing he had never entrusted to anybody…..something else than his life…..

" Then trust her with her own life!" Mal told him, before his eyes wandered to Simon.

" I´m sorry doctor, but that we have to use force on you…..I don´t like it anymore than you do, but your sister told me you´d never go along with this , so you leave me no choice. What I do here is exactly what she told me to do in this case!"

Simon struggled even more, a more or less feral growl escaped him.

" You don´t know what you are doing!" he spat at the captain.

Had everyone gone insane?

He closed is eyes as the captain held Rivers upper arm still with one hand so the needle would not break from her convulsion when he inserted it.

" You killed her!" he whispered in a  tone of resignation.

Jayne released the young doctor the moment Mal put away the syringe.

" You killed her…" Simon repeated, as he fell down on his kness, pressing his right palm onto his sister´s forehead.

The seizure subsided very slowly, in turn River´s breathing grew more and more strenuous.

River tried to breathe but found that she couldn´t. She was lying on her stomach while the thing held her down with what had to be one of it´s knees between her shoulder blades. It was pushing her head down into the sand, trying to smother her.

River thrashed about violently, forcing herself not to breathe. She could not afford to choke on the fine sand. So far all her fighting back was to no avail……and she was rapidly loosing strength.

She could not hold on much longer …….

Suddenly she felt a powerful surge run through her body. She stopped moving, lying very still.

For a second she feared that she had been mistaken, that she had been wrong, but then she felt it again. Like an electric charge buzzing through her, making her whole body hum …..

The drugs ……..it had to be …..this was her one and only chance, it was either now or never…..

River pulled herself together, her whole body still straining for oxygen. She took all her remaining strength and spun around, throwing her opponent off her. 

She heard faint laughter as she shakily got back on her feet, pushing her tangled hair out of her faith.

" Ahhh….." the thing said coolly, " …so there´s some life left in you after all!"

River took a few deep breaths.

" I´ve had enough of you!" she answered angrily, wiping the blood from her torn lip.

Still breathing heavily, she stepped forward.

" This is not your playground anymore and I´m done serving as your favourite toy! This is my mind and you are not welcome here anymore, you never were! I want you out!" 

The thing moved backwards gracefully, obviously surprised by this new development. River could feel it´s cautiousness. Something had changed, something beyond it´s perception  and control, the thing felt it too……..a shift had taken place.

It´s beady insect eyes seized her up with renewed interest.

" Even if you succeed in killing me in here, you cannot win, little sister!" it snarled warningly.

" I´m by far not your biggest problem! Think about the things we could do, what we could accomplish together……we are sisters you and I!"

" Stop calling me that!" River yelled, rushing forward. 

The thing evaded her by an inch, quickly moving out of her reach, snickering evilly. 

" You are not a part of me, no sibling of mine….not even part of my own mind! I have nothing in common with you!"

Saying that River tried to suppress the thought that there indeed were a few things she shared with her nemesis……the training, the knowledge her mind and body had been conditioned with  at the so called academy ……even if she managed to eradicate it, these things would most likely prevail.

" Aw …..family, an overrated concept as you will find out in time.  But then again ……

I´m not tied down with emotions like you are. They cut both ways, you know ? Your precious brother who saved the little princess  from the dark tower, but failed to free her from the demons that haunt her. He proved to be quiet insufficient when it came to saving you from the monsters that dwell in your soul…" 

" There was only one!" River returned coolly. " Only you…….he couldn´t know! It was not his fault!"

" And your parents….your dear, loving, parents who set so many high hopes in you and your brother!" it continued unperturbed. 

" Your parents whom Simon implored to help you…….they did not raise a finger, didn´t even inquire after you despite of your brother´s fears." 

" They didn´t know better!" 

Obsidian black eyes bore into River. 

" What makes you think they did not know….."

River gaped at the thing wide-eyed. For a moment she felt unable to breathe……..what the thing was implying was just …….

River couldn´t even draw a single breath, she felt like someone had just kicked her in the gut.

" You lie!" she finally whispered.

" You´d say anything .."

" Do I ?" it answered calmly.

" It seems I might hold some secrets after all."

" Lies …..it´s all lies, just like everything you ever told me!"

River knew that was not  entirely true……

She gasped, unable to control the rage boiling inside of her. But this was a lie …it had to be, another deception like the voices. By now she should know better……….but there were things …….it had not lied to her about the Reavers, or other dangers …..it had helped her with Niska´s men and the bounty-hunter …….it had never tried to conceal the fact that it had sent messages ….

She shook her head………it had to be a lie!

" This is just another one of your ploys to stay alive! But I´m done being manipulated by your deceit! I control my own destiny, whatever the alliance wants from  me…they´ll never get it! I´m my own master!"

The thing bobbed it´s gleaming, dark head and bared it´s white, pointed teeth.

" Very well …….then this is how it starts!"

River shook her head, marvelling in the buzz the drugs gave her, hoping that her synaptic system could take it.

" I haven´t even begun!" River said grimly. " This is where it ends!"

Next Chapter up soon!!


	20. The Price

DISCLAIMER: Firefly and the characters are the property of Mutant Enemy and Fox. I just like to play with them ( even though I´d much rather watch them on TV)

Notes: Still with me?? Yes, yes …..here goes the showdown, might be a little bit grisly, but it had to be ……

The story is far from over!

THE PRICE

In the blink of an eye the thing jumped for her, screeching angrily. It touched the ground right in front of her, sharp claws rushing for River´s neck. 

River smiled fiercely. She didn´t even make the effort to step aside. Instead she caught the other thing´s wrists swiftly, mere seconds before they reached the soft, exposed skin of her throat. One of the claws reached her none the less, drawing blood, but River didn´t flinch. 

The drugs were still buzzing through her system, she didn´t even feel the injury…..

The thing roared furiously as she forced it´s arms down slowly.

Leaning forward very carefully, River smiled and looked into the black oblivion of it´s eyes.

" This was your last mistake!" she whispered passionately.

" I told you, but you did not listen! You still thought that I wouldn´t really harm you…..that I would really kill you, but I told you so when we met by the lake!"

The thing changed back into her. River breathed deep…..it was like looking into a mirror. She knew it was nothing but a new trick, another attempt to manipulate her……..could she hurt herself? 

Could she kill herself?

" You don´t have it in you!" the thing told her softly, staring back at her.

" What?" River hissed, careful not to loosen her grip on her mirror image´s wrists.

" Cruelty…you are not a killer!" 

" We´ll see…." 

In an instant River brought her knee up and rammed it into the things chest until she was awarded with the sound of cracking rips.

The thing stared at her in pure amazement. For the first time River could see something like understanding in her enemy´s eyes………the realization that there might be the faintest possibility that she might win this, that she would be the one to prevail.

The thing elicited an angry sound, somewhere between a moan and a gasp.

" You were wrong.." River said calmly, trying to suppress the sadness she felt.

" I don´t need to be a killer to end you here………you can´t be killed since you have never been alive! You are unfinished, incomplete……without their help you can never overwhelm my mind. You don´t feel, you don´t grieve ……you have no conscience, no concept of life. You are not even a part of my mind……"

The thing looked at her with a feral snarl. 

River couldn´t help but feel for it ….after all that had happened, when she looked at it now she saw right through the camouflage. It looked like her, it used her voice…..but it was not her. When she looked into it´s face, it´s eyes……there was nothing, just emptiness.

In this moment River knew she had won.

The joke was on the alliance, River thought to herself …..poetic justice; the things the alliance had conditioned her with would now help her beat the demon they had planted in her mind.

She focused on her opponent, suddenly throwing itself at her. It tried to grab her, she could almost feel cold hands on her shoulder, but River ducked away.

Taking another step towards her the thing threw an enormous punch at her face with all it´s force..

It didn´t even reach her. Her hand caught the fist in mid-air, gripping it with her fingers, and squeezed. The things claw exploded like an overly ripe fruit. 

Her nemesis was to stunned to scream, it simply clutched it´s arm with it´s other hand and stared at the damage River had inflicted. 

His eyes red with anger, baring it´s teeth, it charged at her again. River whirled around, punching her small fist into her double's chest, putting all her weight behind the blow. The cracking of bones was almost drowned out by the howling wind.

Her fingers moved through ribs and skin like bullets piercing their target, without obvious resistance. There was a strange hissing sound as River´s white hand moved in a scarlet blur, pulling out of the wound.

Without a sound her enemy went down and River found herself sinking to the desert floor with it.

Blood ran from it´s nose and mouth, even the corners of it´s eyes, to River it almost looked like the thing was crying blood red tears.

" Who thought …..you had it in you after all, little sister!" 

River gave a strangled cry and found tears streaming down her own face, cradling her mirror image in her arms.

" You won…" it rasped , coughing up more blood, drawing shuddering, irregular breaths.

River gazed into it´s eyes, biting her lip in order to force herself to stop crying.

" I´m sorry.." she whispered.

" Don´t be …I would not have shown mercy with you, much less mourned you….we both know that!"

" But you were made that way…."

" Even so …..we could have been invincible together, you and I!"

River shook her head, while it gasped for air.

" I want to give you something…..the truth, my parting gift if you will."

River felt it´s cold hand raised to her temple and threw her head back in pain and confusion as a thousand blurred images exploded behind her eyes. Memories, facts……all racing through her mind . 

At the same timer she saw the expression on the thing´s face change into a malevolent grin.

" ……and as for defeating me…….I may be gone, but you will pay the price for casting me out!" 

River screamed from the onslaught, violently struggling free, pushing the dead things head from her lap. Unable to get up from the ground River crawled away.

Then it was over, like a flash of lightning in the sky.

With an ear piercing cry River bolted upright, only to find herself blinded by the labs harsh lights. She jumped off the gurney, pressing herself to the wall, blinking.

" River.."

She heard Simon´s voice, felt herself being pulled into his warm embrace. 

He caressed her hair, repeating over and over again…

" You´re okay, thank heavens ,River….You are alright."

He stepped back from her, cradling her face in his hands, looking at her in complete wonder.

River creased up her brow and smiled back at him mildly. Over his shoulder she could see several figures staring at them.

Taking her eyes off her brother's contented face, River let her eyes wander through the sickbay.

" We did it …" she whispered with a sigh of relief.

" You got me out, you saved me from the academy…"

Simon furrowed his brow, brushing loose strands of hair out of her face.

" Yes..I did!" he said finally, his face slowly filling with worry.

River smiled at him, sighing heavily. She felt an overwhelming wave of joy and relief wallowing up from deep inside of her, she drew a deep breath, forcing tears from her eyes.

" Thank god, Simon………it was horrible, you can´t image what they did …I …"

She could see her brother shaking his head and interrupted her ranting.

" Are you ok?"

" You remember?" Simon asked quietly.

" You remember what they did to you?"

River shook her head, trying to contain the memories his question brought up.

" Not everything, they had me sedated …I think …..but that is over now, you saved me!"

She laughed like the happy young girl Simon remembered from so long ago, her eyes roaming around the room again, over Mal and Jayne and the rest of the crew standing in the doorway, obviously not recognizing her environment or the people that surrounded them.

" Where are we?" 

she asked him attentively 

" Who are these people?"


	21. Spoils of War

Disclaimer: You know the drill ...I own pretty much nothing while Fox and Mutant Enemy own pretty much everything

Notes:  Once more with feeling ...hihi......

Thanks again to all you kind reviewers!!!!  I feel really, really honoured that there are people out there who enjoy this story so much and I am very proud that you guys like it! As long as you are interested I will continue to write ...still got plenty of ideas!!! So thanks again and again!!!!

Also my undying gratitude goes out to my best friend Franzy! Without your support I would  never gotten this far .....

Spoils of War

„ So ……she doesn´t remember anything?"

Simon let his gaze wander over the people who were assembled around the dining table in the common area. To his right sat Zoe and Mal, to his left Jayne and Wash, Inara sat alone at the far end of the table, mirrowing the captain´s worried expression. Kaylee and Book had volunteered to stay in sickbay to watch over River while she slept, so that Simon could brief the rest of the crew on her status. 

Simon sighed.

To be honest he didn´t really know how to answer the captain´s question.

He had examined River very thourouhgly, careful not to explain the whole situation to her before he hadn´t completely dertermined how much his sister remembered. As it turned out River was still dehydrated, but otherwise healthy and the last thing she remembered was Simon smuggling her out of the academy.

" She´s lucid, a little agitated and obviously exhausted from whatever she must have gone through. " he explained cautiously. 

" Shiny!" Mal said with a distinct undertone of impatience in his voice.

" But how much does she remember, doctor?"

" Well....." Simon hesitated for a moment. 

" So far she does not remember a thing after I gave her the injection to make her sleep so she wouldn´t panic in the transport- pod......the one she came on board in, remember? It seems as though River has no recollection whatsoever  of anything that happened beyond that exact point of time. She doesn´t even remember waking up on Serenity when you opened the pod. What you saw in the lab was her thinking that she had just come to ......after she escaped. "

Mal´s eyebrows rose high  enough to make contact with his hairline.

" And the rest? Ariel, the Reavers.....almost being burned at the stake....and everything else?"

Jayne felt his crewmates´ looks settle on him, but he didn´t look up. He didn´t mean to make  a show of how this news affected him, so the mercenary kept on staring at his boots, his face set. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Mal giving him a quick once over look to see how he would digest the facts.

Simon shook his head, avoiding to glance in Jayne´s direction. 

" So far she remembers nothing......the trauma she suffered from whatever the alliance scientists did to her is gone, completely. She´s not confused or drifting in and out of an altered state. She is a little shaken, but the most important thing for her seems to be that she has escaped that place ......she´s almost happy."

Simon couldn´t help but smile.

" She´s almost the girl she was before all this happened .....older but still..."

Mal looked at the young doctor with a furrowed brow, it was obvious that Simon was more than pleased with the surprising outcome of his sister´s escapade. A part of Mal could understand that......not only didn´t they need to worry about a ship filled with Reavers chasing after Serenity anymore, but the doctor also had his little sister back safe and sound, without any of the nasty baggage the alliance had bestowed on her.

Another part of him however didn´t trust the sudden resolution of their problem..........he didn´t doubt for a second that the girl sleeping in sickbay was really River and not the thing she had warned them about, the thing that wanted to take over .......but that didn´t mean that the conditioning she had received, her knowledge, her precognitions were gone too.

Obviously River Tam had won the war with her inner demon....and now it was plain to see at what price that victory had come.

" It makes sense..." Mal finally said into the silence, giving Jayne another glance.

 The mercenary still ignored the attention the others were giving him, waiting for his reaction. He just sat there, staring at some point on the wall behind Simon, his face not betraying his feelings. It didn´t surprise Mal that Jayne didn´t want to make a display of his thoughts or feelings on this matter.......he would have kept that to himself too. 

Though Mal suspected that one of the things that went through the mercenary´s mind was the wish to punch Simon straight into his face. 

Mal understood the young doctor´s happiness about the result of River´s struggle, but there was a bitter taste to Simon´s glee that even Mal couldn´t deny.

" What do you mean, Sir?" Zoe asked curiously.

" River was fighting that thing the alliance had implanted in her mind, told me that she needed to kill it in her thoughts in order to free herself from it´s interference and influence."

Mal eloborated, remembering the dream he had had of River.

" When she told me which drugs to use on her, she also mentioned that she wasn´t sure what would happen to her if she managed to kill it...... in her mind. She had a nifty plan, that´s for sure and it seems to have played out the way she intended it too but......."

" But what?" Simon looked at the captain in confusion, a hurt expression on his face. 

There was still a little voie inside of him that chided his sister for not confiding in him.....

Mal looked Simon straight in the eye, knowing exactly what Simon´s problem was.

" Your sister wasn´t sure if she´d survive. And if she did, as I said before, she didn´t seem to know what might happen .....what that thing might take from her. I guess now we know....."

" But is that even possible?" Wash cut in, looking at his wife for support.

" I mean.....people who get hit over the head or have an accident sometimes loose their memory, I´ve heard about that, but can you wipe out someone´s memory of only a certain period of time?"

" Yeah .....selektive amnesia, does something like that even exist?" Zoe enquired.

Simon made a face, not quite sure how to answer the question. 

He shot Jayne an uncomfortable look. The fact that the tall men to his left didn´t even participate in the discussion made him a little nervous. After all Jayne was the one person who this development would affect the most, but he just sat there, staring off into space with an unreadable expression on his face. Simon feared that the tall man would simply explode sooner or later and probably try to just ......strangle him on the spot. 

He had never made a secret about his thoughts on the idea of his sister having ........some connection with that man. 

" I have to admit that a trauma like that is not really my field of expertise. I don´t have a lot of experience with amnesia- patients, but from what I could deduce from the tests ......it´s gotta be something like that. However I cannot determine to an absolute certainty that my sister won´t regain her memory of the past few months......."

" How likely is that , doctor?"

 Mal shot Inara a surprised look as she joined the discussion at last.

" It´s extremely hard to say .....as I said I don´t have a lot of experience..."

At Mal´s impatient glare Simon interrupted himself an took a deep breath. 

The moment of truth had come. He knew that he owed the captain and the crew,-  even Jayne-  the truth after all the times they had put their lives and security on the line for him and River........

But he had just....finally gotten his sister back, not the scared, confused girl that made his heart ache with all her pain, not the girl that drifted in and out of sanity, but his real sister......

" In cases such as these...." he answered diffidently, 

"I think that it partly depends on us if River regains her memory or not. It depends to some extent on the question if we want her to remember or not."

Simon risked another glance at Jayne. When he didn´t react Zoe spoke up.

" Explain..." 

" People who suffer from a condition like this sometimes regain their memory if it is triggered by something specific. One usually stimulates the memory with details of  certain events.........say we would have repeated talks with River about what happened, recounting the last months from our point of view. That might help her to remember......but I´m not entirely sure. It might work. The question remains if we want River to go through all this again....the escape, her altered mental state .....the men with the blue gloves."

Mal nodded, understanding where Simon was headed. 

Did a young girl like River really need to remember  all the pain and suffering she had been through?

Did she need the memories of being haunted by evil scientists, of being controlled by some science-project in her mind..........of slaughtering a whole ship filled with Reavers?

Mal would have bet Serenity that these were the exact things going through all their minds ......even Jayne´s, though his expression was still unreadable.

But there were also good memories ......the way she had talked about Jayne, Mal could tell that there were feelings there. She had seen something in him that nobody had seen .......she had fought for it, stood up against him and her brother.......even against Jayne himself in order to hold on to whatever it was they had.

Mal cleared his throat.

" So what you are telling us is that it really is our decision?" he asked into the pressing  silence that had fallen over the assembly.

" In a way...yes." Simon answered, giving Mal an almost pleading look.

" We can decide what is best for her......with all the things she has been through she might actually have a chance to find peace now."

Mal could tell from the uncomfortable looks Zoe and Wash were exchanging that they´d rather not have anything to do with that decision. It was something Malcolm Reynolds understood perfectly.

Inara´s eyes lingered on Jayne for a second, before they fixed on Mal.

" Don´t you think that River should have a say in this ?" she demanded to know.

" You can´t just decide for her if she should remember a part of her own life or not! She´s not a child and I think she should have the right to choose for herself ...."

" She can never know!"

Jayne ground out between his teeth. Everybody stared at him as he finally spoke up. His voice was completely controlled and his stony expression didn´t give a hint at what he was feeling.

He could almost sense Simon´s relief at his words and surpressed the urge to punch  River´s brother in the gut. What was the ruddin ´use, anyway? It would make him  look like a sore looser........

" Leave the gorram girl be, ok?" he told the people around him as he got up from the table.

" Her brother is right, she deserves some ruddin´peace after all the crap she´s been through.......she´s free now. No more voices , no more fighting for control ......"

Jayne could tell from  Inara´s expression that she didn´t like the idea one bit, but he didn´t care. 

" Any of you think she needs to remember that she killed all those ruddin´ Reavers by herself and in a gorram massacre from the looks of it ? Just leave her be......that´s all I gotta say about it! Just make sure that nobody tells her about anything, got it? I´ll be in my bunk!"

 Mal watched Jayne´s broad back as he retreated into the corridor and finally was out of sight.

Then his eyes returned to the doctor.

" You heard the man ...I think that´s the decision you were leanin´towards, doctor. Looks like you got it." 

Simon nodded at the captain.

" Thank you ....I´ll go and check on River now."

" Right....." Mal looked around.

" So we´re all clear on the plan? We keep that whole River thing under covers......no talk about killing or crazyness ot shooting Niska´s men, right? I´ll tell Kaylee and Book....."

Zoe and Wash nodded before exchanging looks and heading towards their own bunk.

Suddenly Mal found himself alone with Inara. 

The companion stared at the table with a sad expression as though she was pondering something new. 

" Who would have thought ..." she muttered after a short while, her eyes meeting Mal´s.

" The ogre seems to have grown himself a heart."

Mal shook his head with a bitter grin.

" Oh ...I think it was always there ......something about lil´River Tam just brought it out in the open .....seems to have dragged his conscience out from it´s hiding place too while she was at it!" Mal mused.

 " Never thought I´d see Jayne Cobb do something so darn selfless..........he really had something with her, I didn´t get it but ......there was something and he just gave it up and walked away because he thinks that´s the right thing to do."

Inara looked at him, her face serious.

" That´s why this won´t work ,Mal! I meant what I said.......so you might want to go and talk to Jayne and Simon. Reconsider this stupid idea. No matter what Simon or Jayne or you think is best for River, it will not work out the way you want it to."

Mal returned Inara´s stare, lifting an eyebrow at the incredibly beautiful woman at the other end of the table. In the dim lighting of the common-area her perfect skin shone like silk and only the faintest trace of her perfum lingered in the air. She smelled clean, sweet and yet spicy, an exotic and doubtlessly exclusive scent that never failed to enthrall him. Of course he would never admit how much it affected him.

" I think it might be better this way, Inara. Just imagine she would have to cope with whatever she did on that Reaver ship .......it ´s better for all concerned that we don´t know. The things she must have done ......all the blood, she was completely drenched in it!"

" I cleaned her up!" Inara reminded him gravely, still not taking is point.

" All these bad memories ......I htink she might be better off that way. Even Jayne thinks so."

Inara shook her head, sighing under her breath. She wouldn´t persuade him, but she needed him to at least think about some things.

"That may be so, but there are some things that people don´t forget ......your body, your senses, your blood doesn´t forget. Feelings are more than memories, Mal .....you can´t forget what you feel for someone, it´s out of your hands. Emotions have a life of their own." 

Inara got to her feet gracefully, before heading towards her shuttle she turned back to Mal who was still watching her.

" There is one thing I have learned in my life, Malcolm Reynolds; there are some truths that noone can sweep under the rug or smooth over with lies or even amnesia. No matter how hard you try to cover them up, no matter how deep you dig to bury them ......these truths will always fight their way back up to the surface, back into the light. Some truths never die, Mal.....they want to be told." 

To be continued ...


	22. Heaven and Hellfire

Disclaimer: Don´t own them, please don´t sue me!

Notes: I will never tire of saying : THANK YOU for the feedback, it really means a lot you guys!! 

This chapter is more of an interlude …I hope I´ll have the next one ready by Sunday……then things will start moving again. So please bear with me if this little ditty is not up to your expectations! 

HEAVEN AND HELLFIRE

Jayne opened his eyes. Staring at the ceiling in his bunk he covered his face with both hands, eliciting a frustrated groan. 

No use in  even trying to fall asleep, like he hadn´t been trying for hours!

It was almost as if he could see her face in his mind……and the gorram girl was wearing one hell of an angry scowl.

Everytime he closed his eyes it felt like she was whispering in his ear…..and River had a lot of things to say, most of them very unpleasant. 

Jayne knew she´d never understand their decision. It was the right thing …….but the ruddin´girl wouldn´t care! 

She´d give him a piece of her mind if she knew…….and boy, could she talk! He know that from experience!

 Good thing he wouldn´t have to argue with her over this, she´d never know…….

Taking a deep breath Jayne pulled his pillow from under his head and threw it against the far away wall in one fluent motion. 

It smelled of lavender, smelled of her …….and as much as he wanted to pretend that things were resolved now………

River was still there with him in his ruddin´ bunk, like a ghost ……and some malignant voice in his head didn´t tire of pointing out that she´d never ever leave. The memory of them together would linger, just like that faint lavender- scent. 

He needed to get a new gorram´ pillow as soon as they arrived on another planet.

He ground his teeth. 

He should have known better with that girl……..she had managed to pry him open, started to care…….and all that had gotten him was…

She´d be mad as hell if she knew, would have a real tantrum …. That thought almost made him smile. She sure had a temper, all that spirit even when she had been out of her mind.

He´d have to stay clear of her……that´s what he´d do …..best ruddin´thing for all concerned.

River adapted fast. It took her less than a week to assimilate to the crew …….the speed of her miraculous recovery scared Simon sometimes. He remained watchful for any sign of sudden relapse, but his sister grew stronger and healthier every day. 

There still was a decent amount of nightmares and insomnia to deal with, but as far as Simon could see his little sister was pretty much the same attentive, lively, soft spoken girl he remembered. 

She still didn´t like to talk about the tests they had performed at the academy……her memories were hazy due to the heavy amount of sedatives the alliance scientists had administered in a very high dosage……..that much she remembered. But there were long periods of time of which River had no recollection ……Simon tried not to think about that too much. He was too happy to have River back. 

River herself sensed her brother´s weariness sometimes, caught the looks he was giving her when he thought she wasn´t paying attention.

They took up cargo on some remote moon. River suspected that, even though the crew didn´t say anything, they were at least part time smugglers. 

She didn´t mind. To her everything that had happened since she woke up was a big adventure filled with opportunities. 

The people treated her with a hidden caution that she didn´t quite understand, but most of them were friendly and understanding. 

Most of them …….the tall mercenary barely acknowledged her existence, never talked to her and mostly kept to himself. River secretly called him the grumpy one. He spent most of the time working out with the very likeable preacher or cleaning his vast collection of guns. 

River wasn´t quite sure why, but the picture of the tall, silent man maintaining his weaponry always calmed her. It had a soothing effect on her that reminded River of something fairly familiar that she couldn´t grasp……every time she tried to concentrate on the thought it slipped from her mind.

By the time they had delivered the cargo to a group of settlers on a planet so far away from the core that it excited River, she had befriended Serenity´s young mechanic.

Kaylee was only a few years older than River and after a few careful approaches from River´s side, she got over her apprehension.

After all,  Kaylee kept reminding herself, this was not the crazy River anymore …not the girl who had killed Niska´s men and the Reavers in cold blood.

Once she had gotten over her anxiety she and River became fast friends and Kaylee delighted in having a real girl as a friend. Another girl to laugh with, to talk about all kinds of girly things ……..she even taught River to help her fix the engine. Simon´s sister was a quick study.

River really liked Kaylee, it had taken her about a day to register that the pretty mechanic had a thing for her brother. From then on it had been River´s secret pleasure to make Simon squirm by asking tons of innocent yet sneaky questions about her ……..it was plain to see that he liked Kaylee too. 

Three weeks after her recovery the life on board Serenity had gone back to as much of a routine as Mal could imagine ….. River had made herself useful in all kinds of strange ways. She had been helping out Wash with the navigation once or twice, since she was considerable good with numbers, she had helped the preacher with the cooking from time to time and her attachment to Kaylee, their friendship was a beautiful thing to behold. Lil´Kaylee had even started to let River help her with repairs.

Mal still didn´t know what to do about Jayne who pretty much kept to himself most of the time. After Inara´s warning words Mal had been just a little giddy. In fact he had been waiting for catastrophe to strike …..for a big explosion of badness to go off, but now that it hadn´t come…..Mal started to allow himself to relax.

Still there were times when it became painfully obvious that the training River had received, the things she could do ……they hadn´t died with the thing in  her head. Neither Simon nor Mal were completely sure if River was aware of them or not. She still had precognitions……minor ones like knowing which kind of tool Kalee would ask her for before she did. 

She was still a genius apart from that, able to calculate a route in her head just as fast as the computer……so far that didn´t worry Mal. It merely rattled Kaylee in the beginning, but once she had gotten used to that River and her had entered in the most amazing partnership. When Kaylee made alterations or repairs River would sit next to her, handing her the appropriate tools without Kaylee needing to interrupt their conversation. She just knew ……and Kaylee had found that to be mighty useful, more time for girly talk ….

Four weeks later, during one of their repair sessions, while the rest of the crew was loading Serenity with new cargo, River suddenly started to yawn.

" And then I told your brother that maybe if he could just loosen up a bit for….." Kaylee´s head emerged from under the engine, a little oil-smudge on her smooth cheek.

" Oh honey, are you tired? I´m sorry, I´m blabbering on and on and …"

River shook her head, yawning again.

" Just a little tired, that´s all!" River explained.

 " I´m still not sleeping as much as I would like to…"

Kaylee´s brow creased up in sympathy.

" You wanna lie down for a bit? I´m almost done ….. the nightmares again?"

They had talked about the blurry nightmares before. Sometimes River still dreamt of men chasing her, their blue gloved hands grabbing her…..no matter how fast she ran, she couldn´t move fast enough. They always caught her and dragged her back to that place.

But this one had been different…….there were no blue gloves, no one chasing her. 

" Yes …..weird one, very weird."

It was only a subtle change in Kaylee´s facial expression, but River caught in nonetheless.

" Weird how?"

River bit her lip, thinking how to answer. She had had that dream before…….though it wasn´t even a dream…….it was more like flashes of colour and noise, screaming ……she could hear her own heartbeat in that dream. 

" Oh ….nothing really!" River gave Kaylee a smile that was supposed to reassure her.

" Just ……at least there are no government creeps and that´s always good! It´s not even scary!"

Kaylee looked at River for a moment, but there was nothing in her friend´s face or behaviour that seemed out of the ordinary. 

Gee…..Kaylee shook her head, returning River´s smile. Now she was getting paranoid too…….no scientists in that dream, that was good. Maybe River was getting over that part of her life forever…..

There was a tiny sting of sadness as Kaylee padded River´s hand. She couldn´t quite shake the fact that she still felt bad for Jayne though…..

" Right, that´s good then, real good!"

Insomnia. It was something River Tam had gotten used to after a whole month on Serenity.

She stood in the empty, dark cockpit, staring into space through the front windows as the ship slowly glided through space guided by the autopilot.

River liked these lonesome, silent moments in the middle of the night, when she was the only one roaming the ship.

For once she did not feel under constant observation. They were all watching her. She knew that the crew had risked a lot for her and her brother, Simon had told her that. She was thankful for the fact that they had seemingly embraced her arrival and given her the possibility to feel useful by helping them, to feel like a  part of something. 

But …..there would always be a but , wouldn´t there? 

But there were times when River distinctively felt like she was being watched…..almost as though they were waiting for something. So far River hadn´t figured out what that was.

There was something else still……..another feeling that she just couldn´t shake. The feeling that something was missing ……she couldn´t fathom what it was, couldn´t name it but …..there was something missing, something she couldn´t even define with words.

So River waited …..

She smiled bitterly, vividly remembering the worried expression on Kaylee´s face  when she had brought up the nightmare. 

The obscure flashes filled with screaming and running and …….most likely blood………

She hadn´t even told Simon about them and now she knew that she never would. She wouldn´t tell anyone …..

River could not put her finger on it, but there were feelings she could not deny…..feelings that unsettled her…..  much like the flashes. There were moments when she felt a little lost, like she had lost her grip on  …..something. 

At first it had been nothing than a minor glitch here and there, until the feeling had grown stronger. Now it made her restless and uneasy……almost like her skin was not her own, like there was something amiss.

Shouldn´t she be the happiest girl in the ´verse? She had escaped the academy, she was free ……

Gingerly River stepped forward to press one hand to the cold  glass that divided her from the oblivion of space. It calmed her somewhat. 

She felt that Simon was not completely honest about the circumstances of her escape and it hurt her that he kept secrets from  her. 

She could feel it, there was something he was hiding ….. so now she was hiding something from him; her feelings, her dreams.

She breathed deep, leaning her forehead to the glass.

Now she had a secret too.


	23. Salvage

Disclaimer: Serenity and her crew all sprung from Joss Whedon´s brilliant  mind and belong to him and Fox………I grovel at his genius feet and hope he doesn´t mind me taking them out to play now and then!

NOTES: 

Thank You again for the very kind feedback, I blush very appropriately when reading it……thank you!

The quotes in the first part of the story are from the beautiful Song " In your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Enjoy!!!

SALVAGE

The flashes came and went. River learned fast that there was no way for her to exercise any control over them. There were various things that would trigger them; a smell, a sound, a fleeting thought or the briefest touch of an object that had no significance to her.

But as fast as they came …visions of blurred noise and colour bleeding together …they left her even faster. Sometimes leaving her winded and disoriented. 

River leaned to cover up their effects even faster. Nobody guessed anything…..she felt it.

There were times when she almost felt like hearing Kaylee ´s thoughts like a distant whisper in her mind. 

She hated having to conceal this from her friend, the captain …even her own brother, but there were also times when she couldn´t shake the feeling that Simon was still watching her suspiciously.

River noticed it, only she didn´t comprehend. Simon thought he was being sneaky……that made River laugh under her breath. 

She needed to find an explanation …..so as long as she couldn´t she kept to her silent, lonely strolls in the night, roaming the empty catwalks and corridors of Serenity like a ghost.

It was one of those nights that she encountered the grumpy mercenary. He came from the common-area, his eyes narrowing as he saw her coming towards him. 

She could tell by the look on his reserved face that he was surprised to see her, surprised and annoyed at the same time. He didn´t say anything, speeding up his steps on the way to his cabin. A muscle in his face flinched  for a second as he tried his utmost to not acknowledge her presence.

She knew he didn´t like her brother and she also knew that Simon´s regard of this man was not too high either. River sometimes thought that was the reason why he didn´t seem to like her. 

Jayne just nodded to her, his brows knit together.

Accepting all I´ve done and said

I want to stand and stare again

Till there´s nothing left 

It remains there in your eyes

Whatever comes and goes 

I will hear your silent call

As River walked by him in the corridor her shoulder accidentally brushed his arm for a split second. Something like an electric jolt went through her, forcing her to slow down and gasp under her breath. For the most minuscule moment she felt something incredibly familiar enveloping her like a warm breeze. A balmy tingle spread through her, tugging at her with irresistible force, but before River could focus on it, the feeling slipped from her grasp again.

And all my instincts 

They return 

And the grand façade 

So soon will burn

Without a noise 

Without my pride

I reach out from the inside

Very slowly, still hesitating a bit,  River turned her head slightly, in order to look over her shoulder at his retreating back only to find the tall, brusquely man to do the same.

His look hit her like a profound impact, the instant their eyes met for only a second…….everything faded away.

River felt as though she was frozen in time, nothing else existed but this moment whose implication she did not understand.

Jayne ground his teeth …that gorram´girl.

How could he have been thinking that she might be less trouble once she wouldn´t remember?

She still looked like some sort of fairy- princess, some pixie creature from a fantasy land with all that tangled tresses of dark hair, those ruddin´ flowing dresses that clung to her in all the right places, that pretty face and her eyes ……..those dark, haunting eyes…..

In your eyes 

The light, the heat 

In your eyes

I am complete 

In your eyes

The resolution

In your eyes 

I want to be back 

In your eyes

I want to touch you like the heat I see

In your eyes

Jayne´s lips curled up in a slim line as he forced himself to turn away. The hatch to his bunk opened with a loud hiss and he climbed down the ladder, out of her sight.

Jumping over the last few steps, he pulled the hatch closed behind him. Moving his callused fingers  through his short hair, Jayne screwed his eyes shut and breathed deeply.

He still felt her enquiring look …..those ruddin´ eyes.

How could he even think that he might be able to forget the impact those eyes had? 

It was a thought so ludicrous that for a moment Jayne felt the urge to laugh about himself.

That gorram´girl and her eyes ……eyes so dark and knowing, eyes that saw through everything so clearly that it had made Jayne weary from the start. 

It wasn´t just that, he ruddin´well knew that……those eyes haunted him…….the thought of her haunted him. 

He still thought she shouldn´t know what she must have one. Jayne had to admit that he didn´t really know what she had done, none of them did ……..but he had a pretty good idea.

He had seen her crazy …….still if he came clean with himself he knew that deep down inside of him, he wasn´t quite sure if he liked the girl better when she was sane.

There was still something eerie about her. Something that her ruddin´ brother obviously did not pick up on. 

She was not ……his River, the girl he remembered. At the same time she was……there was still enough left of her. He had just felt it in the corridor …….there was something slumbering beneath the surface.

The mercenary, the skilled fighter inside of  him  dreaded that thought ……

No Power in the ´verse ……..

River stopped dead in her tracks, still staring at the spot where the mercenary had opened the hatch just a few seconds ago.

Suddenly River found it hard to breathe. She could her sharp intake of breath echoing from the walls of the corridor. For some time she just stood there caught in some kind of daze that she could not explain. 

Very slowly she turned her head again, closing her eyes in silent concentration as she listened to the rhythm of her breathing, her heartbeat.

She waited …….but nothing happened. There was no flash……

River made an impatient frown.

What was happening to her? No matter how hard she searched her mind there was no explanation. It frustrated River beyond compare.

And there was nobody she could talk to ………she knew that now more indisputably then ever. Without a doubt in her mind River knew that sharing this piece of information with her brother would not lead to any clarification.

The thought made her heart ache …….

Sighing deeply she finally turned around towards her own cabin.

That night River had another dream……not a nightmare about the tests at the academy  and not one of the flashes either.

It was a real dream, but it unsettled her even more.

She found herself lying in an empty grey room. Blinking to improve her vision in the diffuse lighting as she sat up, it took her a little while to discern that she was not awake…..

She was sleeping, dreaming ….

Leaning on one of her hands River carefully looked around. It was a rather small, square room……empty except for her being there.

Her brows knit together slightly. River couldn´t recall to have seen this room before ….ever. 

She had no memory of a room like this one, not in her parent´s house. It didn´t resemble any of the rooms she had seen in the academy- complex either, at least had she never been in a room like this when she had been conscious enough to remember.

Still……..there was the distinct feeling of familiarity again, the feeling that she could neither hold  on to nor shake off.

There were doors on each of the four walls though ……

Carefully River opened the first one, only to find it leading into a beautiful Japanese park with cherry-blossom trees being ruffled by a soft breeze. She could smell their sweet scent in the air …..it was an incredibly beautiful sight and River recognized the place immediately. 

" The Roper´s park ……" she whispered, remembering mild summer evenings and picnics with her father´s friend and his family. 

River shook her head in confusion, unable to understand why a door in her dream would lead to this park. 

She slowly closed the door and turned to the one on the right. 

The second door led to what seemed to be a striking pond situated at the edge of the forest. The water´s surface glittered serenely in the bright sunlight. While she could hear birds singing in the tall trees, a fat bumblebee flew from one yellow flower at the edge of the pond to the next. 

The picture of quiet and peace almost took River´s breath away. The sight was stunning to behold…….a picture to good to be true. It reminded her more of paintings she had seen than a real existing landscape.

Closing the second door River turned around as understanding hit her. These places didn´t just exist here in this dream ….they potentially existed in all her dreams. These places were in her mind……the thought scared and exited her at the same time. 

She must have created them….consciously or unconsciously, probably as a refuge from  the reality she faced in the real world, at the academy. 

With growing curiosity she opened the third door only to be met by a howling gust of wind that made her stagger backwards. The doorway led to a place unlike any River had ever seen.

It was a vast, dark desert with black, glittering sand and sharp rock formations. There was no apparent life to see, no animal or plant ……. 

The only sound was the icy, dry wind sweeping over the rocks and sand under an empty sky with neither moon nor stars. The simple sight gave River a feeling of anxiety. 

Pressing her lips together she slammed the door shut.

This was not a place she decided to revisit. Why would she create a place like that in her own mind?

Curiously River approached the last door, taking a deep breath before opening it.

The last door revealed a surprise that made River gasp in bewilderment.

The door led into an even smaller room…..and a very untidy one at that! Clothes and all kinds of other things were strewn across the floor in different heaps. 

River caught a glimpse of ammunition stored in a half concealed box on the small table.

She looked around warily before she took a step forward into the room. The familiar feeling was tugging at her again…….River couldn´t remember this room, but the feeling of ease she felt grew stronger. For some reason just standing there in the middle of all that incredible mess made her feel safe……sheltered. 

She closed her eyes, breathing deep …..that smell, masculine ……this was a man´s room.

River´s eyes snapped open in alert. 

Her breath caught in her throat. Narrowing her eyes she looked around once more ……this was not a room, this was a cabin. The almost imperceptible vibration she felt was the engine of a ship, Serenity´s engine!

The realization  hit her like the snap of a whip. 

This room was not just anywhere…..not a memory from long ago. This cabin was on Serenity…….somewhere on the ship!

She had obviously created it in her mind……from a memory, but she had no conscious recollection of ever seeing it. She knew she had never been in this cabin ……so how could she…..

Trying to get a hold of herself River sat down on the bed behind her, her hands grabbing the blanket.

Why was there a likeness of this cabin in her mind and more importantly ……River looked around, …..whose cabin was this?


	24. Simmer

DISCLAIMER: So obviously neither  Serenity nor the characters on board are mine …….they all sprung from Joss Whedon´s imagination and belong to him and Fox! 

NOTES:    SORRY that it took me so gorram´long to update. It is in no way due to the fact that I received my very own copy of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX last week and just couldn´t put it down …….ahem……Sorry!!!

I will try to make amends.

SIMMER

There was still time…..River suppressed a high pitched giggle while looking over her shoulder. Kaylee was not too far behind.

They had landed on Celus about an hour ago. The crew would take up new cargo in the evening hours, but now it was only mid- day and that left plenty of time for some minor repairs and ……leisure time.

The preacher had spotted a clean, hidden pond not too far  from the ship and had agreed to accompany Kaylee and River for a swim. The thought of diving into cool water delighted River. Now they were racing through the ship towards the loading ramp where Book was waiting for them.

On the catwalk above the cargo- bay Jayne and Zoë were busy repairing a part of the railing.  

They heard the racing footsteps and the happy squeals before the two girls even came into sight. Jayne looked up from the steel bars they had just dismantled from the railing the exact moment that River ran towards them. Zoë could see disaster strike from miles away.

" Look out girls we just …."

Rivers eyes widened in understanding as she tried to slow down but it was too late. As she attempted to stop dead in her tracks Kaylee bumped into her, the impact made her stumble forward and would have had her colliding with the railing …….except that there was no railing.

" Oh God! River!" Kaylee shouted. 

River let out a gasp.

The simple law of inertia was bound to carry her over the edge of the catwalk …….she could already see herself falling, crashing into the floor of the cargo bay.

The fall would not kill her ……it might injure her lethally though.

River could see it all play out infront of her inner eye the split second before she fell …..

Then she felt herself being fiercely pulled back from the edge. Two arms wound themselves around her middle, lifting her clean off her feet. 

" What the hell you think you´re doing girl!" she heard him whisper roughly under his breath.

She felt his whole body tense as  the momentum of his movements brought her back flush against his chest…….his breathing changed subtly.

Jayne stared down at the top of her head as he pulled her away from gap in the railing, his breath coming out in a low, angry hiss.

Almost instinctively and without noticing River reached out with her mind……..encountering conflict and …….a fight within him.

It seemed as though time had suddenly slowed down. When he moved backwards, the heat of his body, the hard muscles moving under his clothes and skin, his strength ……….made a tingle go through River. The familiar feeling was back, stronger than before.

River closed her eyes. She could hear her own blood rushing in her ears, her breath ……..the feeling was tugging at her, leaving her breathless and bewildered. 

The strange sensation washed over her like a wave breaking upon the shore........

And with a sudden certainty River knew that even though she had no memory of it, this was not uncharted territory for her. She knew this man unlike anybody else on this ship.

A sudden jolt made her eyes snap open. Jayne had put her back on her feet rather ungently.

His arms fell to his sides, releasing her quickly as though contact with her was searing his skin.

" Oh god! Honey, are you ok?" Kaylee rushed in, shooting Jayne an ominous  side- glance.

River shook her head.

" Next time watch where you´re running!" Jayne growled at her, giving River only a quick once over glance before he turned around. It had taken all his willpower to release her from his arms and the fact that he still couldn´t control his emotions drove him mad. Before ruddin´ River Tam had come along Jayne Cobb had never had the slightest problem with that.

" Gorram´girls!" 

" We were going swimming ….." River mumbled still rattled and confused.

Once again the familiar rush had left her as fast as it had come …..leaving her clueless as to it´s nature.

As River slowly followed Kaylee out of the ship towards the pond, two of the puzzle pieces in her mind started to come together.

That cabin in her mind …….she was pretty sure she knew where to find it………

She was going to find out this evening when the crew was busy loading the cargo.

Something was wrong with her ……something that even Simon was keeping from her.

She could feel it .

It was a deja- vu  for all things concerned…..or at least that was the way it presented itself to Jayne Cobb. They had just finished loading the new cargo when Jayne stopped in mid-climb, half way down the ladder into his bunk. 

There she stood in that very same spot he had last seen her before she had drugged him, wearing that same purple dress. She turned towards him slightly looking up the ladder straight into his face.

Jayne screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

Was he seeing things now ? 

But when he opened his eyes she was still there.

" Watcha think you´re doing here?" he growled at her, jumping down into his bunk as the hatch closed above him.

She still stared at him with those ruddin´dark eyes that seemed to burn a whole through him.

River didn´t flinch at his harsh tone, even though these were virtually the first words he had ever really spoken to her since she had arrived on Serenity.

" We need to talk about something." she volunteered slowly, never taking her eyes off him. The tall mercenary moved in closer, shooting her a menacing look.

" You and me ?" He shook his head again. " Don´t think there is anything the both of us need talking about…..so why don´t you just clear out of here and annoy your gorram´ brother!"

There it was again……Jayne almost wanted to laugh…..that ruddin´ look of defiance in her pretty little pixie- face. He remembered it all too well and that was just one of the reasons he needed to get her out of here.

The impulse to do something really stupid was still there, even though Jayne had buried it deep inside of him …..the impulse to just snake one arms around that tiny waist of hers and pull her close, just for a moment. His fingers itched to run through that silky mass of dark tresses that framed her face.

Jayne made a fist and restrained himself ……he wanted to hit his fists against the wall very badly. 

You are not weak…….that´s what she had told him once. Jayne didn´t feel much like believing her now, though she had believed……

She had been wrong…….there were moments when, despite of his physical strength, he felt incredibly weak. She made him weak…….her presence stirred up all these things that he constantly tried to bury inside of himself.

River waited, watching only the slightest hints of conflicting emotions on his face

" Why is there a place in my mind that looks like this?" she asked calmly.

He snapped out of his reverie in an instant, eyes focusing on her tiny frame again.

" Watcha´talking about?" he barked at her, but there was something in his face …just for a moment. River had seen it.

" In my mind ……there is a place that looks like this, like your cabin. I went there in a dream……I saw it!"

Jayne ground his teeth again. The impact of what she had just said took a few moments to sink in. So much for the gorram´amnesia…….Simon would have a fit!

" I wouldn´t know anything about that!" he told her dismissively before turning his back towards her, pretending to fumble with something on the table.

He could still feel her eyes on him, burning into the back of his neck with the intensity of her stare.

" Have I been here before ….in here?"

For a moment Jayne wasn´t quite sure if she ment his bunk or his ruddin´mind.

It was obvious now that maybe the doctor´s plan might not work out the way he planned to ……Jayne didn´t like this. Another situation he was not prepared to deal with ……he couldn´t even think straight with her around, so close ….

" Do you remember being here before now?"

" No." she answered simply.

Jayne nodded. So much for that…….

 He needed to talk to Mal about this. He wouldn´t like this either.

" So then …there you have it! Now get the ruddin´hell out of my bunk!"

Jayne didn´t need to turn around to know that River hadn´t moved an inch.

For a while none of them said anything…. …   River got exasperated. She slowly walked around him until she stood on the other side of the table, facing him again.

" But how is it possible? It does not make sense……how can there be an exact replica of your cabin in my mind, when I have never seen it?"

Jayne looked up, crossing his arms in front of his broad chest. There had never been a way to outsmart that gorram´girl! From the moment she and her gorram´ pompous brother had come aboard Jayne had known they would be trouble. He had just never thought that it was the kind of trouble he was involved in now…… not in a thousands years.

" How am I supposed to know what goes on in that gorram´mind of yours?" he shot back.

River breathed deep to calm herself again. The draw she had experienced this morning was back, like a magnet ………like swimming against the tide. 

She let her eyes wander over him as he towered above her with his angry demeanour. It all seemed so familiar and yet she had no memory of it.

She felt at a loss…….there was something going on here that was beyond her and all traces lead back to this man who couldn´t wait to get rid of her.

" That´s not all …..there is something else. It´s weird and I can´t explain it………..I get this feeling. I don´t know how or why, but everytime our paths cross….it´s like a pull."

Jayne took a step back from the table. River took a painful breath.

She´d better not be going where he thought she was going with this ……that gorram´ doctor! 

She was supposed to be better off this way, but right now it didn´t look like that to Jayne! 

This was not back to square one …….not a new start at her life. 

She said she didn´t remember and that was the way it was supposed to be! But what the hell was she doing here then? Snooping around, asking all the right questions …or the wrong ones.

River´s brow knit together as he moved away ever so slightly. Inwardly Jayne cursed himself. She had this troubled look again that he remembered so well ……..part of her confused, the other one impatient. He very much wanted to just step forward and gather her up in his arms……..do the comforting thing he had taken so long to come to terms with. But that would not go down well…….not well at all. 

It didn´t go with  the way he presented himself to her……it would only make things worse. From what he could see……things had started to go downhill since the moment he had found her here.

River pulled another ragged breath. 

The whole situation was almost like a dream, completely surreal……but there were things …….things did not make sense, did not add up. 

She felt like she was going insane with the flashes that came and went, with the surge of emotions she couldn´t explain everytime she came near to this man. 

There were things that she needed to work out, things she needed to understand……..things she needed to say.

" I burn …….now, that´s what it feels like inside." She swallowed hard, but never took her eyes off him.

" Since this morning ……I burn for you, I don´t know why …but I do!"

Jayne didn´t know what to say. Her words hit him like a sledgehammer, making his ears ring. 

" Explain to me …." She went on before he could even utter a single word.

" If there is nothing to all this. If all this is just a weird coincidence…….your cabin in my mind, …why do I feel like I´m just treading water? Why do I feel like I haven´t really escaped …..that I ´m fighting against windmills? It doesn´t feel like I´m just chasing illusions! " 

Jayne could see that she was going full tilt now and there was no way to stop her…..another thing he knew from experience! Even if he knew what to say, there was no way he could get a word in between. 

Her eyes were ablaze ….the way she was talking now, her choice of words was not too different from the way she had been talking when she was out of her mind.

" I´ve never come out of the tunnel, that´s what it feels like. I´m still in the middle of that tunnel and so far I cannot see the light at the end….I feel like I never really stopped fighting, except that I don´t know against what."

Jayne returned her incensed look, leaning forward just a little bit.

" This fight you ´re talkin´ bout. Do you ever ask yourself if this fight is worthwhile?" he finally answered her trying to keep his voice neutral. 

" Maybe you should ask yourself if there even is sumthin´at the end of that ruddin´tunnel worth fighting for."

River blinked, taken aback by his words. She had not expected this.

" Maybe it´s better the way it is. Maybe everythin´ is the way it´s supposed to be…..alright, you know? And there is no mystery to solve here."

River put her hands on her slender hips.

" I don´t think so!" she stated evenly.

Jayne ground his teeth again. That gorram´ stubborn girl! He didn´t know if he wanted to shake her like mad or ………

He really needed to get her out of here. There were too many memories here ……and a lot of them involved her trying to persuade him of something and touching …..

" Suit yourself!" he told her instead.

" The way I feel …..I don´t think this is the way one is supposed to feel when everything is alright!" River countered unimpressed. " I don´t feel it…"

" Now I wouldn´t know anything about that ………ruddin´ feelings stuff. You should talk to your brother, he strikes me as a sensitive guy, and now get the ruddin´ hell out of here already!" 

River hadn´t felt very welcome in the first place. She hadn´t found any answers, only more questions.

" I can´t …" the words escaped her before she even knew it.

" Well you´d better, ´cause I don´t wanna hear about this ……so get out!"

" I can´t …" she repeated, slowly moving towards the ladder.

" What the hell are you talkin´ bout?" Jayne almost yelled.

" I can´t tell my brother how I feel ….cause I don´t. Most of the time …..I don´t feel…..anything."

For the first time ever River could see true emotion wash over his hardened features. He opened his mouth to say something but then thought the better of it. For a moment he looked as confused as she felt. 

The information she had just provided him with had some impact on him, River could tell. Still, he didn´t volunteer anything that might be of help to her. 

River pressed her lips together angrily until they were nothing but a small thin line and started to climb up the ladder. 

He just stood there, his facial expression reserved once more. Only the fact that his hands had balled into fists so hard they made his knuckles turn white betrayed the reality that his emotions seemed to be in uproar like hers.

Before she opened the hatch River turned to him again.

" I´m looking for answers …….." she clarified softly.

" I just don´t know the right questions yet…."

Jayne stared up the ladder for what seemed like an eternity, even after she had left.

What had he expected? 

Simon hadn´t been the only one who wanted to protect her from the things she had done……from the knowledge of what she was capable of. He had been the first to say that she should never know, though he knew it was exactly what Simon had wanted to hear so badly……but what if ……

What if they had been wrong? 

What if all this was not just about the memories, what if it was about her nature? 

If she found out another way…….how could she ever cope with that? Even if her memory did not come back, a part of her obviously knew that something was wrong…..instinctively.

I just don´t know the right questions ….

" Yet…." Jayne whispered to himself.

That gorram´stubborn girl ……..he should have known! He knew her persistence……..she would never let this go.

He needed to talk to Mal …..and Simon.

Yet……..


	25. Crumble

Disclaimer: I own nothing, don´t sue me ……..I just enjoy playing with the other kiddies´ things. Fox and Mutant Enemy own the characters but not me …

Notes: Okay, thanks for the feedback. It makes me very happy to know that people out there still enjoy this!

 See how I am trying to make amends???? Next Chapter is almost done and will be up in a few!!!

CRUMBLE

„ We may have made a mistake!"

Simon looked up from what he had been doing to find the captain and Jayne entering the infirmary.

His eyes followed Jayne, as the mercenary closed the doors behind them in order to prevent anyone …..River……overhearing their conversation.

Jayne´s face was set. He could see from the expression in Simon´s face that none of the things he had talked to Mal about would go down well with the young doctor.

But then again ……he hadn´t really expected that.

" What do you mean?"

Simon asked even though he was quite sure what Jayne was referring to. It was just like him to try to spoil everything when River´s recuperation was going so well!

" You sister, the amnesia …I don´t think it´s working out!"

Simon crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively.

" What are you talking about?"

" She´s been asking a lot of questions, doc!"

Mal finally said after his looks had wandered between the two very different men.

" You haven´t told her anything , have you?" Simon asked, suddenly very agitated.

Jayne said nothing.

" Have you?"

" No……but maybe somebody should, before she finds out all by herself!" Mal told him calmly.

Simon shook his head.

" No!"

" Doctor ……your sister is a very smart girl, if she figures things out on her own, what do you think she´ll do? It would be better if she heard things from you!"

" No!" Simon repeated, shaking his head for emphasis.

" She is doing so well! I don´t want to burden her with …."

" The truth?" Jayne cut in angrily.

" How dare you!" Simon stared at the taller man.

" She´s my sister and my patient! I want only what´s best for her …….the impact of all the things that happened …..I can´t even estimate what it will do to her! It might even reverse her condition, can´t you see?"

" Nobody wants that, doctor." Mal said firmly. " We all want what´s best for her. Jayne was the first one to agree that she is better off without those memories and you have to admit that that decision was not to his own advantage."

" Regretting that now, are we?" Simon asked heatedly.

Jayne was in  the process of answering something, but bit his tongue instead. There was nothing he could say ……..the truth was that a part of him had been regretting ever agreeing with Simon ever since those words had left his mouth.

" Hold on there, doctor!" Mal took a step forward, not entirely sure if Jayne wouldn´t think the better of it and maybe decide to punch Simon for his remark after all.

He wasn´t even sure if he wanted to stop Jayne if that were the case.

Inara may have been right all along, he thought. Some truths always came crawling back to the light!

" Fact is that River has taken quiet an interest in Jayne´s bunk and asked a lot of questions that he did not answer, maybe it´s time to let her in on the truths."

" NO! " Simon shook his head again. 

" It will destroy her! I will not stand by and watch my little sister suffer any more!"

…..not as frail as you think……

Jayne could almost hear her breathy voice.

" She could have a complete relapse! She has been through enough …..she should have some peace! She is so young she can have a different life now!"

Simon brought his fist down on the small table he had been working on just moments ago.

" She is just confused! The nightmares she´s been having, she´s still traumatised! If we give her more time and keep silent about all this it will just blow over. She´ll never know and be normal again!"

Jayne couldn´t help but laugh bitterly.

" How well do you know your sister? The gorram´girl will never let it go …….she never does! Once she´s on track she´s like a ruddin´ bloodhound!"

" Hate to say it, but I´m  with Jayne on this one, doc!" Mal added.

Simon breathed deep.

" Fine." He said . " But I don´t care …..she´s my sister! My underaged sister…" he added, shooting Jayne a nasty look.

" And I decide what´s best for her! You have to  trust my on this! I would never hurt my sister……it is better this way! Don´t ruin this for her! She has a real chance of being a happy, normal girl! After all I´m responsible for her and it should be my decision!"

The thought that River would never be a normal girl crossed Mal´s mind briefly, but he kept the thought to himself. He didn´t like it, but in the end Simon was right. If he liked his decision or not, the girl was still Simon´s little sister.

The silence in the small infirmary was heavy with emotion. 

" If that is what you want we gotta respect that…." Mal finally said. " But f I were you I´d think about that some more. If she ever finds out that we did not tell her, this whole thing could blow up in your face!"

" It´s ruddin stupid if you ask me!" Jayne added.

Simon stared at him.

" So you won´t tell her ?"

" No…." Jayne ground out. " Won´t………but I won´t lie  to her either." 

" Wanna talk about it?" Mal asked a few minutes later, when Jayne was grabbing a towel. Mal knew he was headed towards the cargo-bay to work off the aggression inside of him. He could relate. Mal wasn´t very happy with the doctor´s reaction either……it reeked of impending doom.

" No need to." Jayne answered in a very clipped tone. " I´m alright, Mal!"

Mal nodded, staring at Jayne´s retreating back until the mercenary was out of sight.

" Right, just shiny!" he muttered.

He knew that physically Jayne Cobb was alright. But Malcolm Reynolds also knew from experience that physical pain was sometimes – no matter how much it hurt- easier to overcome than emotion.

Had someone told him after the incident on Ariel, that he would ever be able to relate to Jayne in this way ……he would have blown that person out the airlock right away.

Mal knew that there were other kinds of pain……the kind that rarely ceased, that one could never shake off……..

Pain that constantly simmered under the surface of one´s own self- control……the war had taught him that. 

River shuddered. 

She tried to turn away, but the the light seemed to follow her eyes. She couldn´t really see …there was smoke, the air was humid and hot, almost stealing her breath.

River could feel herself moving fast, even though her vision was blurry. She was running, looking over her shoulder where shades were moving in the shadows and smoke.

She could hear her own breathing, hard and fast …..the door, the door she needed to get through the door ……back to ……where? She couldn´t remember. 

Still she was running fast, racing through the dark, unfamiliar corridor.

The door, the door …….she could feel it slam shut behind her. As she turned around she could feel heat, fire….flames licking their way under the door but not quite reaching her. The pressure wave of an explosion made her stagger backwards ……her eyes fixed on the steel-door that bend inwards but did not give. She turned around towards the only other door …..the airlock …….she needed to get out or ……River blinked.

There was a metallic taste in her mouth ......her feet were naked and felt wet……….her whole body was covered in some warm, sticky liquid. She swallowed hard, looking at her feet …….not comprehending what she saw. Her feet were red …….so were her naked legs, her arms ……she swallowed hard. Slowly she creased up her brown in confusion, what was this …where was she?

She lifted her hands to eye-level…… one was empty, one was still curled around the handle of a big knife … the red liquid dripped from the blade onto her feet and the floor. For an eternity she stared at it, just standing there unable to make the connection …..unable to really see clearly…….then her eyes widened in understanding. 

Blood…….it was blood………River screamed at the top of her lungs.

She shouldn´t have ……she shouldn´t have …………released it ………never……the thoughts raced through her mind as she screamed until she had no more breath ….until her throat hurt.

Mommy ……oh what would Mommy and Daddy think if they saw their little girl like this …….the things she had done.

What makes you think they did not know? 

" Mei-Mei ……shhhhhh …wake up!"

   River woke up with a start unable to focus on the images rapidly fading rapidly from her mind, the dream escaping her again …….as illusive as fog.

Her throat felt raw and it hurt when she tried to swallow, River gingerly touched it with one hand.

Her eyes fixing on Simon who leaned over her bed, his hands on her shoulders.

" It´s okay, Mei- Mei …….it was just a dream…..a nightmare. You are safe here."

Simon whispered softly to her, tugging a strand of hair behind her ear.

The flash hit her from out of nowhere ……and River´s eyes fluttered shut for a second. 

Simon´s finger grazing her ear accidentally ……….another hand, larger than her brother´s with hard knuckles tugging hair behind her ear …..one callused finger grazing her cheek.

Sparrow ……

River shook her head ……eyes fixing on Simon again, who still smiled down at her oblivious to what had happened.

She nodded, confused.

" Just a nightmare ….." she repeated huskily, trying to entangle herself from the sheets of her bed. 

She felt Simon kiss her on the forehead. 

" Do you want something? A glass of water ……..shall I give you something to make you sleep better?"

River shook her head. There really was no need was there …….she never remembered those dreams, she only remembered the other ones …..about the academy.

She hadn´t mentioned her insomnia to her brother, mostly because she didn´t want to worry him ……but there were other reasons. The way he watched her , his over- protectiveness……

"Mei- Mei…..?"

Little sister …….the words sent a chill up her spine, made her stomach turn.

" No …..no,  Simon I don´t need sleeping pills. I´m fine ……just a nightmare!"

He stared at her for a moment torn between apprehension and nervousness, then he nodded.

" Okay ……"

He moved to leave, but River grabbed a hold of his wrist.

" Wait …Simon, I need to ask you something. If there had been any problems ….you´d tell me right?"

" Problems?" Simon looked at her  confused.

" Yes …..problems with my escape. If there were anything ……weird, you would have told me, wouldn´t you?"

Simon tried to fight down the alarm that rose inside of him, keeping his face neutral but not quite succeeding. 

River had her hand still on his wrist, her brother didn´t realize, but she could feel his pulse racing.

" Why do you ask me something like that, River? I don´t understand …."

" Was there something ….sometimes I feel like people are watching me with caution, even Kaylee gets ……nervous around me sometimes."

Simon managed a laugh, tension still apparent in his posture. The laughter was fake …..she could hear it.

" Oh , Mei-Mei …….no! Maybe they´re just curious …….you escaped from some secret alliance facility. Of course they look at you , you´re a genius…..some of the things you do are bound to startle people."

He squeezed her hand lightly. 

" You shouldn´t worry too much, you´re free now……safe and healthy. These nightmares will fade and then everything will be as it was!"

River looked into his face and forced herself to smile. He had lied to her, lied to her face. She could see the truth in his eyes. There was a secret there, there were things he kept from her.

Things that scared him, things that worried him …

" And now go back to sleep, ok?" He kissed her forehead again and left the room.

Rivers eyes followed him. He was deceiving her. Simon ….her wonderful, kind, loving brother was deceiving her. He may have saved her, but still there was a truth covered by his lies that he tried to keep from her. 

She could feel  her heart breaking. A little part of her had just died and her brother had just become a lot more human in her eyes.

River stared at the clock on the wall…….something inside of her jerked awake, making the connection. River bit her lip, waiting ………there it was in front of her all along.

She had just found the key to unlock the secret…….


	26. Asunder

DISCLAIMER: NONE of the characters are mine …..they belong to Fox and Joss Whedon.

Notes: Still making amends here ……see how I try?????

Thanks again for the feedback. Hope you like this chapter too!!!

The quotes are from a beautiful Song by Xavier Naidoo called  " I don´t know anything…" 

Asunder

Jayne had heard her even before he saw her tiny frame peeling itself out of the darkness of the corridor. He could hear each step of those naked feet on the cold metal of the catwalk above him. Cold feet treading ever so softly….

He ground his teeth and lifted the barbell over his head again, just moments ago he had added more weight. Maybe it wasn´t wise to lift that much weight without the preacher there to spot for him, but then again Jayne Cobb had never seen himself as a wise men ……quite the opposite and the events of the last few months had proven that….

He could hear the weights clink. 

He would not get caught up in all this again. Little good it had done him!

He would not let her irritate him again …..he wouldn´t ! Not this time!

It was almost as if he had known that he´d encounter her tonight, that she was as sleepless as he was……

That ruddin´ idiot of a brother of hers……..right, it would just blow over…….worked out really gorram´well!

There she was again, coming down the stairs like a pale ghost……every movement, every step so very graceful, like a dancer´s stride.

Jayne did not sit up on the bench-press, trying to ignore her approach, but his eyes seemed to have a will of their own.

Dark hair tumbling over delicate shoulders, framing that pretty face……it all made her look so very young, so vulnerable……but Jayne knew that inside that seemingly fragile body beat the heart of a tigress…….fierce and proud and unrelenting.

She might look like a gorram´ fairy- princess, a dainty little thing, but that ruddin´ girl had a spine made of steel and a dangerous mind to match it. 

And yet they all underestimated her again and again ……….

He and Simon might look at the same girl, but they did not see the same picture.

If there was one thing his experiences with River Tam had taught Jayne it was that looking at something and really seeing it for what it was, were to very different things.

When Simon looked at River he saw his little sister, saw the sweet girl he and his family had unknowingly handed over to a bunch of very evil men with sinister plans, monsters who had tried to turn that sweet, lively girl into a monster too.

He saw the little girl he had lost, the doll- faced, innocent girl who had adored her big brother and still bested him in so many things and had been adored by her brother in turn.

He saw something incredibly precious to him that he wanted to protect at all costs …..come what may.

So did Jayne, still he saw her in a very different light. He saw that beyond that pretty face hid a force to be reckoned with.

He knew the other side of River Tam, not just the darling girl but the stubborn, persistent young woman; the girl that knew about weaponry ……..the girl with incredible inner strength. That girl wouldn´t like being kept in the dark ……….wouldn´t like things being decided over her head. 

In some corner of his mind he could see that girl raging against the wall of secrecy…..

River would not have wanted this, Jayne knew that now.

She´d be angry with him, with all of them for being arrogant enough to think they would know what was best for her.

Hell….she´d been old enough, skilled enough to slaughter a ship filled with Reavers and blow up their ship ………she´d escaped that inferno relatively unscathed.

" These past weeks …" she finally started softly, almost as though she was talking to herself.

" …..I have been asking myself why I didn´t feel happy. I should have been …..Finally safe and free, but the feeling I was waiting for never came. There were moments when I laughed, when I felt content, but never really happy. Something was lacking, I did not feel complete…..like I had left a part of myself there at that place. I never felt like I was …..whole." 

She didn´t look at him as she slowly circled the bench-press from a distance. Jayne put the weights down, watching her fluent movements wearily, but he still did not sit up.

" I just couldn´t shake the feeling that there was something going wrong. And then ….last night I finally figured it out!"

The faintest smile came to her lips. She lifted her eyes from her feet to Jayne´s face.

" Time….." 

The single word seemed to hang in the air between them. She had whispered it so quietly that for a moment Jayne was not sure if he heard her right. 

His brow furrowed up and he slowly lifted himself into an upright position, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

" Time …" she repeated.

" The time is what´s wrong. I lost it, lost time………time of my life, months even. I should have paid more attention! I should have seen it sooner , but I didn´t. The numbers don´t add up!"

She shook her head for emphasis, slowly stepping closer.

" I did not just escape weeks ago. Simon didn´t get me out then………there are months of my life that I seem to have no recollection of……..I lost that time and I cannot get it back."

Jayne swallowed hard.

She´d figured that part out ………of course she had! Simon should have known that she was too ruddin´ smart to just believe everything.

" Why you tellin´ me this?" he asked, aware that his voice sounded raw even in his own ears.

The smile on her face faded, her expression grew serious as her eyes settled on his face again.

She took a deep breath.

" There is something I need to know, something you have to tell me." River answered calmly, still coming towards him very slowly.

" There are some things I ….remember…….they are not really memories or dreams. They are more like flashes of light and sound, like peeking through a curtain but being unable to see the whole picture behind it. It´s me …….but it´s not really me. I´m watching myself do things that make no sense to me."

Jayne raked a hand through his hair, grounding his teeth.

Gorram´ Simon! He should be here now, hearing this! 

What the hell was he supposed to tell her…..

" What´s that have to do with me?" he growled, trying to evade her inquisitive look.

River sighed, lifting one of her fine eyebrows.

" I don´t really know…." She admitted .

" But I think you do. Most of the things I see in those flashes don´t stay with me, I don´t remember them. The few I do remember scare me sometimes…..others are exciting and beautiful.  But when we touched……it´s like a flare, the things that come tom me then stay with me. I remember them………That is why I  need to ask you…"

" Fine….ask away and then leave me the hell alone. I´m kind of busy with sumthin´ here if you don´t mind." Jayne said unpatiently, looking at the floor as though this didn´t really concern him.

River could feel him closing up. 

" Things are not the way they are supposed to be." She returned after a while, still searching his face for an answer.

" I can feel it……everybody acts as though there is nothing wrong, hiding ……..something.

And yet I have this strange sensation …..like I know you….."

Jayne looked up at her, his face betraying nothing. His thoughts on the other hand were racing through his mind. 

That ruddin´girl had managed to corner him again!

He should get out of there, he should go to his bunk ……if he were not so gorram´ sure that she´d follow him there. She´d never let those questions go…..damn her ruddin ´ brother!

" Sumthin´ you wanted to ask me girl?"

River waited a beat, staring into his eyes ……..there was a challenge, but also …….fear.

" The two of us shared a bond. There is no denying it because I can feel it inside of me, tugging at me every time I come near you."

She took another step towards him, standing there just out of his reach.

" We were in love, weren´t we?"

Jayne almost jumped off the benchpress. He took a deep hissing breath.

He had expected all kinds of things, questions about the Reavers, the bounty-hunter……..not in a thousand years had he expected this! She had caught him completely unaware with that one. He turned his back towards her, bending down to pick up another weight as if he had intended to do that all along. He needed a moment to gather himself, feeling like that gorram´girl had just hit him over the head with that ruddin´ barbell.

There really was no answer to that question, was there?

He needed to keep his emotions in check before he turned to face her.

" Girl….." he started, shaking his head.

But River cut him off angrily, an impatient look on her face.

" Don´t stall me and don´t lie….I will know!" she almost yelled, but managed to control her voice in the end.

" None of this makes sense, my feelings…… There is a place in my mind  I can go to in my dreams that looks like your cabin! It doesn´t just look like it, it is your bunk! And for some reason…..when I go there I feel safe and calm and sheltered. There are things that I lost …I know it! I can feel it and these things I need to know…….they are important to me. So I´ll ask you again: Were we in love?"

Jayne swallowed hard, almost biting his tongue as he ground his teeth this time.

She was still as meddlesome as ever, no matter if the ruddin´girl was insane or completely lucid……..she drove him mad!

" The truth?" He managed to keep his voice neutral even though he had a strong desire to just yell at her. River could see a quick series of conflicting emotions play across his face like storm clouds chasing each other in a darkening sky.

" You lookin´ for the ruddin ´truth here, cause you´ve come to the wrong place! I can´t tell you what I don´t know myself."

Her brow creased up as she returned his angry gaze.

" You don´t know?" she asked sceptically, annoyed with herself that his answer had astonished and even hurt her.

" I honestly find that hard to believe. Being in love …..I don´t think that is something one is likely to forget!"

Jaqyne couldn´t help but chuckle at her expression. 

" You think this is funny?"

" No….just typical." Jayne answered honestly, feeling some of the tension falling off of himself.

" Listen, girl …….I have never been and  will never  be the kind of man who says the right thing at the appropriate time. Feelin´s and all that ruddin´ fancy stuff ……never been any good at it!"

River smiled mildly, crossing her arms in front of her body.

" I don´t believe that. I think if you really wanted to you could find the right words……

I rather believe that you are one of those men who´d rather bite off his own tongue than reveal his feelings to anyone."

Jayne grinned down on her, lifting his hands in a gesture of defiance. She may have lost part of her memory, but that ruddin´ tiny slip of a girl could still read him like a gorram´ book!

" Got me there, girl." 

He sat back down on the bench, suddenly feeling very exhausted.

" See …I cannot really answer your question……things are complicated."

River felt her heart racing, fluttering in her chest like a little bird caught in a net, trying to break free.  He hadn´t really volunteered any information ….except that now she knew she had been right. There was something between them that was lost ……

" They always seem to be…" she told him with the hint of an ironic smile.

" But there were …….feelings."

 Her voice was almost inaudible, shaky with emotion.

The pull was there again ……she felt drawn to the place he was sitting, like a moth to the flame.

Jayne nodded slowly. He wouldn´t say …….but he couldn´t lie to her about this either.

" You were …." 

What was he supposed to say? When he had first seen her he had been convinced that she was stark raving mad! He had tried to rat her and her brother out to the alliance, only later had he been able to see her in a different light.

" We never ……talked about love." She answered her own question, nodding to herself.

Gingerly River sat down next to him, close, but not close enough to touch.

" Tell me something…." She whispered.

" Tell me something about me…"

Jayne looked at her,  for a while they sat in silence.

" Sparrow…" 

The words had left his mouth even before he knew it. His voice sounded brusque. His hands balled to fists on his thighs without him noticing.

" You told me once you were a sparrow not a swan…….so that´s what I called you sometimes."

Jayne couldn´t help it, he loved the sparkle this piece of information brought to her eyes. Her whole face lit up, as she smiled at him. She didn´t say a word, she just sat there listening to him, her eyes observant and bright.

" You weren´t much of a sleeper then either……always restless. Always walking around without  your gorram´shoes, getting cold feet. You can take apart and reassemble my best gun in a matter of seconds. And you never take no for an answer, no matter how ruddin´ loud one yells at ya´. You are the most wilful, persistent woman I have ever met!"

While he was talking River regarded him.

He looked dangerous to a certain extent, rough …… but still in a ruggedly handsome way. He radiated strength …….and something else that River couldn´t quite name.

His voice was dark and raw and he was close enough for her to feel the warmth his body emanated.

Without a doubt she could see herself falling in love with this man. She only wished she could remember.

He stopped talking the moment she lightly brushed her hand over his knuckles. She laid her head back slightly and closed her eyes as the flash hit her. Her breath caught in her throat….

A strong, warm hand touching her cheek……..one thumb moving over cheekbone.

No power in the ´verse……. It was her own breathy voice River could hear whispering in her mind.

She opened her eyes again to find him staring at her.

 Will you bring the thunder to my life? 

Will you bring the fire to my eyes?

She still could not remember, but there was a knowledge inside of her now, forcing itself to the surface of her mind …….just sitting there, staring at his reserved expression …..

Suddenly she knew that not to long ago she had believed that whatever she had found in him was worth all the tempests it might bring………all the trouble it had brought.

" You should go and ask your brother….." he told her finally, moving to stand.

River shook her head, thinking for a moment.

But then again maybe that was her problem. Maybe reason would not help her here…..she had tried and accomplished nothing. She had tried to be calm and methodical, no matter how much agitation she had felt about all this.

Maybe it was time to leave reason behind and trust her instincts…….maybe she didn´t need to do what she should be doing, but what she felt like doing.

" Do you want to kiss me?" she asked calmly looking up at him.

Jayne stared at her, mouth agape, obviously more than just surprised, more than shocked.

What the hell was she thinking?

Then again, …….it was just like her to do something like that. She´d just loved to catch him unaware…….even without the memories and the craziness, she was still River!

She was not much different from what she had been like before all these things had gone down, how could Simon not see it?

Jayne took two steps backward, his face set.

" Don´t think that´s a good idea!" he told her dismissively.

River lifted her eyebrow again, tilting her head just the way he remembered……

" Well……" she sighed with irritation " ….nobody tells me anything but from what I can gather a few things I must have done started out as a bad idea!"

With an agility and speed Jayne had completely forgotten she had, River moved over to him. Standing on her toes she pressed her lips to his cheek. 

It all happened in a matter of seconds and yet ……….it was almost like the first time she had kissed him, almost at the exact same spot in cargo bay.

It was a very soft, chaste kiss.

Jayne stepped away from  her, his face still held a stony expression. As he looked down on her, River could not read his expression…..she did not reach out with her mind.

On the one hand part of her knew that what she was doing was wrong and unfair. On the other hand there was this incredible necessity she felt, the uncontrollable urge to be physically close to this man. 

Jayne could think of nothing to do than just stand there and stare at her. If he wanted to admit it or not he had missed her ……all of her. Not just the pretty face, the different ways that she smiled, the way she talked, the way she mocked him …..her vulnerability and her strength …all of her.

He could see her, a thousand different pictures in his mind: Her half serious, half mocking face when she told him that she didn´t expect him to slay her monsters, her extended hand holding the knife she had given  him, her tiny hands dismantling Vera…..

River reached out and touched his hand and another flash hit her.

Crying……she was crying and there was no stopping……somebody´s arms were wrapped around her, cradling her……..on the table behind him an arsenal of guns.

Her eyes fluttered open again, focusing again ……it was him. She knew it, she remembered……the Ruber& Decker…..

" …now you´re just teasing me!" she uttered.

" What?" Jayne towered over her, his brow creased up.

She returned his enquiring gaze with puzzlement.

" That´s what you said when I told you that I could reassemble the Ruber &Decker in less than 7 seconds!"

Jayne nodded completely perplexed. She did remember……

It would just blow over, right? Simon would go ballistic!

River shook her head to clear her mind …..it was just a piece, a tiny piece of the puzzle and as far as she could tell there was nothing to retrieve beyond that……….but this she remembered!

Her lips curled into a full, amused smile……

"Your face ……when I put that gun together faster than you……your expression was priceless."

River attempted to mimic the expression she remembered so clearly now and was rewarded with a defensive grunt from Jayne that turned into I snicker.

" I do not look like that……ever!"

"Priceless, I tell you!"

They both laughed. The awkwardness and distance River had sensed seemed to fall away slowly. It was almost as though they could breathe more freely.

I have never felt thunder and lightning than this

I have never been struck by a wonder like this.

As if his hand had a life of it´s own Jayne saw it reach up to cup her cheek, his thumb slowly grazing the smooth skin.

River closed her eyes…..she remember this from another short flash. The touch was so familiar that she leaned into it without hesitation.

Jayne ground his teeth……he remembered her reaction far to well. Slowly he pulled his hand back, tugging one of the dark tresses  that fell across her face behind her ear.

Nothing compares to what you are and what you give.

And I don´t know anything that is as beautiful as you.

I know nothing that´s more beautiful than you.


	27. Fall Apart

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, just this storyline……FIREFLY belongs to Joss Whedon and FOX

NOTES: Here goes the new Chapter! Thanks again for your kind feedback……I really love you guys for loving my stuff!! THANX!!!!!

I know then ending is not too good , but I got the next chapter ready to post in just a few days and ……I think I got a very nice twist for y ´all!!!

 FALL APART

„ How do you do that?"

 River looked up at him……he was so tall, but right now his voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper. For a moment River wasn´t sure if he realized that he had spoken those words out loud.

" Do what?" River asked quietly.

" You …..take my breath away…..every time"

River swallowed, biting her lower lip unconsciously.

There it was again …….all that she could not remember. She felt so linked to this man and yet she really did not know why……as to the how; River had a pretty good idea.

His hand had lingered behind her ear for a moment, but now he pulled it back.

" I don´t remember……." River breathed sadly. 

" I know ……"

" You don´t know enough!" Jayne told her grimly, crossing his arms in front of his broad chest in order to make sure that his hands wouldn´t move out of their own accord again.

There was hurt in her pretty face now, pain and sadness that he had thought he would never see again…..now that she couldn´t remember. But erasing all the things from her mind that had made her sick and sad in the first place had obviously not been the solution to the problem. Now she was hurting because she could not remember and no matter what that ruddin´ idiot  Simon Tam thought……..the girl was well aware that there were things lost to her. She did not know the secrets, but she knew they were there.

And Jayne knew River Tam well enough to know that she would never rest until she had dragged them out into the light for her to see. 

He could tell by the confused and anguished look in her face that she needed to know. 

She had a gorram´ right to it, it was her life after all!

Still …Jayne could not bring himself to tell her …..everything. It was not his decision to make, Simon had made that abundantly clear to him.

" I need to know ……." River said gently, eyes searching his face. She could feel the conflicting emotions in him. 

Jayne ground his teeth and shook his head, hands falling to his sides again.

This girl had become something  apart from all the others to him. 

She had changed his perspective ……….suddenly all the things that the others did not get about him had ceased to count in a way, because she had seen him, taken the good with the bad.

This girl had become his secret ally as much as…….what exactly she was to him was a question Jayne Cobb didn´t even dare to answer to himself.

She was warmth, the thought of her a strange comfort  and something else that Jayne had rarely experienced in his life – unquestioning  acceptance.

The gorram´girl – crazy or not- confused him and even though he would never say it out loud ……she made him happy. The memory she had described, the recollection of them competing in reassembling his guns, was without a doubt one of the best memories he had. 

Jayne Cobb, who did not trust people and didn´t usually kiss girls on their lips, had never thought that he´d ever feel this protective of anyone. Least of all the pompous doctor´s crazy sister…….and that was exactly why he could not bare the thought of telling her in what state she had been when she had come aboard.

Slowly and attentively River stepped forward, right into his arms.

She waited for the flash ….but it didn´t come, not even when she felt his arms close around her back. She knew a part of him didn´t want to have her so close, but the other one had apparently won……the part that held her so tight that she had trouble breathing.

None of them said a word.

River felt the tips of his fingers run down the bare skin of her shoulders. The touch gave her goose- pimples all the way down her arms to her fingers. He ran his hands down her arm.

" You´re cold." He growled, holding her away from him.

River shook her head.

Jayne furrowed his brow, one hand cradling her smooth cheek again.

His touch was almost hesitant, as though he thought that she might just melt away like a dream.

" What´s wrong?" River asked him.

Now it was his turn to lift his brow at her.

" Apart from the obvious?"

Apart from this was not gonna end well and that she had only the slightest glimpse of her memories? Apart from the fact that he ruddin´girl had evidently no idea that she was playing with fire…….but then again, River had always done that!

He stepped away, grabbing his towel.

" I need to go ……and you .."

" Why?"

Jayne looked down. He had to stop staring at the ruddin´girl or he´d never be able to go.

" Because you don´t have a clue what the ruddin´hell is going on and I don´t trust myself with you!"

" Why?" she repeated impatiently. 

Jayne ground his teeth. Crazy or not that gorram girl never changed!

" There´s about a million ruddin´ reasons why!" he told her sternly. 

" With you around I feel like I have no control about what I do, like I can´t control the situation."

" In what way?"

" I every gorram´way, River…..!"

He could see from the look on her face that she liked none of his answers.

" You don´t even know…."

" That´s hardly my fault, is it ?" she returned coolly

" You won´t answer my questions, neither will Simon…."

" You should talk to him!"

" Why won´t you tell me?"

Jayne´s breath came out in a hiss. 

" I can´t ……..go ask your brother."

" So this was his idea……."

" No…..well yeah, in a way. We thought it would be best if …."

Oh, gorrammit! How did she do that? How did she make people tell her things that they wanted to keep to themselves?

" And you agreed?"

She was angry now, he could see it.

He nodded slowly.

" Yes…….at first, but now I´m nor so sure…."

" Good!"

River turned around brusquely, starting off towards the corridor without looking back at him. 

There was a bad feeling coiling up in the pit of Jayne´s stomach.

None of this was good in any way.

She would not cry. River could hear her own breathing, erratic and shallow, in the silence of the infirmary.

I will not cry …..I will not, she promised herself over and over again, repeating the words in her mind like a mantra.

It was painfully easy to pick the lock of the last drawer of the cabinet. She had known her brother would not keep his diary in his room, there was no place to hide it.

Somehow she was mildly surprised that Simon still kept a diary at all.

He would never tell her the truth….she knew it. She had asked him  and he had lied …..

 Now he would have to reveal his secrets…..in a way: his thoughts on paper would tell the story.

River blinked several times, forcing back tears ……she would not cry!

What she did was not right, she was well aware of that, invading her brother's secrets and thoughts this way. But she could not go on like this, living in unawareness, in doubt about everything, about herself. She needed to know…….the uncertainty was killing her slowly…..eating away inside of her.

I will not cry, she told herself again, flipping through the pages of Simon´s diary like a manic.

A few hours later, Simon found his sister sitting on the floor of the infirmary with red rimmed eyes, torn paper scattered around her. It took him a few minutes to realize that it was his diary she had apparently torn up.

As he entered River lifted her head, staring at Simon´s upset face.

" Mei-Mei…."

She knew …..everything. She had read his diary…….

River swallowed , shaking her head.

" Don´t…" she whispered, her voice filled with grief.

" Don´t talk to me!"

She had to struggle with every word, force them violently to leave her mouth. It had become hard to breathe more than an hour ago…..like some invisible hand was clenched around her throat, reaching into her chest to squeeze her heart.

Getting up from the floor very slowly, River´s eyes fixed on her brother´s horrified expression.

Simon could not stand the look on her face. He winced as River gave a strangled cry, desperately gasping for breath. She looked at him as though he had just plunged a knife into her chest and was now giving it a turn for good measure.

River shook her head again.

She could not believe it, she couldn´t ……but it was true. She had read it in his own words, she could see it in his eyes.

And despite of her mantra she could feel tears forming in her eyes, slowly running down her cheeks, over her nose. 

The pain of it all was ripping her up from inside, threatening to tear her apart.

" How could you…." 

It wasn´t even a whisper.

" How could you do this ….."

Simon closed his eyes. 

" River…" He stepped forward in order to pull her into his arms, but his sister backed away.

" Don´t touch me…." She hissed furiously, staring at him with wide eyes.

" Don´t you  come near me, Simon!"

Simon stared back at her, confused. It took him a few minutes to figure out that he had misinterpreted the whole situation. River was not so much  upset because of the things she had read in his diary, the things she had done, her altered state of mind ……..the thing the alliance had implanted in her head….

She was upset because he had withheld this information from her, because he had lied to her.

" Oh , River ….."  Simon uttered apologetically.

" How could you Simon?" she yelled at him, her voice shaking.

" How could you betray me like this? You of all people …my own brother!"

Simon stepped towards her again, but she evaded him.

But he needed to make her understand! He could not have her think that he would ever hurt her……after all they had been though!

" River ……Mei-Mei…..I only wanted you to be happy, the way you were before!"

he pleaded helplessly.

He heard steps behind him, catching the sight of  Inara and Mal out of the corner of his eye.

He could hear footsteps too, people were gathering in the doorframe of the infirmary, evidently drawn in  by River´s yelling.

She did not seem to care, still focused on her brother.

Her face contorted by pain and anguish.

" Did it ever occur to you that I might have been happier with the knowledge……? Do you even know what you did? You murdered me!"

" River, I would never harm you…never!"

" But you did!" she screamed, still sobbing.

" You murdered me ……murdered the person I was before! You are no better than the men who did this to me!"

Simon could feel his hands balling to fists.

" How can you say that! I gave up everything to save you…..I only wanted what was best for you River! Wanted you to live your life the way it should have been, free from all that …..I never ……….I didn´t even decide this!"

Mal looked to the side, seeing Jayne, Zoë and Wash coming through the corridor.

He didn´t know what to do …..he couldn´t just step in there. 

The catastrophe had finally arrived……

He looked at Inara and he knew what she was thinking. The truth hadn´t taken too long to crawl back out of it´s shallow grave. Simon had obviously not dug deep enough.

They should have all known better, but he and Jayne had tried to warn him.

" Oh no …you did not decide …" River told her brother bitterly. " It was just too convenient…….. you would have decided on your own and you made it quite impossible for …..him to have another opinion since you had my best interest in mind!"

She took another shuddering breath. She had noticed the crew´s presence, saw the sympathy and shock on Kaylee´s face. She did not look up to Jayne, even though she could feel his eyes on her.

" How could he not …..look selfish? How could they not agree when all you wanted was for me to be happy?"

" Now River, girl …that´s not true…"

Simon shot Jayne an angry look. He did not need his help in explaining things to his own little sister.

" I need them back ….."

she finally said coldly to Simon.

" What?" he asked confused.

" My memories….."

" River …I can´t, whatever you think, I did not take them from you …..you just read…."

" I read it, but I don´t remember ……I need to, without them I´am  nothing, not myself……..not whole!"

" River …..I can´t give them back to you and even if I could ……"

River nodded.  She wiped some of the trails the tears had left on her face away absentmindedly.

" …you wouldn´t ." she finished for him.

" I know you gave up everything to save me…." River added, still crying. " And I will never forget that but I cannot forgive you for this, no matter why you thought it was right to keep the truth from me. I´m not a child…….this is my life! You tried to take a part of that away from me ……and I cannot live without that part of me, empty like a sky without clouds. It is killing me!" River could hear her own voice breaking, it was so hard to speak that it hurt her throat.

Mal looked at Simon´s face, unable to not feel sympathy for the young doctor. Simon had done what he thought was in his sister´s best interest ………and he had been wrong.

River turned away from him, her eyes fixing on Jayne who stood behind Inara and Mal, gnawing on his lip.

She was talking so softly that at first, Mal thought she was not saying anything, but her lips moved. She just stood there, all the anger and grief leaving her ……leaving a confused and emotionally drained girl. And for the first time in a very long while River really looked as young to him, as she really was. When River Tam had been out of her mind, she had worn her lunacy like an expensive dress, still fighting, trying to find her way. Now she looked like a crumbled puppet whose strings had been cut, all that spirit and perseverance seemed to have left her….

 For the first time in a long time River was nothing more than a desperate, helpless girl who didn´t know which way to turn.

Simon stared at his little sister and what he saw was more than you could bear. 

Jayne and Mal, he had to admit, had been right……..not the truth was bound to destroy her, he had done that just as well with his good intentions……

" River",  he whispered cautiously, slowly holding out an arm to her.

" I´m  so sorry…."

River took his hand, folding against him finally…….she couldn´t hold on……so she just let go. Mal had never seen her like this. He had seen her confused, crazy, scared ………but never this weak, just crying like there was no tomorrow.

But he could tell from the grim look on Jayne´s face that not even this side of her was new to the mercenary.

" Tell me…." She whispered beseechingly,  turning her head to Jayne 

" Tell me we will be okay. Please promise me! Promise me we will be ……."

" 


	28. REverse

DISCLAIMER: THEY ARE SOOO NOT MINE!

Notes: Here goes the new chapter …..next chapter is almost done ……and it´ll have more Jayne in it!!!

REVERSE

They had put her to bed like a child…..she had not protested to be handled this way. All of her strength had left her. 

Still …as exhausted as she might be …she could not sleep.

She just lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling……no more crying.

She could not cry anymore, she had no tears left to cry.

So River just stared at the ceiling……feeling nothing. It was as though all feeling had been drained from her. She felt empty …..

For hours she just lay in her bed listening to Serenity ……without moving at all.

There was only one thing for her left, only one way open to her.

If this id not work …..how could she ever be herself again?

Simon looked up to see his sister standing in the doorway of his cabin.

" I need your help." She whispered throatily.

He let her talk while his eyes widened. 

He dared not to interrupt her….he felt like he had lost her in some way. So he was desperate to hang on to any part of her being that she offered to open to him again.

She could see his indignation in his face, but she did not stop.

 " We will do this in here, not in the infirmary and you will not tell anyone …..just tell them I´m resting!"

Either he´d help her or not. She did not have the time or patience to make this easy on him.

"If you want to show me that I can still trust you after this, if you want me to forgive you……you will do this for me."

Simon stared at his sister, her calm, collected demeanour, her dark eyes that betrayed nothing. Her expression had hardened, like she was hiding behind this mask of indifference. There was something unwavering about her, something unyielding.

" I´m your brother River, I love you …….you cannot put a price on forgiveness."

" I just did" she stated matter- of -factly, running her hands along her arms as though the thought chilled her.

" You are my brother and I love you very much too, but you don´t understand. I don´t feel anything most of the time and if I do it´s like a surge, a whirlwind that I cannot control. All the things I read in your diary, I don´t remember! Not the thing on Ariel, not being kidnapped by mountainfolk who wanted to burn me for being a witch, not the bounty-hunter or attacking ….Jayne…with a kitchen knife…..the Reavers. I read it and I feel nothing, like it does not concern me, like it happened to someone else."

" River…."

 He tried to cut in, but she ignored him. The way she talked scared Simon beyond compare …..his beautiful, genius sister who had been so full life before. Even in her altered state of mind she had been fuelled by  a fierce passion. Now there seemed to be nothing left of it……her voice sounded hollow and detached.

" You can see it too….can´t you?" 

She told him with only the hint of a bitter smile.

" I don´t know myself anymore Simon …..I´m loosing myself, because I cannot recapture who I was.  This feeling of emptiness is killing me, slowly devouring me from the inside out until there will be nothing left of me………only this hollow shell .That´s  why I need your help!"

" How is putting you back in an atrificial coma going to help you River?" 

Simon asked her desperately.

River breathed deep. She knew she had to go with the truth here, she could not lie to him, no matter how much he had disappointed her.

" I´m not sure it will, I´m not even sure what I will do ……how things will work out. I´m following a hunch."

" That is insane…"

" Maybe, but no drug of yours can make me remember and I need answers, I need to find what is lost to me and there is really only one way to go …..only one place where I might find all the answers."

Simon shook his head, taking River´s hands in his own, squeezing them tightly.

" I don´t want to loose you River. After all we´ve been through……who knows what might happen. What if …"  he hesitated a moment. 

" What if you can´t deal with all those memories, what if you have another breakdown and lose your sanity again …maybe forever? I could not bear the thought of that River…I saw how much it took out of you…."

" I can´t , Simon."

River whispered imploringly.

" I cannot let this go …..it takes much more out of me, there is no real me. Whatever I forgot it is a part of me that …….." 

She sighed, returning the pressure to Simon´s hands.

" Don´t you understand, Simon…….if I let this fear, yours or mine, prevent me from finding  out….if I let it rule me, then I will never be free! If I give this dread any kind of  power over me, then it will be my master! There are so many things to be afraid of, but I should not be afraid to know who I am…….all of me!"

" Jayne would have a thing or two  to say about that plan of yours!" Simon added under his breath, turning away from her. River heard him none the less.

She took another deep breath. Like she did not know that ……it was not just Jayne, River would stake her life on the fact that the captain would not look to kindly on her idea either.

" That´s why he´s not here…." She answered her brother´s remark. 

Simon looked back to his sister in surprise. For the first time in their conversation there was something like emotion in her voice.

" I cannot let you or anybody else decide my fate, Simon."

He nodded, knowing he would finally cave in. There was nothing he would not do for his sister, and River knew it. She was right in a way, even he could see it if he looked beyond his own need to protect her. If he or Jayne or the captain would try to prevent her from doing what she felt she had to do …..they would not be better than the alliance scientists who had tried to control her, twist her, bend her to their ways.

" I ……I know I feel something for him. It´s like a brushfire when I touch him …..but I cannot remember …..I need to remember! I need your help!"

Simon nodded again, looking into her eyes.

" Okay, but tell me ……tell me why…..tell me what exactly you think you need to do."

" I can´t Simon, I told you it´s a hunch, I don´t even know …….but I think there is only one way open to me now, only one place to find …."

His eyes widened as the meaning of her words started to dawn on him. Simon stumbled back a few steps, still gazing at River.

He shook his head. If he did this, if he really did as she asked ……it was only a question of who´d rip his head off from his neck, Mal or Jayne.

" Oh no …..River!"

But River just stood there, calm and assured. 

" The is no other way  for me to go Simon…..nothing but …." , she took a hold of his hand again, squeezing it lightly.

" ….back down the rabbit-hole."

River stepped through the doorway, feeling her naked feet sinking into the dark, glittering scent. She felt the door slam shut behind her, but the sound didn´t startle or worry her.

Laying her head back she looked up into the empty sky, savouring the cool wind that swept up the hem of her dress, making it flutter against her legs.

The vast desert in front of her didn´t fill her with alarm……it simply fascinated her.

River started moving. She walked through the twilight that seemed ever lasting in this place. She knew now that she had not created this place……but the thought did not scare her. 

River was not sure how long she just walked through the desert,  the howling tearing at her clothes and hair……until she had found what she hadn´t even consciously looked for.

The carcass lay behind a small rock- formation, half covered by the black, fine sand……the empty shell of a big, gleaming insect.

River felt her brow crease up as she stared at it …….she had killed it, she didn´t remember it, but she must have…..

After what seemed like a small eternity to her River made up her mind.

She gradually lifted one arm and moved her hand over the remains ……..without really knowing why. She was all instinct now.

To her own astonishment the dead thing turned into her……a perfect copy of herself.

She knew that the picture in front of her should scare her, shock her, but it didn´t …..

She looked down at the other River, the dead thing with it´s eyes glazed over with a sickly grey, the mouth slightly opened in a surprised "O" ……it was her and yet it wasn´t.

River knelt down next to the thing, closing her eyes, summoning all her strength to just get through what she thought she had to do.

Trying to over come her repulsion River took a deep breath and finally leaned down to the dead thing.

Forcing herself to not think about it she closed her lips over her mirror- image´s mouth and forced the air from her breath into those dead lungs.

Trying not to throw up, wiping one hand violently over her mouth River waited. 

Nothing happened.

Just when River was about to repeat the whole procedure, doubting her actions to make any sense…… the dead thing gave a piping gasp. Struggling desperately it took several heaving, frantic breaths.

River´s hand struck faster than an uncoiling snake as she gripped her copy firmly around the throat. The eyes that had been dead and grey just moments ago now stared up at her in amazement, glowing with a raging fire like her own. 

It moved only a tiny fraction to the right but as it caught sight of River lifting her other hand in front of it´s face the thing´s body went rigid again. While River´s right hand was still holding it´s neck in a vice grip, her other hand was curled around the handle  of a long hunting knife.

" One wrong move and I crush your windpipe or cut your throat ……you choose!"

Her own voice sounded strange and cold in her own ears.

The thing didn´t flinch, it just blinked, still gazing up at her with her own eyes.

" You killed me….." it whispered with  a raw voice.

" Looks like it."

" Why did you ……and how?" 

River took her time to ponder the question, there was no mistaking the calculating tone of it´s voice. How could her own voice sound yet so different?

" Yes, I killed you."

River finally said with a dead calm that surprised herself.

" And I restored you…..I have to admit that I didn´t know if I could, now I do……now I understand. This is my mind and I am the master here, ……my will be done. You are here because I brought you back. Don´t mistake this, I brought you back and I can extinguish you just as easily!"

With an almost fascinated calm River witnessed the face that stared up at her, her own face take on a malignant expression. It was like looking into a mirror, but not quite ……

"And now ……what do you want from  me?"

River pursed her lips in dismay, tightening her grip just a little, watching the other thing´s eyes blaze at her in defiance.

" Don´t play coy with me!" River hissed as a surge of feeling …..of anger rose up inside of her.

" You know full well what it is I want! You tricked me…….you knew that the price for my freedom from you was a greater one than I´m willing to pay!"

The other thing smiled. 

Despite of River´s tight grip around it´s throat and the knife pointing at it´s chest, it lifted a pale hand to her face.

River felt it´s touch like a cool draught on her skin.

" You taught me a lesson, didn´t you?" she spat out angrily.

" Destroying you is also the key to my own destruction …….if I´m not willing to live my life without some of the most important memories ……some of the ones I hold dearest."

The thing pursed it´s lips, mimicking River´s facial expression, returning her intent look.

" Little River Tam …." 

It finally answered in a sing song voice.

" ……grown wise beyond her years."

She tightened her grip again, making it hard for her nemesis to breathe.

" I guess years of suffering will do that to a person."

The thing smiled again, the parody of a loving, almost motherly smile……it was a frightening thing to see.

" You were right, little sister…." 

River´s eyes widened…..she did not think that she could experience flashes on her own dream-plain, but the memory hit her none the less.

A warm breeze, a cold, unbending embrace……..a fingers twisted between her own around the handle of a sword …….somebody whispering in her ear

…..you were not made for this….let me do this for you, little sister….

River gasped, her eyes boring into it´s face. 

These jumbled, torn pieces of a memory had given her more insight than reading her brother´s diary. Finally …..finally she understood.

" You…."

The thing stroked it´s cold fingers down her cheek again.

" You don´t belong to me, you were not a part of me …of my psyche, but now …."

" …..we are one." The thing ended the sentence for her.

River nodded, her breathing fast and shallow.

Somehow the thing had found a way to anchor itself in her psyche, had taken the place of something else…….

" So it seems." River alleged.

" Without shadow …..there can be no light. Each of us has a dark side…..a hidden part of ourselves were nightmares dwell…..and you are mine …now. I cannot leave you behind without losing a part of me."

For a second River felt so overcome with desolation that she wanted nothing more than to plunge that knife into her mirror-image´s  chest……to kill it again, for good …..to never bring it back. But she couldn´t …….

" You made very sure that it´s a part of me that I value for too much for my own good."

 She whispered bleakly. Then her face hardened again as defiance rose up in her. 

She would not let this thing bamboozle her again! She would not be played again!

This was her mind …….she ruled here!

" So….." the thing said languidly.

" So….." River repeated, a grim smile coming to her lips.

" Whatever you think it is not going to go your way! You may think you have the upper hand here, but believe me ….Sister…" she emphasized the word with great care.

" …you don´t! By inserting yourself into my consciousness…my psyche you  may have become a part of me, a part of my mind. But that also means that you are not an invader anymore, a guest no longer! You are a part of my mind now and as a part of me, you have become mine to command. You may have still a certain independence here, in the dark place but out there I run this show!"

She saw the thing´s eyes narrow as it seemed to ponder her revelation.

" I want my memories back!" River demanded harshly.

" All of them, good and bad! If that makes me confused at times, so be it!"

" But…"

" There will be no buts here……" she cut it off, letting the edge of her knife touch the thing´s neck.

" You wanna stay here? These are my conditions and they are not negotiable, either you accept or you will go back to oblivion! And don´t think I will not do it …..

You will never interfere again or try to act without my strict invitation. You can keep your domain here and I will visit you, sometimes even allow you to participate in my life should the circumstances allow it. You will never try to take over again! You will not withhold anything from me ….if you ever try to deceive me again I will end you and there will be no coming back for you! "

She tightened her grip again to make sure she had the thing´s full attention.

" If you do this and prove to me that what you really want is to stay alive…..if you really prove that we can work together and I don´t have to watch my back constantly……then we can be allies, one day maybe even friends. That is the deal and I will offer it to you only this once….." 

Closing her eyes, sighing…River could almost see Jayne´s grim face. She could vividly image what his opinion would be about striking another deal with the devil.

He´d shake her until her teeth rattled………..

……..are you out of your ruddin´mind girl?

" ……take it or leave it."

Opening her eyes again she found the thing staring back at her, considering it´s options.

There were only two….

" How do I know that I can trust you to keep your end of the bargain once I restore your memory? What if one day you find another way to get rid of me?"

"You don´t….." River answered truthfully.

" But if you are true to your word, I will not betray you either. You may not feel, but I can feel for both of us and I know that a part of you longs for something the alliance can never give you…"

" What might that be…."

" You said it yourself ……little sister, that´s what you call me, that´s what you want …..not to be alone. The alliance can never give you that……to them you are a weapon, a drone……they did this to you as much as they did this to me. If you prove yourself to me …..we can be sisters , you and I!"

The thing nodded slowly.

" I would like that …."

Very slowly River loosened her grip around it´s neck, but kept the knife still in place.

" There are things you need to know …..to take care of…." 

It told her calmly.

" I know …I feel it, so give me back my life ….all of it!"

With the edge of River´s still at it´s throat River´s copy raised its hand to her temples, lifting itself upwards.

River flinched; the knife drew a tiny bit of blood.

" Do we have a deal?" she asked.

" Yes, little sister…….we shall be allies." 

Then it sat up slowly, pulling River´s head forward to place a kiss on her forehead.

River felt a sudden heat radiating through her ….a thousand images and feelings rushing into her like water being poured from a decanter into a glass.

Reaver breathed deep, just kneeling there trying to absorb all the muddled impressions that suddenly crowded her mind. She knew it would make time to sort through them, to really understand and make sense of it all.

She blinked in bewilderment.

" Something is missing…." She muttered more to herself than to her mirror-image.

" The Reavers…."

" That is not your memory…..it is mine!" The other thing elaborated evenly.

" I told you not to keep things hidden from me!" 

" I am not…….not the way you think. What happened on that ship was not your doing, it was me. It should not cause you pain."

River stared at her own face, so serene and secure. There was no emotion apparent in those features, nothing in those eyes but some kind of interest and curiosity. It looked like her and at the same time it could not have looked less like the face she saw when she really looked into a mirror.

" Are you trying to protect me ….why?" she asked quietly.

" I´m a part of you now, you said so. We may never be one, but …..we  are linked now…here. So let me take this for you. You told me yourself that I don´t feel …..I don´t experience fear or love or remorse, you…..all you do is feel….everything. You consist of emotion…..that´s why I cannot share this memory with you."

It held River´s enquiring stare for a minute before it slowly got to it´s feet.

River could not believe it …..the thing was offering her a way out of her predicament.

But there should not be an easy way out…..

She unhurriedly shook her head.

" I unleashed you on them ……I killed them as surely as you did. I should bear the responsibility."

Her copy tilted it´s head to one side much like River sometimes did herself, seemingly considering her objection.

" My loyalty is to you now …little sister, so let me prove this to you. Let me carry this load…..it is nothing to me, but it could cause you great distress and pain. Entrust me to be the keeper of this secret. I think the glimpses you had of what we did …I did, the things you saw in your nightmares and those flashes should suffice. You know what happened, you just don´t know how."

" How do I know that this is not another of your ploys? That there won´t come a day when you´ll use this memory as a weapon against me?"

" I´m part of you now…..I need you to be sane." It stated sincerely.

" The human mind is a frail thing. You have proven your strength to me but there are things that could break even a spirit like yours. Guilt is a strong opponent. Once I tried to destroy your sanity to be able to take over your body and mind. Now……"

She extended her hand to River who hesitantly took it. The thing pulled her to her feet in a smooth, effortless motion.

" Now I cannot exist without you…..to survive we both depend on your sanity. I need to ensure it."


	29. Square One

DISCLAIMER:  

The Characters are merely borrowed, they belong to Fox and Joss Whedon, I only take them out to play …..

NOTES: Yes guys….. I realize that this is not one of my best chapters, the ending suxx  and I´m not entirely happy with it, but I have a paper to finish and …well……I needed some romance and I know so did a few of you. Please bear with me!

SQUARE ONE

Jayne knew something had changed the moment he laid eyes on her. The hatch opened with a hiss and she climbed down the letter as swiftly as a squirrel.

 She did not have to wake him, he hadn´t been able to sleep anyway. He had just sat there on his bed, reclining against the wall, pondering his situation.

Looking into her attentive eyes now, animated by the fire that she been lacking for a very long time, it almost seemed to Jayne Cobb that he was waking from a dream.

She was a little breathless, her cheeks slightly flushed …..there was a vibrant glow to her that had not been there before. 

Jayne got to his feet as she came towards him, smiling……shining in the dim light as though her skin had been illuminated from within.

It was her ….Jayne could see it in her eyes. She was back…..somehow she had recovered, reclaimed what she had lost…..her memory.

Jayne could feel his stomach clench. Before he knew what he was doing his hands were already framing her face as he stared at her.

" River……"

She still smiled, but it was laced with sadness and caution. River could hear her own heartbeat booming in her ears. The warm, fuzzy feeling was spreading from under her collarbone through her whole body. 

Whatever the crew´s reaction might be……standing there in his bunk, feeling his warm, rough hands cradling her cheeks was worth everything she had done. Being able to remember……him, her feelings…..River realized suddenly that she´d have bargained her soul for this.

" I love you." she whispered breathlessly, almost too quietly to be heard.

"  I don´t know how, I don´t know why……I didn´t even realize it until just now, but I do. I love you and you can turn away or not believe me, but I know it´s true. And it´s not gonna change…." 

She could see the impact her words had ……emotions were playing over his face to fast for him to cover them up. 

His hands fell from her face to his sides and he stepped backwards just a little. 

River felt her breath catch in her throat.

She knew him too well to know that this was nothing she should have just said out loud after everything that had happened. There was so much to explain, so much to sort through. 

But she had not been able to keep her feelings or her words in check …..she was too overwhelmed with all the emotions swirling inside of her.

" You don´t have to say anything…." 

Jayne opened his mouth to say something, but noticed that he did not know what to say.

Had she ……she didn´t! …….she couldn´t ! 

That gorram´ girl ………..what the hell was she thinking just dropping this bomb in his lap?

She knew that he was not very fond of this ruddin´ feelings babble ……and still she …..

In his whole life there had only been one person to ever say those words to Jayne Cobb….and that was his mother!

Jayne was not sure how to deal with the fact that this tiny, irritating slip of a girl, who drove him crazy most of the time ……….

Simon would most likely burst a blood-vessel if he knew!

Now there was a thought ……apart from not being able to cope with River´s frankness, the thought made him grin unconsciously.

Jayne decided to disregard her last words and furrowed up his brow.

" You remember …"

River nodded.

" It´s coming back …..some things slower than others. It´s like pieces of a puzzle coming together….but I remember you. I remember us."

She knew she had to come clean about the other thing…so River started talking, talking so fast that it was simply impossible for him to get a word in between. She told him everything…..not holding back. Her voice serious and calm, but still.

The more she talked the graver his expression grew.

She could tell he did not like it……she had known that before.

" River, what the gorram´hell have you done, girl?" he asked her grimly.

" I did what I had to do. It is done Jayne …please understand. I know I made mistakes ….but this is none!"  

She hesitated, slowly stepping up to him.

" I´m sorry for what I did…..leaving like this to go after the Reavers, deceiving you so ….."

River swallowed hard, she knew her voice was shaky and she hated herself for it. She needed to be strong now …needed to make him understand.

But she had been strong for so long and she was growing tired. 

All the things she felt about him were good and true, even though it had not always been thus. When she was with him she felt …..it, something she could not put into words. River knew that she and her brother had lost everything, there was no going back. But when she was with this rough, grouchy mercenary …..River Tam felt at home…..and she never wanted this feeling to go away again …ever. 

She had not risked so much just to see this turn into ashes in her hands.

" I have no right to judge you or Simon for lying or keeping things from me, because I did the same. I deceived you ……I drugged you because I thought . …..it was the best thing to do. I´m so sorry. And now I went and did this …..I feel like every time I try to make things better I end up making them worse."

River felt a chill run down her spine, thinking about the things the other thing must have done to leave her covered in blood.

" How can you trust me?" she breathed.

" How can you look at me and not see a monster?"

Jayne rolled his eyes as he stared down at her lowered head.

Had she lost her mind again? There were a whole lotta things that came to his mind when he looked at her……none of them had in any way to do with monsters.

" Oh cut it out, will ya?" he growled at her impatiently.

" I betrayed you first, you and your ruddin´ brother. I would have fed you to the ruddin´sharks if someone paid me enough money! I did not know …..   so I guess we´re even now!"

He pinched his eyes shut for a second , thinking …..he did not know if he could put all the things in words that went through his mind. But then again ….so far the gorram´girl had been worth the effort.

" You are right, I don´t like the idea of that ruddin´ thing ……that autopilot being back. But it´s your ruddin´ life, River and noone except you should have a say in it! It´s just that …..I don´t trust that thing and neither should you! If you tell me that this time you´re in the gorram´ pilot -seat and there´s no way that thing could ever take over again …….I´ll believe you."

River looked up at him with a faint smile.

" Thank you …." .

Jayne nodded at her, grinding his teeth. There was something else ……Jayne could see it in her eyes. Something else was bothering her. It stood between them like a wall……and he did not quite know what to make of it.

" About all the other stuff ….." he finally told her grimly, " …... I never saw you like that, a monster or watcha ´ wanna call it. Hell,  I´d be the last gorram´ person on this ship to judge what you did ……you did what ya´ had to do. So you drugged me up a little and that drove me ruddin´ mad,…… but I did a whole lotta things that I ain´t proud of either. If it had been up to me ……that mountainfolk would have roasted you and I bet you know that. So if you can forgive that I think I should let this just slide by ……"

River still gazed at him with a severe look in those dark eyes, Jayne did not like it ……

" So you don´t feel like you need to watch your back around me ….now that you know she´s back."

Jayne´s forehead creased up slightly. It was the first time that River referred to the thing as a she …..so far she had always said "it". He pressed his lips together before he answered.

" I trust you River …"

His words sounded repressed and a little hoarse. It had cost him to actually say it out loud and he could tell by her look that she was aware of that.

" You´re not a baby…..you can handle yourself in a tight spot and we both know that I like that about you. If push comes to shove I´d rather have you on my side…..I´d feel a whole lot better …….so much for trust and I ain´t the trustin´ kind."

Jayne took a deep breath and sat down on his bed. Propping his elbows up on his thighs he shook his head. When he spoke again he was looking at the floor not at her.

" You know I am not a man of great words so listen closely, I´ll only say this once and deny ever saying it at all, you understand? I´d put my life in those white little hands of yours anytime. I trust you with my life River Tam…….you want it? It´s yours."

He still did not look at her. For a moment there was absolute silence …..no sound except for their uneven breathing. River´s throat felt so dry that it hurt. She could feel her racing pulse throbbing in her temples.

" That´s the most important thing …right?"  Her voice sounded weak and brittle like a dried up leaf about to crumble to pieces.

Jayne looked into her general direction but not into her face and lifted an eyebrow at her.

He had gone out on a limb for her ….he never did this for anyone. What did the gorram´girl want now?

She knew that he hated to talk about stuff like this…….this was as far as Jayne Cobb had ever been to baring his soul to anyone. It was too ruddin´ far !

Still it seemed that there was something about this whole situation that he had missed, something she needed from him.

" What else is there?" he said, realizing that it sounded a lot like a challenge.

Gorrammit! This was not the way things should be going ….. ……

" Your heart." She stated simply, her voice so soft and breathy that it was almost impossible to understand.

But the words hang in the air between them, heavy and unmoving like a piece of rubble.

Jayne just gaped at her.

" What the ruddin ´ hell…."

" You´d put your life in my hands, your guns ……but …."

Jayne could not help it. He laughed. It was a harsh, grim sound that echoed off the walls. 

He leaned his head back, shaking it slightly.

" Oh hell……."

" River just looked down at him in obvious confusion. 

" ….hell…..lil´ sparrow…..and what would you do with that ruddin´thing? Fly away with it?"

Jayne got up and stood in front of her, close enough to feel her breath on his collarbone, but not close enough for their bodies to touch.

" Can´t give that to you , girl. It´s too late."

River sensed herself take a sharp breath even though she felt like choking. Her brows knit together.

" What …do you mean?"

" Darlin´…" Jayne snickered involuntarily.

" I handed that gorram´ thing over to you a long time ago ……along with the bit of common sense I ever had!"

River´s face broke into a full grown smile. At the same time she hit his shoulder as hard as she could.

" You ….you ….mean bastard! How could you!"

" Hey ..Hey…." Jayne caught a hold of her wrists, pulling her towards him. They were both laughing ……stumbling.

This time River´s laughter was not the pretty, silvery sound of bells or wind chimes….the sweet, girly laugh he remembered. It was the full, womanly laughter he had heard only once, wild and heartrendingly pure…..free and filled with relief and joy.

" Well …." Jayne elaborated, still trying to fend her off as she struggled.

" You pretty much had me when I saw you dismantle Vera! Despite your annoying quirks and complete craziness, and the fact that you might one day be the death of me …..I thought to myself; She can shoot, she attacks me with a knife and is not afraid of me……..this is a girl I´d better hold on to!"

" I´m gonna make you pay for this …you know that right?" River told him as she tried to squirm her way out of his grasp. 

Jayne grinned down at her. He loved it when she looked like that…..that mass of dark hair all dishevelled, her pale skin slightly flushed, her lips in a pouty, mischievous smile.

He still held her small wrist tight in one hand while his other arm snaked around her slender waist.

" I´ll get back at you!" 

He cocked an eyebrow at her.

" Oh sparrow ……I´m  ruddin´sure you will."

River stopped struggling as he pulled her closer.

But Jayne knew better than to fully release her…..there was still a dangerous glint in her eye and by now he knew better than to underestimate River Tam.

She tilted her head to the side slowly, looking up into his eyes…..a gesture that never failed to entice him.

" There´s still things we need to talk about…." He said, his voice low and dark. River copuld feel it rumbling in his chest.

" I think you´ve done enough talking …if this is your idea of charming a girl!

" So .... can I kiss you now or will you bite?"

" Haven´t decided yet!" she whispered, standing on her tip toes.

" Why don´t you find out?"

 SORRY …YES , Yes …..next chapter will pick up here …I promise!!!!


	30. Eros and Psyche

DISCLAIMER: The brilliant characters of this ( now emmy nominated …yay…..) show belong to Mutant Enemy and Fox. I just like to …play.

NOTES: First of all thanks for the feedback and SORRY for letting you wait!

A big Hurrah ..for the impending release of Firefly on DVD. Can´t wait till December!!!

So here goes the new plot……I hope you´ll like it since I´m just getting started. There will be no updates until 9th August since I´ll be in Finnland on holiday . But since we´ll be in the middle of nowhere with ..ahhh …NOTHING  to do I think I´ll have updates galore for you when I return . 

That is if there are still people who wanna read this!!

Thanx so much …hope you enjoy. The ride is still a little bumpy but I got some good thinks still up my sleeve.

EROS AND PSYCHE

That gorram´girl! 

Jayne´s face grew solemn again, sombre even.

He let her wrists slide from his grasp. 

Sensing the sudden change in his mood, River became very still. She couldn´t quite explain the sudden change in his expression.

But she could feel his arms winding around her back very slowly, tightening around her, encompassing her in a ring of hard muscle and sinew.

Jayne looked down into her upturned, puzzled face with slightly narrowed eyes and swallowed hard.

This little girl could yank his chain when other people would run for cover. He knew he had done a whole lotta questionable things in his life, made a lot a bad decisions …..wrong choices and she knew it. She did not care.

He had tried to push her away but she just kept on coming, completely deaf to any sort of objection he had thrown her way.

Most people would have resigned; most people would not have made the effort to see another side of him. So far the only other person to make this effort had been Malcolm Reynolds. Mal had given him a second chance after he screwed up on Ariel. But even Mal had his limits.

River Tam didn´t seem to have any……it didn´t even compare……

She had no boundaries, no confines. Everything she did was governed by instinct and emotion. 

A part of him still could not believe that she would go through so much trouble…….for someone like him …..who could not be more wrong for a girl like her.

" What?" River asked finally as the silence dragged on. His grave expression made her more than nervous.

She felt him pull her a little closer, taking one deep , shuddering breath.

Following a strange impulse Jayne could not quite explain, he bent down to touch his forehead to hers.

" It´s good to have you back, darlin´."

River sensed the tension leave her body  and relaxed, leaning against him completely.

" So you missed me …a little?"

Jayne couldn´t help grinning, he could feel her breath on his face. One of his arms moved up, his right hand weaving through her hair to the back of her neck.

That gorram´ stubborn, unpredictable, dangerous girl…..

" You bet your ruddin ´life!"

Her dark, knowing eyes were afire with hundreds of different emotions, taking his breath away.

Jayne laughed again.

No woman had ever been able to hold his interest the way she did. And she wasn´t even a woman ……she was a girl, a stubborn, dangerous pixie.

He frowned.

How did she do it?

" That´s a strange ruddin´stroke of luck I´ve been having with you, sparrow. Don´t think I don´t know that!" 

River could feel her forehead crease up just a little. There was an odd mood about him…….he had never been like this before. Like he wanted to stop talking, stop saying all those things, but somehow he could not stop the words from spilling out of him.

" Your brother, Mal, Inara, even Kaylee…..they all don´t get how or why ……Gorramit, I don´t even know myself. But I know they all look at you and tink that you´re the best ruddin´ thing that ever happened to me…….that I don´t deserve you- even when you were crazy. And I know that your gorram´ brother still thinks that one day, you´ll just wake up and open those pretty eyes of yours and see it ……and then you´ll have a change of heart."

River sighed, leaning her head against his chest. His arms were still around her, so strong and safe. She knew he had just spilled his guts to her, involuntarily. She did not need to reach out with her mind to know that he had meant all that and that he could not believe that he had said it. She knew this was as close as Jayne Cobb would ever come to telling her that he felt what she felt. And it was enough.

She did not want anything else from him, it was already more than she had expected.

" Listen …." She whispered softly, her lips so close to his neck that they grazed his skin as she talked.

" My feelings for you wouldn´t even change when I could not remember, they just won´t …….I love you. I said it and I meant it. It told you ….no power in the verse…."

Suddenly it was so very still, all she could her was their breathing. He lowered his head, his lips on the top of her head.

 Suddenly that simple, almost brotherly gesture felt incredibly intimate to her.

River felt her heartbeat quicken. This was a side of Jayne Cobb that not even River had encountered before.

Jayne closed his eyes and smiled. She still smelled like lavender.

" Why?" 

River wasn´t even sure if she had heard the question with her ears or with her mind.

She answered it anyway.

" Because that night in cargo-bay…….the world stopped being a shrill chaos to me. It was like waking up from this nightmare that night and I could start to live again. You were like an anchor and I will never let go of that. You told me …that night when I cried like a baby, that everything was going to be okay. And that was all I needed to hear. Simon must have said it a thousand times, but he lacked conviction. He was as helpless as I was and I felt it. But you I believed. You told me I would be alright and I believed you. You are that person for me ….." 

Jayne felt her breath run out in a deep sigh that made her chest rise and fall against him.

His eyes still studied her face as she looked up at him again. Almost as though  he tried to memorize it. 

This gorram´ girl made him so gorram´ mushy inside and part of him hated it. But the thought of not having her around to aggravate him was simply gut- wrenching.

It was River who finally leaned into him, closing the distance between their lips in one swift move. She was surprised how utterly still he was, only the tightening of his arms behind her back let her know that he wanted the kiss as much as she did.

Only when she started to pull back Jayne slid one hand up her back in order to cradle the back of her neck.

River smiled at him, her face only inches away from his, as the familiar tingling sensation spread through her. The warm, golden feeling was back…..running through her veins like her blood, making her skin flush and her heartbeat quicken.

It was her, no doubt about ……Jayne thought, balling his hand into her cool, sleek hair.

There was that mischievous sparkle in her eye again….

" I think we´ve talked this through enough.. " she breathed. 

Jayne just nodded and kissed her again, eliciting a small mewl from River when his embrace swept her clean off her feet.

Her arms locked behind his neck.

" I think ….." she whispered, giggling under her breath,

" …I think you should take me to bed."

Jayne laughed soundlessly into her neck, nuzzling her smooth, pale skin. The only way she could tell that he was laughing was the rumbling in his broad chest.

" I can do that…."

Simon woke up in a chair to find his bed empty. He must have fallen asleep while watching over his sister in her artificial coma. 

River must have regained consciousness because she was gone. But she had covered him with a blanket before she went, she had not woken him.

Simon figured that her plan must have worked out and he wasn´t quite sure how he felt about that. It didn´t take a genius to figure out where his sister had disappeared to and Simon wasn´t 

quite sure how he felt about that either.

His little baby sister ……..Simon still couldn´t quite see her in the young woman she had turned out to be now. There was  a dull ache inside of him…..there was a part of River that was lost to him.

He loved her dearly, but he missed the darling girl he remembered.

So what was he supposed to do now…tell Malcolm Reynolds the truth?

He did not know……

He wanted to talk things over with River so very badly, make sure she would forgive him. 

River did not open her eyes, drifting through her warm, comfy dream. 

" What is it?" she whispered in her thoughts.

In her mind her replica cocked it´s head to the side like a curious pigeon. The move was completely inhuman ….seemed unnatural and frightening.

" I don´t understand …this."

River smiled, gliding into the dreamscape.

The thing had left the dark desert and was now sitting on the bridge in the Japanese Park.

" What ?"

" You and this man …."

Against her will River felt that she blushed.

" You are not supposed to! That part of my life is mine and mine alone! It will not concern you."

" Why?"

" Because it is something I cannot share with you…..ever. That part of my life is closed to you."

The thing stared at her for a moment, thinking.

" I just want to know …"

" What?" River asked impatiently. 

She had no patience for this now. She wanted to go back to basking in the afterglow, to sleeping curled up in his arms.

" What it´s like ….emotion. To feel this strongly…..can you share that? Not always …just this once so I can understand why you do the things you do."

River looked into her mirror-images eyes. There was no betrayal there …..just mild interest and something like confusion.

She swallowed hard, thinking about the request. After a while she nodded, holding out her hand.

The thing got to it´s feet, taking River´s hand.

River felt herself take a deep breath, closing her eyes she let go…….remembering everything she had felt since she had come aboard Serenity. 

She let it all flow through her like an electric current, washing over her in waves……the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the anger.

 The other thing gasped.

River concentrated on other things ……the good things. She pictured Kaylee´s face in her mind and let her affection and the friendship she felt for the young mechanic flow through her.

She recalled the things she had seen Wash and Zoë do when they thought nobody was paying attention…..the little things like a touch, a smile, a shared joke, a kiss….

She thought of Inara and how often she had marvelled at the companion ´s beauty and grace……..but also about her good, well guarded heart. In contrast to a lit of other people Inara´s beauty was not just skin- deep. Inara was beautiful inside and out.

Jayne ……

River felt she had to be glowing, that her feelings would seep through every pore of her body…illuminating her from the inside out.

River felt the other´s sharp intake as she broke the connection. She opened her eyes.

The thing stood in front of her, swaying slightly.

" Oh…." It whispered quietly.

" I never knew."

Jayne opened his eyes, looking down the length of his body. River was lying beside him, head resting on his chest, one leg casually thrown over his thighs.

He was in the process of weaving one hand through her hair when all of a sudden River jerked upright.

" Gorrammit!"  she yelped breathlessly, turning around to look at Jayne.

The mercenary crossed his arms under his head, a grin spreading across his features.

" Looks like I have a rather bad influence on you" he commented on her choice of words.

River´s eyes widened as she remembered…….

" We need to get up, we need to wake the captain ….", she told Jayne, jumping out of his bed.

" Darlin´….not that I don´t enjoy the view …but you might wanna put on some ruddin´ clothes first !" 

When he saw the look on her face he grew serious. The time for banter was obviously over.

" What is it , River?"

" I just remembered …..the messages she sent."

Jayne nodded.

" Yeah ….we figured she signalled the alliance bit so far …"

River shook her head.

" She sent two messages …..one to the alliance and another one. I just remembered to whom."

 Sitting up, Jayne moved a hand over his face and neck. He could tell from the expression on her face that he was not going to like this …..and neither would Mal.

" Tell me …"

River looked at him apologetically. None of this was really her fault, but she still felt like it was.

" Niska…."


	31. Tidal

DISCLAIMER: I don´t own Firefly or any of the Characters on Serenity. Everything belongs to Mutant Enemy and FOX.

NOTES: Ahhh …Finnland. Inspiring ….and very beautiful. Aaanyway……

Thanx again for the feedback and your patience! I hope I made the wait worth your while!!

The quotations come from Jewel´s beautiful song " Break me"

TIDAL

Malcolm Reynolds told himself that he should have known better. There was no way things could be going as smooth as it had seemed just minutes ago.

He had just settled down in the kitchen with a steaming hot cup of very expensive coffee when River Tam had burst into the dining area with Jayne in tow.

She had been talking for quiet some time now, gesturing animatedly. Her voice had carried through Serenity so it did not take long for Wash and Zoë to bustle in too, followed by Kaylee who now stood in the doorway. Simon had given the whole assembly a once over look and was settled for leaning against the kitchen cabinet, his eyes never leaving his sister.

Even though River was apparently speaking to him, not a single word she had said had registered in Mal´s brain.

It was more like some sort of background noise, because the captain´s brain was far too busy taking in all the other ….non-verbal information. And there was plenty to be seen.

River was wearing her purple dress that she had apparently just thrown on out of an impulse, because the cloth was crinkled and creased. Her hair was an even greater mess than usual, with elaborate tresses falling into her face while she was gesticulating. She shoved them back over her shoulders in a motion that seemed both impatient and unaware at the same time.

There was a healthy, pinkish glow to her face, a fire in her eyes…. Mal narrowed his eyes and stared at Jayne.

It didn´t take a genius to figure out what River and Jayne might have been up to before disturbing his quiet time.  At least Jayne had enough good sense to look embarrassed. Malcolm Reynolds was not quiet sure how he felt about that …..

Now wait a minute ……..

How did that come about, when River had lost her memory and had just been on the brink of a nervous break down two days ago?

She had just found out that they had been keeping things from her and now…..

How did this girl go from falling apart to her current state in less than 48  hours?

Mal got the distinct feeling that there was something in this whole scenario that he was missing. From the look on his first officer's face he could tell, he had been missing a whole damn lot.

His eyes fixed on River again. Slowly some of the things River said got through to him.

" You did what?" he yelled, standing up so swiftly that he spilled some of his coffee on the table.

River stopped in mid sentence, staring at him. He had not really been listening to her.

" Captain?"

" Yeah…." Mal nodded to her. 

" Can you repeat the part about how you got your brother to put you in a coma again, so you could resurrect that thing that nearly managed to get us all killed?"

" The thing the alliance put in my head." River clarified.

" That one exactly! What were you thinking?" 

He turned around to throw Simon an angry look.

" And you went along with it…….have you both lost your minds?"

" She left me no choice!"  Simon returned angrily.

River sighed. 

" So …" 

Wash´s eyes wandered between River and the captain.

 " Does that mean you are crazy again?"

" No!" River and Jayne said in unison.

Zoë frowned. 

" So what does it mean?"

" And why the hell did you not run this preposterous idea by me? The last time I checked I was still  the captain of this gorram´ ship!"

" Because you would have said no!" River answered unperturbed.

" Damn right I would have! What makes you think you can just go and disobey my orders like that?"

" Well, technically she didn´t. See …since she never asked you and you never really said that she couldn´t and so…" 

Everybody stared at Wash until his wife put a hand on his arm.

" I think it would be safer for you to not bring this up now, honey!" she told him.

" Things are different this time, captain."

" Oh really? I don´t see how."

" She´s got it under control, Mal.", Jayne cut in.

Mal turned, pointing a finger at him.

" Now, I don´t really think that I wanna hear your side of this story!"

" Please, Captain…."  River interrupted patiently.

" Let me explain"

Mal stared at her for a minute before he sat back down.

" Please do!"

" I needed to do it, it was the only way open to me, the only way for me to have my memories back."

" You read your brother´s diary, you knew what had happened."

River shook her head.

" You saw what not knowing did to me!"

She sounded wistful, almost anguished. River looked at her feet as though she couldn´t bear to meet anyone´s gaze. She knew they all remembered her sobbing with abandon, hugging herself in sickbay. Cowering like some trapped, scared little animal.  A shiver went through her. 

Never…never did she want to be reduced to such an insecure, confused thing,  that did not know which way to turn…..never again. The alliance had done this to her once……she had fought her way out of it and it had cost her dearly. She controlled her own fate now and she could not let it go. 

" You know it´s not the same. Apart from that, my brother did not know everything that happened. There were so many blanks …..reading something, knowing it and remembering it are different things." 

She looked Mal straight in the eye.

" I needed to know."

Mal returned her serious gaze, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

" So there was no other way to retrieve them and you could not go without?"

River felt them all staring at her. 

She felt Kaylee´s confused scared look. It was almost as though she could taste her emotions like something bitter on her tongue. She was wondering if they could still be friends. The things she could do, the things she was capable of scared the pretty mechanic. River looked down. How could she explain that most of the time she was just as scared.

But she could not, would not feel sorry for what she did. Maybe her head, her mind would have been satisfied with the way things had been. But her heart ……

" No."

" River, when you came aboard this ship some of the things you said and did were stark raving mad. You told me yourself it was this thing that did this to you. You told me that it would do anything to take over. Hell, you  even told me that if it won I´d have to shoot you to make sure that you could not hurt anyone."

A gasp went through the people around the table. They had not known, neither River nor Mal had ever mentioned this conversation. Now their looks wandered between them in utter horror.

" That can´t be good." Wash whispered, suddenly wishing he was somewhere else entirely.

Jayne stared down at the back of River´s head, grinding his teeth.

River felt the tension building and closed her eyes for a second.

" It´s different this time." She repeated slowly.

" How can it be different, River. You didn´t even trust that thing when you had a truce!"

Mal didn´t like to put her on the hot seat like this. Apart from  that …..he had just obviously put her in a very awkward position with Jayne. He could tell by the look on the mercenary´s face that he did not much like the idea of Mal shooting his …..whatever River might be to him.

Much less her asking Mal to do so.

Malcolm Reynolds liked River Tam well enough. When she wasn´t out of her mind she was a quiet useful member of the crew, there were things she could do that came in very handy. But there was no telling what might happen with her around. So Mal needed to know.

" What changed?"

River lifted her head, meeting his questioning look.

" I killed her." She said simply. 

" I killed her and now I brought her back to me. The reason I lost my memory was that ……" she hesitated, not quite sure how to explain things in a way that would not sound very, very bad.

" In each one of us there is a dark side, a violent, dangerous side. We let it out when we fight for our lives, or for somebody who is dear to us, most of the time we control it. In some of us it is stronger than in others. I don´t know how or why, but somehow, when the alliance put her in my head she took up that place, she filled that space. She wasn´t always a part of me, but she is now. If I abandon this part of me, I can never be whole. There is nothing to fill that void. I can never be myself again without that part of me. When I killed her, I lost my memories because I lost a part of me. There needs to be balance, captain."

Mal nodded slowly, as if he was pondering what she said. It always scared him to a certain degree that some of the things she said made perfect sense to him.

" But it is possible for you to live without that thing in your head."

" Yes. But I would never really be me ……I wouldn´t …know."

It was just a tiny gesture. The way her head moved to the right, her gaze wavering just the split second it took for her to look over her shoulder to where Jayne was standing behind her. 

Mal caught it none the less and it amazed him beyond compare.

He couldn´t believe that the consideration of not remembering whatever it was they had, could bring so much pain to her face. Jayne still said nothing, He just stood there and looked grim. Despite the length that Jayne Cobb had gone for this little girl, he still hated being on display like this. 

Mal knew that Simon caught the look too. It was obvious that the young doctor wasn´t amazed, but severely annoyed.

"Why would you trust this thing now, River? You have to give me something here….."

" She would not try to hurt anyone on this ship because it is not what I want. She is a part of me now, a sort of annoying and independent part, but she belongs to me even so. This is not a truce we have captain. When I brought her back I made the rules very clear. I gave her boundaries and she accepted them."

Mal´s eyes narrowed slightly.

" She?"

River thought about it for a moment, than she simply shrugged.

" That´s the way it presents itself to me. It looks like a she ……like me. What it comes down to captain is that she is not a threat anymore, not to this ship or this crew anyway. She does not want to leave again, so she took what I offered. She wants to belong somewhere and now she belongs to me."

" You trust her?"

River´s steady gaze never wavered.

" I do."

" You sure?" Zoë asked seriously with raised eyebrows.

" Yes" 

She thought about it for a moment, then nodded her assent. Zoë had seen River Tam covered in Reaver- blood from head to toe. She had listened to her husband explaining that River had blown up their whole ship and yet managed to escape without so much as a scrape. She had been there when River had cut up Jayne in a move that none of them had seen coming.

She was still not sure how she felt about all this and she didn´t exactly share the girl´s downright disastrous taste in men. But River seemed to quite capable of taking care of herself and she believed that River would not lie.

" Shiny" Mal said , taking a sip of his now cold coffee and frowning with distaste.

" Glad we got that covered then."

" There is something else." Jayne said. After the moment of silence his raw voice filled the mass in a booming sound.

Mal looked at him.

" Now why does that not surprise me?"

" The messages she sent….from the Reaver ship…." River elaborated.

" We figured she signalled the alliance." Wash said.

" Yes, but that´s not the problem."

" Oh …." Kaylee muttered unhappily.

" Somehow I don´t think I wanna hear this."

" Who?" Mal just asked blandly.

" Niska…."

Wash looked up in panic.

" Niska? How …why …..how?"

Mal pursed his lips, staring into his cold coffee….. so much for things going smooth.

" She told him what?"

" Our position."

" You are sure that´s all ….nothing more?"

River shrugged.

" She did not have that much time……"

Wash looked from Mal to his wife and then to River.

" That´s all he needed to know really, if he wanted to send someone after us, someone to track us down."  Zoe said wryly.

" All the more astonishing that after all this time, nothing bad has happened."

" So ….does that´s good, right?" Kaylee asked, eyes wide.

" Maybe he did not get the message after all. Or after what happened last time …..he doesn´t want to …you know, get into trouble with us again."

Mal took a hard look at Kaylee´s hopeful face. He knew that she was still shook up about what happened the last  time they had encountered Niska.

" Maybe…" 

" Sir?" Zoë stood up, giving him a questioning look.

" You never know, Lil´Kaylee might be right. But we should be vigilant…..careful, just in case."

He shot River another look.

" You sure this is the last surprise your little friend will come up with?"

" I promise!"

" Shiny!" Malcolm Reynolds sighed.

" I don´t think this day will get any better!" he muttered when Inara entered the kitchen area.

The beautiful companion was clad in a shiny sarong and midriff baring top, looking as fresh and beautiful as a spring morning.

" I ´ve got a client." 

Everybody looked up at her, but her eyes were fixed on Mal.

" I need to be on Remus in less than 24 hours."

" We are not going to Remus."

" Where are we going then, Mal?" Inara asked sweetly, but her voice was laced with impatience.

" Haven´t decided yet." He told her dismissively in a very clipped tone. Suddenly everybody made it their very urgent business to look everywhere but at those two.

" I need to keep my appointment. You make it quite impossible to conduct my business and you know it, Malcolm Reynolds. Maybe if you could make up your mind as to where we will be going…." She sighed, shooting a very foul look his way.

" Listen, Mal. This client is a very important high-ranking official, Remus is one of the few colonies out her that is thriving on trade. I´m quite certain that even you will find a client there who will make this trip worth you while."

" What makes you think I didn´t already take on another job?" he challenged, leaning back in his cair.

" Did you?" Inara asked simply, still smiling pleasantly. When he did not answer, Inara turned towards Zoë, lifting one elegantly curved eyebrow in a silent question.

" No!" Zoë answered truthfully.

Inara´s gaze wandered back to Mal. They stared at each other for a beat.

" Then Remus is where we will be going!" she told him before she turned to leave the mass.

Once Jayne had made sure they were out of hearing distance and quiet alone in the corridor, he grabbed River´s wrist . River turned around with a puzzled look on her face, her own momentum spinning her around to stumble against his chest.

She looked at his grim, reserved expression with a furrowed brow.

"What the gorram hell …..you told the captain to shoot you?" 

His voice was very low, dangerously close to a growl.

River bit her lip. She did not want to have this conversation with him now. She was so tired to just explain herself all the time. Every time she thought they were finally done struggling uphill, something else came up.

" Yes." She answered very quietly. She was not going to lie to him. She could feel his tension, his anger radiating off of him like heat.

" What were you thinking, River? What if he had shot you."

"The captain would not do that, not without being sure….."

" And seeing you covered in dried blood like you had taken a ruddin´ bath in it could not have been enough?"

River averted her gaze from his angry face.

" I had to take precautions……I could not let her hurt anyone but me."

" And why the ruddin´ hell didn´t you tell me?" Jayne tried to hold his voice down so as not to yell at her. 

His hand was still curled around her dainty wrist in an iron grip. River could feel his fingers digging into her skin, hard enough to leave a bruise, but she did not wince.

I will meet you in some place

Where the light dims itself to soft repose

His facial expression was fierce, bordering on rage. He towered above her, glaring down at her so incredibly intimidating …..still it did not scare her. 

She understood. 

He had let her sneak through all his defences, had allowed her to come closer than anyone ever had. And she had withheld something from him, not trusted him……..

Every  time he thought he understood….things changed.

" And what would you have done?" she finally asked tonelessly, steadily looking into his eyes.

" Would you have shot me if I asked you to?  The things she did on that ship, I saw part of it in my dreams and it was enough to make me want to run and  hide. Thinking of it makes my skin crawl. She still holds that memory for me. It is hers, she won´t give it up. She won´t share it with me because she fears what it might do to me."

River could feel her eyes fill up with tears and drew a ragged breath to keep from crying.

" Don´t you understand? You, the captain ….you don´t know what she can do, what she would do. And I don´t wish to see it!"

" You don´t know the things I´ve seen, girl!"

River shook her head. She knew that Zoë, the captain, even Jayne had all seen their fair share of pain.

" You don´t understand, Jayne! The alliance made her, created her, but she has never been under their control, like all their other experiments they must have stowed away in that facility. Because I got out! She is not a living thing, she does not think the way we do! She has no remorse, no sense of guilt, of right or wrong. She only knows survival. No matter how much you want the people to think that you have no conscience,  that you are hard and cold……you feel guilt. You feel bad about things you´ve done and we both know it! She will never feel that way, she does not feel."

" If she is that dangerous…."

" She isn´t …..not the way you think."

River interrupted him harshly. His fingers were still digging into her skin. His grip had not lightened up.

" She can be, if not controlled there would be no stopping her. But she wants to go on existing. So now she answers to me….remember when she cut you, just like that? She wasn´t going for the kill. She was just testing the waters, seeing if she could do it. If she had taken me over back then,  after the Reavers. Would you have wanted her on this ship?"

" You should have ruddin´told me River!" 

He yelled at her this time. River blinked, looking up at him with the most fragile expression.

Very slowly she took a step closer, reaching up to touch his face, her fingers running over the stubble on his cheek.

" And what would you have done?" she whispered again.

" Could you have shot me in cold blood? I told the captain because it was his ship, his crew. He could not shoot anyone just like that…..but if he had to do it to protect his own…..

It´s not the same with you and me…..It´s not that I did not trust you, Jayne.  You are a big, strong man, a dangerous opponent ….you could pull my arm out of it´s socket if you wanted to and there is nothing I could do about it. But could you really shoot me ? Could you hurt me that way?"

 I will let you undress me 

But I warn you;

I´ve got thorns like any rose

Jayne stared into her eyes, unmoving.

 He had hit her once, he suddenly remembered. He had hit her hard enough to split her lip ….back when she had cut him. He remembered her small frame crashing into a table from the power of that backhand slap.

" I´m hurting you now." He said hoarsely, as if he just realized how tight his grip around her wrist was. She could see the understanding hit  his eyes.

" Yes, you are." River returned softly. 

And you could hurt me with your bare hands

You could hurt me using the sharp edge of what you say

Jayne stepped back from her, releasing her so quickly that it left River swaying ever so slightly. The shame he felt about hurting her was plain to see. It had shocked him how easily she brought out the things he constantly held in check.

" I´m sorry." He  growled. 

I´m lost to you now 

And no amount of reason could save me

It was as though for a moment he had forgotten that, after all the things she had done, she was still just a delicate, petite girl. She might have a strong mind, she might know her way around weaponry, but she was still a girl.

A girl you could hurt,…… she had once said. 

 As he looked at her now, Jayne noticed that apart from all the bravado she had shown so far, River was still scared. But she had not shrunk back from him…..had not recoiled, not even as he had hurt her. 

I know who you are and it doesn´t scare me.

" I´m sorry too….." 

River sighed again.

" Please don´t be mad at me. I need…."

Jayne breathed deep, one hand pulling her towards him. 

That gorram´girl did a very, very good job at driving him insane. 

" s´alright, sparrow. I´m sorry."

He hated saying it, River knew that. The fact that he had said it twice meant a lot.

She leaned against him, into him, letting his body hold all her weight. 

" I´m very tired."

She could feel the rumble of laughter shaking his body, even before Jayne really started to laugh.

" What ?" River asked, her face still buried in his chest.

" Oh nothing…" Jayne answered, suddenly sounding incredibly amused. It always amazed her how fast he could go from one mood to the other without interruption, in a matter of seconds. His emotions, no matter how well hidden, were always simmering right beneath the surface of his self- control. He was not cruel or violent. He was the only way he knew to be. 

" I was just thinking. Since we´ll be on Remus anyway, I thought you might want to go buy yourself some clothes that are more suitable for living on a  ruddin´space ship. Something different from those flimsy dresses. Maybe a pair of those interesting leather trousers that you like to strut around in …..in some of your dreams." 

River´s lips curled into a devious smile as she lifted her head.

" Oh, you´d like that……"

" Damn right I would" Jayne grinned. What made things even better ….Simon would hate it.


	32. Before the Storm

DISCLAIMER: NOT Mine, Not Mine , Not Mine  ( I wish they were though!)

NOTES: A thousand apologies for me taking so long, but I had computer distress and was not able to update this ! Sorry ….

Thanks for still giving me feedback!

I realize that this chapter is just an interlude in preparation for Niska´s sinister plan. You´ll see next chapter that is almost done!! This is just a lot of clearing the air with a little fluff. Hope you still enjoy!

BEFORE THE STORM

„ Can we still be friends?"

Kaylee looked up from the device she had just been cleaning to find River standing in the doorframe of the engine room. She let out a heavy breath, wiping the sweat from her forehead to leave a black oil-smudge.

" What?" she asked absentmindedly, putting the transmission device back on her workbench.

She knew she was stalling. To make things even worse she knew that River knew it too.

Kaylee bit her lip. 

It wasn´t fair. She was not being fair, trying to pretend that she didn´t even know what the other girl was asking her.

Still Kaylee could not bring herself to lift her head and meet River´s questioning gaze. She was afraid of what Simon's sister  might read in her eyes.

Fear. 

Kaylee knew that wasn´t fair either, but she could not shake the uncomfortable feeling she had now. She had felt a lot safer and better with River around before she knew the whole truth.

Before she knew about the thing in her head, the thing that had made her crazy and sometimes even creepy. The thing that River herself had brought back.

She didn´t know how she felt about that. For the most part it scared the hell out of her.

She had been there when River had shot three men in cold blood. She had stood right next to her …..right next to  the sweet, confused girl that had turned into  a cold blooded killer in the blink of an eye.

She had not even looked at them when she shot Niska´s men, in fact she had averted her gaze.

Bam, Bam, Bam…..in a matter of seconds she had extinguished three lives without flinching.

The memory still made Kaylee´s blood run cold.

She had been there. She was the only one who had seen River´s eyes when the girl had turned to her with an eerie smile, whispering …..

No power in the ´verse can stop me…..

There had been nothing in her eyes, no remorse, no feeling ……only grim satisfaction and fierce pride. 

Kaylee shook her head to chase those unbidden memories from her thoughts.

She knew she was being unfair. 

River still stood in the door, not coming into the engine room as though she did not want to crowd Kaylee. She just bit her lip, looking sad.

" I´m sorry …..I never really had a friend like you. I don´t want to loose your friendship over this ….I know what I did scares you it´s....."

" Oh , honey…..it´s not that!" Kaylee interrupted, looking at her across the room.

Another half-truth…….but it was not a lie.

It wasn´t really the things that Kaylee had seen River do or say, that was only part of it.

What really scared Kaylee was the imagination…..the things she might be capable of ?

She had not seen River, when the captain, Zoë and Jayne had found her in the shuttle ……but Kaylee knew that they had been pretty shaken up about it.

And it took a lot to shake up those people……..River had blown up a Reaver ship all by herself. It was a scary thought.

But when she looked at River now she just could not see a killer in that pale, appealing face that reminded her so much of a doll her daddy had once bought her. Of course Kaylee had never played with it …….she was not a doll playing kind of girl. But it had always sat there on the shelf, the only real toy Kaylee had ever had, looking nice and pretty and serene…….

Utterly harmless…..just the way River looked most of the time.

But then again, it wasn´t all River…..there was that other thing too…….the really dangerous one. River wasn´t a killer, but that thing was.

The thought of Grady crossed her mind and Kaylee shivered involuntarily.

The things he could have done to her …….the things he had said.

She could see River frown and wondered if she could really sense what they were all feeling.

How come Jayne could deal with that….with her knowing things just by looking at someone…at him?

" I wanna be your friend Kaylee……please don´t be scared of me!" 

Her voice sounded so much like a little girl.

" I know …" Kaylee whispered.

" It´s just that …..you got that thing inside of you that not so long ago wanted to kill you and go back to the alliance at all costs. That´s a hard thing to overlook."

River frowned. She hated this …every moment of it. She hated to see the bright, lively, sunny Kaylee like this. 

She had hated it when Grady had scared Kaylee…..

She did not want to see the same weary look in the pretty mechanic´s eyes when she looked at her.

" It´s not her who is in control, Kaylee…it´s me! I´m calling the shots now and that will never change, I promise you. She is not independent anymore, in order to go on existing she had to become a part of me. She has a certain degree of independence, but …..she can never hurt anyone on this ship! Never…..she is my ally now!"

Kaylee couldn´t help but smile.

" Listen to you, talking all fancy and educated now. Just like Simon!"

River rolled her eyes in mock desperation.

" Please don´t say that! I do not talk like my brother!"

They looked at each other and started giggling compulsively. 

Kaylee saw the light in River´s eyes, realizing that for the first time in a long while for River to be as close to being happy as possible.

She was really being unfair……..River had shot those men to help Kaylee, maybe even save her and to help them rescue the captain.

She had saved Serenity from Grady……saved them all from the Reavers.

Not too long ago she had gotten to become used to River´s premonitions…had even appreciated them so that they could talk more while working.

They looked at each other …..

" Oh honey, I´m sorry! I didn´t mean to be weird. Of course we are still friends!"

River gave a relieved sigh.

" If I ever start talking like Simon , you have to slap me!"

Kaylee gave another laugh.

" That I will do, don´t worry……..but I think Jayne will tell you way before then!"

River smiled.

" Oh I think when that day comes Jayne is going to yell at me like there´s no tomorrow!"

Kaylee grabbed the other girl´s hand, pulling her down to sit on the floor.

" Oh …you gotta tell me. Jayne and you …..that is so …..so …I think I´m lost for words.

" A match made in purgatory?" River offered only half joking.

" At least that´s what my brother seems to think."

Kaylee could feel a smile spread over her features.

Ah yes….doctor Simon Tam, things had to be appropriate and according to his own code of honour. If only he could loosen up a bit !

Kaylee thought about it for a minute. Jayne and Simon could really not be more different.

" Well …honey, Jayne may have a side to him that I ain´t never seen, but when he looks at you I don´t think he sees your cleverness …."

River laughed under her breath.

" Maybe not …..whatever it is that turned him to me, I really don´t care."

" It´s also the guns ….." Kaylee went on, tugging some curls behind her ears that had escaped her ponytail.  

" You can handle guns and knives and you have to have some really good moves to sneak up on Jayne Cobb. He was bound to fall for that!"

" It´s not all me Kaylee…sometimes I do things and I don´t really know how. It´s like my body knows what to do ….." she gave Kaylee a wicked grin, " and my body seems to know a whole lotta hings!"

Kaylee stared at her open- mouthed.

" River!" 

They both laughed again until Kaylee grew serious.

" Wow ..so this is real….with Jayne and you, ha?"

River simply nodded.

" I love him ……"

Kaylee gasped.

" You …love …Jayne Cobb. If I hadn´t heard you say it I´d think I just imagined that! I never thought I´d ever hear anyone say that! …….Why, I mean …..why? How did you now?"

"The truth? " River asked.

" It´s may sound silly….."

" Oh honey, silly is my middle name!"

" He sleeps with his back to the room!"

Kaylee furrowed up her brow.

" What?"

" He always sleeps with his back to the room. When I wake up I´m sleeping with my face   towards the wall of his bunk and he´s sleeping with his back to the room. Do you know what I mean ….he´s covering me in his sleep. He sleeps between me and the hatch, between me and the room. I don´t think he does it consciously, but it makes me feel ….save."

Kaylee smiled back at River with sparkling eyes.

" Wow…."

" Oh …" River shook her head franticly.

" Better not to mention this to Jayne!"

Kaylee nodded.

" Right!"

Simon Tam looked up to find his sister coming towards him in the corridor, her grace full stride made it seems as though she was floating. River was still pale as a ghost, but her eyes had lost that haunted look and there was no more strain in her beautiful features. It warmed his heart and made him sad at the same time. 

Simon was still not sure if he didn´t think that the price she had paid for that peace was too high.

" You look content" he said  as River stopped in front of him. She looked up into her 

brother ´s face. There was something in his voice that seeped through the civil tone he was using. She could taste it on her tongue like something bitter, almost acidic.

River closed her eyes and sighed.

She was very tired and she was done fighting …..she just didn´t want to anymore.

" You got what you want, even the captain says …."

" It´s not about what I want Simon!" River interrupted him.

" It´s not about what you want or what I want……it´a about what I need. I want to be content Simon. I want to feel whole! They cut open my brain, Simon! They violated my mind so they could turn me into a drone and harvest whatever abilities they thought I had! I remember it. I don´t want to go back there. I don´t want to go back to the helpless little girl I was, with the voices screaming in my head, with no control over anything."

Simon tried to say something, but River cut him off, shaking her head.

" We are done with this, big brother. I´m done with explaining over and over again. I want my peace, I want control over my own life and if this is the only way for me than this is the way I have chosen. Please understand!"

Simon sighed, putting his hands on River´s shoulders.

She was still his little sister. She was still so young, so fragile. Her shoulders were so small and dainty, as though she would break if he held her just a little harder. 

It was an illusion, Simon knew it. She was stronger than he was, her inner strength had prevented her from breaking. Jayne had been right, she would not give ……inside she was steel. Unrelenting like a mountain …..his little sister.

He was still afraid for her ….

He wanted to protect her still.

" I forgive you, Simon." She whispered.

" But you have to forgive me too."

" What ……I don´t understand Mei-Mei."

" You have to forgive me that , after you have given up your whole life, your career, to save me ……I´am not what you remembered me to be. After everything that we´ve been through I cannot go back to being that little girl you wanted to save. This is what  I am now, it will not change. But I´m still your sister and I love you."

Simon snickered, caressing his sister´s cheek.

" You were always good for surprises Mei-Mei!" he finally told her.

" We have come this far and it´s mostly because of your courage. I´ll never forget that!"

River kissed her brother on the cheek.

" Good night, Simon."

" Where are you going?"

" To bed…"

Simon frowned at her in mild confusion.

" But your bed is that way….."

River lifted an eyebrow.

" I´m not going to sleep in my bed, Simon." River said calmly as though she was explaining things to a child.

Now it was Simon´s turn to frown. Things had just been so good and now…

" I love you, Mei-Mei, more than anything in my life but I don´t understand you. This thing with Jayne…"

River smiled at him, a warm, understanding smile but underneath that understanding was iron resolve.

" You don´t need to understand it. All you have to do is accept it."

" You are a genius River, you are so smart , so educated! You could have …."

" I don´t want anything else. He gives me peace. He may not have haed the benefit of our education and he may be crude and raw sometimes, but he is not a caveman! He gets me, Simon. He sees all that I am, everything and it is fine. He does not judge….."

River squeezed Simon´s hand.

" I´m fine now. Stop worrying about me. It´s time you started thinking about yourself, start living for yourself."

Jayne heard the hiss of the hatch. The lights did not go on, neither did he open his eyes.

He could feel the slight dip of the mattress as she crawled over to him. 

" What have you been up to?" he asked  hoarsely.

" Making peace …" she yawned.

" It´s exhausting……"

" That´s why I never do that!"

River laughed very softly in the dark, snuggling up to him, one of her legs carelessly thrown over  his upper thighs. Jayne put an arm around her back, feeling her hair spill over his chest.

He took a sharp breath.

" Stop wriggling around River Tam, or things might get ugly…."

" I was kind of counting on that …."

She whispered into his ear.

" And what might that be ?"

River smiled at his predatory growl.

" You taking my mind of things….."

" I think I can come up with something….."

" I was counting on that…"

Next Chapter: Leather trouser shopping, Remus and Niska´s big coup!!

I promise to hurry up!!!


	33. Eye of the Beholder

DISCLAIMER:  I do not own these characters or Serenity ..all belongs to Joss Whedon…Yada ydada …Fox   Blabla…..

NOTES: SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY!!! Ashes on my head!!! Please forgive me for not updating! Had Computer trouble ….the thing kind of developed a mind of it´s own and work had just been crazy!! I promise to not let you wait this long for the next Chapter. Originally Niska´s coup was part of this but then it got too long and I needed to cut it in two …so here is more …Jayne and River …….I think you can wait for Desaster to strike until next chapter, right???

Sp please bear with me a little longer! 

The quotes in the first part are taken from Sarah Brightman´s beautiful song " Deliver me" 

Enjoy and let me know if you have suggestions!!

THANX!!!!

EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

What are they doing?"

Mal asked calmly. Only seconds ago had he joined Kaylee and Zoë on the catwalk overlooking the cargo-bay.

" I believe they said they were training, Sir." Zoë answered without looking at him.

On the floor beneath them River and Jayne were circling each other like sharks. A feral grin was spread widely over the mercenary´s features while River´s face betrayed nothing.

" Well, ain´t that something…" Mal said, trying to ignore Kaylee´s delighted giggle as she watched the two of them.

" What kind of training exactly would that be?"

" Man to man combat, by the looks of it."

Mal turned his head to see the preacher standing a little way off, leaning against the railing with a very amused but worried look on his face.

Mal lifted an eyebrow at Zoë.

" Lil´River Tam…….trying to beat Jayne Cobb? He´s twice her size!" he thought about it for a moment. But then again …River had taken on a whole ship filled with Reavers……

" Sounds like something she would do…." 

Mal stepped closer to Zoë.

" How´s she doin´?"

Zoe turned towards him with a serious face.

" I can´t really say ,Sir. It looks like she´s not the only one home. I think she´s got help…kind of a team effort." It took him a moment to catch her drift.

"Well…..then we should see if they are as good as we think….."

" That´s what I´m afraid of, Sir!"

" Me too!"

Deliver me 

Out of my sadness

Deliver me

From all of the madness

Jayne had known he was in trouble the moment she had entered cargo-bay in shorts and a comfortable shirt. He had watched her warm up and stretch her arms and legs, trying to concentrate on something …anything else. 

But seeing her like that, seeing her slender legs not hidden under some skirt or dress was quite distracting. Sure they were pale and white, but she sure moved them very gracefully ….even when she was trying to drop-kick him in the head. And he remembered all too well how smooth and warm the skin of those legs felt when he moved his fingers over them.

Her unruly hair was tied into a long ponytail that fell almost down to her waist and swayed behind her when she moved.

" C´mon girl…." He had said when they had started.

" Show me you can dance." 

Deliver me

Courage to guide me

Deliver me

Strength from inside me

River moved her upper body slightly forward, trying to give her breathing a steady rhythm.

Her naked feet made no sound on the metal floor on the deck; each step was light and well calculated.

She had breathed deep before they had started almost half an hour ago, reaching inside, calling out.

The other one had approached like a child, spying through a half opened door.

The thought had made River smile.

" Do you wanna play?"

In her mind River cold see the thing cock it´s head to the side like a curious, but careful bird.

" Do you want me to?"

" He´s bigger than me, stronger than me and his reach is twice mine ……what do you think?"

The thing had laughed, a strange sound…….the mimics of real laughter that sounded a little stale and unnatural, but it did not scare River anymore.

" We can take him, little sister!"

Now the thing was looking out through her eyes as though they were windows. River was in full control, accepting guidance and pointers from her mirror-image. She knew her reactions would be quicker if she gave it more access…..but she wanted to see what she could 

do……what the alliance had taught her…..

" How…"

" We´ll use his strength against him. We are smaller, quicker ……and he is watching your legs too much to really keep his mind on things."

The dry remark made River smile.

All of my life I was in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like you

Now that you're here, 

Now that I´ve found you

I know you're the one to pull me through

With a sound that came low from his throat Jayne launched herself at her. It seemed as though 

he was going to slam into her body with all his weight. A split second before he reached her, River stepped aside. As Jayne´s hands grabbed thin air, River whirled her body around in one swift motion. Her leg came up in a blur of speed, fluent like she was indeed dancing, and the heel of her foot hit the mercenary square in the back. It sent him sprawling on the floor, cursing under his breath.

Lying on the floor, Jayne rolled onto his back to find River standing over him, extending a hand to help him up with a triumphant grin on her face.

There was a fine sheen of sweat on her pretty face.

Jayne couldn´t help but laugh, while he kicked her legs from under her. With a surprised screech River felt her legs buckle from under her, making her land in a heap on his chest.

" That was not fair!" she yelled, laughing.

" Oh….is that right?" he said, grabbing her around the waist.

" Asking that gorram´thing in your head for help is?"

" She is very good!"

Mal nodded his assent to Zoë, still a little puzzled.

" That she is …..but right now I´m not too sure if this whole thing we just saw is really training, or………?"

"Foreplay…" A gentle voice said smoothly.

Mal turned around to find Inara standing behind them.

For a moment they just stared at each other.

" And on that note, I´m delighted to inform you, that we´ll be arriving on Remus in less than two hours!"

Inara gave him another taunting look before she turned to leave again, passing Simon on the catwalk.

River and Jayne were still wrestling on the floor, laughing.

" I think I earned those leather pants!" River told him, breathing heavily.

Jayne cocked an eyebrow at her.

" Soon as we touch down on that gorram rock…..and then you can feel free to strut around in that getup as long as you like!"

" Oh you´d like that, wouldn´t you…."

" You bet I do, lil´girl!"

" Oh ..look how happy they are!" Kaylee said dreamily. Mal gave her an odd look and turned back to Zoë.

" Frightening thought, really…to say the least!"He mumbled under his breath. 

His first officer gave him a dry smile indicating that she knew exactly what he meant.

Now that Mal thought about it, he couldn´t really remember whether he had ever seen the grumpy mercenary in such a good mood ever since their first encounter.

Simon frowned at him.

" Do they have to do that?" he asked in a very resigned tone that hinted at the fact that he could obviously do nothing but tolerate his sister´s relationship, but was still very far away from accepting it.

" I can´t believe she´d let this …..this man -ape touch her!" Simon added unhappily while observing the two struggling on the floor.

Mal followed his glance. At this point of time Malcolm Reynolds was pretty sure that Jayne had done a lot more than simply touching River, but he thought it wise to keep that thought to himself.

" Don´t know, doctor…….from  what I can tell Jayne has done nothing but right by your sister. More so than I ever thought him capable of …..believe me it´s a very scary thought even for me……taking into consideration that I was the one who hired him! But his feelings for your sister seem nothing if not genuine. "

Simon pursed his lips.

" He´s gonna buy her pants!" Kaylee chimed in without even looking their way.

Mal gave the doctor another odd glance.

" I can´t help myself, doctor, but I think I like Jayne a whole lot better since he´s in love with your sister!"

" Please don´t say that!" Simon cringed at the very thought of love between his little sister and Jayne. 

" You think he´s in love with her?"

"Hate to be the one to break it to you, doctor. But if Jayne Cobb is willing to spent money on your sister he´s gotta be in love!" 

" So …what do you think?"

River stepped out of the changing room she had been hiding in for the last ten minutes, trying on several different pairs of leather trousers.

Jayne was leaning against the wall, leisurely gnawing on an apple, clearly amused by the very uncomfortable looks the salespeople were giving him. They had had been eyeing him suspiciously since they had entered the place, probably wondering if he was planning on robbing them. 

 The fact that he had entered the shop with a girl River´s age, who was quite obviously not his daughter or in any other way a blood relative of his, didn´t seem to go over too well either.

He knew River had noticed, but she just smiled wickedly, pretending not to notice a thing. Least of all that the women, who had been assisting her in finding the right size for her leather pants, were all kind of appalled by the idea of her belonging to the massive mercenary.

Jayne swallowed the piece of apple in his mouth, trying not to choke.

The pants fit perfectly in all the right places. The black leather rode low on her slim hips, accentuating her tiny waist. Jayne forced himself not to look at her butt.

" Well, well Miss Tam, this could be dangerous…."

River looked at him.

" I think they fit…or are they too tight?"

Jayne shook his head, grinning. There sure as hell was not a thing as "too tight" when it came to her and those ruddin´pants!

" Nope…, but this might lead to a whole lotta killing!"

The saleslady nearest to them gave a little squeak and bustled away. Jayne chuckled under his breath.

" What are you talking about?" River asked nonplussed. In her mind the other thing lifted it´s head curiously at the mention of killing.

Jayne´s face split in an even wider grin. He walked over to her, carefully laying a hand on her now leather clad hip.

" Sparrow……I was talking about all the necks I´ll have to wring for staring at you wearin´these pants once we enter that ruddin´ bar, where we´re supposed to meet the crew later." 

River could hear the salesladies whispering harshly, but she did not care. He thought she was pretty. That thought alone warmed her heart. 

She stepped closer, craning her neck to look into his face. 

" You think?"

" Can´t have no scallywag staring at my girl!"

River laughed at that, raising her eyebrows.

" You´re a scallywag yourself, if I recall correctly…."

Jayne snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her close to lean in for a kiss.

" Am I now?"

" Just ask my brother!" she whispered into his lips.

Jayne kissed her quickly. Stepping back, he ripped the price tag off the pants.

" Lemme just take care of that and then…."

" And then?"

" I´ll take you some place nice."

River raised her eyebrows in a playful manner.

" You know places that are nice?"

" You better watch your gorram´mouth!" he laughed, sauntering off to pay for the leather trousers and the white shirt she hade chosen. It made him crazy that she almost looked exactly like in that dream…….

If they did not get out of that store fast, he might do something that would really set these shopkeepers off.

River watched him walk across the shop in that swagger she had gotten used to so quickly.

One of the women who had helped her earlier appeared next to her, giving River a slightly nervous glance. This was one of the better shops on Remus, River realized, even though it did not compare to the expensive places her parents used to frequent………back home.

Remus really was better off than any world they had visited so far…….amazing if you took into consideration that it was quite far away from the core.

The woman next to her cleared her throat.

" Yes?" 

" Oh ..nothing.." she said pleasantly but with a fake smile.

" It´s just …..me and my friends were wondering how you ended up with this …interesting man."

River´s eyes narrowed slightly.

" Pure dumb luck!"

Jayne waved at her across the room.

" All taken care of, sparrow……now let´s get those pretty legs moving! Spending a ruddin´ fortune on pants made me a very hungry man!"

" Yes..I can see he is quite a catch…" 

River pursed her lips, shooting the saleslady a bold look. 

" Oh this is nothing…." she said sweetly. "….. you should see him with his clothes off!"

Next ….Niska …..I promise!!


	34. RIPTIDE

DISCLAIMER: Don´t own them, never have , never will…So don´t sue me……but in December we can all own them on DVD !!! YOU RULE JOSS!!!!!

NOTES: Sorry for taking so long again! But a member of my family ids in the hospital so …I couldn´t really get in the mood to write!

Will try to keep up though! 

THANX for the kind feedback! I am really glad that you enjoy this as much as I do …please let me know ! It is ALWAYS very appreciated!

RIPTIDE

It ad been a good day. They had found new cargo, new business. They had the best meal in a very long time in a very nice establishment. 

There had been raised eyebrows at River´s new attire at first, but even Simon had tried to be casual about it. Only the remark that she should maybe also get a gun had gotten him angry.

Life had been good. 

They had been stumbling towards Serenity, laughing  and talking.

Then things had changed so abruptly …….Kaylee could still not believe it.

" Message for you, captain!"

Mal looked at Wash , frowning.

" It´s the shuttle…."

Mal groaned.

" There is no way we will prolong our stay, pleasant as this place might be! I don´t care……she had her appointment with the important man, now she can tell him that there is no way she can make him happy for another day! Tell her that!"

Wash exchanged an uncomfortable glance with his wife.

" I´d rather you tell her that……Sir!"

" And I will!" 

Mal moved towards the communication device, bringing the screen to life.

" Inara, I realize that this place is indeed a very nice spot, but we don´t plan to settle down here. I made appointments with some very wealthy businessman which in turn will make me and the crew …..at least moderately wealthy for a short while so please …."

" Mr.Reynolds!"

Mal blinked irritated at the sound of the voice, his eyes for the first time really looking at the screen. This was not Inara´s voice, this was the voice he had hoped to never hear again. Well….maybe just once more, shortly before he killed the man it belonged too.

He could feel the crew behind him becoming very still.

Niska …..it was not Inara´s expertly groomed beauty filling the screen, but Niska´s gloating face. 

The thought raced through Malcolm Reynolds mind, making his whole body go cold and numb.

Niska ……he had Inara, he was I  Inara´s shuttle. Mal ´s stomach clenched tight, sobering him up at once. Even if most of the crew had never seen the man or heard Niska talk they all new immediately what was going on. The trap had sprung shut……..the one trap nobody had seen coming!

Mal swallowed hard as every face turned slowly towards the screen.

" What do you want?" he asked icily, staring into Niska´s  eyes, willing his voice to be steady and calm …unimpressed.

Niska chuckled. 

" Captain Reynolds, there is no reason to be so very unfriendly. Were I in your position I´d think it wise to mind my manners!"

" I don´t think manners are in order when I´m talking to the men who tortured me to death! So let me repeat myself …what is it that you want?"

River´s eyes narrowed. Inside her mind she could feel the other thing lifting his headas though awaking from slumber. She could feel it drifting to the surface of her consciousness like a cool current, a ripple in the water.

It had finally found something interesting to see…..

" Oh, Mr. Reynolds. I think the subject of this conversation will not be what I want. It will be about what is currently in my …shall we say possession? Something that you never allowed yourself to have and now it is beyond your grasp." Niska chuckled again, reaching out his hand. Inara stumbled into the picture. She was gagged, her hands bound in front of her body…..there was a nasty bruise colouring the left side of her face.

Kaylee let out a shocked squeal. 

Mal pressed his lips together, feeling his hands tighten into fists. 

The endless possibilities in which Niska and his minions could hurt Inara paraded in front of his inner eye. It made him want to scream.

This was his fault…..he should have foreseen this …he should have.

" She´s got nothing to do with this Niska! This is between you and me! You want me ….fine…..I´ll exchange myself for her. Just tell me where…."

Zoe gave the captain a warning hiss, but Mal ignored it.

Niska still smiled, shaking his head, obviously enjoying himself.

Inara stared at the screen, despite of her battered state her eyes were blazing with defiance.

" Oh no Mr. Reynolds ..I think you do not understand! You want to tell me she has nothing to do with this? I think she has everything to do with this …." He sniggered, caressing Inara´s black hair.

The companion tried to yank away from him, but one of Niska´s men held her in place.

" I have thought about this for quite a wile Mr. Reynolds…….see if I kill you, even if I torture you to death ..again, I don´t think I´ll made made a decent example of you. But with her …."

His finger moved along Inara´s jawline, which made her struggle again.

" She is such an incredible beauty……such a price! Who could pass up such a bounty?"

" If you touch her ….."

Kaylee looked from the screen to her captain. His voice had gone low and quiet, it sounded almost like the growl of an animal.

" Oh …no, Mr. Reynolds …you misunderstand me! Keeping her for myself would be a temptation , but that is not the plan. She is so much more valuable is her beauty is to stay …intact. We cannot damage the goods too much now, can we? The swelling on her face will surely subside!"

Mal could feel Zoë's stare on the back of his neck, seering with intensity.

" Do you even know, why a companion of her beauty and …talent  would travel around on a ship like yours? Do you know why she left house Madrassa, when such a bright future was awaiting her, Mr. Reynolds?"

Mal could see Inara´s eyes widening in horror, her breathing becoming erratic, as though she could not get enough air through the gag in her mouth.

" Did she ever tell you?"

Mal stared at the drama unfolding in front of him……there was nothing he could do …not now. They needed to know more about his plan, if they were to do …anything.

" No…"

" You never wondered?"

" No…"

" Well …that is indeed very sad for you Mr. Reynolds! Since this knowledge will allow me to torture you forever …to make sure that you´ll never forget that you don´t mess with Niska!"

Inara shook her head frantically.

" You see, Mr. Reynolds. Her beauty was well renowned, she could have gone so far …..there was even a suitor who wanted to secure her services for himself. He wanted to make her his private companion. A very wealthy and important man, a war hero…….a very insistent man, he is. See Mr. Reynolds the only way to escape his advances that soon turned into more persistent offers, one might even say threats, she had to leave the core. But her departure did not cool this man´s heart……..he still wants her for himself alone, captain Reynolds and he is willing to pay a very handsome price for the fulfilment of this wish. He made me an offer I can not refuse!"

" You can´t sell her like cattle, Niska!" Mal spat out, trying very hard to control the urge  to plunge his fist into the screen.

" She´s a registered companion, guild law protects her …."

" Oh ..but the guild will never know! He powerful enough to make sure of that …. Farewell Mr. Reynolds!"

The screen went black.

The silence that followed was complete. The only sound that could be heard was the crew´s breathing. Kaylee sighed, pressing one of her hands to her mouth.

Mal´s anger and frustration was an almost touchable thing in the confined space. River could feel his fury radiating off of him in waves.

The impact made her sway slightly. 

It was different from Jayne´s anger that so easily stirred underneath his self- control. Jayne´s feelings, his anger was  hot .....scolding waves of feeling that she had become accustomed too. The captain´s feelings were just as raw….just as real to her now, but it was cold. His fury swirled around her in an icy wind that made her gasp under her breath. 

How could the other´s not feel it?

Is this the face that launched a thousand ships….

At that moment River knew that for Mal it was……it was the only face ……it would always be.

" Gorrammit!"  Mal´s scream exploded into the utter silence and paralysis like a bomb.

He turned around to look at Wash.

" He has the shuttle, where is it?"

" They deactivated the signal…."

" Where did the communication come from, can you pinpoint the signal?"

" They scrambled it, but …."

" Can you?"

" I can try!"

" Good ..that´s where we´ll start."

" Sir…." Zoe said softly.

" What if he lied? What if he is keeping her for himself …..or …" 

Zoë breathed deep, knowing that she would give voice to some of his worst fears and that noone was gonna like it…….but it had to be said.

" What if he killed her already, right after this transmission."

Kaylee gasped in shock, but Zoë went on.

" What if that is his intention, his ultimate revenge….to send us on a wild goose-chase only to wait for us at the end of the trail to tell us that is was all for nothing! That she was dead all along! "

Mal looked at his first officer, his face reserved. The thought had come to his mind too, but as long as there was a chance that …..

He remembered all the times had had reproached  her for who she was, for what she did. All those times he had called her a whore …..and she had taken it . Only the merest hint of anger and hurt in her voice as she talked back to him.  

Now he wished that he could take it all back ……each and every word!

They had hurt her because she had not just surrendered, she had put up a fight because that was who she was….fierce and proud. She would cower for no one, so they had tried to teach her a lesson.

He couldn´t even ponder the possibility of Inara´s death.

" He didn´t …" River whispered.

They both turned towards her.

" What?"

" He didn´t lie …." River repeated slowly, as calmly as she could.

Mal stared at her. The girl that had changed so much since the moment she had jumped from the container her brother had smuggled her aboard Serenity. A naked, confused shivering slip of a girl ….and yet she had turned out to be quiet an asset. 

He didn´t need to ask her how she knew ….she just knew, just as she had known so many other things. But there was something else in her eyes now…….

" You sure?" he asked her, suddenly eerily calm and serious.

" He will not kill her…." River answered quietly.

" The short satisfaction of knowing how much her death would hurt you does not outweigh the financial gain he is expecting. He is a businessman after all……and he knows that this, serving as his revenge will suffice."

River could feel Jayne´s hands curling around her shoulders in almost painful intensity. It was ment to be a protective gesture, one he wasn´t really aware of. His presence behind her as solid as a mountain, assuring but at the same time bewildering. She knew that it still creeped him out when she did this ……not just him, but Kaylee and Wash too. 

Simon leaned against the wall gnawing on his lower lip. The preacher´s gaze rested upon her as well curious and weary.

Mal returned her look for a second, then nodded.

" Good. Wash, find out where the transmission was sent from …we need there position to follow them! Zoe …tell out clients the deal is off …….."

Some time in all the commotion Kaylee had simply disappeared into the engine room. River followed her with a concerned look on her face. 

She knew what was on her friend´s mind ……she knew that it was not just the worries about Inara that scared her. It was the memories ……the bounty hunter and what he had threatened to do to her.

The thought that somebody could do all these things to the soft spoken companion was more than Kaylee could bear.

River found the young mechanic huddled into a corner, trying to stifle her sobs with a greasy handkerchief. 

„ Oh Kaylee…." River whispered, stretching out her hand towards her friend.

Kaylee looked up, sniffling into the handkerchief.

" Don´t cry Kaylee, please. We´ll get her back ….we´ll…"

" You don´t…." Kaylee said tonelessly, her knees pulled up to her chest.

" What?" River returned her look in honest confusion.

" You don´t cry ….not since…"

" No,  I don´t…." River concluded, as if the thought had just occurred to her.

 Since she had taken over control for good, things had been so very different, that sometimes she forgot that there had ever been a time when things had not been thus.

" …not anymore. I …..I think I´ve cried enough for a thousand lifetimes."

Kaylee nodded, burying her face in her hands again.

" I´ve never seen him like that …the captain. Oh god, poor Inara…..what are we gonna do? Who knows what that evil man is gonna do to her."

River sat down next to her.

" You know the captain, Kaylee. He never gives up! We´ll think of something. We´ll get her back, we´ll safe her!"

" But that horrible man …what if they hurt her? What if ….."

" He´s dead…." River breathed. 

The moment she said it, she knew it was true ….Niska would die. 

She might not even have to be the one to pull the trigger. From the look in his eyes River was willing to bet her life that the captain would  take care of that …of everyone who had laid hands on Inara. There was too much love there, maybe hidden under pride and fear, but there was love.

Malcolm Reynolds would never forgive anyone who hurt someone who was in his heart …..

Kaylee stopped crying, looking at her friend.

" What?"

" They are dead, we´ll find them …we´ll find Inara and get her back and …."

" You can´t promise that!"

River closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them again, turning towards Kaylee they were filled with icy determination. She purposefully let the other thing peek out, let it´s predator- like stare fill her eyes.

Kaylee shrunk back, gasping.

The calm, cunning expression in River´s face sent a shiver up her spine. It was still River, Kaylee could still see her …but underneath was something else, something cold, something alien …..Something not human.

" We´ll find her, Kaylee …….we will stop him!"

Kaylee nodded, swallowing hard. She took River´s hand and gave it a hard squeeze. This was still her friend, still River …… Whatever it was that dwelled in her mind, it was River´s and River´s alone. It was hers and she was in control.

It was a weapon and she would use it to help. Maybe it had been alien to her once, but now it was a part of her ….all she had to do was call it forth and it would come to her hand like a deadly beast of prey.

For the first time Kaylee really understood.

" River …." They both looked up to find Jayne standing in the doorway.

" Mal wants to talk to us……"


	35. Kindred

 Disclaimer: I do not own Serenity or her crew, all belongs to Joss and ME .....now go and shoot the movie already!!!

Notes: Sorry!!!! Thanx for all your kind feedback and the good wishes! My mother is out of the hospital and she´s gonna be fine!! Thanks again!!!

This chapter is short, I know but I´ll make up for it, I promise!!!

Kindred

            „ Can you do it?"

River returned the captain´s intense gaze without flinching, even though she was unsure of what to say. 

Looks like you are playing with the big boys now, Jayne had said before they had entered to cockpit.

She could feel the tension in the air all around her, a jumble of emotion radiating off

the other people in the small, confined space of  Serenity´s bridge.

Jayne stood behind her, leaning against the closed door. 

He was close, but just out of reach.

Wash sat in the pilot´s seat with his wife next to him. Zoë had propped up one

 elbow on the headrest, the other hand unconsciously moving over her holstered gun.

 The arrangement left River and Mal standing in the middle, facing each other.

" I don´t know …" River finally answered.

" I don´t know if it will work with Inara." 

" It worked with me and Jayne….didn´t it?"

" Yes …but you were both close by. When I came into your dream from the Reaver ship …..I couldn´t hold the connection up for very long, I couldn´t manifest."

Malcolm Reynolds took a deep breath, trying to reign down on his emotions. 

" We need to find out where they are taking her. She needs to know that we will be coming for her."

River understood. She could see why the idea of her dream-walking into Inara´s mind seemed like the perfect solution. But she still didn´t really know how she did that and she had told the truth…….she was not sure if it would work. 

" I don´t know if I can reach her captain, I´m not going to lie to you, but I will try!"

He nodded.

" What do you need?" Zoë asked, her facial expression torn between worry and doubt.

" I need Simon to give me a strong sedative …..to put me to sleep."

" Fine, you do that …..Wash will keep on trying to get a lock an Niska´s gorram ship."

River turned to leave, already reaching for the other thing in her mind. 

 She could feel Mal´s eyes on her again. There was something stirring in his mind, something else bothering him apart from the catastrophic situation they were caught in.

She turned around again, giving him a questioning look.

" Captain?"

" How did you know?" he asked suddenly, his voice dangerously low.

" How did you know what he would do ?"

" I didn´t …." River answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

" I just ……knew he wasn´t lying. I can feel it when people lie……as if the words don´t feel right."

She swallowed hard, but returned his look unflinching.

Mal could tell that was not all there was to it.

" What else did you …..see?"

" Nothing …I didn´t, but she did. She could see it in his eyes……the truth, she could see…..something resembling ….."

" What?"

River swallowed again.

" Kindred…she ….deduces that they have  things in common. In a way Niska is like her, she saw that. He kills, but not for personal pleasure ……he kills because he wants to, he enjoys the power it gives him, but he does not waste. He is a creature of necessity ….all business, there is no heart to it…."

Mal´s eyes narrowed slightly. An eerie silence filled the room as the others stopped dead in their tracks over River´s explanation. Mal had been there in Niska´s clutches. He had survived …barely….

" That gonna be a problem?"  Mal couldn´t help asking the question, trying to make his voice sound neutral.

A  bitter smile spread over River´s features.

" For him ….yes. She has deemed him a worthy opponent, a challenge …….a marked target."

Mal looked directly into River´s eyes, her pretty face  betraying nothing. There was a different look in those dark, knowing eyes now…..something that had not been there before.

She returned his look, her eyes for once cold and dispassionate and suddenly Malcolm Reynolds knew that it was not just her. There was something else too, peeking out…….the other thing looking out through River´s eyes.

That instant, River couls see his facial expression change from anger to confusion and then curiousity……..

Mal took a step closer, drawing a deep  breath. 

It was utterly fascinating and a bit frightening. This was it, he told himself. 

This was not just little River Tam, this was the whole package……the knowledge, the training, everything the alliance had created and bestowed upon Simon´s sister against her will.

She had made it hers. This was the part of River that had been added to her mind without her consent, the part that could and would kill in cold blood without a moment´s hesitation. And she had conquered it …..she controlled it, the ultimate weapon.

Then she blinked and it was gone, as though she had turned a switch.

" Captain?"

" Sir?"

Mal shook his head to clear his mind.

" Yeah ……shiny! You go and do …..that dream thing."

Echoes……

They were all around as River walked through the great hall that opened in front of her. The floor was made of dark, black marble, but it felt warm underneath her feet.

The hall was lit by the light of thousands of candles and the smell of burning incense filled the air. Giant pillars made of sleek, red stone parted the great hall into three equally breathtaking parts. Moonlight streamed through the glass ceiling so very high over her head.

It took a moment for the disorientation to subside…….. she could hear her own breathing echoing from the pillars and the dark walls. 

" You know what this is …don´t you?"

River turned her head to the side. Her mirror-image was sneaking a quick look from behind one of the pillars like a playful child.

River looked up to the ceiling again, biting her lip. She wasn´t quite sure ….

" House Madrassa…." River whispered, marvelling at the beauty of the place.

The thing pressed it´s face to the cold surface of the red stone.

" Hurry up , little sister …….she is far away and we cannot dwell here too long."

River knew it was true, she could feel the strain on her body and mind ………they were reaching to far and it could not last.

She needed to find Inara now…….


	36. Persephone

Disclaimer: All Belongs To ME and Joss Whedon ……..

Notes: Sorry it takes me longer and longer, But I am writing my thesis and time seems to run …..

I will still continue writing, so don´t worry! I hope you still enjoy this. I will try to update more regularly!

Thanks!!!!

Persephone

„ She feels cold!" Jayne´s rough whisper echoed through the lab as he hesitantly withdrew his palm from River´s forehead. 

" I know." Simon turned around to meet the mercenary´s scrutinizing stare. Jayne Cobb liked this about as much as he himself did. A bewildering and not at all comforting thought: the fact that they finally had something in common.

Simon could see Jayne´s jaw working as he pondered the implications. 

Now he was no doctor, he knew nothing about medicine or healing, quite the opposite…Jayne knew more about causing damage and inflicting pain, but it did not take a genius to figure out that River´s body temperature running so low, that she was cool to the touch, was not a good thing.

Jayne´s gaze wandered from the young doctor back to the girl on the gurney. For all he knew she was sleeping, trying to gain access to Inara´s mind…….she looked serene and peaceful…but to Jayne she seemed lifeless and …almost dead.

The sparrow had flown to unknown places…..his girl was not there.

" I´ll give her another 30 minutes, then I´ll wake her up…..no matter what!"  Simon told him wistfully.

He leaned against one of the cabinets, his arms crossed in front of his chest, taking it all in.

He had the syringe already prepped with adrenalin…..

When Jayne had sauntered in a few minutes ago, Simon had frowned inwardly. Still he knew there was nothing he could do. It was obvious that the tall, grumpy mercenary was worried……he could relate to that.

Jayne simply nodded, his eyes still fixed on River. 

Not for the first time he wondered how something so small, so fragile could be so incredibly strong and stubborn. 

She looked so …….oh  no, she would never fool him again! 

The gorram´girl! He knew her now, no matter how sweet and innocent and serene she seemed to be …….she could look like it all she wanted, but he knew her better than that!

He couldn´t help but smile with some sort of grim satisfaction. 

Jayne couldn´t  help it……..she made him feel all kinds of things…….he might be worried about her, but somehow he knew he´d not lose her to something like this.

She was a fighter, she´d come back from the dead just to spite him …….haunt him with those white little feet, those wild, unruly tresses of dark hair and those big, knowing eyes.

" Inara ….." Even the timid whisper echoed through the giant halls of the House Madrassa like a shout. It might just be a dream image, but to all intents and purposes it was real to River….

It had taken her a while to find the companion. She had been wandering through Inara´s mind for what seemed like an eternity. River knew that in fact it had just been a few hours, but she could feel that her strength was on the wane every step of the way. She was reaching too far…….she could not keep the connection up for much longer.

Now …finally she had found  Inara. The companion was kneeling in front of an altar, lighting incense sticks. She was dresses in a beautiful crimson silk robe that reminded River faintly of some of the Sari  she had seen Inara wear before.

She turned around, a look of bewilderment and confusion on her face.

" River?"

Inara gracefully got to her feet, gathering the veil around her shoulders in one hand.

" What are you doing here, how did you ….."

River shook her head, stepping towards the companion quickly.

" I walked into your dream, I am sorry …..I have no right to intrude, but we are running out of time. I cannot explain all this now…"

" Time is of the essence little sister!" With a suppressed gasp Inara turned to find another River standing behind one of the giant pillars, her face half hidden from view as she was facing away from them. The eerie whisper had unsettled her.

" What is this?"

" Inara …." 

She turned back towards the girl she had just been talking to. Then she understood …

" So this is her …the other one? She looks just like you."

" Yes……I know." She sighed.

" She helped take me here, I could not have done it alone ….I am reaching too far, Inara. This will not last, so we need to hurry! Mal sent me….."

She could see Inara´s face fall as the companion realized what River´s appearance was really about, her facial expression becoming tense bordering on  fear.

" No!" 

Inara said loudly, shaking her head. She took a step back, turning away from River.

" Do you know where they are taking you?" 

The moment River uttered the question, she could already feel the answer. The other woman´s feelings were like warm waves licking at her feet.

Inara was angry, angry with herself and scared to death at the same time. A brief, fleeting image of the captain drifted through her thoughts, the memory warmed her heart but it also filled her with fear.

River stepped closer, almost touching her shoulder.

" Inara….you need to tell me what you know. We need to know so we can help you, Mal needs to make plans…."

The companion shook her head again, the veil gliding from her shoulders to the floor.

" No…..there is nothing you can do, tell him that!"

River frowned.

" I have not known the captain that long, but even I know that telling him that is not going to change anything. You should know that!"

" And what does he propose? I tell you…."

Inara whirled around to face River, searching the girl´s face.

" ….then you tell him and then what? He follows Niska, trying to save me ……guns blazing?"

She laughed bitterly, still shaking her head.

" He´s going to get himself killed!"

" Inara …."

" No ……if he tries anything that´s how it´s going to play out! I will not see him dead or anyone of Serenity´s crew for that matter!"

She leaned forward slightly, taking River´s hand.

" River …..I have known this man Niska must have told you all about for a very long time. I know he did, because he told me so. He is a very dangerous man, even Niska is no match for him. He is ruthless in his pursuits and his standing in the alliance is very high. There is nothing Malcolm Reynolds can do for me now, please understand! You need to save him from this insanity!"

River closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deep. She could feel her strength seeping away faster and faster. 

Opening her eyes she looked back at the incredibly beautiful woman in front of her.

" Even if I wanted to…..Inara…", River said slowly and seriously, 

" I don´t think that is possible. Malcolm Reynolds will never leave any of his crew behind, no matter how bad things are. It goes against his very nature and deep inside you know this, Inara."

" But I am not part of his crew!" Inara returned heatedly with an edge of despair in her voice, however faint it was, River picked up on it.

She knew Inara felt that she needed to prevent this at all costs, she felt she needed to save him….all of them. This was all her fault, she had insisted to go to this planet…….she could not pull Serenity and her crew down with her……

The onslaught of Inara´s guilt made River sway ever so slightly. Suddenly she could feel the other thing´s cold finger´s  on her back like the touch of butterfly wings . Her mirror-image had moved behind her, cowering there, leaning against her back, supporting her.

" We need to leave soon, little sister …or all will be lost….."

River  looked directly into Inara´s eyes, smiling sadly.

" No ……you are  the woman he loves." River told her simply.

Inara gasped, covering her mouth with one hand.

" Don´t say that ….you have no way of…."

" …knowing?" 

River smiled sadly, feeling very cold.

 She remembered seeing Inara´s face, her graceful way of moving, the scent of her perfume imprinted in the captain´s mind. She could still feel the longing, the inability to reach out , the fierce pride and the trepidation that held him back …….

" I can look inside his heart just like I can see what you feel right now, Inara. I don´t know how we do it, be we do …..and this I know….I have never met two people as pigheaded and stubborn as you and captain Malcolm Reynolds. All this wasted time ..over what?"

She shook her head.

" I do not have time for this now, Inara …please! I know it is not my place to tell you what to do …but he will come for you, if you tell me where they are taking you or not ….there is no doubt about that."

Inara furrowed her brow, lifting her veil off the floor.

" I don´t want to put any of you in harms way….."

River felt a hand tugging at her sleeve. The other one´s cold, cold finger´s interweaved with hers.

" I know …."

" We need to do it now …or we will not find our way back." It whispered in her ear.

" Inara ….you need to tell me now, or …..I need to find out. This cannot have been for nothing. If you don´t tell me know I will pull the information from your thoughts, it is wrong and I know that but you leave me no choice …so please….there is no time left!"

She could see that the companion was still torn, but she finally nodded with a resigned sigh.

" Hades…." She whispered hoarsely.

" They are taking me to Hades." 


	37. Home

DISCLAIMER: Don´t own Firefly, all belongs to Joss Whedon.

NOTES: I apologize deeply and humbly for not writing anything in such a long Time, but the upcoming Exams I am facing and my thesis keep me on my toes!!! I hope there are still people out there who like to know how this will go on, so here´s just a little thing to keep you going. I will try to update more regularly with the holidays coming up and all. 

CHECK OUT THE DVD SET …I already got it and it´s a treat!!!!!!

Keep on flying!!!

HOME

„ How´s our girl doin´?"

Jayne and Simon both looked up as Malcolm Reynolds walked in.

" Not as good as I´d like!" Simon answered timidly, his eyes meeting the captain´s gaze. Mal approached the gurney with an expression of weariness on his handsome face.

" She didn´t wake up yet?"

His eyes sought Jayne who was leaning against the far off wall, arms crossed in front of his broad chest. The mercenary shook his head.

" She´s cold as ice."

" I´ll give her another ten minutes, if she hasn´t come around by then I´ll wake her up with an injection of adrenalin." Simon added, sorting through a nearby cupboard.

" Her lips are starting to turn blue and I´d rather not take any more risks on my sister´s life!"

Mal just nodded. There was nothing he could say, the doctor was right. If this hadn´t worked they would find another way. They had to….

With an exasperated sigh, Simon closed the cabinet doors, fscing the two other men in the lab.

" We´re out of blankets here and we need to warm her up. I´ll have to fetch additional blankets from my cabin, if she´s not awake when I return, I´ll start the procedure." The young doctor announced with a pointed look before he left sickbay.

Mal´s eyes returned to River, who lay on the gurney still as a corpse or a statue, covered with several blankets. Her pale, peaceful  face framed by the unruly mass of her tangled dark hair.

Mal couldn´t help but be reminded of an old fairy tale his mother had told him once when he would not go to sleep as a little boy. A tale about a sleeping princess in a bower, waiting for some sort of magic kiss to free her from a spell…….

The notion almost made him laugh, despite the situation they were in; River sure did look the part with her pretty face and that pixie- like quality …..but Jayne Cobb was hardly a prince and anyone who ´d even mention something like that to him would most likely be closely acquainted with the mercenary's fist.

Mal shook his head and chuckled.

" How easily we forget…." He mumbled, unsure if he was talking to himself or Jayne.

" …after everything she´s done, she ´s still such a fragile little thing." 

Jayne growled and rubbed his hands over his face a few times.

" It´s the one ruddin´thing that I can never really forget, it´s always somewhere in the back of my mind. No matter what the gorram´ girl is capable of, she´s still ….." He ground out when Mal turned from River to look at the other man. Nodding, pursed his lips thoughtfully.

" That scare you sometimes?"

" Nope…." Jayne ground out, taking a deep breath.

" What scares the living hell out of me is that she does all these things when she has no ruddin´clue as to how she does it. Doesn´t know how it all works, she just ….Gorramit it , Mal …she just goes and does them and it´s bound to get her into trouble sooner or later!"

" You know.." Mal  shook his head, trying not to smile. " Don´t think there´s much use in tellin´her what to do, she´ll just…"

" Do as she pleases, I know! Doctor probably still thinks that it´s all me havin´a bad influence on her, corruptin´his sweet, innocent sister!"

Mal could not help but grin a little.

" That may be so, but the doc has cooled down a fair bit. But you´ve been havin´a bad influence on that girl!"

Jayne grinned back, but as his gaze swept over River, he grew sombre again. 

" Been pridin´ myself on that for a while, but not even the devil himself could tell her what to do and what not. It´s part of what I like about the doctor´s crazy little sister. Can´t lie to her either……that gorram´girl takes a look at you and knows what goes on in your ruddin´

 mind!"

" Strange how things work out, ha?  Who´d have thought that we´d come to rely on her aptitude this much?"

" Guess we all have our little quirks…Kaylee´s never been to a special school or sumthin´ and she´s the best mechanic,  Wash talks a whole boatloads of rubbish sometimes, but he´s one hell of a pilot, I´m good with guns…..hell, even the doctor has his uses. And my girl …well she just happens to be a mind reading genius who can walk into people´s dreams."

This time Mal could not help but shoot Jayne a mocking grin.

" Now listen to you! To think that you would have left her to some religiously crazed crowd a few months ago!"

" Anybody lays a hand on that girl…." 

" Oh, lemme guess…" Mal interrupted the mercenary. " You´ll break it?"

" Nah …." Jayne told him with a sardonic grin.

" I´ll rip his whole gorram´arm off and beat him to death with it!"

" How come you only say the really romantic things when I happen to be unconscious?"

" River!"

Then men turned around staring at her in shock as she started coughing violently. Her voice sounded hoarse and brittle, but she gave them a weak smile.

" I´m so cold!"

" Your brother is getting more blankets, how are you feelin´?"

Mal asked her with a worried expression. Her skin was so pale that it seemed almost translucent.

" Cold …..thirsty."

" We´ll get you some water and maybe Kaylee can whip up some hot broth to warm you up!"

" Captain ….." River closed her eyes for a moment. She felt a paralyzing tiredness and so very, very cold.

" Hades …..that is where Niska is going. They are taking Inara to Hades."

Jayne furrowed his brow as he carefully put one hand on River´s forehead.

" You sure? Never heard of that planet."

" It´s not a planet….It belongs to Olympus" Mal said gravely.

" Hades is a moon." River whispered, opening her eyes again.

" Not more like a peace of bleak rock, really. But has his own atmosphere, it´s been a hideout for pirates and smugglers."

" We´ll fit right in then!"


	38. cold

DISCLAIMER: By now …it´s clear they are not mine, they belong to Joss who´s gonna shoot a shiny movie with them ……

NOTES: THANKS THANKS THANKS , to all you beautiful, wonderful people who still read this and wished me the best of luck on my exam! It humbles me so evertime I read your feedback and makes me so very proud that you like what I write! I can never thank you enough!!!!

So here is just a small thing I wrote right after my exam yesterday and I promise I will update a few more times over the holidays!! I promise ….more to come!!!!

COLD

River took a shuddering breath, her eyes fluttering shut.

She allowed herself to lean back into the pillow beneath her head. She had said it …Hades, she had told them. Now all she needed to feel was warmth. She reached inside, reaching out her hand to touch the other thing, slipping back into her own mind.

They were in the grey room, lying on the floor. She was on her back, staring up at the ceiling she could not really see, then turned her head. The other thing lay in her vicinity on it´s stomach…panting. River could see only one dark eye as the rest of it´s face was turned towards the floor. She reached out with an effort, grabbing a hold of the thing´s hand and squeezing it tight.

" You brought us home…." She whispered with the slightest tone of surprise.

It afforded her the mockery of a smile that River had become so accustomed to, part predatory part childish.

" I´ll always see us safely home." Her mirror- image returned softly.

" We are one now, little sister. I will never lead you astray…."

She did not want to stay to sleep in the lab, so they had put her up in her tiny room. Mal had started to talk strategy immidiatly. Where to land, what to do, what the enemy might do ……he had smiled at her wryly.

" You can maybe help us later, once you´re rested and warm …….".

Jayned had smiled grimly at her, still holding himself back a little…..there was something that bothered him. But River was too tired and cold to make the effort of probing his mind as he left with the captain. Wash had already set course.

She slept no more than two , maybe three hours. Kaylee had brought her warm broth to warm her up. Even after her rest River still felt chilled to the bone.

She looked up as the door slid back to reveal Jayne whose tall, broad frame filled almost door-case.

For a moment he just looked down at her, his face set. 

" Mal´s eager to get on with the plannin´, wants to know if you got any other intel. She must have told you sumthin´…..since you were gone so long." His voice sounded pressed and low. River cradled the cup in her hands, hoping that some of the heat would seep into her cold fingers, and watched him as he started pacing the room.

„ You look like you´re going to yell at me" 

Her soft voice made Jayne turn around to look at her. There were dark rings under her eyes and she was even paler than usual, if that was even possible. She looked tired and drained and very, very vulnerable.

" Not gonna yell at ya´, why would I?"

She lifted an eyebrow, taking another sip of the hot broth, her eyes still fixed on him. He was pacing the confines of her small cabin like a caged animal, a very dangerous animal on the brink of an explosion.

She could feel the scolding waves of feeling that he emitted unknowingly. Feeling the heat of his emotions made River even more aware of how cold she felt. So cold that she welcomed wave after wave, as though they could warm her.

" You usually yell when you are angry." River said unperturbed, pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders with one hand.

" I´m not angry!" Jayne growled. 

" Yes, you are ……you always get angry when something scares you. That´s the way you deal with this kind of things!"

"Gorrammit River!" 

Now she had done it! He was yelling at her. What was that gorram` stubborn girl thinking?

He was not scared…….why would he be? 

" If you ruddin´well know everything, why are you askin´?"

She said nothing. River simply sat there, looking at him. Then she put the empty cup down on the table next to the bed.

" I´m sorry! "

" No you are not!" 

" You´re right , I´m not …..I just ….."

" Gorrammit River! I hate it when you do that …..that thing you did just there……with Inara, the dream-walking. You are still as cold as a ruddin´ ice-block! Nobody knows how you do it, if you get in trouble …."

" You want to…..

" When you do those ruddin´things I …I …don´t know what to do! I´m not smart like that….it makes me feel all kinds of creepy!"

River couldn´t help but smile. He was wound so incredibly tight and it was because of her. The thought alone made her feel tingly down to her toes.

Gingerly, she got off the bed and stepped towards him.

"Your hands are always warm!" she whispered as she moved to take a hold of them. 

River leaned into him, guiding his arms around her until they clasped behind her back.

" You are so warm…."

She felt his sharp intake of breath, felt the anger subside until he had it under control. One of his rough hands slid upward slowly to cup the back of her head. Jayne pulled her closer and it felt like she could just melt into his warmth.

River closed her eyes and sighed. She could feel his lips moving over her forehead, her hair.

He was still struggling with himself over something and this time she did not intrude.

He bent down as though to pick her up, his voice sounder raw and hoarse.

" We´re ok though, aren´t we?"

" … no power in the ´verse, remember?"


	39. Linger

DISCLAIMER: I never said I owned anything so ……PLEASE don´t sue me for my complete and utter devotion to this show!

NOTES: YES , Yes …I´m going as fast as I can here!!!!!! And I try to write longer chapters ….I´ll be a good girl, I promise!! 

Thanks again for your nice feedback! …it definitely makes me write faster!!

LINGER

River didn´t hear him chuckle so much as she felt the rumble in his chest.

She looked up at him with a puzzled expression.

" What ?"

" You know, I´ll never get tired of hearing that…..but I still hate it that you somehow manage to find new, sneaky ways to make me do what you want….Like that time in the gorram´ shuttle when you gave me that fancy knife of yours."

River nodded, biting her lip.

" You just straight out told me to kiss you."

" That is nothing like this you big oaf!" She squealed mockingly, pushing away from him.

Jayne just laughed and grabbed her upper arms to make sure she didn´t get away.

" Oh …you ruddin´ well know it is!"

" You wanted to kiss me so badly and you know it!" Finally she managed to slip from his grip. Trying to look superior she flung her hair over her shoulder and moved back to her bed, sitting down in a huff. 

" I know it, Jayne Cobb,  because I can read it in your dirty mind!" River pointed an accusing finger at the mercenary in a manner that managed to be both teasing and sulking at the same time.

" Don´t you dare  pretend ….you never needed to be tricked into anything you did not want to do!"

Jayne couldn´t help but flash her  an evil smile before he grew a little more serious just by looking at her. Mal was right, they sometimes forgot how young she was, he sometimes forgot …..

Sure, he had never been a man with many scruples and he wasn´t going to loose sleep over taking her into his bed. After all River had not been dragged to his bunk by her hair or against her will……and it didn´t seem as though she´d start protestin´ or complainin´ anytime soon. Still……the way she sat there, huddled into a thick blanket, she looked very young, so very dainty and pale. 

" I wasn´t suppose to want that." Jayne ground out before he even realized that he was talking. River looked at him, sensing the change.

" Sometimes I´m not even sure if I´m supposed to want this now….."

River lifted a brow. 

" Oh !That'd be a shame…." She whispered in a tone of voice so low that it took him a moment to comprehend that the words were indeed coming from her. She sounded husky, even sultry as she let the blanket slide from her shoulders.

" You´re so good at it!"

Jayne threw his head back and laughed. The gorram´girl …..trust her to make him feel better, bringing him back from the edge in no time with some little retort or such.

" I knew there was some ruddin´ reason for you to keep me around!" he growled.

River rubbed her palms against each other, feeling the warmth coming back to her fingertips ever so slowly. 

" You want to protect me …I knew that even before I heard you and Mal talking today!"

She said with a hesitant smile. 

" I can do things, but don´t ever think that your wanting to protect me will make me angry. It´s what makes me feel save enough to do all these things."

Jayne nodded slowly and came towards her with a mischievous grin. 

" I think I wanna kiss you now."

" I was counting on that!"

He leaned down the same moment she rose from where she sat on the bed, meeting him half way until he cradled her face in his big hands.

It didn´t surprise Jayne that she felt still cold to the touch, but he could feel the warmth of her body returning  slowly. Her lips felt cool, but soft and inviting as always.

The gorram' girl was going to be the death of him one day!

River sighed, stretching her body for one luxurious moment. Slipping back into her own mind was getting easier and easier every time. She could actually feel the warm, lush grass underneath her. Hear the birds and the bumblebees around her and the frogs in the pond. She could feel the sun on her skin and smell the flowers. Only the faint purring sound was new.

River opened her eyes to find herself on the green in the vicinity of the silvery lake where she had seen the other thing for the first time. It was still a beautiful, idyllic sight to behold, full of tranquillity and peace.

River turned to the right to find an ginger tiger-cat curled up next to her, purring in a very contented way.

" Oh …how cute!" River cooed as she got to her feet. The cat opened her eyes lazily, giving her a tiny meow. It took its time to stretch before it moved towards her in order to rub its furry side along River´s legs. The purring grew louder still.

 " What a cute kitty you are!" River smiled at the cat, even though her tone of voice had taken up a more ironic note. She leaned down as if to pet it, but instead the smile fell from her lips as she looked into the cat's dark eyes.

" Aw …you turned yourself into a cat, how sweet…..cut it out!"

As though somebody had turned a switch the purring stopped. The cat sat down on it´s hind legs, looking at River in an almost annoyed fashion. Despite its appearance it didn´t look like a cat at all anymore. Without a moment of transition it turned into River´s mirror image.

" Learned a new trick?" River asked almost amused. The thing cocked its head to one side. A gesture that still struck River as incredibly artificial and unnatural for something resembling a human being. It would forever serve her as a reminder that, despite its form, the other thing was everything but….

" I found this in your memory, but I admit I don´t understand its worth or meaning. Your knowledge of this seems to serve no particular purpose. It is a story about ……a girl and a rabbit and a mirror….and for some reason this cat!"

River lifted one brow, trying not to laugh.

And here she had been thinking that her former nemesis could not surprise her anymore. Some part of her couldn´t help but hope that it wouldn´t turn to Grimm´s fairytales next.

" So you like it?"

The thing tried to imitate her facial expression but failed. 

" We both know that I lack the capacity to like or dislike anything. But I find these memories…intriguing. I need something to occupy myself with …..when I´m in here alone."

River nodded in fascinated understanding.

The other thing was like a very isolated, wilful child. A dangerous, potentially cruel and ruthless child, that bored easily.

" Well …we are on this rescue mission, so I think you will get a chance to ….go out and play….very soon."

" You have use for me?"

The way the thing´s face lit up, River half expected it to jump up and down and clap its hands.

 " It is about the pretty lady we went to see and the temple…out in the cold? And that Niska man?"

River nodded again. The thing looked at her, suddenly standing very still and folding its hands.

" That would serve me  as an interesting occupation."

Then it smiled. River stared at her own empty face being lit up by the imitation of her own, full smile. It seemed wrong and twisted. It was a sight disturbing enough to make her blood run cold. She wasn´t afraid of the other thing anymore, they were sisters now, but it bothered a part of her none the less.

With a suppressed gasp she let go of that place in her mind, allowing herself to float back to the surface of her consciousness.

She opened her eyes, rolling onto her side to lean her head onto Jayne´s shoulder again.

" What´s she have to say?"

River pressed her lips to the warm skin of his shoulder, right underneath a slim scar of what she guessed to be a knife- wound. She breathed deep.

" Let´s just say for the ecord that we´d better be glad that she´s on our side now!"

" That´s the plan?" Wash said, gawking at the captain from his seat at the mass table. The silence that followed was deafening. Pretty much every member of the crew seated around the long, wooden table was staring at Malcolm Reynolds.

" You got a better one?"

 Sorry……will update again soon. Could not resist evil cliffhanger! It´s stronger than me!!!!


	40. scylla and chabrydis

DISCLAIMER: No I don´t own zip ……wish I did, then I could play with them whenever I want!

NOTES: So here goes the plan ……and the bickering………and the stupid comments! Enjoy!

Hope you all had a happy new year!!!!!! And a Wonderful Chrismukkah( Hey chaos , I watch that show too …isn´t SET just cute???)

THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK!! I love you guys! 

 SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS

„ A better plan? " Wash asked into the silence, scratching his head.

" I don't know, but  let me think about it for maybe …say five minutes…..I might come up with an even crazier one!"

" What is your ruddin´ problem?" Mal interrupted him angrily.

" My problem? Maybe that this so called plan of yours is really not much of a plan at all!"

Looking at the captain's face Simon carefully tried to slide his chair a little further away from the table. The doctor exchanged a weary look with Shepherd Book, who sat at his right. Judging from the look on Malcolm Reynold's face he thought it more than likely that Serenity´s captain might just leap across the table any second now to throttle his pilot.

" Well maybe if the captain explained it again…." Kaylee piped up, gingerly tugging at Mal´s sleeve. "Maybe we just didn't really get the gist of the plan yet. If you could just explain it again, we might…."

" I think that would be a very good idea, don't you agree, Sir?"  Zoë said pointedly, one hand on her husbands arm.

"I think I got it the first time ´round!" Jayne said, grinning evilly as he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head.

When everyone stared at him the mercenary shrugged. Under the table River gave him a kick to the chins just for good measure.

"But hey ….I sure don't mind hearing that gorram´ crazy plan again!"

Malcolm Reynolds closed his eyes for a second, counting to ten and taking a deep steadying breath.

"Remind me again why I don´t shoot  you for insubordination?"

"Because you need me for that crazy plan of yours!"

"Right the plan …shiny, now again for all who did not get it the first time: Our friend Niska may own his own space station, but we all know he ain´t gonna fly that pretty thing over to Hades. For one it's to big, to flashy and too slow! Wash spotted his shiny new ship, it's faster but also smaller and in contrast to his pretty station not armed to the teeth. It's smaller so that means…."

"He'll have to restock before going home once his business is finished." Book finished.

Mal nodded in assent.

"That's right! It means that the crew will have to pick up a few things while they're on Hades….like food, water, gas or his new ship will never make it back home from his little business venture. That's good for us, cause there's only one settlement on Hades that trades in gas." He punched his finger onto a small point on a map that lay on the table in front of him. It was situated in what seemed to be a canyon, the signs next to the mark on the map stated

 "Styx" in untidy letters. " So…"

" They´ll have to make the exchange somewhere in that vicinity." Zoë answered.

Mal nodded.

" That´s what we should be countin' on. As I said before….Wash …" He threw another warning glance to his pilot.

" Wash has managed to get some information on alliance movements and it seems as though one of their cruisers is heading towards Hades. We have about one and a half day on them."

"So what you are counting on really is that the men  Niska is going to send into that settlement to organize the pick up of water and rations for the way back will be ….." Book looked around the table in his search for the right words.

" ….in the mood to celebrate?"

"Been out there in the black for some ruddin' time, Mal´s right, they´ll come looking for charming company."  Jayne growled, wiggling his eyebrows.

Zoë couldn´t resist rolling her eyes at him before she turned to the captain again.

"We don´t know that for sure, Sir."

"Oh , I think we do." Mal answered with a bitter grin.

"You went into that station with no more than five bodies in order to get me out and still kinda caught them with their pants down. We trashed that station up pretty nice ……now they think they duped us bad. Believe me, they'll want to celebrate!"

" But ….maybe…I mean, how do you know they'll pick that…particular establishment to celebrate their victory?" Simon asked, struggling for the most neutral expressions possible.

The young doctor cringed inwardly as all eyes fixed on him.

" Well doctor, hate to be the one to break it to you but Jayne's got this one right for once. This particular establishment is the only bordello in town."

" It's still a lot of maybes, Mal!" Wash told him wearily.

" And I don't feel very comfortable with my wife going in as bait, pretending to be a hooker to lure one of these guys somewhere we can jump him….and then get the meeting point for the exchange out of him"

" It's  just a disguise honey!" Zoë said, patting his arm.

"Zoë can´t go in there!" 

"What?" Mal turned to Kaylee with a confused look. Now his little mechanic had really been the last of whom he would have expected any protest. Still, there she sat with a worried expression on her pretty face, her eyes round and wide like a little girl's.

" I said Zoë can´t be our decoy, they´ll recognize her. She walked half through Niska´s station when she ransomed Wash. What if one of those guys happens to have been there and recognizes her….."

"That's not very likely, is it?" Simon asked, pinching the back of his nose. He could feel a headache developing rapidly. No …the life of crime was definitely not for him, not even a big moustache would change that.

Mal returned Kaylee´s look, gnawing on his lower lip.

River gave her brother a wry smile. "You are a man …..I think a woman like Zoë, even if you only caught a glimpse of her, is hard to forget. Even if it's not likely, should we take the risk? It could spoil everything."

Mal nodded, his glance shifting to River.

"She's right. Maybe it's not likely but …..Can't afford to take the chance! If one of them had the slightest suspicion, it´s over."

"That leaves Kaylee and me." River stated matter- of -factly.

" No!" Simon shook his head vigorously.

" No way!" 

Mal and the doctor looked at each other, while Jayne sat up straight and turned towards River.

"We can't let you two go in there…" Mal said, shaking his head almost in time with Simon.

"I wanna help, captain!" Kaylee alleged empathically.

" No!" Mal shook his head again. " I´m with the doctor on this one." 

The thought of Kaylee in a whorehouse, maybe forced to draw a gun made his heart ache. She had told him herself how the last time she had held a gun had gone down. She had gotten shot once before…….Now he knew that River could probably handle herself, but the thought of her as a hooker, even if it was just a disguise was just wrong.

River tried to ignore Jayne´s angry stare, exchanging an exasperated look with Kaylee she sighed, pushing her chair back. She stood up slowly, propping her hands up on her hips.

Her eyes wandered across the table from one person to another until it fixed on Malcolm Reynolds. There was no way she had done this dream- walking ordeal for nothing!

"Well…" she said seriously, one fine eyebrow lifted like a perfect arc over her dark eyes.

" ….unless you and Jayne want to dress up as hookers, captain. I guess you have no choice."

Before Mal could even answer, Kaylee threw her head back and let out a soft, giggly squeal that turned into laughter.

" Oh….Sorry Cap´n but I think you'd make a horribly ugly hooker. Don't think any of those guys would let you lure them anywhere, let alone be willin' to pay to see you in some flimsy outfit!"

Wash turned away from the table, hiding his face in his hands to suppress his laughter. All around the table people started grinning or chuckling, even Zoe couldn´t keep a smile from her face. Mal frowned impatiently.

" I think she might be right, Sir!"

Kaylee stood up next to River, putting her arms around the smaller woman's waist.

"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, my daddy used to say!"

River looked at Kaylee, smiling.

Mal stared at the two of them with an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. He knew they were right, to make this plan work he needed them to go in, he needed the fact that they were pretty, young girls. He didn´t like it one bit, but it seemed as though …no matter what he said, they had already made up their minds.

" They could recognize you just as well as Zoë, some of Niska`s men shot at you two in the dock!" Simon reminded them, his face serious. He did not like this plan one bit.

Kaylee´s whole body tensed for a second, but it was River who answered her brother.

"The men who saw us are all dead." Her voice sounded detached for a second, as though she was not talking about three men that she had shot. She didn't regret it, River realized. They had tried to shoot her and Kaylee so she had shot them …no, not her ……the thing.

"You sure you're up for this?" he asked into the heavy silence that had fallen over the table like a thick blanket.

Kaylee took a deep breath, nodding.

"She would have done so much more than this."

" That's not what I'm askin´ Kaylee."

"You can't seriously think of letting them do this!" Simon said, until he caught his sister´s gaze. She looked into her brother's eyes, shaking her head.

"Not now, Simon, please!"

Kaylee returned Mal´s questioning look, trying to muster up a brave smile. Maybe she did not know what exactly she was getting herself into, but this was not just about her ….it was about Inara, about the captain. Niska hadn´t just hurt those two……he was trying to hurt all of them and she wanted to do her part.

"Do I get to dress up in a scandalous outfit lookin´ all seductive and glamorous?" she inquired with a sly smile.

"That's an essential part of the plan." River answered, still trying to ignore Jayne´s piercing stare. She could feel the boiling emotions surrounding her, like waves tickling her.

"Oh …then I'm up for it. I promise I'll let River do the shootin´ and cuttin´ if need be. I´ll keep to the cursin´and lewd comments!"

River took her hand, squeezing it tightly as she finally looked into Jayne´s severe face.

"It'll be okay!" she said, even though Mal was not quite sure who she was talking to …..her 

brother, him ….Jayne?"

The mercenary looked at his boots for a moment, shaking his head. When he looked up again his face split into a grim smile.

"Yeah ..I know!"

She knew he liked this idea as much as Mal or Simon, he did not want her or Kaylee to do this, but she also knew where that smile came from just then. River looked into his eyes and she could read it in his thoughts. It made her blush a little and return his wicked grin at the same time.

It was almost as if he thinking it to have her read it in his thoughts, almost as though he was actually saying it to her……..getting to see you in a hooker get up, now that´s even better than the gorram´ leather pants.


	41. Styx

DISCLAIMER: Don´t Own them, Never have , never will …….

NOTES: Sorry, still takes me so long to update! 

Thanks to all my kind reviewers for bearing with me!!! I grovel at your patient feet!!!!

Thanks for reminding me why I write this! 

( Chaos …Seth is a treat and the whole show is brilliant! I even loooove  Sandy´s eyebrows!

Innogen ……I will try to do as you say!) 

The new chapter is also well on its way!

STYX

It didn't feel right, going through Inara´s things. Most of Inara´s belongings were in her shuttle, but Mal had remembered a few storage containers stowed away safely in one of Serenity´s secret compartments. Things that Inara had sorted out, but was unwilling to part with.

 The simple truth was that neither River nor Kaylee owned any kind of clothing that was even close to the provocative variety needed for their disguise. 

Another truth was; neither did Inara…at least not really. The companion owned a lot of gowns and clothes that were exotic, beautiful and seductive, but everything was stylish and classy. Nothing Inara owned looked cheap or promiscuous enough to belong to a straight of the mill prostitute and they were running out of time. Wash was already setting them down on Hades.

" She has so many pretty things!" Kaylee sighed. Even the clothes she had obviously not worn in a long time were in perfect condition and looked expensive.

" I hope she doesn't mind …you know. Snooping through her things, it´s just…."

" …not right." River finished, looking up at the pretty mechanic from where she was kneeling on the floor, going through the contents of a huge wooden trunk.

" I know, it feels like we're intruding. These are her things is, she did not throw them out, she wanted to keep them." River lifted another shirt out of the trunk and frowned.

" I'll never fit into any of this , I'm not ….shapely enough."

In the end Kaylee and River settled for an interesting mixture of attire that was never meant to be worn together.

Mal gaped at the two of them for full two minutes before he started shaking his head.

Simon recovered a lot faster, shaking his head more rapidly, muttering the words, " No way!"

over and over. 

 "I kinda like it!" Jayne growled, trying very hard not to grin evilly at the doctor's obvious discomfort. Zoë slapped him on the arm with an impatient glare.

" Will you stop it!"

" What is all this ruckus about again, children?" Wash asked playfully as he entered the mass from the corridor leading towards the cockpit.

" Oh my …." He whispered, stopping dead in his tracks. 

At this Malcolm Reynolds snapped back to life.

"You are not leaving the gorram´ ship like this!" he said determinedly, nodding towards River and Kaylee.

"But Captain….."

"Get dressed now….go lil´Kaylee, now!"

"Why?" 

"Why?" Mal lifted an eyebrow. 

"Have you looked at yourself lately?"

A part of Malcolm Reynolds was still dumb folded. His mind just could not make the connection between his sweet, wholesome Kaylee and the woman that stood in front of them now. She was dressed in what looked like a black satin corsage that left her shoulders naked and started dangerously low above her bosom. It was so tight that the rise and fall of her chest  gave way too a lot more fantasies than Mal was at ease with. The matching black skirt was skimpy and seemed to consist of nothing more than several layers of tattered, shiny cloth. A pair of knee-high boots and a generous dose of make up completed the outfit.

River's get up was not much better, she wore a midriff baring top which looked by far too much like nothing more than a glimmering, red handkerchief tied behind her neck and her back with neat bows. Since she had apparently not found any other thing of Inara´s that fit her, Simon´s sister had settled for simply wrapping a sarong low over her hips and knotting it at one side of her waist. Her right leg was clearly visible all the way up every time she moved.

Mal shook his head again.

"I'm supposed to look like a prostitute, captain!"

"She's right , Sir!" Zoe interjected quietly.

"Shiny! Just Shiny!" Mal mumbled angrily. He knew Kaylee was right, they needed to blend in. If they didn´t things could go very, very wrong for them …..but still…that did not mean he had to like this any better! He just could not look at them dressed up like this. It did not sit right with him. Still……he knew he´d go to a lot further lengths to save Inara.

" I think it´ll work!" Jayne said, leaning back against one of the cabinets, still grinning.

Simon turned to shoot the mercenary a foul look. That was his sister, dressed up like a common prostitute! How …how …had it had come to this?

Sometimes Simon was still unable to wrap his mind around the recent developments. 

This was not what he had in mind when he had set out to save his sister from the alliance!

And now …..

"River….." he said, shaking his head.

"Oh Simon, it's going to be alright!"

She walked over to him, taking his hand.

"Look at you, Mei-Mei!"

"It's just a disguise Simon, a ploy….." 

" I know, but still it´s ...so very disturbing!"

River looked at her brother, pressing her lips to his cheek.

"Don't worry, if any of those guys in that brothel tries anything…." She looked over her shoulder to the other man in her life.

" Jayne will hurt them."

"You ruddin´ bet I will!" Jayne ground out.

"Oh …you must be loving this!" Simon bellowed at him.

" Watcha talking about now, doctor?" 

" Don´t play dumb with me! That is my little sister you're leering at!"

Jayne opened his mouth to counter, but Mal´s warning glance made him think the better of it. Right…… maybe telling the gorram´doctor Tam that he had seen his baby sister in less clothes by far, was not such a good idea considering their current situation! So Jayne settled  glaring  at him. 

What Mal had not taken into account was that lil´ River Tam was far beyond the point of letting men squabble over her like she wasn´t even there.

Sharing an annoyed look with Kaylee, River rolled her eyes.

" Relax Simon. Jayne is hardly the one you need to be worrying about, he has already  seen me naked!"

Kaylee couldn´t hold back the giggle that escaped her, no matter how hard she tried. Zoë lifted an eyebrow at Mal who simply groaned.

" Mei-Mei…."

" She did not just say that honey, did she?" Wash asked his wife, his facial expression as neutral as he could make it..

That gorram´girl! Jayne could not help but grin even wider, despite the murderous looks from Simon and Mal. 

Hell ….it wasn´t as though nobody had known! 

" Usually helps if you wanna…."

" Jayne!" Mal yelled sharply. "Can we please keep the ghastly details to ourselves, if you don´t mind? "

Wash shook his head.

" I don´t think I wanna be here for this. This is not something I want to have running around my head!"

River shrugged at Kaylee again, her eyes lingering on Jayne for a second.

" Shall we proceed with the plan then?"

" Yeah Captain, this is hooker look is not a very comfortable wear!"

" Shiny …..Wash get the shuttle ready, we´re going to town!"

" That bad influence we talked about?" Mal hissed to Jayne as he passed. 

" Really seems to be catchin´on!"

" I should have found another ship for us!" Simon mumbled to himself as River kissed him again on the cheek before she turned to leave.

"So are we clear on the plan?"

River and Kaylee moaned in unison. 

"Yes…." 

Malcolm Reynolds swivelled around in his chair to look at the two girls. It was still a shock for him; every time he did not look at them he seemed to forget how they were made up now. 

"Then let's hear it again!"

Kaylee gave him an angry scowl.

" I really think we got it, you repeated it all the way down here, about twenty times!"

"Good, then tell me …again!"

The  mechanic sighed. 

"Fine …we go in, look for one of Niska´s men as unobtrusive as possible."

"And if you even think anybody suspects…"

"We leave." River answered quietly.

"When we find them, we try to one of them take us to one of the rooms on the upper level, a room with a window outback."

"And ….?" Mal prodded.

"And once we're in, I'll put him out with the hydro-spray Simon gave me! Then we´ll signal you …..and then we´ll all get him out through the window!"

"So glad we´re on the same page!"

Jayne stood by, staring at the two of them. Despite the fact that he kind of enjoyed seeing his girl in such an interesting outfit, showing off that much skin…..there was a little voice in his head. A voice that seemed to mind……a voice that was getting louder and louder. He knew too well that the ruddin´girl could take care of herself, still it didn't make things better. Never hurt  to make sure, in his profession Jayne had learned that the hard way

" C´mere for a second!"

Jayne rasped, taking River´s arm, leading her away from Mal and Kaylee. It was an almost futile move, since the shuttle was not that spacious.

" What?"  River looked up at him with a puzzled expression.

" Where you hidin´ that gorram spray?" 

" Jayne…." River shook her head, frowning.

" Oh ….don´t ruddin´ tell me, I´ve got a feelin´ I don´t wanna know!"

" Jayne.." River said softly, stepping closer. " Kaylee has it!"

"Oh …right!" He gave her that feral smile she knew so well by now.

"You know, my brother was right. You are leering."

Jayne laughed at her throatily, shaking his head.

" Gorramit, girl ! Can´t help it, you seen youself?"

She scowled at him a little unhappily.

"This is just a makeshift outfit, I didn´t fit into any of those clothes. I seem to be lacking the right …curves."

" Ow …c´mon, Lil´ Miss Tam!" he laughed, leaning down to whisper in her ear.

" You got all it takes, darlin´. To me you are perfect."

River moved her hand over his arm, leaning against him for a second. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Mal still talking to Kaylee with a solemn expression on his face. 

" He´s worried." She whispered. " He´s so tense from all this, being worried about us, Inara, the ship ….he wants to kill Niska."

" Can´t blame him." Jayne told her with a shrug. " Now listen, I got something here I want you to take with you as precaution."

River searched his face for a second. 

" Knife?" River asked flatly. If the blade was slim enough she could probably hide it somewhere…..

But Jayne shook his head, pulling something out of his pocket.

" Knew I bought that gorram´ thing for a reason all those years ago, never got to use the ruddin´ piece, but it´s just right for this!"

River looked at the thing in his hand. Arching a fine eyebrow at him, she smiled playfully.

" My , my ….Mr. Cobb, that has to be the tiniest gun in the whole ´verse!"

The minute revolver looked more like a pretty toy in his big hand. It was silver and well maintained, but even in River´s small, slender hand it looked hardly real; a plaything, nothing more. She needn´t ask if it worked, Jayne would not own a gun if it didn´t shoot to kill. 

" Figured it´s small enough to hide it, even in your outfit. There´s only six bullets and they´re ruddin´small so if you use it go for the throat or sumthin´ …."

" Thank you!" she whispered, giving him a small smile.

" I know exactly where this goes…." 

She slipped it into her garter, on the inside of her left thigh.

Jayne´s eyebrows jumped up as he stared at her.

" Get out of here Miss Tam, or you´ll be giving me ideas!"

River rolled her yes at him with a bemused expression on her face.

" Looking at my feet is usually sufficient to give you ideas, Jayne Cobb!"

Mal stood, looking over at them.

" Ready? Let´s do this!"


	42. Torrent

DISCLAIMER: All belongs to Joss and Fox …….I´m just taking them out for a walk

NOTES: THANKS AGAIN …for all the kind feedback. Gee this was rather long and how the hell did I arrive at chapter 42???????????? 

Gorrammit!!!!!! I also found I have to ask forgiveness for the apparent mistakes that occasionally escape my corrections …as I said in Chapter 1 …..I am not a native speaker. Sometimes I just miss things by accident…Sorry!!!

The Song " My mind is dangerous" belongs to " Life of Agony" I only changed one word.

TORRENT

To River and Kaylee´s relief, not one person turned their head in surprise or suspicion when they entered the main room of the brothel. A shiny, illuminated sign advertised " girls" under the place's name " The red ribbon". They had slipped in through a side door which Jayne had forced open for them.

The room was wide, filled with smoke, the smell of hard liqueur and probably more than just one unwashed body. All around them men were busy drinking, gambling, yelling at each other and laughing. There were too many girls scattered around the crammed room to overlook, even in their varying states of undress. Malcolm Reynolds had been right, nobody was going to notice another two working girls on the floor.

" Wow …..this is ….nice I guess. I mean it´s good ….isn't it?" Kaylee whispered huskily, trying to look like she belonged at the same time. A gigantic bear of a man in a shaggy fur coat leaned at the bar, just a few feet away, ogling at them.

Kaylee mustered up a not entirely delightful smile, winking at him. His smile grew wider, baring a row of blackened, rotting teeth. Kaylee felt her own  smile falter and turned to River with a suppressed shudder.

" How´re we ever gonna find Niska´s men in this mess?" she hissed.

The other girl creased up her nose, trying to lean as far away from the man who was passing them without raising suspicion.

" I guess we´ll just look for the guys who are clean and don´t reek." She really could not imagine Niska tolerating thugs who stank. It would not go with his style.

River looked around, scanning the room. Kaylee was right there were so many people.

" Let´s take a turn around the room, slowly …as though we were looking for …you know…"

" Customers, right." The pretty mechanic took a hold of River´s hand, moving to lead her through the crowd as they both tried to smile left and right without trying to encourage anyone. 

" How does she like it….the ..the thing?" River heard Kaylee ask under her breath while they scanned the crowd.

A mental image flashed through River´s mind. The other thing …looking like the Cheshire -cat again…. Rolling around on her back, in the middle of what looked like a flower patch, purring contently. If River had not known better, she would have sworn that the purr sounded almost like laughter.

" Oh …she´s having a field day with this!" She answered just as her eyes fixed on a man at  the roulette- table. The other thing turned back into the perfect replica of River, nodding very slowly. 

" There….." she whispered, leaning close to Kaylee in a playful manner the exact moment the man looked up. She snaked an arm around Kaylee´s waist, resting her head on the taller girls shoulder with a sultry smile.

Kaylee´s eyes wandered from River to the man´s face the minute it took her to understand what her friend was doing. Behind her back, River squeezed her hand.

" Hook ….Line …." River whispered to her so that only she could here. Kaylee bit her lower lip, still staring at the man.

 Fine ….if this was what it took to get this men into a room with only the two of them and Simon´s hydro- spray…..she could play along. She took a deep breath that made her chest rise and fall nicely under the tight black satin. She was not a child, even if the captain sometimes liked to treat her like one. The effect  her breathing deeply had had on Malcolm Reynolds and even Wash in addition to her outfit, had not gone unnoticed by her.

" ..and sinker." Kaylee added, watching him come towards them out of the corner of her eye, while she played with River´s hair.

Later River told herself over and over, that she should have known better. She should not have turned her back on him. They were in the small, dingy room…just the three of them,  it should have been so easy. But once Niska´s ruffian had realized that events would go the opposite way from what he had had in mind, he had tried to get his way no matter what. Mumbling something too obscene for River to mull over, he had backhanded her across the face.

The moment the impact of his strike threw her onto the bed, River could feel the other thing uncoiling inside of her like a deadly snake. She could taste blood on her lip, ears still ringing from the hit.

" I´m gonna teach you a lesson you little …" 

" Oh, no you don´t…" Kaylee rasped, fishing the hydro- spray out of her cleavage, but he was already coming towards her. For a split second River contemplated going for the gun……but they needed him alive! She let the other thing take over, jumping from the bed in one fluent motion and kicking him in the head. He yelped in surprise, giving Kaylee time to drench his face with  a generous amount of Simon´s spray. He dropped to the ground with a little thud right where he stood.

" Oh ..honey, are you ok?" 

" Fine ….he caught me by surprise." 

River wiped the blood from her lips, using the back of her hand while Kaylee gave his unconscious body a sound kick in the gut.

" What ? He sure deserved that!" She breathed deep, all the tension falling off of her.

" I can´t believe we really just did that!"

" You were great."

" Really? Oh, did you see the looks all those guys down there gave us? Like we were the last piece of chocolate-cake in the whole ´verse!"

River smiled at her friend, trying to suppress a shudder….

" We´re not done yet."

" Right, lemme signal the captain and Jayne…"

"Hello, lover …." River said with an ironic smirk as Jayne hauled his massive body through the open window and into the room. 

" You better ruddin´ stop that now!" he growled at her, looking over to Kaylee who was busy tying the thug´s hands behind his back.

Gorrammit , those girls had really worked fast!

 His eyes returned to River once he stood, narrowing slightly. He put one hand under her chin, inspecting the split lip.

" How´d that happen?" He asked her, his voice dangerously low.

" It´s nothing !"

" The hell it is!" he ground out, inspecting her face from every angle.

" He do that?"

" Not now….where´s the captain?"

" Outback, waiting for us to dump this guy out the gorram´ window."

" Now …see, here´s how it is, you´re in a bit of trouble here, my friend!"

Malcolm Reynolds said with a fake cheery tone of voice, leaning down to the man who was sitting strapped to a chair in Simon´s lab. Simon had injected him with just enough adrenaline to counter the effect of the sedative he had used for the hydro-spray. 

The man had jolted awake after a few minutes and was now eyeing the people standing around him suspiciously.

" I know who you are!" he spat out with a condescending smirk, staring at River and Kaylee for a moment, who had changed back into their usual clothing.

" Shiny …that makes things a whole lot easier for us." 

" You wanna know where we keep that whore until…."

The man´s head snapped back from the massive punch Mal threw at his face. He took it like a man, he´d give him that. On the other hand, Mal had seen some of Niska´s thugs up close before…probably the best money could buy.

" Just so we understand each other…" he hissed, bringing his face very close  while the other man moved his jaw carefully as if to assess if anything was broken. 

"You don´t get to call her that ….ever again."

Deep inside, the thought made Malcolm Reynolds cringe. He´d called her that too many times. Now that he´d heard it out of this man´s mouth……it made him feel angry. Certain people might be wealthy and distinguished enough to acquire Inara´s services…..but nobody could ever buy her. He knew that now, even if it had taken him some time to figure that out.

" Her name´s Inara." Kaylee said quietly. 

She had winced in surprise and horror at the sudden burst of violence. But the memory of looking at her captain´s  severed ear a few months back, reminding herself that Niska had done that, that this man had helped abduct Inara……made it easier to bear.

Niska´s thug spit the blood that was running from his lips onto the floor. Simon gave a disgusted sound.

" I´m not gonna tell you anything!" The man laughed, it sounded bitter and malignant.

" No matter what you do to me, if you have it in you……"

Mal lifted an eyebrow, giving the man an impatient glare.

" Oh …you´ll talk, in fact I wager you´ll sing like a little bird…." Serenity´s captain turned to Zoë, whose steady, neutral gaze had not wavered from their prisoner.

" Tell Wash to start the engine, I want us to take off the second we know where to go." 

His first officer nodded, leaving with one last look at the man.

Mal turned back to their captive with an unpleasant smile.

" What´s your name?"

" None of your gorram´ business!"

" He said his name was Henry." Kaylee provided softly, hugging herself as though she felt cold. " Least that´s what he told me and River."

" Henry? Now …I´m not gonna hurt you, Henry."  Mal said seriously, walking around the chair in close proximity.

" But him …." Mal pointed back over his shoulder with his thumb to where Jayne was leaning against the wall, cleaning his fingernails with his biggest knife. The mercenary's  facial expression was grim. 

" Him …now that´s a whole other story, Henry. See, it seems as though you split his girlfriend´s lip and he doesn´t take kindly to that." 

The man´s eyes flew to River whose face was now sporting a small violet bruise underneath a slightly swollen lower lip. 

" Captain, can I talk to you for a second?" Book interrupted gravely, motioning the captain to step out into the corridor.

"You think about that for a second with him watching you here, while I talk to our Shepard. Why don´t ya?" Clapping the man on the shoulder a few times, Mal walked past him to follow the preacher.

" We really don´t have time for this now, Shepard."

" I understand the gravity of our situation captain, but do you really want to resort to something as gruesome as torture?" 

Mal lifted an eyebrow. He´d been on the receiving end of torture before. He didn´t think he´d need a sermon about this particular subject now.

" Well …if you can´t make peace with your conscience on this one I suggest you retire to your bunk, ´cause right now we don´t seem to have too many options."

" There has to be another way, drugs maybe?"

" Doctor?" Mal turned towards Simon who was close by since the others had miraculously flocked around them.

"Sodium-penthanol?" River whispered to her brother but Simon shook his head. He had a lot of drugs at his disposal, most of them leftovers from treating his sister. The truth serum Ruver mentioned was not among them. 

" We don´t have any."

" Is there anything you could whip up for us in say the next five minutes?"

The young doctor thought about it for a second, then shook his head again.

" As much as I would love to forego the idea of torture, nothing I could provide would be  failsafe."  

" Well so much for that then!" Mal alleged with a severe expression on his handsome face. H

" You might not wanna be here for this lil´Kayle ….in fact I think you should both go now." He added with a look at River, his voice soft.

" I could …..try." she answered thoughtfully, her eyes drifting over to their hostage.

" What?" 

" If you don´t want to use force I …I guess I could try to scare it out of him. One´s imagination can be far more …dreadful than the event itself." River explained softly, trying to avoid her brother´s inquisitive stare.

" How´r you gonna ….."

" Not me …..her, she´s been bored. I think she´d like to come out and ..play….for a while."

" You think that might work?" Simon enquired carefully with a glance at the captain.

Mal looked at River, remembering the moment he had seen the thing looking out through her eyes for the first time.

" You have ten minutes, after that I´ll have Jayne give it a try."

River walked back into the lab, breathing deep. She could feel the others, their eyes boring into the back of her neck, the swirl of their emotions like  faint whispers in her mind. Concentrating on herself for a moment she blocked them all out. 

Jayne looked at her curiously, but didn´t say a word. He just watched her silently as she leaned down to their prisoner. He was a tall man, a little taller than Jayne even. She did not have to lean down very far to be on eyelevel with him.

" Tell me …." She said quietly, looking into his eyes.

" Tell me where Niska is, tell me where the ship is and we will not hurt you."

The man´s lips curled up into a malicious smile. He laughed under his breath.

" Is that a joke?" he asked with a malicious sneer.

" Nothing you lot can do to me could even compare to what Niska´d do to me if he found out I ratted him out!"

" I wasn´t talking about them." River whispered, motioning blindly to the corridor where the rest of the crew was standing.

" I was talking about me ….of what is inside of me."

I look in the mirror and guess what I see

A dark eyed spirit who seeks your everything

His eyes fixed on her again, a confused but amused look washing over his face.

" What could you do to me that could compare to Niska, ha? Lil´girl like you."

River smiled at him, a sweet, serene smile.

" Let me tell you a secret Henry…" she said, pulling a chair towards her. She sat down opposite to him, close enough for him to feel her breath on his cheek. He frowned in confusion.

" I am a really nice girl most of the time. A little peculiar maybe, but they´ll all tell you that I can be really sweet. I was brought up the right way, you know? Good teachers, the best schools promising the very best education and manners…..a lot of things came easy to me. I was gifted they said, but somewhere along the line things went wrong ….horribly wrong."

River slowly tilted her head to the side, closing her eyes as though she was listening to something only she could hear.

My mind is chaotic unless I choose to be free

Sometimes I just can´t help myself

Sometimes I just can´t help myself

She reached out with  a part of her mind, feeling the connection like a key gliding into a lock.

Inside her mind, the other thing suddenly materialized next to her, standing in the grey room.

Its cold, smooth fingers found her hand, interweaving with hers. It looked at her with those dark eyes and it´s usual detached expression.

" Go on, I´m here."

My mind is dangerous, that´s who I´ll always be

My mind is dangerous, that´s who I´ll always be

River opened her eyes again, looking at their prisoner. Up close she knew he could see the subtle change in her facial expression. She felt his puzzlement. If he could have, he would have tried to slide the chair backwards, away from her. 

He was not scared, not yet……but he didn´t like what was going on. She had caught him unaware.

" The government got a hold of me." she continued in her soft, even voice.

" Their scientists messed around with my head, my brain….they cut me open and did experiments on me. Now I´ve got this thing in my head, inside of me. They put it there. This thing is not like you or me or my captain or the man standing behind me, watching us."

She shook her head very slowly.

" This thing …she is not human. She has no conscience, no restraint, no morals and from time to time she gets bored …I have to let her put to play….."

River leaned forward until their faces were only inches apart, looking straight into his eyes she let it peer out through her eyes like a hungry tiger. She let its predator gaze seep into her eyes, let it fill her face.

Hideous devastation, lifeless serenity

My abstract emotions , somehow get the best of me 

Lord take away my sorrow, lord take away my pain

Erasing life tomorrow ain´t the motive to the game

She could her his strangled groan  as he was trying to stifle a surprised scream that was about to escape him. He gaped at her in uncomprehending horror.

River was not quite sure how she felt about that, but she had no time to ponder this question.

She had known what he would see, she had watched silently as the dread began to fill his expression now, like water being pored into a glass.

"That´s her …looking at you right now." River said quietly, not taking her eyes off him. She could hear his laboured breaths, feel him struggle for control. There was a part of him, a part desperately clinging to logic and reason telling him that  what he was seeing could not possibly be true. But there was sweat on his face know, the sneer was gone and it would not return.

"She doesn´t know pain or sorrow or compassion. If I let her out, she´ll do anything….anything to obtain the information we want from you. She won´t care if you beg, or cry …..she´ll just keep going until you break, no matter to what lengths she´ll have to go."

My mind is dangerous, that´s who I´ll always be

My mind is dangerous , that´s who I´ll always be.

 River leaned back very, very slowly, letting the thing´s gaze slowly seep from her eyes.

It was still watching, but she had carefully pushed it back a little.

"As I said before….." She smiled at him again.

" I am a really well behaved little girl, but this thing….she´s a real bitch. It´s your decision, really. So who would you rather deal with?"


	43. Lock and Key

DISCLAIMER: Don´t own nothing, folks.but you already knew that, so no news there.

NOTES: Still in middle of exams, but thanks for your patience and ..guys .I got a straight A for my first exams! Yay me!!!! Thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!! Will try to write more and update again. Thanks to all of you who still read this!!!

Uhh ..the lyrics are from Delta Goodrems beautiful song " Lost without you" 

Hope you still enjoy...

LOCK AND KEY

Inara looked up to the tiny window high up in the wall. Not even if she could manage to somehow climb up the steel-walls to that window, she'd never be able to break through, let alone squeeze herself through it. There was still a dull, pulsing pain in her jaw and cheekbone where they had struck here. She didn't need a mirror to know that one side of her face was discoloured even if the swelling had gone down. But she didn't care about that. I didn´t even come close to the dull ache in her heart, to the fear that seemed to hold her in an iron grip. 

She was beyond caring what happened to herself....she could not help but still fear the man Niska had contacted. The man she sacrificed everything for in order to escape his proximity, his attentions, his threats; House Madrassa, a bright future at the core, luxury, her friends ...she had given up everything and still it had not been enough. 

Now another kind of family was at stake, another kind of home .Serenity and her friends aboard the ship. It was her fault, her weakness, her past that had given Niska the key to their destruction. She knew River was right; there would be no talking to Malcolm Reynolds once he had decided to play the gallant hero once more, to save the damsel in distress. Even though he didn´t know the first thing about sword fighting...or ....manners or ...

Inara took an agonizing breath, leaning against the cold wall.

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes

I´ll say a little righteous and too proud

I just want to find a way to compromise

Because I believe that we can work things out.

No. ..you are the woman he loves ...River had said it with a voice as clear as fresh water. She had said it as though it were the most natural, obvious thing in the ´verse. 

 Mal ....That stubborn, offensive, horrible ..idiot that would never learn!  

Inara leaned her forehead against the cold wall. 

She could still hear his mocking voice after the incident with Saffron and her scheming ways that had almost killed them all..

You are a very graceful woman Inara.

She could still see his mocking smile the split second after she had thought that he´d seen through her ...that she had not stumbled and hit her head...

I knew you´d let her kiss you ..

But then again, some man did not recognize the facts even if they were biting them in the nose. 

" Mal ...you damn idiot!" she whispered to herself, closing her eyes. 

Maybe River was right...they were both too stubborn, to proud, too afraid to let there guard down long enough to admit their feelings. His scorn and disdain concerning her profession had hurt her, even if she would never admit it. It had not hurt to be called a whore...she´d been called worse things before and rose above it. Hers was an honourable profession, one that was held in high regard..she was a master of her art...

It had hurt because it was him, because he had wanted to insult her. It had hurt because he was the one man she cared about...so she had tried to insult him in turn; calling him a thief, a scoundrel, an amateur smuggler...reminding him of his not so successful business ventures.

 She had given as good as she got.

I thought I had all the answers

Never giving in

But since you´ve gone 

I admit that I was wrong

The sheer thought of him coming to her rescue was laughable. Niska had more men, more weapons...well, maybe not more weapons than Jayne.....

How on earth were they going to find her in that tiny little cell, in the heart of Niska´s vessel? It was suicide. Still ..they would come, as River had said they would. All she could do was pray that Mal´s determination would not get him killed. 

"Don´t you dare die on me, Malcolm Reynolds! Don´t you dare!"

She´d never forgive herself. She´d never forgive him.

All I know is I´m lost without you 

I´m not gonna lie

How am I gonna be strong without you

I need you by my side

If we ever say we´ll never be together in the end

And we ended with goodbye

Don´t know what I´do

I´m lost without you

" Well Henry ..that wasn´t so hard now, was it?" River whispered, leaning back in her chair with a devious smile. The man opposite to her let out a deep, shuddering breath. Pearls of sweat were running from his face, soaking his grey uniform. He shook his head, still staring at the girl in front of him, then up to the two grim faced men who were standing behind her chair to the side, seemingly flanking her.

" I´d say he sang just like a little bird..." Malcolm Reynolds said with a grim, but satisfied smile. 

" That he did!" Jayne growled, his hand coming to rest on River´s left shoulder but his eyes never left their prisoner.

" And we didn´t even have to hurt a hair on your head now, Henry..aren´t you glad?"

Henry shook his head, watching fixedly as the emptiness seeped way from River´s features. Something was changing he could see it but not understand it. Suddenly ..she was just a girl again. A pretty girl with pale skin, big dark eyes and dark hair.. hauntingly pretty in her very own way, but with no hint of the monster that had transfixed him with its feral stare just moments ago.

" What the hell are you?" He croaked in confusion.

In her own mind could feel the orange cat rubbing itself against her legs, purring with content.

If she did not know better, she´d think the other thing was enjoying itself.

She took a moment to smooth her hair behind her ears, then she got up from the chair.

" River." she simply said with a girlish smile. " I´m River."

She and Mal turned around, ready to walk away when an ear shattering crash rang through the lab. Everybody, including the people waiting in the corridor whirled around to see what had happened. Henry´s chair had fallen over backwards and Jayne was towering over the thug, rubbing his right hand with his left.

" What the hell you doin´ Jayne?" Mal yelled at him in irritation. "He  already talked!"

The tall mercenary shrugged at them with a wistful look on his face.

" Oh. hold your ruddin´ horses, will ya?" he growled impatiently.

" He´s just unconscious, didn´t kill him or anything ...can´t even take a decent beating, that guy,  takes the fun right out of it.."

" So .what do you think you´re doing then ?"

Jayne stared at them a moment, gesturing towards River after a beat.

" That gorram´ thug bruised her face, can´t let him get away with that, now can I?"

His eyes roamed over that pretty, pale face, fixing on the swelling and the purplish discoloration on her chin. He only wished that ruddin´ bastard hadn´t passed out after just one blow.

.

I keep trying to find my way 

But all I know is I´m lost without you

I keep trying to find my way

But all I know is that I´m lost without you

Mal lifted his eyebrows high enough to almost connect with his hairline

" Gee Jayne that ..almost sounded .."

" Aw. that´s so sweet!" Kaylee said from the corridor.

River tried to suppress a smile, failing miserably. 

" Thanks, but maybe I should have mentioned Kaylee kind of already kicked him in the gut for that when he was down .repeatedly."

Mal whirled around to look at the pretty mechanic who suddenly felt the need to study her shoes with a very intent look.

Jayne grinned at her with a new found look of respect.

" Ya´ did?"

" You did what?" Mal asked incredulously.

" Kaylee.." Book chimed in with a bewildered look.

 " Oh c´mon ..after what they did to River .and kidnapping Inara? He had it comin´!"

After another lingering look at Jayne River turned to her friend, moving over to her quickly. The two young women started whispering animatedly.

Mal turned, looking around at a loss for words. 

" Shiny .just shiny!" he muttered to himself. Of late the sight of his li´l´Kaylee and lil´River Tam putting their heads together was becoming a disquieting omen.

They did not have time for this! They needed to make a move on Niska now .before ...

Malcolm Reynolds took a deep breath. 

" What would you two be whispering about now?" 

A glance passed between the two girls. Mal could see that the young doctor was having pretty much the same thoughts he himself had pondered only moments ago. It was written plainly on his handsome face that the whole dynamic between the two girls was starting to irritate him too. 

River waited until they were all gathered in the corridor before she spoke, her eyes fixed on the captain.

 "Henry gave us the key to the kingdom and he doesn't even know it!"

"What?"

"The access panels .They all have the same code.."

" Oh my god, Cap´n.she's right!" Kaylee squealed with excitement.

"You think it's doable .."

"Well .theoretically sure .I mean, we'd have to access a panel that is connected to the main server and .."

"Could one of you nice lil´ girls maybe tell me what you're talking about?"

Mal interrupted their vivacious talking. Both girls turned to him, her brother and Jayne with wide eyes.

"The access- panels .." Kaylee answered as though that explained everything.

"Yes?" Book prompted.

"Well they all have the same code according to Henry .a simple nine digit code ."

"Yes, we were there for that Kaylee, now apart from havin´ this fancy code, what.."

Kaylee groaned at her captain, exchanging a quick look with River. It was so obvious to her, how could they not see it?

" Okay..usually there would be at least two access codes, maybe even three or four, the further you progress towards the central part of the ship. For some reason Niska did not deem it necessary to take this precaution .maybe because his ship is so very well armed and new and fancy. He obviously feels safe inside."

"Maybe he's not good with numbers." Jayne said simply. For a moment everybody stared at him. "Well . I'd like to see y´all trying to memorize three or four gorram´ nine digit codes just to get into your own ship!"

"Okay Kaylee. I can see why that is good for us, we can get in but we´ll still have to fight our way through.."

"Oh .we can do a lot more than just get in." River said with an evil smile.

"Actually captain,..we can pretty much shut his whole ship down.!"

Mal stared at them.

" How?"

"See..." Kaylee started. "These systems, the good ones anyway have a kind of failsafe backdoor. You know in case one or more access panels are damaged or break down ..you'd be locked out of or inside your own ship, right?"

Mal nodded listening to his mechanics explanations with an expression of growing wonder on his face.

" Now, having such a fancy ship you´d not want that! So ..just in case, these panels are also connected to the ship's computer...so that the computer can override the system in case of emergency and opens the doors."

Jayne shook his head, brows knitting together.

"I still don´t get it.."

" It´s not a one way street." River clarified. "If the panels are connected to the computer it´s possible to access the computer using one of the panels as a terminal. With a little creative engineering we could log into their ship´s system and control it."

"You can do that?"

Kaylee shrugged with grin.

"I think I can..."

"It could be a trap." Simon told them carefully, a feeling of discomfort creeping up his back. "Or Henry could have lied..."

"He didn't .I'd know." River answered simply.

"As for the trap ..maybe, but it´s worth a try, isn´t it? If we could control the system we could lock at least some of Niska´s men in their quarters , we would know where they are.."

" What would you need?"

Malcolm Reynolds watched his first officer´s  retreating back as Zoë disappeared  into the corridor leading towards the cockpit. There was no going back now. He´d given her the coordinates of Niska´s little hideaway in a canyon not too far away. In a matter of seconds they´d be airborne, in a matter of minutes they´d be seeing the ship. There could be no mistakes now.

He could feel the familiar weight pressing down on his chest, the weight he had carried with him all through the war. They were all following him into this ..just like his soldiers had followed him...some of them to their death. There could be no miscalculations, no mistakes ...he could not loose one of them. There was too much at stake .and yet, he couldn´t stop either. He couldn´t just leave her ..he couldn´t . This was his fault, all of it. It had been his contempt, his insolence for her and her profession that had driven her away .even when she was reaching out to him, he had hidden behind his wall of jokes, hurtful remarks. 

He had closed himself off from pretty much everybody, not just her .but she had felt it the most. It had just been so long since he had allowed himself to feel .something, anything .... that he hardly knew how to start anymore.

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues ?

Baby I´m so lonely all the time

Everywhere I go I get so confused

You´re the only thing that´s on my mind

He had been thinking about her too often. In his mind that had made him weak. The war had taken too many things from him, not just the people he had lost; Comrades, Soldiers, Friends ...it had also taken his faith and the ability to open up. If you didn´t open to people things could not hurt you. And then there she was..a beauty beyond compare with the grace of a dancer, but also with a warm heart and a fiery spirit. Someone who bantered with him, who did not give in...

She wasn´t just beautiful to look at, her beauty was not skin deep and yet there was a sadness about her that he could relate too. He had been drawn to her ever since she came aboard with her colourful clothes and pillows, her courtesan ways and her soft, cultured voice. He had never seen her as a whore, he knew that was not what Inara was about ..and yet he had went on and one ..he knew that it had hurt her. He could see the hurt crossing her face for just a split second before the mask of the trained companion was back in place, like storm clouds chasing over a dark sky.

It wasn´t her profession he despised, it was the thought of her giving herself to other men ..albeit at her condition.but that was something he could not overlook. The thought of sharing her with anyone was .just ..so he had never made a move. So they had fought and fought and now ...he could loose her. But she wasn´t his...

Could you loose something you never even had?

My bed is so cold at night 

I miss you more each day

Only you can make it right

I´m not too proud to say

All I know is I´m lost without you 

I´m not gonna lie

How am I gonna be strong without you 

I need you by my side

He closed his eyes.

" Is this the face that launched a thousand ships 

and burned the topless towers of Illyum?

Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss."

It was Rivers soft voice reciting the long forgotten verse. Mal opened his eyes to find her standing next to him.

" You were thinking of her.." She said very softly, her face as neutral as she could manage, but there was a small, hidden smile on her lips.

" When I was ...out of my mind..and had no control over the things I could do, I received images, sometimes..feelings, thoughts ..mere glimpses of the things that moved or preoccupied the people around me. With you it was always this ...the Marlowe verse and Inara´s ..face." She was speaking very hesitantly, obviously not quite at ease with the fact that she was intruding into his private thoughts.

Mal wasn't sure what to say. He simply stared at the strange, pretty girl next to him and the never ending wonder Simon Tam´s sister had turned out to be.

And again his respect for the grumpy mercenary rose up a notch. She had pried Jayne Cobb´s shell open like an oyster to find a pearl inside..those clear, dark eyes saw everything. A frightening thought none the less. 

" She loves you too.." River told him, her voice barely above a whisper. Then she turned to walk away as Mal could feel upwards jerk of Serenity soaring into the air.

If we ever say we´ll never be together and we ended with goodbye

I don´t know what I´d do

I´m lost without you

HAAAA..evil cliffhANGER FAIRY AT WORK AGAIN.sorry but it´s kinda 2 o´clock in the morning and I need some sleep! More soon .I promise!!!! Please bear with me!!!


	44. HUNTER

Disclaimer : …Right …I don´t own nothing …..same old, same old …

NOTES: Thanks to all you guys who still read on!!! Your opinion means a lot to me!!!!!! Thanks also to ND ROSE…I will trya to update faster ….but I still got sooo much work for my Exams …sniff!!! There might be more spelling mistakes ..if so I´m sorry I just wanted this up. And again I´m not a native speaker, so please don´t be too annoyed and bear with me, please!!! The quotes are from the Song " Wish"  from the movie " Run Lola Run "(  I did my best to translate) by Thomas D. and Franka Potente….the second part will be in the next chapter which will be up ( I PROMISE) in a week!!!!

Now ..on to the rescue……

HUNTER

River went on bended knee, fastening a black leather sheath inside her boot. The sheath contained a slim clean blade. She stood, moving her foot up and down to make sure that the knife didn´t impede her movements. 

" Now once you girls are done the computer stuff I want you to go back to Serenity. Is that understood?"

" But captain….." Kaylee interrupted. Mal silenced her with a grim look.

" There will be no discussion about that, you hear me lil` Kaylee? Even if you manage to lock most of Niska´s men in their quarters, the rest of them will put up a good fight . I don´t want you in the thick of it."

" I want to help!"

" And you do …by rigging that computer-system for us! There´s gonna be a fair amount of shooting and we never really taught you how to shoot a gun straight. This is no target practice, Kaylee…..this is shooting to kill, cause if you don´t , you´re the one bein´shot! It helps me more to know that you´re in a safe place!"

Kaylee blushed, remembering the last time she had held a gun. A sudden jerk made them all stumble. 

" Damn it Wash, hold her steady!" Jayne yelled via the intercom. They were flying very low above the ground, almost grazing the hardened desert ground, in order to stay off Niska´s radar.

River arched her eyebrows at Mal. 

" I can shoot." She stated simply.

" Oh, I know that, but I need you to stay with Kaylee and make sure she gets back to Serenity without some thug jumping her."

" You might need me …..there." River said seriously. Malcolm Reynolds looked down at her. Simon´s sister had pulled her dark hair back from her face, braided it till hung almost down to her waist. She looked a little older this way, he realised. Not much …but she didn´t look the little girl anymore. She still looked young and delicate, but it wouldn´t fool him anymore. River Tam had an iron will and that thing inside her was a force to be reckoned with.

" If we do …I´ll let you know."

I wish I was a hunter in search of different food

I wish I was the animal that fits into that mood

I wish I was a person with unlimited breath

I wish I was a heartbeat that never came to rest

"Do you want me to come?" All heads turned towards Simon who was standing in the doorway in an awkward stance, looking at them.

" I think we might need you here doctor. There´s a fair chance that one of us could get hurt so I need you to be ready and prepared for anything …."

Simon nodded, his face betraying nothing. Still, River knew her brother and she could feel his relief washing over her like cool, soothing water. Her brother was not a coward, River knew that too, but he was a doctor. He had sworn an oath to protect and save life …not destroy it. Ohh ….there were circumstances that would make her brother oversee those principles. Somehow River hoped that those circumstances would never come to pass. As long as she could remember Simon had tried to protect her, to take care of her. Now she was going to protect him from this …..

Come to me

Come to me

Come back to me

" Almost there….." Jayne told them as he came swaggering down the corridor. He had Vera strapped across his back, two guns in a shoulder holster and two more in a holster at his waist. An additional gun was tugged into the waistband of his pants.

" I´ll go check on  the Shepard!" Mal said nodding towards Kaylee, giving her a small smile.

" You ready?" Jayne growled at River who walked over to him, leaving Kaylee and Simon standing at the other end of the dining area.

" Just about …."

I wish I was a stranger who understands the sky

I wish I was a star ship in silence flying by

I wish I was a princess with armies at her hand 

I wish I was a ruler who´d make them understand 

Jayne cocked his head to the side, watching her coming towards him until she stood close enough for them too touch. She had looked calm and ready just seconds ago, but with every step she came closer to him, her conviction seemed to falter. Jayne took a quick look at Simon and Kaylee before his eyes wandered back to her and he understood. She was putting up a brave face as not to rattle Kaylee and her brother……but there was something worrying her.

"You alright?" he asked , his voice low and raspy.

"Got a bad feelin´  ´bout this, sparrow?"

River shook her head." No …..that´s not it." She put her hands on his chest, one finger tracing the scar underneath the fabric of his shirt. There was no premonition, no bad feeling …..in fact the other thing was anticipating the things to come. 

" I just want you to be careful, ok? Don´t you dare getting shot or something like that!"

Jayne looked down at her, chuckling.

"Gorramit……Darlin´. Once in a lifetime Mal doesn´t care how many  ruddin´ people I shoot  or hurt as long as they answer to Niska….lemme enjoy that while it lasts! You take care of yourself and Kaylee and don´t worry about me."

River breathed deep, stepping in to him. She leaned her forehead against his chest. 

" It´s fine, gorrammit!" he growled, his arms closing around her slender frame.

" Now gimme a  kiss  Miss Tam …before we go out to give Niska the scare of his ruddin´ lifetime!" 

We defy the bounds of possibility

When we met it was like an explosion

And I swear I can still feel the tremors

I know that you are  rushing back to me, but you´re only near and here

Once you´re in my arms

I hit the ground if you don´t fly with me

His arms around her waist lifted her clean of her feet, a muffled sound escaped his throat when he felt River´s lips parting underneath his. River slung her arms around his neck returning his kiss with passion. The thought of her brother and Kaylee watching them crossed her mind for a fleeting second before it was swept away by the feeling of his warm, muscled body pressed to hers.

Jayne lowered her to the ground until her feet connected with the floor again, but River didn´t break the kiss. She let one of her hands move down his arm while the other snaked its way between their bodies to retrieve the gun he had tugged into his waistband. Then she stepped back, gasping for breath, meeting Jayne´s gaze.

" I´ll take that…." She whispered to him playfully, holding up the gun.

Jayne gave her an almost feral grin, resisting the urge to give her behind a little slap. Those gorram´ leather trousers would be his undoing one of those days…..

" Now go and shoot some bad guys." River told him with a secretive smile, her voice lowering until it was nothing more than a husky breath.

" We´ll finish this when you´re back!"

" Can´t wait Miss Tam!" 

Oh, please run, run

Don´t give up

I´ve missed you so much

Demons are gnawing at my soul every time we´re apart

I´ll do what you ask, don´t be scared

I won´t leave you behind

The world is ours, we can be anything

But it´s all up to you

Simon blinked at the scene, flustered he shook his head.

" It´s not so much the thought that the alliance put one of their half thought through experiments in my sisters brain….." he said slowly, turning to Kaylee.

" …..that first drove her insane and has now teamed up with her in some kind of unholy coalition, for a cool, dry place somewhere in the depths over River´s mind."

Kaylee looked at the doctor with a frown. She was not quite sure what Simon was rambling about.

" No …...it's not really that. I think I´ am making every effort to deal with that. But once she´s …..some kind of sane, that weapon crazed cutthroat with no manners or morals to speak of turns my little sister into a wanton gunslinger!"

Kaylee rolled her eyes, but couldn´t resist to give Simon a smile.

" Aw…C´mon Simon, you shouldn´t give Jayne too much credit." She told him with an affection nudge of her elbow.

" Sure , the alliance is to blame for some of the mess, but River managed to turn herself into Jayne´s girlfriend all by herself."

He gave her an ironic look.

" Is that supposed to comfort me?"

" She should be comin´up right around the next bend!"

Wash said , looking back over his shoulder at Malcolm Reynolds. Next to him, his wife was checking the ammunition of her guns.

" Will you look at that?" 

Niska´s ship was about twice Serenity´s size, gleaming in the fading light of the canyon like a sleek, silver stingray. 

" They onto us?" Jayne asked as he entered the cockpit, following his crewmates ´gazes out the window.

Wash shook his head with a malignant grin.

" As far as I can tell their scanners haven´t detected us yet, we managed to stay off their radar flying so very  low……"

" So the gorram´ rocky ride paid off, ha?"

" I´ll have you know that this ride was smooth all the way due to my superior abilities as a pilot!" Wash returned in a slightly miffed tone of voice. 

" So what now…..we land right in front of them? They may have not seen us coming so far, but they´ll pick up our signal any second now, Sir!" Zoe said with a questioning   look at her captain. Mal cocked one eyebrow, pondering the shape of Niska´s  vessel with a wicked smirk.

" No……they might anticipate us doing that."

" Kaylee….." he yelled over the intercom.

" Yes, Captain." Came the prompt reply.

" You see that thing?"

" Pretty ..isn´t it?" There was a definite note of excitement in her voice. Mal knew it wasn´t so much the sight of the state of the art spaceship. It was the excitement of someone who knew that in just a few minutes, she´d be the one to take down it´s computer system all by herself……" 

" What you think about stability, the hull? How much can she take?"

" Weight or impact?"

" Weight?"

There was a giggle on the other end of the line, then whispering as though she was discussing things with someone else.

" I don´t need  you to estimate the exact …."

" She can hold us! Actually she could sustain twice that much …rule of thumb…." Kaylee interrupted him. " That´s what you wanna know, right? "

" Smart girl!"  Malcolm Reynolds turned back to his pilot.

" Wash ….I want you to set us down right on top of Niska´s shiny new toy…..That´ll give him a nice, good scare. And they won´t be able to fire the ship´s weapons at Serenity!" 

" Oh ……I think I´ll enjoy this rescue mission!" Wash returned, wiggling his eyebrows.

" Let´s put some scratches on the nice paint-job, shall we?"

I wish I was a writer to see what´s yet unseen

I wish I was a prayer expressing what I mean

I wish I was a forest of trees that would hide

I wish I was a clearing of secrets left inside

There was a deafening, booming impact, followed by the screeching sound of metal scraping over metal. Inara felt the floor of her cell shake and shudder. She leaned against the wall, one hand pressed to her chest. It took her a moment to understand that the tremors that had run through the ship just seconds ago did not come from an earthquake. The noise had come from above. Inara looked up to the ceiling, trying to draw a steadying breath.

" Mal……" she whispered.

Come to me

Return to me

In another part of the ship, Niska looked up from the book he had been reading only moments ago. Now it lay on the ground, his dinner scattered over the table from the impact of something atop his vessel.

" You never give up, Mr. Reynolds …..do you?" Niska hissed.

Then he pushed a button next to his comfortable armchair, activating the intercom.

" What the hell is going on Stavros?"

" I can´t say yet, Sir ..it seems as though our security system has been breached."

" What are you talking about?"

" There is a ship …it seems to have landed on the back of our vessel……"

" Yes ……I figured as much."

" And now there is …..there are intruders on the first deck."

" How is that possible? You can not enter the ship without the access code……"

Niska hesitated, closing his eyes and breathing deep to control his fury. It didn´t take a genius to figure out that Malcolm Reynolds had somehow acquired the access code.

" Stavros ….I want every man on this ship armed and ready now! I will not have a band of amateur smugglers and thieves overrun this ship……you hear me?"

" Yes , Sir ……I will ….." There was a disturbance noise, just before the lights in Niska´s cabin went out.

" Sir ….."

" What is going on?" Niska asked impatiently.

" Sir …I think …..we ….we might have….."

" What?"

" We just lost the main computer….."

" What do you mean, you lost it?"

" There seems to be a glitch in the system,  I …..I really can´t say. It doesn´t work …I mean, it works but …..it seems as though they somehow managed to infiltrate into our system…."

" If you want something done, you have to do it yourself! I seem to be surrounded by incompetent idiots! Get your guns and meet me outside our guest´s room."

" Now ..that was fun!" Kaylee said with a very satisfied look, crossing her arms as she leaned against the wall.

" They´re all tugged in nice, snug like a lot of armed to the teeth bugs in a rug. Can´t get out if they wanted too."

River raised one eyebrow at the banging noises that came from a closed hatch- door down the corridor. 

" Oh ..I think they want to."

" Aw ….now that´s just too bad!"

" Kaylee …you hear me?" The old walky-talky gave Kaylee a little scare as it jumped to live under much crackling noise. 

"We´re here captain ….."

" Anything on where they keep Inara in the computer?"

" The ship has three holding cells in a corridor two decks below you, close to the engine room. There should be a narrow emergency stairway to the right behind the second bulkhead from your current position."

" Good Work, now get back to Serenity …now!"

" You sure about this preacher?" Mal asked, firing two shots at one of Niska´s men who had managed to escape their quarters just before Kaylee had seized control of the ship´s computer. 

The sharp noise of a gun being cocked made him turn around.

" As I told your first officer just before we went out to rescue you from Niska, the bible does not condone killing your enemies…….but the fact that it´s somewhat fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps hasn´t changed since then!"

" Glad to hear!" 

Mal looked back over his shoulder again, to where Jayne, Zoë and Wash were all huddled in an alcove.

"Now ….once we´re done with this clown shooting at us…."He fired three shots at the man, shooting at him from behind a corner. " secure the stairway…..I´ll get Inara and then let´s just get out of here as fast as possible, before Niska and his crew got time to regroup, understood?"

" Can we get to it already?" Jayne growled over Zoë's shoulder.

" You got what the captain said?" The woman asked simply.

" Sure ..I ain´t deaf yet!"

" Shiny ….let´s do this then!"

It was the faintest sound. River was following Kaylee, covering her back while they retreated back to Serenity. The burly man seemed to just fall from the ceiling, caught her completely by surprise.  Kaylee gave a startled yelp, swirling around to her friend.

" Drop the gun girl …..now drop it!" One arm was thrown tight around her abdomen, holding her to his chest with painful intensity, the other held the gun. The barrel dug into the soft skin of River´s neck while her eyes rolled upwards to find out where he had come from. Right above their heads was the exit of the ship´s ventilation system……big enough for a man to squeeze through.

" Stay right where you are now dollface!" he yelled at the pretty mechanic.

 Kaylee followed River´s gaze breathlessly.

" We missed something…" She whispered in horror.

"Drop the gun!" The man repeated impatiently, pushing the barrel into River´s neck even more forcefully. River gasped, letting her gun slide from her hand to the floor. Kaylee stepped back, her back to the wall. Her eyes widened in fear.

River couldn´t see the man´s face but she could tell that he was smiling.

" `Atta girl …..and how pretty you both are…….don´t know what the hell you are doing here, but Niska hates it when things don´t go according to his plan." The hand that didn´t hold the gun to her neck started to travel upwards to River´s throat in a languorous caress.

" Don´t much like what he´ll do to both of ya´…..pretty girls like you."

She bit her lip, closing her eyes in an effort to calm her racing thoughts. She felt a soothing tranquillity come over her. The Ship, her surroundings disappeared around her, melting away until all was grey. She opened her eyes, still dimly aware of her enemies travelling hand grazing her jaw-line. She was standing in front of the mirror, her replica looking back at her with the same detached but somewhat curious look that had became inherent to her.

" This man is touching you ….should he do that?" Her mirror image asked.

" No…." River ground out angrily.

" But you let the other one touch you like this …..the warrior."

" That is different!"

It nodded, blinking at her like a confused bird.

" Yes …I thought it might be."

River stretched out her arm, her fingertips moving over the surface of the mirror. It felt cool, liquid and there were little torrents where her finger´s had disquieted the surface.

" You want to go out and play now?" River asked, still holding out her hand.

A sharp intake of breath from her captor brought River back from inside her mind. He was smelling her hair …..

" Kaylee ……" River whispered, eyes fixing on her friend. " I need you to not be scared now …whatever happens. The other girl looked back at her, holding her gaze for a moment and nodded.

River nodded back, closing her yes again. " Enough …" She whispered seconds before she let go, threw open the doors to let the other thing roll through her like a cold, icy wave. She could feel it taking over, feel them connect  and to her it was like sliding her hand into a perfectly fitted, smooth glove.

River lifted her leg, bringing her heel down on the man´s foot, the unexpected pain made him jerk and loosen his hold on her just a little. It was enough. In one fluent motion she elbowed him in the chest, slipping from his grasp. 

" You little ….." She ducked from his punch, falling to one knee to extract the hidden knife. Before he could move to grab her, River had already shoved the blade in between two ribs, right through his heart. He stared at her in utter amazement, then crumbled to the ground with a rasp.

" Are you okay?" It was still River´s voice, Kaylee understood that, but there was a steely undercurrent that was not her ……..it was the other thing. Kaylee could see it looking at her through River´s eyes. 

" Yes… ..I´m okay!"

River picked up the gun, stepping over the dead body as though it wasn´t even there.

" Take it …." She told Kaylee, holding it out to her. The mechanic took the gun hesitantly, swallowing hard. Mal had been right. She was a good mechanic ….the best and no one could take that from her. She had brought down Niska´s ship ….but she was no good in a fight. Right there she decided she didn´t really mind …she didn´t really want to be.

 " Can you get back to serenity on your own?" Kaylee looked along the corridor. It wasn´t far now ….. River followed her gaze, tilting her head to the side like a bird. 

" There is no one hiding there ……it is safe for you." Kaylee nodded, watching the person that was River and yet  was not quite her.

" What are you gonna do?" she asked gingerly. The other girl smiled at her, the smile of a cunning predator that had smelled blood. She looked up at the ventilation exit.

" I need to take care of something."


	45. Abide

    DISCLAIMER : All belongs to Joss the genius…….( GO SHOOT THE DAMN MOVIE ALREADY!!!! Can´t believe I´ll have to wait A YEAR!!!!!)

Notes: As always THANKS to all you lovely, wonderful, kind people who read and review and make me blush. It makes me so proud that you like reading this as much as I love writing it…even if I let you wait. I grovel at your feet!!!! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!! 

ABIDE

Later Malcolm Reynolds told himself again and again that he should have known better. The gun shots of Zoë and Jayne holding the stairway still rang in his ears as he carefully moved along the empty corridor. Before he could even stretch out his hand towards the panel next to the holding cell's access panel, the door slid back without a sound revealing Inara´s beautiful but terrified face and the slightly smaller man behind her, training his gun on him. The impact of the bullet biting into the flesh of his upper arm sent Mal stumbling backwards, against the wall. He cursed under his breath, reprimanding himself for being so stupid. Still, not even the sharp pain that began pulsing down his arm into his hand would make him drop the gun.

" Mal…" Inara gasped.

" Mr. Reynolds ….." Niska snarled, smiling angrily as he pushed the companion out the door and into the corridor, careful to keep his body behind his hostage. Mal´s eyes followed each of his moves, until they swivelled back towards the door. A tall man even bulkier than Jayne emerged to follow Niska, his face grim, gun trained on Serenity´s captain.

" I must admit, Mr. Reynolds that I am becoming very tired of you complicating my business ventures!" Niska said slowly, one hand balled to a fist in Inara´s hair.

" Might be a good time to retire then, with the stress getting to you and all…." Mal quipped, his eyebrows raised. As unobtrusive as possible he tried to move his hand to see how fast he would be able to lift it to shoot if push came to shove. He already knew that he couldn´t fire at Niska, the risk of hurting Inara was too big by far. He´d gamble his own life, but not hers.

" Something tells me that once I get rid of your people and you ….the stress will be gone too, Mr. Reynolds." Niska told him dismissively in his heavy accented, cultured voice. His eyes followed Mal´s gaze to the giant man to his left.

"May I introduce Stavros to you Mr. Reynolds…..he is …how would you say? My new …muscle? After your crew diminished the number of my men during our last encounter I had to ….find associates better capable of protecting my interests."

Mal lifted one eyebrow, his eyes never leaving Stavros heavy frame, but his words were directed at Niska.

" Seems to me you didn´t have much luck with the new thugs either. After all we caught up with you just fine. Mind you ….talent is a rare thing to find these days!"

Niska pressed his lips together.

" If I were you Mr. Reynolds I´d mind my manners……after all I still have in my possession what you came here for." He turned his hand, pulling Inara´s head back by her hair, exposing her throat. The move elicited a suppressed yelp from her and the attempt to claw at his hand as he pressed the barrel of his  gun to her temple. She could see Mal tense up and threw him a beseeching look. 

" Mal …..Don´t….."

"Yes ….listen to the lady, Mr. Reynolds. After all we don´t want things to go out of hand."

" You know…." Mal returned with a lingering gaze at Inara, still trying to keep an eye on Stavros whose gun was still firmly pointed at his chest.

" Not two hours ago I watched one of my men knock out one of your ….associates. And  I´m pretty sure that once he wakes up he´ll not only sport one hell of a headache  but he´ll also be missin´ some teeth…..simply because he split a girl´s lip. Now …what do you think I´ll do to you for kidnapping one of mine with the intention to sell her off to some creep like a piece of cattle?" 

Inara swallowed hard, staring at the things unfolding in front of her. She hated every second of it….but there was nothing she could do…..all she could do was try to convey to Mal to be cautious…….all she could do was look at him, willing him to understand.

" I expect you´ll do nothing Mr. Reynolds …..you might have taken my ship by some stroke of luck, you might have bested those overpaid imbeciles I was forced to hire, but I still hold all the cards it seems. Now if you will be so good as to call off your friends and tell them to leave my ship this instant ….and I will satisfy myself with killing only you!"

" Why would I wanna do that if you´re gonna shoot me anyway? You don´t think I´ll believe for a second that you´re prepared to kill her, your only bargaining chip?"

" No, I would not think for one minute to underestimate your intelligence, Mr. Reynolds. You are right …although she might be nothing to me, someone is willing to pay a great amount for her. Dead she is completely worthless to me ….."  He hesitated a moment as though he was grasping for words, before smiling broadly at Malcolm Reynolds.

"Ahhh , but she is obviously …..precious to you. Now …we both know that too much ….physical violence might spoil the merchandise. You´ve been in my tender care, Mr. Reynolds …..you know that I can be very creative. I have ways of causing pain that will leave no marks on her prefect skin……"

He trailed his fingers along Inara´s cheek which made her turn her face.

 "Get your hands of me you disgusting bastard."

Niska laughed, wiggling his finger in front of her face. " Now, now ….what filthy words from a professional companion of highest esteem." Inara rolled her eyes at him, her lips forming an angry line. 

" Did you find her yet? We´d better get goin´ Mal……" Jayne´s voice could be heard echoing through Niska´s vessel as he yelled down the stairway.

" If you would be so good now …as to drop your gun, Mr. Reynolds …..I will not ask again!"

It was that instant that Malcolm Reynolds saw something moving in the darkness behind Niska. Inara´s body still obstructed a fair amount of Mal´s view, but he was quite sure that …….something……. was letting itself down from on opening in the ceiling in a fluent, flowing motion that reminded Mal of the movement of a very big snake. Neither Niska nor Stavros were in a position to see the movement and they had both obviously not heard anything, which was likely due to the shooting that still seemed to go on upstairs.

Mal blinked, looking down his arm to make sure that it wasn´t the blood loss that made him delusional, but even though the cloth of his shirt was slowly soaking with the blood pouring from his shoulder wound ……it was´t enough to make him see things.

There in the darkness ….something was crouching, moving with a  fluid, soundless motion to lift its head. The smallish figure stood, approaching very slowly in the dim lighting of the corridor……moving ever so carefully until Mal could make out her features.

 " That´s not River…." A small voice inside him whispered. And that moment, when Malcolm Reynolds met those dark eyes, a part of him hoped never to see those eyes directing their empty predator stare on him. The other thing had taken over and Mal was sure hoping that River was really holding the reigns, as she had said.

" Know what? " Mal said, eyes moving back to Niska.

" I sure have a few people on my crew who don´t always follow orders……but sometimes that´s a good thing……otherwise I wouldn´t have her standing behind you know."

Before Niska or his flunky could react, River´s eerily calm voice floated through the corridor.

" I have a knife pointed at your back. If you don´t let her go I will force it upwards between those two ribs….." Her fingers touched Niska back at the exact location as though to emphasize her statement. " At the right angle it will pierce your heart, blood  will fill it up and you will die." 

" River …." Inara whispered, staring at Mal while Stavros was obviously still trying to determine who to point his gun at.

" It´s not River….." Mal said, nodding slowly to make sure Inara understood.

" You are full of surprises Mr. Reynolds……but tell your young friend that if she does not drop the knife this instant, Stavros will shoot you…….".Niska said cautiously.

" Don´t make no difference to her.  You´d know if you could see her eyes. She´s not like you and me, government creeps messed her up nice and good. See …..here´s what you don´t get….I may be here to get one of mine back, but  she´s here for the hell of it. She´s here for the kill."

" I would not jest with your life if I were you Mr. Reynolds."

" I think we both know that I´m not the jestin´ kind, Niska."

" It´s true …." Inara suddenly said. " He´s telling the truth…the government did something to that poor girl…it made her crazy."

" Your death means nothing to me…." River said in a voice so detached that it brought a chill to the companion's skin. 

" It is really very simple…..you do as I instruct and I will not kill you this instant. They die …you die. I don´t even understand the concept of jesting……I comprehend the purpose, that is all."

After a moment´s consideration Niska slowly drew back his hand from Inara´s hair but  Mal saw the miniscule movement he made to signal Stavros. As Niska stepped aside the mercenary swung around to fire at River….or the thing that was currently under control. Mal was faster, in the split second it took the other man to take aim Mal fired three bullets into the man´s chest, yelling at Inara to take cover.

" You´re hurt!" The companion yelled over the sound of gunshots, covering her head with her arms.

" So glad you noticed!" Mal told her as he watched Stavros collapse backwards into Inara´s now empty cell. Another blunt sound made him turn around, despite of his injury his gun was steadily aimed at the spot where Niska had stood. Only that he wasn´t standing as much as lying on the ground with the other thing crouched above him, almost sitting on his chest like some creature from a nightmare ready to draw the life right out of him.

" River! River!" Mal yelled harshly, moving forwards, just as Inara stumbled towards him.

 He threw his good arm around her shoulders, pulling her against him without a word.

" River…." He could hear Niska´s wheezing, strained breaths.

" River ….." Inara repeated loudly. Incredibly slow the girl lifted her head, turning around to look at them.

"She promised……She promised the other girl …..She promised Kaylee that he would pay."

It said with River´s voice that sounded so hollow when it was used by it.

" Kaylee would not want that…." Inara said, still obviously shaken, still leaning against Mal.

 The thing seemed to consider the companion´s words for a moment, then it cocked its head to the side in a very inhuman movement.

" He knows……what happened. He could tell the alliance, about what happened …about me ….about little sister. He knows too much. He is a risk."

" River wouldn´t want you killing somebody in cold blood like this…with your bare hands at that. It´s not in her nature." Mal told her firmly.

" He is an evil man. His death is nothing to me …..killing him means nothing, but it will protect you and her. I´m in her mind……I need to protect her."

" It´ll still be her hands that´ll have done the killing, won't that do harm to her? We do not kill unarmed men. We are better than that….most of the time. River sure is better than that."

" The human mind is a frail thing. " It said finally and stood up in a graceful, fluent motion.

For a moment, Mal wasn´t sure if he had gotten through to her, but then he could almost see the emptiness in her eyes recede and River´s personality bleeding back into her features. She breathed deep and Mal let out a breath he hadn´t been aware of holding.

River looked at him, stepping over Niska towards Mal and Inara as though she hadn´t just been crouching over his chest. She picked up the knife that lay discarded on the floor with a look of wonderment. 

" You okay?" Mal asked her with a questioning stare. River nodded, frowning.

" I would have let her do it ……She was right, I promised Kaylee. I couldn´t do it ….but the other thing could."

" I´m sure Kayle ´s gonna understand."

" Doesn´t change that she´s partly right …..we cannot just leave him here. He knows everything….."

There was an almost inaudible click to be heard, then Jayne´s booming voice coming from the stairway.

" Get down….now." All three of them hit the floor mere seconds before Vera´s firepower filled the narrow corridor with thunderous sound. River swore she could feel the heat of the bullets grazing the top of her heat as they zoomed over them before hitting their target.

" Gorrammit Mal! Thought you´d take better care of my girl!" He yelled as he descended the last steps, from where had  the perfect position to oversee the events in the corridor.

They got up, looking over to where Niska´s body lay, sporting four massive bullet holes in his chest and abdomen, a small silver gun still in his hand.

Inara stared at the mercenary moving towards them. In her wildest dreams the companion had never thought that she´d ever be this happy to see Jayne Cobb.

" Must have had that tiny thing stashed somewhere in that fancy vest….." Mal said in an almost amazed tone of voice, his good arm still clasped firmly around Inara.

" Nah……ruddin´ ankle- holster if you askin´me!"

" Well …least we don´t have to worry ´ bout him spillin´ the beans to the alliance anymore!"

" Whatcha talking ´about?" Jayne asked him with a baffled look.

" Ohhh….. nothing and it sure as hell ain´t murder since he was trying to shoot us first. Now, if you don´t mind me saying ……let´s get out of here, before I bleed out in Niska´s fancy ship."

Yeah,  I know …this is NOT the conclusion ……..there is going be fluffy stuff in the next chapter so that we can all have some closure. HAR HAR HAR! But it´s midnight and I hav e to sleep now ….


	46. Beholden

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing …..not the ship , not the crew …..but I´d sure love to!!

NOTES: OK …actually ppl I just wrote this REALLY SHORT interlude to be able to upload this note thingy here!! You guys are sooooo cute and waaaayyyy to good to little old me!!! So I felt I should answer all you GREAT ppl ….don´t worry! There is no way I´m going to stop writing, since I enjoy it far too miuch and I love the fact that you love the story! But this is like …REALLY long …so I´ll finish this story and start a new one!! Already got the storyline in my head and it´s coming along nicely!! Another two or three chapters tops and This story will be over but there will be a new one!!! Than you all sooo much !!!!  This little fluff is for all of you and there will be more next week!!!

BEHOLDEN

" Do you ever just watch´er?" 

Malcolm Reynolds looked up from his bandaged arm to the mercenary next to him. They were both standing outside the lab, looking in through the oval window. Inside Inara was sitting on the gurney while Simon was busy making sure that none of the bones of her face were broken. The bruise that covered one side of her face still was a rainbow of colours; lilac, red, blue , purple …….Mal felt his fists clench unconsciously. A part of him wished that he could kill Niska …again, but then Jayne had already taken care of that. River and Kaylee were standing next to the gurney, all three women talking as though they had completely  forgotten about the world outside, the fact that they were all effectively fugitives from now on. Neither the bruise nor the dishevelled state of Inara´s appearance changed the fact that the companion was still unearthly beautiful.

" Do you ever just watch ´er ….without her knowing?" The tall mercenary didn´t look at Mal, he was still staring through the window into the lab. But his voice had taken a very low, harsh note.

" Just watchin´ the tilt of her head, way she moves …….." Mal looked at Jayne, trying to make his face as neutral as possible. He hadn´t  paid it much attention before, but  it was plain to see that Jayne had been in a very rare, almost solemn mood ever since Mal had yelled at Wash to  get them of that gorram´ rock immediately the moment he had stepped over Serenity´s cargo ramp.

" You look at that and no matter how ruddin´ hard you wreck that gorram´ brain of yours, you can´t come even close to understanding how you could ever have come to love anybody this much." Malcolm Reynolds could not have been more surprised if Jayne had turned up wearing one of Simon´s vests or maybe hugged the good doctor. They had all been through a lot, not just the past few days, more like the past few months. Having Jayne Cobb utter the word love and not in relation to guns and knives was something Mal had never expected to witness …..ever! 

In the lab River turned to look at the two men watching them, her face was calm, serene as her eyes met Jayne´s for an instant before she turned back to her brother. Mal´s eyes skimmed over Inara´s tired features, there was something in them ……something that worried her still.

He´d have to talk to her about it, find out what was gnawing at her …maybe even ……

But he couldn´t do it yet. Jayne made a sound, somewhere between a grunt and a snort, shaking his head. His face was set, not betraying any emotion, as though the fact that he was talking to Mal about it had to be countered in some way.

"And Then you look into those gorram, haunting eyes and you can´t ruddin´believe that  it´s there ……it´s all there. That this gorram ´girl, this tiny slip of  a girl loves you just as fiercely." 

Jayne crossed his arms in front of his chest. Biting his lip he took a deep breath before he turned to Mal.

" I could never imagine how that felt, but now that I know ….I ain´t gonna give that up! I sure as hell ain´t gonna give that gorram´girl up!"


	47. Stronghold

Disclaimer : Oh who am I kidding??? You all know they aren´t mine!!! 

NOTES : HELLO…………okay ..a warning first! I think this is way beyond fluffy. It might even be so cheesy that you might want to have a nice box of crackers while you´re reading it! I might have gotten carried a way just a little. ( And by a little I mean …a lot!!!) Man …I just read it again and there were parts that made me cringe!!!!! SO SORRY!!!! After this chapter there will be an epilogue and then a new story!! THANKS TO ALL REVIEWERS who share my obsessive love for Firefly! You guys are the best! The song is written by the talented, brilliant Jeff Buckley who died far too early!

( Hey chaos ..I checked out your stuff at deviant art and you are one gifted chick!! We even have the same gorram´ taste in comics .,,,how weird is that??) 

STRONGHOLD

" See now that  we are behind Olympus, on the side that is facing away the moon we just left behind us, it won´t matter how fast the alliance cruiser is approaching. They won´t be able to detect our retreat. The planet is shielding us from their scanners." 

Wash leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms behind his head. A satisfied grin spread across his face.

"All I need to know is where we´ll be going….."

"Oh …in the opposite direction I´d say!" Malcolm Reynolds answered. " As far away from this god forsaken rock as we can make it!"

He pursed his lips, looking over his pilot´s shoulder out into the black.

" Get enough distance between us and that cruiser before they find anything on us…….god knows what that ruddin´ Niska left behind."

Wash turned in his seat to look at Mal.

" You think he had files on us, our names ……Serenity?"

Mal shrugged, trying to ignore the cold feeling creeping up his back.

" You never know….man like that. Well organized as he was…….."

"They won't find anything worth using. She was on her way back from the bridge when she came across you and Niska."

Mal looked over his shoulder to find River standing in the door, not quite entering the bridge.

It didn´t take Mal long to understand who she was referring to.

" What´d she do on the bridge?"

River hesitated a moment, as though she was listening to music only she could hear.

" She destroyed the computer core …….there is nothing left, no data to salvage."

Mal nodded, his face solemn and thoughtful. 

"Shiny ……..the two of you seem to have worked things out just fine it seems to me."

The small, slender girl looked straight into his eyes. They both knew there was a but coming.

 Haunting eyes …Jayne had called them. Mal could see where the mercenary who had never been a prone to fancy talk such as that would have gotten the image. River was not beautiful in a normal way. She didn´t have Inara´s breathtaking kind of beauty, or Kaylee´s wholesomeness that made her so very pretty in a heart wrenching, close to innocent kind of way. She didn´t have Zoë's striking physique either, but there was something to her …apart from being downright scary sometimes. River Tam had her own kind of beauty….in a delicate way without really seeming weak. And those eyes …..dark and full of knowledge that betrayed her tender age. They could very well haunt a man's dreams he supposed. 

" That was some impressing display of …..cunning….. back there. From where I am standing I´d say I sure am glad that you got that thing under control. Thought she might tear him apart with bare hands……."

River brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It didn´t take much to read between the lines of what the captain was saying…..the question he didn´t like to ask: Would she have done it if they´d just stood by?

River gave him a sad smile, returning his look with honesty. She had come to trust that other entity dwelling in the sometimes not so dark recesses of her mind. The thought of it didn´t scare her anymore……her mind, her rules. 

" You didn´t really think that I was exaggerating when I told you that she had no conscience, no scruples or restraints, did you?"

Malcolm Reynolds stared at her for a moment. 

" Oh …..I think you´re wrong there River." He told her with a wry smile.

" After all ……she´s got you."

I heard there was a secret chord 

That David played and it pleased the lord

But you don't really care for music,  

Do you?

" You look  so glum……!"

River´s voice was barely above a whisper, but the silence in the small cabin carried her words far. They echoed off the metal walls as she climbed down the last steps off the ladder leading down from the hatch. She had abandoned the leather trousers Jayne realized as he looked at her. The girl was back in a dress, the purple one that left her smooth, white arms bare. Her hair was still damp, not really wet, but not entirely dry either. He could smell the lavender soap she always used. The expression on her pretty face was attentive, a little anxious even as she leaned against the ladder looking at him. Her bare arms and feet, the dress….it all made her seem younger, more dainty and frail …….it reminded him of how vulnerable she had been at times ….when she had been crazy. He still didn´t like to admit it ….not even to himself sometimes……but the thought that she was after all still a girl made his chest tight.

"C´mere…" Jayne rasped. He swallowed twice when he realized how raw his voice sounded, how much she affected him.

River arched an eyebrow. She moved over to where he was sitting on the bed, until she stood between his legs, looking down on him. In fact he was almost on eye- level with her when he was sitting…….almost but not quite.

"Gorrammit girl……" he ground out, looking up at River´s face.

"Next time you pull one of those ruddin´ stunts again ……..lemme´ know so I can be there!"

"You were there." 

Jayne scowled at her serious tone, shaking his head.

"You ruddin´well know what I mean!"

"It wasn´t me. It was…..her." 

"Well then tell her that I don´t much fancy the idea of her getting you shot in the back!" Jayne cut in angrily.  River returned his piercing stare for a moment.

" You both got that?" Jayne asked her harshly, hands on his knees. River nodded slowly, reaching out one hand to rake it through his short hair. He could be as loud and angry and intimidating as he wanted. She knew he was right. Had he not been there ……things could have turned sour. He knew it too and it worried him. It didn´t worry her as much, but she couldn´t tell him that now. In fact the thought that the other thing was not infallible was almost a comfort. What was even more comforting was the fact that he had indeed been there. He had been there.

" Got it." 

Jayne´s breath came out in a sharp hiss; he lowered his head, shaking it again.

" Look at the two of us , sparrow ……..what a pair we make……." He chuckled.

It goes like this; the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall and the major lift, 

The baffled king composing hallelujah 

River´s other hand touched his cheek, moving over the slight stubble.  She couldn´t help but smile. He was right ……they were the last two people on Serenity that anyone would have ever seen together; the most unlikely combination……and yet……

Gingerly River put her hands around his face, just as he had done so many times before and made him look at her again. It was a bond that even she couldn´t explain and she didn´t need to. This was someone who had seen the best and worst of her and even though there had been many times when he had not been comfortable with all the implications their relationship had wrought, when he had been out of his depth when it came to emotional displays and facing his feelings …… when it mattered he hadn´t flinched from it. He had accepted her with all the complicated baggage this entailed, just as she had accepted him. 

No more pushing uphill………………..

Your faith was strong 

But you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you

" What a pair we make ….." she repeated softly, kissing him while lowering herself until she straddled his lap. She could feel his arms come around her, pulling her closer to him, strong hands kneading the tense muscles of her back in circular motions. River closed her eyes for a beat, revelling in the heat of his body, in the strength of those hands that slowly travelled down her spine until they came to rest on her thighs. Then she leaned back very slowly, looking at him.

" I told you, remember?" she whispered quietly, her hands trailing down from his face, over his  broad shoulders.

 "That night in cargo bay…….I told you that we´d find each other Jayne Cobb. And once we found each other, no power in the ´verse will be able to keep us apart."

"Always keep your word, don´t ya´ River Tam?"

She gave him a small smile, bringing her face next to his to whisper in his ear.

"And still you always hold yourself in check. I know who you are and it doesn´t scare me ….it never has. Take me to bed……Jayne. And don´t always hold back on account of me…… because you think you might hurt me." Her voice was a husky whisper; her lips close enough to his ear so that they grazed his skin as she spoke. She could feel his hands, fingers digging into her thighs almost hard enough to leave a bruise as they pulled her up against him.

" I promise I won´t break." 

River closed her eyes again as his low chuckle rumbled through his chest, mere seconds before their lips met in a searing kiss that stole her breath………………. and every coherent thought she might have had went right with it.

And she tied you too her kitchen chair

She broke your throne and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the hallelujah

 "You came for me." 

Mal looked up from the mug of coffee he still cradled in his lap, despite of the fact that the beverage had turned cold a long while ago. He had held onto it, sitting at the head of the long table in the kitchen area, as though the damn thing was some king of anchor while he pondered his situation. Most of the others had already gone to bed….or had at least retired to their bunks, save Wash who was flying them to safety …….at least so he hoped.

He hadn´t counted on her showing up …….indeed he had counted on her resting.

Still …there she was, standing at the other end of the table, looking clean and refreshed, bright as morning. Mal found himself marvelling once more at the fact that the bruising left Inara´s wondrous beauty unadorned.

" You came for me." She repeated softly, looking at him across the table.

"Couldn´t have him sellin´ you off to some alliance big shoot who took a fancy to you while back, now could I? No need to thank me for that, would have done the same thing for any of my crew! We don´t leave nobody behind."

Inara nodded sadly, her eyes wandering to his bandaged shoulder and the arm he would be wearing in a sling for at least a couple of weeks. He got hurt in the process of saving her……and still it didn´t really change a thing. They were still where everything had begun…..treading water.

Mal frowned. He knew what he was doing, the non committal answer had come to him like a reflex. They should be beyond this point now ……it was all right there and anybody could see through this petty game. They were both so caught up in trying not to loose face, trying to find out where to go from here without having to drop their defences. She had done so in the past, showing her vulnerability and he had been unable to ………….

They were both afraid. He knew it, so did she. And yet Inara seemed to be more capable of coming to terms with it. Mal couldn´t …..and he knew why. If you got too emotionally involved in something, people got hurt…..people died. People he was responsible for…..

The war had taught him that; a lesson he had learned the hard way.

Baby,  I´ve been here before  

I´ve seen this room 

I walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

Malcom Reynolds had believed in something once. He had believed and he had fought for it. He had given this cause he had and it hadn´t been enough. They had lost. He had lost …everything. There had been a time after the battle of Serenity that Mal had thought he lost more than the war………..he had lost a part of himself. The loss had been more than he could bear. It had left him hollow, barely more than the disillusioned husk of the man he had been. It still hurt him to think of it ……he still had nightmares sometimes. He never wanted to feel this way again. It was cliché, but he was aware that he had built a wall around himfel that some things could penetrate …………some things he just couldn´t afford to get to him. Now Mal didn't like to let his guard down. It had gotten him in trouble more times than he cared to remember……….with other people. Women he hadn´t even felt anything comparable to the feelings Inara elicited from him.

" We cannot keep doing this, Mal. I am tired of this dance…we cannot keep doing this! I cannot do this anymore. It will have to stop!" Inara finally said quietly.

Mal put the cup down on the table, getting up from his chair.

" Why did you come after Niska, Mal? Why did you come for me apart from ……the things you´ve said?"

Mal didn´t answer, just looking at her. Inara shook her head.

" You are a man of too many secrets, Malcolm Reynolds!"

" Oh now, I´ve always found you to be sort of a mystery yourself."

Inara pressed her lips together, unsure what to answer. She knew what he meant of course…..the man she was running from now. I all this time she had never mentioned an obsessed alliance related paramour who was willing to do pretty much anything to have her for himself. It was a piece of information that had almost led to their undoing. She closed her eyes for a moment.

" You don´t have to stay….."

" I didn´t have to come after you either now, did I ?"  

And I´ve seen your flag on the marble arch

And love is not a victory march 

It´s a cold and it´s a  broken hallelujah 

For a moment they both just looked at each other with his words hanging in the heavy silence between them. Mal´s expression still guarded and unreadable. Inara swallowed hard, trying to keep her sadness and fear at bay. Could this truly be it? She felt her eyelids flutter in an attempt not to cry over everything that had happened. All the tears she had not allowed herself to cry…..over everything; his insults, his reserve towards her at times, her own incapability to get over this man, but also over her relief of knowing he would came for her, her fear for all their safety ………..seeing him getting shot. All those tears made her chest tight and her throat raw with the effort of keeping them at bay. And now …with him knowing why she had fled the core, house Madrassa…………

" Everything is spoiled……….." she whispered.

" Your face……" Mal finally said, his voice sounding pressed because he could not make it sound neutral, no matter how hard he tried. " ………..who did that?" Inara took a deep breath, hugging herself around the waist.

" One of Niska´s man. I never heard his name. You don´t need to bother with that …….he´s probably dead, right?" she answered with a shrug.

" Jayne probably took care of that ….." he raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms in front of his chest. " You know ….just occurred to me what a wicked, crazy ´verse we live in……seeing as lately I seem to be all kinds of glad about things that Jayne Cobb does!"

" Mal ….." Inara said softly, determined to not let him steer the conversation onto safer ground again. They needed to talk about the gigantic pink elephant in the room that was growing more gargantuan every passing minute. The though of leaving things unsaid again made her almost physically sick.

" Have you ever…….every considered that it could all be more bearable if we were together?

There was a time when you let me know, 

what´s really going on below.

But now you never show that to me , 

Do you?

Mal could feel his hands clenching to fists and uncrossed his arms slowly. There it was …..no use in denying it. He would not run from it. 

He looked into her eyes the longest time, searching for the words he knew he would not be able to say.

" What ´d you think I came after Niska for?" This time his voice was raw with emotion, very low but still controlled.

" I am weary of games, Mal."

" Seems to me this is a game neither of us can win."

" Love is like that ………"  There……… she had said it. Inara was glad and yet she wished she could take it back. It was plain to see that they had both been burned, burned bad …..

Mal stared at her, his face betraying nothing …..as though he hadn´t heard her words.

Inara pushed one of the chairs aside, moving over to where he was still standing very slowly in her graceful, fluent motions. She stopped a few steps shy of him, looking up into his face.

But remember when I moved in you 

And the holy dove was moving too

And every breath we drew was hallelujah

" If you could do anything you wanted tonight, what would you do?"

Suddenly his mouth was on hers; firm, warm lips moving over hers, kissing her hard and searching, almost furious. Inara felt a suppressed groan escaping her throat. They had waited too long for this …..all the pent up emotion barely contained. She could feel his good arm around her waist, crushing her to him, locking her body to hers with painful intensity. Inara threw her arms around his neck, feeling her body relenting, melting into his touch. One of her hands went up into his hair, moving along his cheek as they broke apart,  

breathing heavily.

Mal swallowed hard, staring down into her upturned face and the thought crossed his mind that he could have hurt her due to the bruising on her face. He could see her eyes staring back at him and he could read the need …..she needed more from him than this. More than he could give her right now anyway. They both knew that for this thing to work, she would have to give up being a companion. He wouldn´t have things any other way. But for her to do that ….she would need to be sure………..of him. She would need a guarantee …….a guarantee that Mal knew he could not give her. He wasn´t even sure if he could give it to himself.

" Inara …..I cannot court a woman like you on lies. I cannot change the way I am." 

" I just need you to say it once, Mal. Just this once……."

" This is all I got right now!"

Inara swallowed as he stepped back from her, shaking her head.

" Life does not give out certainties, Mal. We both know that!"

He took two steps backwards, moving his hand over his face. He could still feel the softness of her skin, her intoxicating scent surrounding him, her lips yielding under his…….and yet he couldn´t………

" This is all I got right now." He repeated seriously.

Inara sighed, nodding her head sadly.

Maybe there´s a god above 

And all ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

And it´s not a cry that you hear at might

It´s not somebody who has seen the light

It´s a cold and it´s a broken hallelujah

" We both know it´s not enough. It never is that simple…………..and I´ll be needing more from you, just as you´ll need more from me." She stepped forward to slide the back of her hand over his cheek." Until then ….." she said, returning his sober look before she turned to leave. She turned to face him again before she disappeared into the darkness of the corridor, giving him a cheerless smile.

" You are a good man, Malcolm Reynolds. I wish you could see that. You may not know it about yourself right now. You may have forgotten, or you may not remember it. But I do…..I know."


	48. Finding Daylight

DISCLAIMER: Well …after 48 Chapters of repeating it ……say it with me:  ALL BELONGS TO JOSS!!!

NOTES: Here goes the epilogue which also sets the theme for my new story. ( Right …like you guys wouldn´t guess!!! 

Thank you for all your kind reviews and sticking with me through this …ahhh …really loooong story!!!

The Prologue for the new story should be up in a couple of days!!! Hope to see you then!

( Chaos…..I´m an X-men girl…ahh that Gambit ! But I love Witchblade ( only the ones Turner worked on) Fathom, Darkness and I even have Magdgalena) 

Epilogue

FINDING DAYLIGHT

She could hear her own heartbeat. A steady calming rhythm in the background of her own breathing …..in …out ……in ….out ………like the sound of waves rolling onto the shore.

It was the sound of breaking glass that disturbed the serene atmosphere. Heavy boots crunching broken glass underneath their thick soles. River knew she wasn´t really there and yet she could see it as though from very far away. No faces to see……no voices she recognized……but the interior of Niska´s vessel. Still shiny, still ……

" There is nothing left , Sir. We found 17 men locked in their quarters, an additional 12 who have been shot during the fire fight in which they were engaged."

" The prisoner?"

" She is gone, Sir."

" Niska?"

"One of the casualties, Sir."

" Download all the information from their main board before we deal with this mess."

" Sir …..there is nothing left. Whatever data there was is gone, the core has been wiped clean and then destroyed. Even the back up system is completely destroyed. Whoever did this was very efficient. "

" What else?"

" Three dead men on the bridge,  Sir. Looks like whoever came for the computer went through them as though they were a minor hindrance. We might be able to salvage little if any information off the security system."

" Fine. Deal with it."

" What about the survivors, Sir?"

Make sure there are none!"

River opened her yes, letting her breath catch in her throat. She was pretty sure it had not been a dream. Too much detail ……………and yet she had been sleeping. Carefully lifting Jayne´s arm off her waist, she slid out of bed. Making sure her movement had not woken the mercenary, who was still sleeping, his face half buried in his pillow, River climbed up the ladder.

It had been a long time since she had wandered Serenity´s corridors alone at night. And it felt like a reminder of that time now that she walked barefooted in her crinkled, purple dress.

Still walking, River closed her eyes and reached out. The familiar feeling of the other one´s presence brushed over her like a cool breeze. The sound of her breathing grew louder again, soothing like the sound of waves.

When she opened her eyes again River found herself on a shore basked in grey twilight. To her left and right was nothing but the beach that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles. She could feel the rough, fine sand and the waves licking at her feet as the rolled onto the shore. Next to her stood her mirror- image…… looking back at her.

"Why did you bring me here? This place is new."

" There is something you need to see, little sister." It whispered." About the things I saw back in that ship. The things we saw …..Deleting the data, wiping the core clean before destroying it."

River could feel her brow furrowing up, feel the wind from the sea catch in her hair. None of this was real ……she knew that. It was all in her mind…….but it felt real enough.

The dark sky was growing paler and paler.

" Show me…." River whispered, holding out her hand. The other one´s fingers slid over the back of her hand, their fingers intertwining. 

" There…" it said, motioning at the horizon.

River´s gaze followed the gesture in time to see the first sunrays creeping up over the sea…..ever so slowly dawn was breaking. River´s breath came out in a surprised huff, unable to tear her eyes from the spectacle. Only there were no warm, golden rays of sunlight. The sun rising over the grey sea was dark blue……not yellow, not red, not orange ……blue. It gave off no warmth whatsoever.

The other one's  cool fingers slid through hers as she drifted back to the surface of her consciousness. Opening her eyes, River found that she had ended up in Serenity's cockpit.

Wash swivelled around in his chair, looking at her with an expression of surprise.

"River…… ….hey. Mal was here only a few minutes ago… doesn´t look like we´re being followed! Came away clean, how about that?"

River nodded absent-mindedly, slowly stepping up to the windows to look out into the blackness of space.

"Looks like we made it, ha?"

River pressed one hand to the cold, cold glass, shaking her head very slowly.

" For now……." She whispered with a sad smile. She leaned her forehead against the glass.

"They are still there…..out there somewhere, looking, searching. They don´t give up. They want us back ……me ….her."

Watch arched on eyebrow, staring at the dainty girl. Wash wasn´t sure whether she was talking to herself or him. What he was sure of was that he didn´t like what she was saying one way or the other.

"Who´re you talkin´ about ? Please tell there aren´t any more Reavers chasing after us!"

River shook her head again.

" No Reavers, no …" she answered huskily , still not looking at him, still staring out into space. " The men …….the men with he blue gloves. Two by two, hands of blue." 


End file.
